In the safety of my bedroom, I found a brazen lust within me. A confidence and a desire that surpassed my fear, nerves, or even good sense.

Now I’ve left the room that Damien has set up as mine. I’m standing in front of a table in his foyer as he summons me. I’m shaken completely by this summoning. I have lost all the fire in me that made me push to get to come. I don’t know where I stand right now.

But now, I'm in Damien's crosshairs with none of that confidence. None of the brazen lust could save me. I have whimpering, fearful arousal from my traitorous body and it's a torture that felt so frightening and so good at the same time that I felt I was just one second away from crying. I’m not sad. Sure, I do have things that I could be sad about. But of all the emotions that are swirling within me, sadness isn’t one. I'm a rainbow of lust, angst, fear, and anticipation.

Damien's eyes take me in now. Dark and lust-filled, they are like the key and the lock to this maze swirling inside me. Those eyes hold the secrets to my deepest desires, and they lock me away in how he fulfills them without even taking my virginity. 

I don't know why Damien doesn’t fuck me. The little voice in my soul tells me that it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a virgin. If anything, my virginity should mean that he wants to fuck me more, right? Guys like that first-one-to-go-there thing, right?

There is nothing about Damien that is like other guys. I could never presume to know what he’s going to do much less compare it to my already meager knowledge of men.

I remember the tickets, now. What if he is merely sampling the wares without ruining the merchandise? That file can’t just be for Damien…he has me and knows all those things. They seem like a deed. I guess it could be just for Damien, but I can’t shake the feeling that they mean something else. That the tickets are intended to be used for offering me up to someone else. It is foolish, it is shameful, but the idea of someone else taking my virginity, if it is to be taken, is horrible to me. I want him to want to have me for himself. If nothing else, after all the sexual agony and ecstasy that Damien has put me through, it honestly just seems wrong to imagine anyone else taking my ‘v-card.’ God that seems damn foolish to think of that way.

I have to stop using boyfriend, normal-type things about Damien in my mind. That’s just so not the case. I mean, who has a boyfriend that tells them if they can orgasm or not? Who owns them? Fuck, everything about this is so twisted because I have this sinking feeling that I’m somehow ruined for normal. That Damien has given me a taste of something so very different…and maybe I’ll never be able to have anything different. That even if I escape that I’m still forever warped.

I shouldn't want anyone to touch me. The truth is that Damien has awakened a darkness in me. I want to say that he has polluted me with his own darkness, tainted me with his desires and his mind games, but when I ran up those stairs and made myself come just thinking about him touching me, that is all me. That is all my own darkness. Has this always existed inside me? Does Damien unlock a secret part of me…and will he abandon me before more comes to pass? I want to act on all the filthy desires I don’t quite know how to name.

Sure, a few glances, a grasp, a promise that I couldn't understand from Damien were all dark inspiration. But there is absolutely something deep within me, and I now plumb those depths because I met Damien. But I know that darkness is within me and isn’t new. The parts inside me that know better, that could resist, are drowned out in waves of the tantalizing pleasure of Damien's hands on me; my resistance is drowned out in imagining Damien’s touch.

I’m contemplating my very existence over here, as if I don’t remember that Damien has summoned me and he has shown me that he can keep me out of my head. The pleasure he can bring me, and the respite from the tangled web inside my mind? I’m actually grateful for it.

"Undress. I want to see your body, Sarah," Damien says through gritted teeth. I don’t think he is angry with me, but I know a rage has bubbled close to the surface for him. I can hear it in his voice; I can see it in the way he moves. His being seems shaken with a hostility that isn’t aimed at me. It couldn’t be because of me, right? I’ve done everything I can to be obedient.

I tremble, my fingers barely moving. 

Damien's hand reaches out and captures my hand that has just gripped a button on my blouse. His eyes dare mine to resist, but I'm frozen. Dropping my hand, his hand reaches for my buttons now. Grasping between the opening between one button and another's gap, he tears down my blouse. My breasts bounce out, my bra getting torn in the process. His strength consumes me, the fear within me transformed into longing. If he is taking from me what I want to give him, the whole responsibility and blame for this could be on him. Not on me. I want to surrender, but I won’t. The part of me that is giving way to him right now, I tell myself that’s the other part of me that I’m separating into for my safety. Should Damien ravage me, I can color outside of the lines of reason and morality. I can simply give in to desire. Match his passion with my own.

