Undead and Unpopular

Because things weren't awful enough, an hour later Marjorie the scary librarian popped by and chimed the bell. I put my foot down: no. Just because people-



"Very old, very powerful vampires," Sinclair interrupted.



-stopped by without proper planning or scheduling-



"She says it's an emergency. You want her to plan her emergencies?"



-didn't mean I had to drop everything and rush to the parlor.



"No one was in the parlor," Marjorie announced, pushing open the swinging door into the kitchen, "so I let myself in."



Tina followed closely on the librarian's heels with a pained, helpless expression. I gave Sinclair a look.



"Ah," he began. "Marjorie. So good to see you again. But perhaps now-"



"Majesty," the elder vampire said, dipping her head. "Very rude to barge in, I know; but what I have is extremely important."



"Of course it is," I sighed. "A nice new crisis you're gonna drop in my lap."



"Are you suggesting, Majesty, that I should let all important matters run their course without your intervention?" She smiled a little and fiddled with her sweater cuffs.



No, just call first.



Marjorie looked around the kitchen approvingly. The big wooden table in the center had plenty of chairs for all of us. More than enough to hold Sinclair, Tina, Jessica, and me. Everybody else was-heck, I didn't know, what was I, the fucking family calendar?



Marjorie was a severe-looking woman of ordinary height, dark hair 'with gray wings at the temples, and sensible shoes. She ran the vampire library in the warehouse district-the biggest, I had been told, in the Midwest.



She tried to keep tabs on all vampires, recently turned or otherwise, kept their mortgages and bills paid up (in the case of new vampires, that was especially nice... if they ever came back to themselves they would find a home and their credit rate unaltered), kept nice neat computer files (or, in earlier ages, carefully maintained paper files) on everyone she could. How did she do that? No one knew.



Anyway, she had been around before Nostro's time (Nostro = deceased disgusting despot), and before Nostro's sire's time, too. She had little interest in explicit displays of power, which was probably good news for the rest of us. Just stayed in her library, organizing lives, collecting a different sort of power-one that wasn't so intrusive, but nevertheless caught our attention when gently applied.



Anyway, she had that look of relieved approval because she saw a traditional scene that must have warmed her heart: the king and queen, with lackey (Tina) in attendance, with presumed blood-sheep (Marc and Jessica) close at hand.



"Nice to see you again, Dr. Spangler," she said, since I wasn't reintroducing her to anybody.



"Hi, uh-sorry, I-"



"Marjorie."



"Right." He'd been heads together with Jessica until a few seconds ago, but now he was looking downright flustered. Marjorie had that effect on humans. She could snap her fingers and Marc or Jess would have obediently opened a vein. "Nice to see you again."



"Thank you."



A short silence followed while Marjorie waited for us to dismiss the peons.



"So," I said before Eric could speak, because he actually would have dismissed the peons, "what brings you to Summit Avenue?"



"This," she said, whipping out-a gun! A knife! A brick!



No, my nerves were just a little overwrought. It was-



Tina frowned, causing a neat wrinkle to form between her eyes. It made her look positively ancient-twenty-five instead of her usual eighteen. "That's a book catalog."



"Correct."



"Thank all that is holy and unholy," I proclaimed with even less patience than usual, "that you didn't waste a second getting this over here! Why, we've been combing this entire mansion, top to bottom, for a book catalog. Our need has never been more dire."



"Specifically," Marjorie said, slapping it down on the table, "it's the Berkley Fall catalog for this year."



Sinclair closed his eyes.



"Yes, well that is the Holy Grail of book catalogs," I said, still walking the line between playing along and suggesting to this woman that she leave before my head exploded.



Sinclair didn't say anything, but his grim look and slight shake of the head suggested he knew where this was going.



I didn't. Marjorie waited for me to catch on. I quietly trusted she had packed a lunch. Finally, she said, "Page forty-seven."



Nobody moved. Apparently she was talking to me. I picked up the slick catalog and thumbed to the appropriate page. And nearly dropped it like it had turned into a rattler. "Okay, I can see why you might think this is..."



"A catastrophe?" she said sharply.



"... bad. A little bit bad."



Undead and Unwed by Anonymous was splashed across a two-page spread. Hilarious new take on the vampire genre! was printed across the bottom, along with other critical comments ("abrupt transitions make for a rollicking ride all the same" and "low on plot but high on fun!").



There was also a quick paragraph: "Playing along with the 'true autobiography' approach, the author poses the clever conceit of suggesting herself queen of the mythical undead. One of the fall's brightest!"



"Somebody wrote a book about you?" Jessica asked, staring at the catalog spread. "Wow!"



