VALENNA WAS A SUPERSTAR. Her title in the royal hierarchy of modern popular music was Pop Diva. Well, she could hardly become the queen of pop yet as Her Madgesty was still kicking ass even after three decades and Queen Bey would surely sic her deadly wasps on her if Valenna even insinuated she was in their league. She reckoned seniority in the business would have to supersede all egos on this one.
So, okay, she was fine with Pop Diva. For now. At least she wasn’t gaga for titles or tailored for swift stardom, unlike so many of her contemporaries. Their stars rose too fast and burned out even faster.
Her name was multi-hyphenated. Valenna Jones, Pop Diva— composer— multi-Grammy-award-winning singer— producer— A-list actress— credible product endorser— philanthropist— style icon— role model— virgin.
She started young in showbiz at the Mickey Mouse Club and then she had her own teen-oriented show at fourteen called Lola Moretti. That character was so adorable the show lasted until she was eighteen and so sick of playing the wholesome but super sassy Lola.
Her batch at MMC was kind of controversial because they’d all decided to wear purity rings and promised not to lose their virginity until marriage. But all of them lost their cherries at eighteen.
Well, except her. She was the last surviving virgin in that batch.
Valenna had four high-profile relationships, all of which ended up in heartbreak. She wrote about them in her songs which became no. 1 hits worldwide. This earned her the moniker Heartbreak Queen. But in the last two years, when she’d passed the age of twenty-one still a virgin, people were becoming skeptical of her claim of chastity. Many were saying she was just using it for publicity. It did make her a sort of modern day deity.
The rags had bestowed upon her another title, The Virgin Queen of Pop. At least Madge won’t get pissed off with that as they were mockingly alluding to her overripe cherry, like Queen Elizabeth’s, the Virgin Queen of England, and not her musical inclinations. The irony of it was she became more known for her long-running virginity vow and no longer for her two Grammys.
When her third ex provided juicy deets to the press about her ‘sexual frigidity’, she became a favorite joke in Tinseltown— an oddity, a hilarious throwback of the bygone era.
Her exes had all called her a cold fish. She really didn’t mind.
Until Kerion came along.
But Kerion dumped her for Brigitte Harlowe, the highest paid actress in Hollywood and the most gorgeous cougar in the whole of LA. She was totally devastated. To add insult to injury, he landed another movie with Brigitte and this time, he was playing the lead opposite the actress in a romantic comedy.
They were everywhere, promoting their movie on TV shows, attending awards nights, holding hands on the red carpet, lovey-dovey in all the ambush interviews. Brigitte seemed so smitten with Kerion she was the one doing all the PDA.
The rags were having a field day over their private lives. It was fast becoming another Demi-Ashton-Mila love triangle. The only difference was, the younger woman got ditched for the hottest cougar in town.
Watching them together destroyed her over and over again. Her heart was wrecked beyond recognition, her ego, in tatters, her self-esteem, in the pits.
At first, she blamed herself. She was a big, damn fool for losing her boyfriend over her stupid hymen. Now, it was Brigitte licking every delicious inch of her yummy ex-boyfriend. That old hag! But she was just comforting herself in her misery. At 43, Brigitte Harlowe was the most gorgeous woman in her book. The actress was even her idol, dammit! Ex-idol now!
To make matters worse, her perpetual rival, Krista Riviera was repackaging herself as the new Madonna, complete with black latex thongs and pointy Gaultierish bras, kicking her out of the No. 1 spot at the Billboard chart when Krista’s new single was released.
The last straw was the Pop Music Awards. She’d always won best video at PMA. Well, not this year. Known for its racy humor, PMA presented her with the Lifetime Virginity Award and gave Krista the Best Pop Video trophy. Thankfully she only watched it on TV or she would have committed murder live.
Her heartbreak put her in a slump for many months, not really knowing where to go next. She stayed at home, wrote songs out of her anger and pain, guzzled lots of soda and munched on tons of chocolates until she gained ten pounds.
She lost track of time. Her parents were really worried about her but she told them she was just taking things easy. She was always at home so they were assured she would not commit suicide or make a spectacle of herself in public and would be fine eventually. Thankfully, they gave her the space she needed.
But the one thing that woke her up from her depression was not a divine epiphany. Nothing as dramatic as that. What shook her up from her zombie-like existence was the woman who stole her boyfriend, Brigitte the Harlot.
The actress guested on The Erin Parker Show and dropped a bomb.
“I can see you haven’t just been riding on the success of Supernova, but riding the supporting actor, as well,” Erin had commented on Brigitte in that irreverent humor she was famous for.
Brigitte had laughed, latching onto the subject with gusto. Kerion.
“I can say my riding skills are not wasted on this one. He’s a magnificent beast. Yawrrr!”
The two women laughed.
The audience went crazy.
