Undead and Unreturnable

"... and then you jumped off the roof of the mortuary and got run over by a garbage truck."



"Jon, there's no need to read it back to me; I know the story."



He laughed. "It's an incredible story! I'm reading it back to be sure I'm not fucking up anything. As it is, no one's going to think this is real."



"Well, good." We were in the entryway, and I was shrugging into my coat. Laura was here, coming up the walk, and she and I were baby-sitting Baby Jon tonight. "Because the whole point is, you're pretending it's a real bio about a vampire."



"I know, I know, you only told me a million times. Let's see..."



"Jon, I gotta go. Can we pick this up tomorrow?"



"Yeah, let me just be sure I've got everything so far... you tried to drown yourself in the Mississippi River, you tried to electrocute yourself, tried to poison yourself with a bottle of bleach, and then stole a butcher knife and tried to stab yourself to death? Is that all?"



"Uh..." I wasn't about to go into the rapists I'd accidentally killed. "Pretty much."



Laura walked in-I'd told her weeks ago to stop with the knocking already-and said cheerfully, as she always did, "Good evening, darling sister. Ready to go?"



"Yeah." So, so ready. I wasn't up for another round of This Is Your Life. "Laura, have you met Jon? Jon, this is my sister, Laura."



She was having her usual effect on men, I could see: Jon had dropped his Sidekick. And hadn't noticed. Dust was probably cramming its delicate little circuits, and Jon hadn't noticed.



Instead, he was staring at my sister, and I couldn't blame him: she made Michelle Pfeiffer look like a hag. Tonight she was wearing moon boots (they were in, then out, and now in again, and I didn't care how often they came back in, I hated them, I wasn't a damn astronaut), black jeans, and a huge dark blue poofy parka that should have made her look like a blonde Michelin Man but, because God was cruel, did not.



"You never told me you had a sister," he said, looking deep into Laura's blue, blue eyes.



"You never told me you had a Jon." She giggled, obviously liking what she saw as well.



"I never told you I have a bleeding ulcer, either. Barf out, you guys. Come on, Laura, we'll be late."



"It was nice meeting you," she said, holding out a mittened hand.



"Meetcha, too," he mumbled, still gaping. He had goose bumps as big as cherries, but he didn't seem to notice he was standing shirtless in subzero cold.



"I hope to see you again soon."



"Blurble," he replied. At least that's what I think he said.



"Well, 'bye!" I said loudly-no mistaking that, I hoped. I practically pushed Laura out the front door and slammed it behind us.



"Oh, he was cute!" she was already gushing as we walked to the car. I trudged; she skipped. "Where do you know him from? Does he have a girlfriend? Of course he has a girlfriend."



"Laura, take a pill."



"Only if you stop being one," she snarked back. A mittened hand flew to her perfect, bow-shaped mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry! It's just... I'm a little nervous about tonight."



"Baby Jon won't bite. He doesn't have any teeth. He might puke on you, though."



"I've baby-sat before," she said happily. "It won't be the first time."



"Heck, I've been on dates that weren't so pleasant."