The softness in her eyes when she looks at him is so sweet, it makes my heart swell.
“I guess we all have our baggage,” I add, feeling my chest tighten.
“Yeah,” Molly agrees. “She was a piece of work though, his ex. I’ll never understand why people stay in relationships that are so toxic.”
My chest clenches even more.
I said that once. I said I could never understand it. But the thing is, when you love someone, you honestly can overlook so much. You think there is a way. That your love will be strong enough. That you can fix anything. But the truth is you can’t. Love isn’t always enough sometimes. And that’s a painful reality to face. Because people spend years of their lives hanging onto the hope that love will fight the biggest wars, but it can only march into them. The only way to fight them is with two people willing to go into it together.
“I guess it isn’t always easy,” Kaylee says.
She stays quiet most of the time, keeps to herself, and just reads or stares at the ocean. She’s a sweet girl. She has a good heart. It’s written all over her.
“No, I agree,” I say, smiling at her. “I don’t think it’s always easy.”
“No, I get that,” Molly adds. “It baffles me, but I do understand that sometimes it isn’t always easy for outsiders to understand. I know it took me a lot to understand it, but now, when I look at him, I think there isn’t much I wouldn’t let him get away with, I love him so much.”
Aw.
“And that’s the problem,” Matilda says, lifting her sunglasses and positioning them on her head. “We let them get away with too much.”
“What does TJ get away with?” Mercy teases. “Using your hair straightener too much?”
We all laugh softly, even Matilda.
“That’s exactly why I’m with him sometimes, because it’s ... easy.”
I blink.
I never thought of it like that.
“I know that seems shallow,” she goes on. “But seriously, we barely fight, he’s kind to me, granted he loves himself but it’s just so easy. He doesn’t get jealous, or moody, he’s just ...”
“Easy,” we all say at once.
She laughs. “Yeah.”
“Don’t you want depth, though?” I dare to say, meeting her eyes.
“Honestly, yeah, one day I do want depth. Someone I can talk with for hours, laugh with, fight with, cry with, and give my heart to, but right now, I’m okay being the way I am. I don’t love TJ, I don’t think I ever will, but I think sometimes he’s the same. We just work for now. And that’s what it is, a for now. When I find the real thing, I want to know it’s everything. I want to know that man is the one I’ve been waiting for.”
“God, I didn’t know you were so deep,” Molly says, staring at her sister. “Good for you.”
“Honestly, the idea of getting hurt scares me,” Matilda admits. “I see it so much, with all my friends, family, and I wonder, is that how it all ends? Does everyone who falls in love get hurt? I couldn’t imagine that kind of pain, sometimes I don’t even want to, so I tend to block it out.”
“It does hurt,” I say, my voice a little pained at the memories. “But I think it’s the hurt that teaches you a lesson, you know?”
“I get that. But, I don’t know, I guess I just want to be the girl, cliché as it is, that waits and finds that one man that she spends the rest of her life with. The girl who doesn’t get hurt a thousand times before, but instead just meets the right one. So I hold back, I date shallow guys that I know will never hurt me, because I don’t care enough.”
“You know, even in love, sometimes it’s going to hurt. You’re never going to avoid that forever,” Mercy says. “I love Diesel to death, but sometimes he will say or do things and they genuinely hurt like hell. That’s love.”
Matilda nods. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Whatever works for you, sis,” Molly smiles. “Just don’t wait too long. You’re too amazing to hold back that love forever.”
I ponder her words.
She’s too amazing to hold back love forever.
Is it the same for me?
Am I holding back?
CHAPTER 21
NOW – BAYLEE
“I’ll find you, Maddie.”
I jerk awake, panting, pressing a hand to my chest. It takes me a moment to realise where I am, and a longer moment to realise my phone is ringing beside me. It takes me a second to gather myself. I swear, I could swear, York’s voice in my dream was so real. With a pounding heart, I lift up the phone and glance down at the screen.
Private number again.
That’s the eighth time today.
Something uneasy settles in my belly, and I answer it, praying someone will just say something so I can put my paranoia to bed, but the feeling in my stomach only increases when I answer, and the same thing happens. Nobody says anything. I can hear the soft breathing on the other end. I know somebody is there. I know it. My fingers tremble as I listen harder, asking over and over who it is.
Then it ends.
Just like every other time.
I rub at my belly. Am I being paranoid? Am I overreacting? Or ... has he found my number?
The feeling of dread that settles in my body, makes me want to vomit. If he has found me ... God. I can’t do it again. There is only so long I can run. Why won’t he leave me alone? Why the hell can’t he just let me be? What’s going to happen if he has found me? My heart pounds so hard I press a hand against my chest, as if that’ll slow it.
Is Rae safe?
I dial Shania’s number, just needing to know. Needing to put my fears to rest. She answers on the second ring, and I know it’s early hours of the morning, but I also know she won’t mind.
“Is everything okay?”
I exhale. She doesn’t sound panicked. She sounds more worried about me.
“Yeah,” I say softly. “I ... I just ... I wanted to check how everything was going there.”
No need to make her worried, if it’s just me overreacting.
“Everything is fine, honey. Rae is alive. I can’t say she’s in a great way, considering she’s been housebound and unable to get her fix, so she’s a pain in the ass, but she’s alive. That counts as something, right?”