Valenna wanted to throw the remote control at the TV screen. The woman had no shame. Brigitte must know she had destroyed a relationship between two people in love. Never mind her cheating bastard of an ex! Kerion was not really worth it. He was a weakling! But women must learn to respect each other and not trespass on each other’s boundaries until those boundaries were publicly declared clear by the concerned parties!
“You’re a woman in a league of your own, Bridge. What’s the secret of such youthful vigor?”
Brigitte smiled and answered unequivocally.
“Plenty of sex,”
The audience went crazier.
“Who would disagree?” Brigitte had asked the audience. The studio erupted into a collective raucous laughter and applause.
If Brigitte was not with Kerion, Valenna would have cheered with the audience, too. The woman was truly ballsy to be talking like that on TV. Brigitte was the epitome of a modern independent woman, free from the confines of norms and conventions.
“I’m curious though. When did you start having sex?” Erin had asked.
“Oh, I was a late-bloomer. Nineteen. But boy, did I make up for lost time and opportunities?”
“You didn’t believe in preserving your chastity until marriage?”
Brigitte looked at Erin slyly. Her eyes indicated she knew it was a bait. But she bit it anyway.
“Virginity is so overrated. Lose it early and begin living life to the fullest. The best sex in our lives happens when our bodies are still young and are able to do what our minds command them to do. So, my advice, throw away the chastity vow. It’s a puritanical shackle that stunts your growth as a woman. Explore, ladies. Life is too short.”
The audience had erupted into a standing ovation.
That was it. The big blast that shook her up from her months of emotional stupor.
Indeed, the bitch was right.
Life was too short.
It was time to get back in the game.
Ever the visionary commander of her small empire, Valenna designed her major come back into the limelight like a battle strategist. She went to her studio and gathered all her available materials for a brand new album. She hit the gym, losing all her extra pounds in two weeks.
Talk about drive. Furious, rampaging drive.
After three months, she had a new album. A compilation of some of the angriest, in-your-face, extremely provocative songs by a female artist that even shocked the shit out of her. She couldn’t believe she’d written all these angsty songs that would rival Kurt Cobain’s raw pain. It had a rock ‘n roll vibe to it as she’d collaborated with Slash and Dave Navarro in some tracks. She also called in her friends Kanye, Ludacris and R. Kelly to sing with her in a few songs.
This album was a total makeover of her style and image. The only thing that remained was the clarity of her powerful voice.
No more good girl Valenna.
Welcome badass Valenna.
Oh, the world was in for a brand new her, she’d thought with perverse anticipation. She was determined to reverse the situation and gain back the top spot at the charts.
Then she would get rid of her cherry.
The latter, of course, would be a worldwide phenomenon. She was fucking Valenna Jones, the Virgin Queen. Her cherry-popping won’t be written down like a tawdry episode in a day-time soap.
She embarked on a high-octane publicity campaign for her new album by posing almost naked for Esquire. She followed that up with a racy video featuring her in her birthday suit riding a mechanical bull. She then ground her butt against rock star Wayland Darke’s crotch and let the rocker grab her boobies as they performed together in a huge benefit concert, earning her worldwide notoriety as the most slutty, live performer of the year.
Hah! Eat that, Madge!
Even her liberal, practical businessman of a father was horrified. But her Dad had never been able to control her from the start. And even if he tried, nobody can stop her. Not now.
For the coup de grace, she announced that she will finally get rid of her virginity soon. It will happen in Australia, as she kicked off her World Tour.
This ground-breaking move put her on every broadsheet and tabloid all over the world. She owned the internet as the most searched celebrity. It became a worldwide countdown called Popping The Pop Diva.
Her album sold 1.5 million copies on it first week of release in America alone kicking out every competition to oblivion.
Her publicist released a single statement from her to the press regarding the auction. The reason why she was doing it? Her statement was candid.
“Brangelina auctioned the first photos of Baby Shilo and donated the cash to their favorite charity. I’m taking a page from them. I’m donating the highest bid to a worthwhile project that would benefit the less fortunate but gifted children all over the world. I want to lose my cherry in a more meaningful way.”
Of course, that unorthodox statement only added to the controversy. A controversy that raged like the great Fire of London, reaching castles in Europe, palaces in the Middle East and Asia, where every red-blooded billionaire hungry for an expensive cherry all posted their bids to deflower the Pop Diva.
A controversy that demanded answers.
Answers that she will finally give during a live interview.
It was her turn with Erin.
“Valenna, your Breaking Bull video hit 130 million views on YouTube in a month. I’ve asked you this weeks ago but I want to ask you again now after seeing the smoking results, would you attribute your new album’s success to shock value? You know, you were riding a mechanical bull like there was no tomorrow in your birthday suit, or was it the cherry auction?”