His mouth closes over one of my breasts, and his hand over the other. Neither touch is gentle or kind. No, Damien is devouring and fondling my flesh with the ferocity of a man having his first drink after being deserted for far too long. Knowing my body is quenching the dark desires within him thrills the deepest parts of me. Tremors of lust and need shoot through my veins. The moans flowing through my lips are so raw, so full of unbridled lust, that if I didn’t feel my lips shaking to release them, then I never would have thought that the urgent, desperate sounds were coming from me.

"Damien," I groan his name. He doesn't respond and I don't say anything else. His singular focus is on my breasts, and his intense touch pulls back its intensity every second, so that he's no longer roughly touching me but softly. Maddeningly. I want to scream out how much I need more. I don't know what I need, but less of him is definitely not it. I am panting, moaning, making a chorus of sounds and he is barely touching me. His tongue laps over a nipple, and then rolls down, flicking my sensitive skin. Pulling back, he blows warm air on the wet skin and the cool air around us wars for sensation. His fingers are playing with my other nipple, just barely stroking circles, lines, touches that are making me so eager for what he offered before that I'm building a frustration with my lust that makes me feel like I might burst. Damien drops his hands and looks me in the eyes. He's daring me to beg. My body is desperate for me to vocalize pathetic attempts to get him to do more of something I can't quite verbalize. 

Both of his hands press firmly into my stomach, then trail up to capture my breasts. He squeezes them, and then releases my abused breasts. They ache from how roughly he's touched me. I'm whirling with the thrill of the pleasure his touch brought, and the pain. I'm so confused, and I'm so needy.

Until just now, I couldn't really know that it would feel good. When I've masturbated to the thought of him touching me, the night that I met him, I hoped that he would touch my breasts. When I came, I squeezed my own breasts and it felt really good. But Damien's hands, touching me, are more pleasure than I can hardly stand. How can I feel so good and not be having an orgasm, I don't know, but I'm eager for his touch. The way his eyes look at me builds a pressure in my stomach that is so close, already, to an orgasm. The man is pure sex. When he touches me, I melt. When he looks at me, he drags me down into the hottest parts of hell. And every second he doesn't touch me more, I'm in the worst and best kind of torture. The anticipation could kill me with desire.

"Sarah, you want something more, you speak up," Damien says. His voice is gruff, thick and heavy, and it makes my head spin. 

There's something about him saying my name in that dark voice full of wicked promises that makes me want to moan. Instead, I bite my lip and wonder how I should answer him. I don't know what to say. I want to tell him that I don't know what I want, but all I am able to muster up the courage to say is, "Don't stop, please," in a whimpering, pathetic voice. Will he take pity on me? Will the promises in his voice be the answers to my pleas?

"Get on your knees," Damien says.

Confused, I drop to my knees. It is a strange feeling to have my knees pressing into the floor, looking up at him.

"Palms flat on your thighs," he continues to command me. He's so unreadable right now and it's maddening. Am I in trouble? What is about to happen? I'm so exhilarated, but I can't stop this feeling like I'm trying to run upstream. I'm hopelessly lost in what I'm doing, but I need to obey him. It isn't as much fear as I would like it to be. Part of me that I just don't understand, that part of me inside which I've never met before but is brought out by Damien, makes me eager to please him, draws me to obey him. I hope that there is a reward...if this is not a punishment. I wish that I knew what was happening.

"Here are the rules, baby girl," Damien says. He looks me straight in the eyes when he calls me baby girl and my pussy soaks through my panties at the words. I see his inhale, a quick breath in his throat, like he knows. Something has passed between us, though I'm not exactly sure what. I just know that whatever it unlocked between us, I want to walk through that door. I want him to press my inside and show me every new thing that I know he can. I don't know what's in store for me but I want to feel it, explore it. I want to be whatever it is that he wants me to be. I'm ashamed at how strong my feelings are, and for a man who I think is going to sell me. I don't want to be sold. I don't think I even want to be owned, though something about Damien owning me thrills me. It also terrifies me. Could I ever be what he wants? I'm a virgin, after all. I don't even know what's going on here. I wonder how long he'll make me wait, breathing in and out with my palms pressing into my thighs almost painfully with my nerves, and I realize when I catch his gaze that he's doing this on purpose. Almost as if he can see that my mind is racing and he's trying to make sure that I suffer. It is evil, pure and simple, but there's something about his control exerted in every simple moment that is addicting. I want to know more of his control. I want to know that I've pleased him. More than anything I want to see some kind of struggle on his face, some kind of passion in his power. The way that he'd touched my breasts gave me a taste of his possessiveness and the way his raw power could turn into passionate sin, and that's all I ache for. I want it any way he can give it to me.

