Troubles and Treats

I nod my head and motion for him to proceed with the binder of stats.

Thirty minutes later, we’ve narrowed down our selection to the top two, which is pretty amazing considering I have no less than thirty-seven vibrators. As we pack up the rainbow of colorful objects and place them back into our suitcase of fun to slide back under our bed, I hear the front door open and close.

“Are you two soldiers ready for action today?” Andrew Senior states from our bedroom doorway.

Once again, he’s offered to babysit for us. I can’t possibly stay angry with him since it seems like this babysitting offer is going to be on the table for a long time to come.

“Affirmative, sir. We are locked and loaded,” Drew states as he pulls me up from the floor and holds up the small, black velvet bag that houses the silver bullet.

“Did you clean your weapon and load it with new batteries? A clean, properly functioning weapon is a happy weapon,” my father-in-law informs us.

“The chambers have been cleaned, the batteries have been replaced, and this soldier here is ready for battle,” Drew says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.

“Stay smart, keep your head down, and for God’s sakes, don’t be a pansy ass,” Andrew advises me. “The deadliest thing in this world is a soldier and his or her weapon. Respect your weapon and it will respect you, is that clear?”

I nod my head and mumble, “Yes.”

“YES WHAT?!”

“YES, SIR!” I shout, putting my hand up to my head and saluting him.

“At ease, soldier.”

Surprisingly, his pep talk has motivated me and taken away my nerves. I’m going to go into the race and I’m going to win it all. I’m going to show all of those fools how it’s done. I haven’t been an adventurous, sexual person all of my adult life for nothing. This race is mine!

Drew has changed into his motivational shirt that he got just for me. It has a picture of a vibrator on it and the words: My wife is #1 at diddling!

We leave Drew’s dad with a napping Billy and a hyper Veronica since Drew had let her have toast with sugar on it for breakfast. I'm amazed at the amount of cars parked all around downtown by Liz and Claire’s shops. We finally find a parking spot and walk into Liz’s side of the store, which is packed with people checking out her selection of vibrators.

“Look at all these losers trying to pick a winning vibrator at the last minute,” Drew whispers as we squeeze our way through everyone so we can get to the back door and out into the parking lot where the event is being held. “With my analysis reports, this race is all ours. You can’t go into something like this without a toy you’re already familiar with. Do these people know nothing? How do they expect to win a race with a toy they’ve never used before? How do they know they’re even going to mesh with that toy? Total amateurs, I’m telling you.”

I get more and more excited listening to what Drew is telling me. He’s right. I am very familiar with my bullet. We go way back. It’s the first toy I ever bought when I was eighteen. We’ve come a long way since then. This little guy in my pocket has been with me through the good and the bad. He won’t let me down today.

“Hey, guys!” Liz greets us as she rushes over to where we are currently standing next to a food vendor tent. She holds a clipboard in her hand and scans a piece of paper attached to it. “Okay, Jenny, you’re in heat one of the first round. It’s going to take place in the tent next to the beer stand.”

I glance over to the direction she’s pointing and frown.

“Um, that tent is wide open. I kind of thought it would be a little more private,” I tell her, glancing nervously up at Drew.

“It’s okay, we can work with that,” Drew reassures me.

“Why would it need to be private? It’s just a race. And everyone here knows what’s going on. They wouldn’t be here if they have a problem with it,” Liz explains.

She’s right. Everyone here had received an invitation with an explanation of what was going on today, so I guess they know what they’ll be seeing. I suppose I just hadn't thought about the fact that they’d be seeing me. Oh well, I want to get a spark back so I guess this is as good a way as any.

Liz wishes us good luck and runs off to greet more people and let them know what race tent they are in. Drew and I make our way over to the beer tent next to where I will be racing. He gets in line and orders a beer for each of us.

“Chug it. You look like you could use this,” he informs me as he hands me a plastic cup overflowing with beer.

I down the beer as fast as I can and hand him the empty cup. He sets it down and moves behind me to rub my shoulders.

“I’ve been scoping out the competition in our tent. There are a few old people who look scared. That one chick in the purple shirt looks tough, but see how she’s tapping her foot? She’s nervous. You’re calm as a cucumber. That’s how you’re going to win this thing. Show no fear, baby. Maybe you should stretch,” Drew advises.

As he continues to massage my shoulders, I roll my head from side to side and shake out my hands. I grab onto my elbow and pull my arm across the front of my body, repeating the action with my other arm. Liz makes an announcement over the microphone that the first heats will be starting in ten minutes. Drew turns me around to face him and holds my face in his hands.

“Repeat after me. I’m a winner.”