Troubles and Treats

“Jenny, baby, tell them I don’t have a small penis,” Drew wails.

“Oh, he totally doesn’t. I get c**k jaw when I give him blow jobs,” I tell them.

“Don’t you mean lock jaw?” Liz asks.

“No, c**k jaw. When you’re giving a blow job and you have to open your mouth so wide your jaw cocks,” I explain to them.

“You c**k a gun, you don’t c**k your jaw,” Claire laughs.

“You don’t lock your jaw either! Who the hell has a lock on their cheek? That’s just stupid. Drew has a big penis. That is a fact.”

Jim shakes his head and smacks Carter in the arm. “You had to ask the story behind the Chinese finger trap. Now my wife is going to have nightmares tonight about those things and jaws with pad locks stuck through them.”

“And my giant penis. Don’t forget my giant penis,” Drew says, looking over at me and beaming proudly.

Chapter 27 – Irish Car Bombs

“Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me!” Drew exclaims as we walk through the doors of the local strip club, Bare Naked Ladies. “It’s been, one week since you cooked for me. Rocked your head to the side and said I’m hungry.”

Drew’s off-key singing makes everyone groan and tell him to shut up. He’s been singing that song the whole way to the strip club.

“For the love of all that is holy, stop singing that f**king song! Especially if you don’t know the words,” Jim tells him as we all stand in the doorway.

I don’t remember exactly whose idea it was to go to a strip club. After the game, we all had started doing shots and everything got really funny. When someone suggested a strip club, we thought it sounded hilarious. So we had called for a taxi, piled in, and had it take us into town.

“Oh my God, why is the floor sticky?” Liz asks with a disgusted look on her face as she gently picks her foot up and looks at the bottom of her shoe.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Jim asks her as he throws his arm over her shoulder and they lead the way into the club.

Drew and I have been to plenty of strip club’s before so this is old news to us. It’s been a really long time since we’ve been to one though. Just seeing the flashing, colorful lights and hearing the loud music brings back so many good memories, and it makes me sad that things between us have been so strainered lately.

As soon as I have that thought though, I feel Drew’s hand slide into my own and we lace our fingers together, following behind Jim and Liz as they find a table close to the stage and we all take seats.

We won the game! We really do know each other, and I’m starting to forget all of the reasons why I haven’t been in the mood for dirty sex lately. Even though he can act like a big child most of the time, he loves me and he takes good care of me.

“Drew, Jenny! Oh my gosh! I haven’t seen you guys in ages!”

We turn and see Candy, the server whose section we always used to sit in when we would come here.

“Candy! We were hoping you’d be here tonight,” Drew tells her as she gives me a quick hug. “I wore your favorite shirt just in case.”

Drew turns and holds his shirt out for her so she's a picture of a woman upside down on a stripper pole with the words: I support single moms.

He had made the taxi driver run by our house on the way to the club just so he could change.

Drew makes introductions and when everyone else orders beers, Drew and I look at each other and then at them.

“Oh no. You aren’t drinking just beer at a strip club. Shots only, folks!” Drew tells them before giving Candy an order for six Little Beers.

“It’s okay, you guys can look at the chick dancing on the stage. You won’t go blind or anything,” I tell Liz and Claire with a laugh.

Ever since we sat down they have looked everywhere but at the topless woman gyrating on the pole four feet in front of them.

It feels good to finally know more about something than my friends.

Claire is the first to turn and look and Carter rubs his hand in soothing circles on her back.

“I really should be a lot drunker for this right now,” she mutters.

As soon as she says that, Candy is back with the shots we ordered, along with another round of shots and six dark beers that she sets in front of each of us.

“You two look like you could use a little more alcohol to get through this night,” she says to Liz and Claire with a smile. “The Little Beers are the ones on the left and to your right is everything you need for an Irish Car Bomb. Drop that shot glass with the amber liquid into the beer and immediately start chugging. Enjoy!”

Candy walks away and we all pick up our Little Beers.

“What the hell are in these?” Jim asks.

“It’s called Liquor 43 with a splash of cream on top to make it look like foam,” Drew tells them.

“It looks like jizz,” Carter says, bringing the shot to his nose and sniffing it.

“Don’t worry. It doesn’t taste like jizz. It’s sweeter,” I tell him. “Well, except for that one time we went to a bulk candy store and Drew ate two pounds of gummy worms. It tasted like cherry-lime then.”

Drew grabs the seat of my chair and pulls it closer to his so he can put his arm on the back of my chair.

“Remember we played that fishing game with the gummy worms? We used my old fishing line from when I was little that we found in the basement, and I tied the worm to the end and shoved it-”