"You are to listen to what I say, and follow each of my commands." Damien cracks his knuckles. I look into his eyes, hoping to gauge his state of mind as he orders me, but something dark passes through his eyes and he gives me another command. "Eyes to the ground."

I comply. I felt a palpable loss in not being able to look at him. Damien is no doubt gorgeous, but I want to drown in his eyes. I want to desperately search the torrential waves that I see behind his facade of control. But now I don't have that chance. I almost want to look at him now as much I want him to touch me. But I listen intently, trying not to focus on my sweating palms betraying how nervous I am.

"If you obey, you will be rewarded." 

I like the sound of this, but I've learned something in the heavy air of Damien's world versus the light air of what feels like my former life. There will be a counterbalance to this. 

"If you disobey, you will be punished." 

There it is. So why does any attention from Damien make me want to jump up and down? I've got a frenetic joy at the thought of him exerting either reward or punishment against me. Like, I have been consumed by my need for him and any bit of whatever he has to offer is water to my thirsty soul.

"You do not have a say in any of this. You are not to speak unless I have asked you a direct question. If I ask you a question, you are not to lie. If you do, I will know, and you will be punished. Do you understand?"

I start to nod, and he slaps me right in the face. 

I'm shocked, and I cry out, bringing my hand to touch where he slapped me. I look at him, tears welling in my eyes. 

He grabs my hand, getting down to my level and into my face, and presses it back to my lap forcefully. "Do you understand? I don't like to repeat myself." I hear the power in his voice, but, undoubtedly, I hear that he's aroused. It hurt when he hit me, but my pussy is aching for him now, thrumming with need. I'm so confused, but I know I don't want him to move from out of my face. Still, I need to listen. I bring my eyes to the ground. "Yes, I understand."

"Sir," he continues, jerking my chin up to look at him. "You can look at me now, so that I see you understand. You will call me Sir."

"Yes, Sir, I understand," I say, my words sounding as needy as I feel. I look in his eyes and I'm grateful to be able to look at him. I see the fire in his eyes and I can't imagine a greater reward than him looking at me this way and knowing it is because of me. If I disobey and he's this on fire, what will my obedience do to him? His face is a perfect mask of lust and I want to look at him forever.

"Eyes down, legs spread." Oh, he's taking away his face, but I'm giving him my pussy. I comply and he tears off my pants. I try to keep myself in the position because I'm trying hard to be good. I want to know what being good feels like. My face stings, mostly because of the shock of being hit, but also because it was not a light hit. I'm shocked that he did such a thing. But I'm even more shocked that it didn't feel black and white. I feel that we're living outside the lines of simple color right now, and I'm not sure where this all leads. I've always been a good girl at school, followed rules. But this kind of authority? This can't be what all boyfriends are like. Not that Damien is my boyfriend. I don't think I'd want that. The idea of watching a movie with him or cuddling with him are not nearly as exciting as me imagining what I'm going to do with him today.

I'm going to do my absolute best to do everything that he asks of me.

"Your pussy is so wet for me, Sarah," Damien says.

My face heats intensely and my head feels a little dizzy. I want to cover myself. My legs are spread and I'm bared to him and I'm intensely nervous. I realize that I'm trembling. My fingers are digging into my thighs and shaking to cover myself. But I can't. That's not what Damien told me to do.

"Breathe for me, baby girl. Don't want to lose you now when the fun hasn't even begun." Damien stands and it is all I can do to follow him with my eyes. I want to see him. I want to know what we've just begun. I want to know where it is going. My mind is racing and my cheeks are flushing, I can feel it. I need to know. The urge to control this, organize it, like I do everything else in my life is crushing me. I want to be able to know what comes next and plan for it. I want to do the right thing.

