Where We Belong

Chase is flinging sand everywhere and Nolan is filling up a pail.

“We should tell Nolan now, that way you aren’t springing this on him tomorrow. Give him a little time to think about it. You know?”

I have no idea how Nolan is going to take hearing about Angie wanting to see him. I know he’s asked Ben about her in the past, wondering what happened to her and why she isn’t around anymore, but I haven’t heard of him bringing her up recently.

Unless Ben isn’t telling me.

“Yeah. Good idea.”

Ben stretches his legs and stands from the step. He grabs my hand and tugs me to my feet, walking with me across the yard.

The boys look up as we draw closer.

Chase slowly climbs out of the sandbox, lifting one leg over the wooden ledge, then the other, teetering a bit on his feet before rushing to greet us.

I pick him up and kiss his chubby cheek. “Baby,” I murmur against his skin, smelling the orange he ate an hour ago for a snack.

“Nolan. Come here a minute.”

Hearing Ben’s voice, Nolan hops out of the sandbox and hurries over.

“Yeah?” he asks, tilting his head up, the front of his shorts and T-shirt covered in a light dusting of sand.

Ben squats down and rests his hand on Nolan’s shoulder. “Buddy, you remember Angie, right? Your other Mommy? The one you used to live with before you moved in with Daddy and Princess Mia?”

His big eyes flick to mine, then he looks back up at Ben, nodding his head.

“She wants to see you. Would you like that? Would you like to go see her tomorrow?”

Nolan stares at Ben for a moment. “Why does she want to see me?”

“Because she misses you,” I tell him, smiling when he glances up at me, keeping all of my other emotions hidden and only giving Nolan what he needs to see—my happiness for him. “She hasn’t seen you in so long, baby. I bet she won’t believe how big and strong you’ve gotten.”

My words don’t seem to reach Nolan. Or my happiness.

Brow pinched together and his mouth pulling into a frown, his little nostrils flaring with his heavy breaths, he keeps his passive focus on Ben. “But I want to stay here. I don’t want to live somewhere else again.”

“You aren’t living anywhere else, Buddy. You’re just visiting Angie. I’m not leaving you there.”

“Does she want to see Chasey too?”

I shift Chase to my other hip. “I’m going to keep him home while you and Daddy go see her, okay? That way you two can talk and your brother won’t interrupt you.”

Nolan shakes his head. “I don’t wanna go if Chasey doesn’t go.”

“Nolan.” Ben’s hand falls away when Nolan moves to stand in front of me.

“Are you gonna stop being my mommy now?” he asks, genuine fear tightening his voice.

My mouth goes slack. Any emotion I was trying to keep from Nolan comes bubbling to the surface, demanding to be acknowledged.

Squatting down in front of him, with tears brimming my eyes and my chest compressing so much I can only take in shallow breaths, I set Chase down and reach for Nolan.

“I will never stop being your mommy. Not ever. Okay?” I cup his face, wiping some sand off of his cheek. “You’re my little knight. And you and Chase, you will always be my two favorite boys. This doesn’t change that, Nolan. Your other mommy can love you too. We can both love you, and we can both be your mommy.”

“I don’t want to call her Mommy.”

Ben rubs Nolan’s back, briefly glancing at me while holding onto Chase with his other arm. “You can call her Angie, Buddy. You don’t have to call her Mommy.”

I nod when Nolan looks at me, grabbing onto his hands. “Whatever you want to do.”

“Can you come with us?” he asks quietly, pleading with his eyes. “Please, Mommy? And Chasey? I think she wants to see everybody.”

Angie wants to see me and the son I have with her ex?

Yeah, I’m sure.

I breathe a laugh. Tears wet my cheeks. “You want me to go, baby?”

Nolan nods his head.

“Buddy . . .”

“Okay. I’ll go,” I interrupt Ben, smiling at Nolan and running my finger down his nose. He reaches out and does the same to me. “You want me there, I’m there.”

“Cool.” He looks between Ben and myself, the apprehension in his face vanishing. “Can I go play now? My castle is really coming together.”

Smiling against my hand, I watch Ben rustle Nolan’s dark hair. Sand falls onto his shoulders.

“Yeah, Buddy,” Ben chuckles. “Go play.”

Nolan spins around and dashes across the yard toward the sandbox. Chase immediately starts fighting against Ben’s hold, grunting until he’s put on his feet. He takes off running after his brother.

Ben looks over at me. “Are you sure you’re okay with going tomorrow? Baby, I can talk to Nolan. He’ll be fine with whatever. You don’t have to do this.”

I move to stand in front of him, reaching for his arms and pulling them around my waist as we both face the boys. My head drops back against his chest.

“He wants me there. I think it’ll make him feel more at ease about it if it’s all of us with him. He’s nervous.”

Nolan thought he was leaving us. That we were sending him to live with Angie again. He looked so worried.

I’ll do anything to avoid him feeling anxious about this.