"Not wow. The opposite of wow." What would that be, I asked myself wildly. It's not like you can just spell it backward and hope that works. Maybe invert it-owo? As in, "owo is me"?



"Majesties. I don't question your judgment-"



"But you're going to."



Marjorie looked as anxious as I'd ever seen her. "How could you let this happen?"



"It was-" A favor for a friend, I started to say, but Sinclair stepped on that in a hurry.



"Can the book be pulled?"



"It's not our book," she pointed out, sounding pissed. "You may as well ask if the new Stephen King can be pulled-we had nothing to do with it."



"Can the new Stephen King be pulled?" Marc joked. He was an "old-school" King snob-nothing good since Pet Sematary, he once claimed. I kept buying them, though. Letting go of King was like letting go of your favorite greasy spoon hangout. You don't. They're still open, so you keep going, out of pure love and memory of the good old days.



I looked at the spread again. Dark blue cover, silver lettering. "The first true tale from the undead trenches." Sure.



I knew who had written it: Jon Delk, formerly of the vampire-hunting Blade Warriors, current hot author. Not that he knew it-thanks to a bit of quick memory wiping.



Of course, the source behind the author had been me.



A few months ago, Jon had come by to talk me out of marrying Sinclair. A college student by day and ferocious vampire hunter by night, he'd sworn off the stake a few months ago. Meeting me had made him see a whole new side to vampires, I gathered. These days he and the rest of his little Cub Scout den from hell asked questions first and staked later.



Grateful for Delk's change of heart, I'd told him my story, which he used for a college paper. Then the manuscript disappeared, and Sinclair made Jon forget he'd written it. Problem solved. Right?



A fresh new take on the vampire tale from someone who's actually been there, according to Publishers Weekly.



"Jon's gonna be pissed," I said, shaking my head.



"Only if we tell him."



"Of course we're gonna tell him! We can't not tell him. That would be-"



"The feelings of the infant who wrote this are the least of your problems," Marjorie pointed out sharply. "I can assure you, the vampire community will not be happy about this. We have spent a millennium in hiding; you've been in power for about a year, and now-"



"Charming anti-Anne Rice tale from a vampire with real world problems!" Marc read helpfully.



"We need to deal with this now," Sinclair said quickly. "If we cannot stop the book's publication-"



"What's the spin?" I asked.



"Do you even need any?" Jessica asked. She looked a little like a cornered mouse when we all stared at her, then spoke up again. "Nobody's going to think there are really vampires running around. I mean, look at this ad. If you were reading it, would your first thought be, oh my gosh, this is real, cover the kids in garlic and sprinkle the doorstep with holy water? No way. It's obvious that it's a fiction book pretending to be nonfiction."



"Except," Marc said, "it's nonfiction pretending to be fiction."



"Right, but what live human being-other than the very few of us who already know-will realize that? Of course, if you try to get the book pulled, that really will get people interested. Who's trying to stop this book? Why? Are they a satanic cult? Do they worship vampire mythology?" She paused for dramatic effect. "Then: why do they act like vampires? Do they really think they are? And wow, why don't any of them have suntans?"



Marjorie leaned forward and whispered in Sinclair's ear. He nodded.



"What? What was that? Don't keep secrets. Are you keeping secrets? Marjorie, don't you know the whole 'share it with the class' rule?" I said.



"I was only asking," she said, "if your friend knew she was ill, and I was speaking privately because it was off the topic, and I didn't wish you to think I wasn't paying attention."



"Thanks, but I did know," Jessica said. She even smiled. Marjorie didn't, and I realized Jessica had made a classic mistake where vampires were concerned. Marjorie may have sniffed out Jessica's cancer, but she didn't give a shit if this specific blood-sheep ever recovered. She was just curious about Eric's feeding habits.



"Getting back to business," Tina said. "I think Jessica makes an excellent point. Trying to restrain a book only increases its impact."



"Very well," Marjorie said. "I only wished to bring this to your attention. What you do with this information is entirely up to you."



"Somebody better bring it to Jon's attention," I muttered, closing the catalog and trying to hand it back.



She gave me a chilly smile. "No, thank you, Majesty. I have plenty of copies."



"Well, thanks for bringing that extra special bit of fun into our lives," I said back, with equal warmth. Which was to say, with no warmth.



"Any excuse to spend extra time with Your Majesty."



"I'll see you out," Tina said, rising and gesturing to the door.



"Thank you," Sinclair said politely, staring down at the catalog with a thin twist of his mouth, "for stopping by."



"Yeah, thanks loads."



"Majesties. Dr. Spangler. Miss." And off she went, ready to spread more joy to other vampire households.