But that's it. Right now my obedience is required, and I've not been told to do anything but to maintain this position. So I will.

My pussy is wet. I can feel how slick my thighs have become, even through my clothes, before he removed those clothes. I'm pleased that he's pleased.

"You're so obedient thus far. I don't want that to change. But you're nervous, and I think you need punishment anyway. You need to feel the weight of what disobeying would mean. Maybe it can empower you to behave. I wouldn't want to spoil you with too much reward. I want you to earn that." I can almost feel his strong voice vibrating through my body. I'm trembling more than ever and trying hard not to move my hands to cover myself, or touch myself. I need some kind of relief and now I'm going to find out what punishment means, even though I've listened. It seems unfair and my first urge is to pout. I want to push the feeling down but something is rising within me, almost irrationally, and I want to act out, even though I'm already getting punishment. Perhaps because of it. Maybe the weight of everything that is happening is getting to me, in this moment, as I have no relief. He walks toward me, and I can see his shiny black shoes coming toward me as my eyes are still cast downward. "This will please me," he says, and those words are like a salve to my confused soul. I want that. I want to please Sir more than anything.

In my mind, something about how he walks toward me, brings me this promise, makes him Sir to me. Damien is Sir, and yet...Sir is not Damien. I know that beneath this power, there's a person. But right now, I want to be the putty in Sir's hands, and please him, because I believe that will please not only Sir, but Damien. I can't explain my thoughts any better than this but it seems right to me.

I try to breathe like he said. Sir gets down on the ground and brings his hands to between my thighs, rubbing his knuckles through my slit and making a wet sound that makes me so shy I want to hide. Oh god, how will I ever endure this? Why did I think that I could? Panic is setting in and my heart is racing a million miles an hour. I want to be curled up in a ball in a snowsuit, not naked in front of a dangerous man who has my pussy so wet it makes a wet sound when he touches it. I'm trying to breathe but all I manage are shallow inhales and exhales. I suck in my lips and try to focus on just waiting for what he's going to do or tell me to do next. His hand has returned to him and left me, and I can feel a chill in the air where he's not touching me anymore. I'm burning for him. Aching for his touch, his command, his...punishment.

On cue, when I'm almost ready to explode, his hand is lying my body back, stroking up the curve of my stomach. Then, he picks me up and brings me to the master bedroom, placing me on the bed with my back facing him. I'm already so frightened. He's not going to tell me what's happening or let me see him? How will I ever endure this? If I could look at him, would I be able to still take it? I can't determine if I'll be better when he starts to punish me because I know what's coming, or worse because I will have to endure it.

He walks toward an armoire and pulls out a strange set of cuffs, a blindfold, and a strap contraption that I think is a gag. I want to scream. What does Sir have planned for me?

Can I take it?

Will he be pleased if and when I do?

I take deeper breaths, attempting to control my quaking body as he straps the gag onto my face. I can breathe, still, the gag is just preventing me from talking, which I'm not supposed to do anyway. This is a kindness. By the feel of him strapping my wrists and ankles together with the cuffs, it is the last kindness that will be present in my punishment. I let my tongue cup around the odd ball of the gag, try to focus on my breathing. Every touch of his fingers makes me want to scream. I don't know what comes next but Sir has already made me come undone. I'm desperate, and I realize I'm moaning when I hear him laugh. He runs a finger along the center of one of the backs of my feet and it is a shocking sensation. I didn't know that touching my foot could feel erotic. But Sir is so enticing, I think he could make eating a can of beans erotic. Now, I want to laugh, because that's one thing I can imagine him doing. It helps to lighten the mood, for just a second.

Then, his teeth sink into one of my ass cheeks and I groan, hard. I'm grinding my pussy into the silky bed sheets, desperate for his touch. But the punishment is unlikely to involve an orgasm. Well, at least that's what I think. But every time he touches me, I'm so desperate for it that I think I just might be able to come if he touches me for more than a few seconds. We're testing that theory because his teeth release me, stinging my skin and making me pant harder against the gag, and then his hands are rubbing my ass cheeks. His large hands cover my whole ass. I have a bit of a bubble butt and I'm imagining what a sight I must be. There must be teeth prints on one cheek, and his hands are so much bigger than me that he's dwarfing my ass while it jiggles. It wouldn't have seemed sexy to me, but he's touching me, and that's the sexiest thing I can imagine. Oh God, I know now in this moment that no matter what he does to me, I want it desperately. Punish me, bite me again, I want to shout and beg and plead.

