Undead and Unreturnable

We had rolled past the third group of carolers when Jon made the comment, "This time of year must be hell on vampires. Literally hell."



I giggled. "Some carolers came to the house, and Tina and Sinclair ran down to the basement with their hands over their ears. And they don't go shopping with me, needless to say. A simple 'Merry Christmas' from a stranger gives them indigestion for the rest of the day."



At last, Laura laughed. She'd been driving like a robot: no speaking, no engaging, just stiff turns and shifts.



"But it doesn't bother you."



"Heck, no, I love this time of year."



"You're crazy to go to the mall the week before Christmas," Jon observed.



"Oh, shut up. What do you know about it?"



"I know I finished my Christmas shopping in October."



I shuddered. One of those freaks. More unnatural than the vampires, if you asked me.



"Is George going to be all right?" Laura asked timidly.



"Ah, George. Yes, let's get to it, shall we? Sinclair came up with a super punishment for you."



"Asshole," Jon muttered, almost too quietly for me to catch.



I decided not to be distracted. Focus on the devil's daughter almost killing you and a helpless psycho vampire. "He needs fresh blood-like, from a living vein-or he'll backtrack, forget how to walk, all that stuff. I've been feeding him, but guess what!"



"Oh no," she moaned.



"Can I watch?" Jon asked.



"That's right, for beating the shit out of a guest with no provocation, and trying to poof the vampire queen into tiny piles of ash, your grand prize is... letting George leech off you until all his wounds are healed! Thanks for playing."



She shuddered. "It's disgusting."



"Should have thought of that before you whaled on him." Ohhhh, Sinclair was a dark genius. This was great. She looked as appalled as I'd ever seen her.



"What if I won't do it?"



I shrugged. "Then have a nice life, and don't ever come back."



"You wouldn't! Over one of those-those things?"



"Laura."



"I'm sorry. I just don't see him the way you do. He's not a man, you know."



"Neither is the kid in the backseat-"



"Hey!"



"-but we let him hang around. Bottom line, Laura, I know I bitch about the queen gig, but the thing is, you can't just come into my house and beat the shit out of one of my vampires. You just can't. And don't pretend like you don't get it, because I know you do."



She didn't say anything. The silence got long, so Jon piped up with, "What happened after you realized you couldn't kill yourself?" and we picked up my life back in April.