Then, both of his hands rise and fall in several quick successions, spanking my ass hard enough to make cracking sounds break through the air. Sir hits the exact same spot, again and again, and my ass is certainly red and raw. I'm groaning, yelping, and aching deep in my pussy for him to stop, or keep going, or at least just keep touching me. I can think of nothing but complying. I am supposed to take my punishment, and I will. I start to breathe more evenly as the spankings keep going past thirty and I just can't count anymore. He's not being gentle. This is not playful. My skin is dancing fire and aching lust in what is certainly an angry looking red. My pussy is drenched, despite the fact that he's hitting me again. There's a pool of my arousal blooming around my pussy on the bed. I can feel it. I bet he can see it. I guess I should feel ashamed, but instead I feel something I never would've understood before. I feel proud. This hurts. I'm crying. I'm embarrassed and a little ashamed, I'm afraid, but I'm more alive than I've ever been. I'm yelping into my gag and desperate for him to stop. To never stop. He keeps going and I'm somewhere else. I feel everything he does, yet the rest of my body also lights up. I'm floating throughout the room all while I'm still weighted down by my restraints. I feel the pull at my wrists and ankles, the strain in my shoulders, the biting sting from where he slapped my cheek earlier, and on the ass cheek where he bit me. My nipples that bit and tugged at and numb with pleasure and pain.

I'm a symphony of pain and pleasure wound into a ball of being. Just being here. His words from before echo in my mind. This feels amazing, and I'm not sure it is punishment, even though it hurts. Then he stops. The pace of the spanking stops, and the momentum of pleasure/pain turns to pain. It stings horribly. He flips me over and I'm gasping against the gag. The cold wetness from my arousal is on the bed sheets.

"You liked that more than I thought you would, Sarah, but we're not done yet." Sir's eyes drop to my pussy and his hands come down, hard. Right before my pussy, next to my thighs. Again, he's not hitting softly. This is a punishing pressure, and I'm so sensitive and needy that it makes me scream out against my gag. If I could talk, I would be begging him to stop. Then he switches to one hand and smacks me right on my pussy lips, making me shout in sensation. It fucking hurts. It hurts so goddamn much but I'm...so wet. I'm terrified that he'll stop and I'll be left to burn where he's spanked me, my ass and pussy ablaze, and with no relief. That's the real torture here. He's worked me into a frenzy, but he's not letting me have any release. He keeps spanking my pussy and I'm yelping. Fat, hot tears run down my cheeks as I'm aching for him to make all this pain mean pleasure. I want more. I want it to stop. I want it to break free what's swelling up inside of me. There's a pulsing heartbeat in my clit desperate for him to keep going, to stop, to never stop touching me. I'm so confused. The heat map of my body is all I can think of. I'm not afraid or stressed; I'm consumed by the flames licking at my soul. His slaps stop and he presses four fingers into my pussy, I can see and feel it, and his thumb starts to circle my clit.

"Now, you will not come until I say you can. Be good for me. You're doing so well, baby girl," Damien says practically purring his praise and that's enough to send a rush of arousal to shake me to my core. I'm trembling, squeezing his fingers claiming my pussy, pressing into me so good. I'm slick, dripping, and his fingers meet no friction. He's fucking into my pussy so fast that I couldn't keep up with the sensation or my breathing if I wanted to. Every inhale turns into another flutter and I feel an orgasm so close and pushing back those waves is literally painful. I need to come. It is all I can think about. I'm begging, which is only mumbling against the gag, but I hear him sternly say, "No."

I have to listen. I will. It matters to me more than anything in the world, I realize. I'm consumed with this need. A black spiral within me winds further and further down, and I keep sliding. Push back the waves of pleasure and force the orgasm to recede, stay on the precipice but not completely. Not until Sir says I can come. I stop begging and start breathing and I lock eyes with him.

There's a flare in those dark eyes that makes my nipples get painfully hard just looking at him. If I could have, I would have reached out and cupped his face. He's brutally fucking his fingers into me and he's touched my nude body, but right now feels like the most intimate thing that I've ever discovered. I'm thankful for this moment. I don't quite understand it, but the looks we share now are something I'll hold onto, I'll treasure. A voice in my mind whispers that no matter what, I have this. It is like a shooting star, gone as I appreciate it, and he gives me a look of pure menace. "Do not come," his voice is ragged, his breathing altered. I'm affecting him, and in return I'm not to come. This truly is punishment.

He jerks his fingers from my pussy. Sir no longer brushes my clit over with his thumb. Instead, his mouth is hovering over my pussy. "You are not to come," Damien commands me. I realize what he's going to do. I shouldn't have a well of shame or embarrassment to pull from, but I do. His mouth sinks down on my pussy, tongue lapping over my clit and through my folds, and I'm alive with sensation. I'm crying harder, rolling my hips into his mouth with greed, and the waves are getting harder and harder to push back. He shakes his face around me, even nips his teeth at the swollen lips of my pussy so desperate for him to let me finish what he's started. But still, he keeps going. His hands reach up and undo my gag and I'm terrified. I can't stop with my long moans. His fingers wipe away my tears while he meets my rolling hips and presses my pussy against his mouth. He's kissing my pussy roughly, then fucking it with his tongue, and I'm so overwhelmed and trying not to talk so I squeeze my eyes shut.

"Open your eyes," Sir growls against my pussy. 

The vibrations make me whimper, but I obey. I feel like any second now, I will come, and then I will be punished. I'm not allowed to come. Only days ago I barely knew anything about orgasm, and now he's about to tear one from my body and punish me because it isn't allowed. My desperate need to please him is all that I cling to. In one final push back of my orgasm's tide, that's when he looks me in the eyes, visible over the top of my pussy. "Ask permission to come, and I might let you," and he sinks his mouth back on my clit and slides several of his fingers, I can't even tell how many, into my aching, needy pussy.

"Please, please, Sir, let me come for you," I beg, sharply cringing at my words but so desperate for the orgasm no matter how embarrassed I am to be asking for it.

"No," Sir says. He pulls his fingers out of my pussy and brings his mouth up from my clit, and he sucks every drop of my arousal from his fingers.

Then, while I tremble with need, he gets closer to me, his face close enough to mine that our noses are pressed together.

"Please, please let me come for you," I whimper.

He presses two of his fingers into my mouth and I taste my arousal, tangy yet sweet, so taboo, on his fingers. I suck like they are the air I breathe.

"No," he says.

I'm so desperate to come. I don't know what to do. He is torturing me. Why won't he let me come?

When his fingers slide out of my mouth, I try to breathe. I want to ask him again, but something in his face makes me wait.

"Now, look me in the eyes and come for me," he finally says and his eyes capture mine.

I get shivers all over my entire body, watching his eyes as the waves finally roll over me and I give into everything my body aches for. I'm screaming, moaning, writhing in my bondage, but I never look away from him as I fall completely apart in the most shattering consummation of sensations that I have ever experienced. I'm never going to be able to go back from this, something in my mind whispers. I look into his dark eyes and the gushing arousal dripping down my thighs is sexy as hell to me. This beautiful man played my body like an instrument and I was full of some dark magic rushing through my veins. "Thank you, Sir," I say when I'm trembling in the aftershocks of my orgasms.

He reaches down behind my back and undoes the restraints, rubbing my wrists and ankles where I have little lines from being bound. "You did very well, Sarah." His praise in this moment, after everything, is somehow just as good as an orgasm. And that orgasm was so incredible. He makes me feel in ways that I don't know how they are possible; he's certainly a sorcerer, the way he conjures demonic depths of pleasure that contort not just my face, but my soul. Damien, and Sir, have twisted me up in a way I don't understand, but I'm not sure that I want or need to understand. He's too complex for me to fully grasp. Particularly when I don't understand his intentions, or the full extent of his desires. I'm exhausted and exhilarated.  

The only way I parse my understanding, how I translate and explain my own feelings for Damien are to see him as the two men he is; Damien is both Damien and Sir. I think he is just as lost as I am. When I feel the need color the air, I feel the heat strong as any summer’s humidity and know I’m right.

If I'm two people when I am with Damien, then so is he. Somehow, while it should horrify me or just leave me numb, this idea makes me sad.