Valenna shifted in her seat, crossed her legs and met Erin’s twinkling baby blues. She really liked Erin. They’d always had fun together whenever she’d guest on her top-rating show, which was a lot since she was the hottest Pop Diva of them all. Of course, a lot of other pop divas would take serious objection to that, but the numbers would not lie. Right now, she was smoking the charts, killing ‘em all, so to speak, with just one single that went mega-viral, making it one of the few fastest-selling, record-breaking singles since the dawn of MP3s.
Erin’s question was rhetorical really. She’d gotten more flak from riding a mechanical bull naked in a music video than Madonna violently humping a bed live in one of her concerts or Britney performing wasted at the VMA. But she decided to humor the studio audience with her now legendary Lola Moretti wit. Her adorable, saucy TV character, which was a household name in America, always knew how to dodge bullets in the most charming way. That was why millions of teenagers followed her FB, Twitter and Instagram accounts, imitating the way she dressed, talked and groomed her two Shih Tzus.
That was also the reason why her Breaking Bull video was met by horrified reactions by millions across the globe. Lola was a very famous, very lovable icon among young girls. They still couldn’t let go of Lola even if the show had ended almost four years ago. It was her who asked the producers not to extend the show anymore. If it were up to them, they’d have followed Lola all the way to college and made billions out of it.
She wanted to evolve. Cute, sweet, adorable Lola had to be shed off. But Lola had been ingrained deeply into the American youth culture and her fans had a hard time separating her from Valenna, the artist. They wanted sweet Lola forever. Like Peter Pan, they wanted her to be young forever.
So, when Valenna made a music video riding a mechanical bull, wearing only a white veil and nothing else, whipping the contraption with a bridal bouquet as she furiously wailed about cheating men and broken vows, the entire world thought the apocalypse had finally come for real.
Not even the Y2K or the Mayan predictions of Armageddonish end of days had put people in such horrible fear for their sanity. Breaking Bull singlehandedly did that. What in hell was sweet, wholesome Lola doing on top of mechanical bull, riding it like there was no tomorrow with not a stitch on? The world had gone mad and was surely coming to an end!
Well, judging from her smoking Facebook page diligently followed by 58 million fans worldwide, topping the president of the USA’s account even, Lola’s sweet, perfect world had surely come to an end. Enter the New World. An adventurous, gutsy, edgy world.
Valenna’s world.
“Shall we go to commercial?” Erin whispered to her when it took her a while to answer.
She smiled and addressed the audience. “First of all, I’d like to thank you for making Breaking Bull the fastest-selling single of the decade, second in the all-time category to a Beatles song which title eludes me right now. That was quick to enter the Guinness records, thanks to you guys!”
She blew the crowd a kiss.
There was a loud round of applause. Cool. At least these women didn’t hate her for ruining Lola’s wholesome memories their little girls grew up in. Those pissed off moms probably had no idea their little girls had outgrown sweet Lola too and were asking Valenna the wild chick about dating tips now. Like she was an expert on dating. Ha!
Erin was clapping with the audience. “Okay, here’s the official stats of Breaking Bull as of last week. 20 million views on YouTube within 24 hours of upload, 2.5 million units sold from iTunes in its first day of sale. 7.5 million downloads in a month and counting. Wow! If that isn’t breaking all the bulls, I don’t know what is. It’s a wonder you didn’t crash the internet!”
Valenna shrugged and just grinned.
Erin went down to serious biz. Millions of people were watching her show live worldwide. She should make it worthwhile and ask the juicy deets.
“Valenna...Tell us about the auction.”
“What about it? I think I’ve talked about it enough at my website,” she teased.
“This is your first ever interview about it and we want to hear it from your own lips, of course.”
“What do you wanna know?”
“Why are you doing it? Is this part of a promotional strategy for your album?”
“Yes and no. Yes, because my virginity has always been a subject that generates an equal number of flak and approval. Valenna Jones is still a virgin. I cannot separate that part of me because I have advocated preserving one’s chastity for like a decade. It’s part of Valenna, the celebrity, and Valenna, the simple person at home. It’s both my image and my reality. I do believe in preserving your virginity for as long as you can. And no, because my Breaking Bull video alone has sold out my World Tour as of last month and my album sold six million copies in the US alone last month. The auction just started two weeks ago.”
“But why do it this way?”
“Why not? This is a ground-breaking move by a celebrity. Some women have done it, auctioned their V-cards on the internet. I think it’s cool. I can finally prove to the world that I wasn’t faking it as a lot of my detractors have accused me of.”
“But then nobody can really prove that you really are still a virgin, right?”
“My first lover can do that. I’d have a reputed doctor examine me, to give him proof. If he chooses to tell after we, you know, I won’t mind. But it’s up to him. Revealing his identity to the public is entirely his choice, not mine. If he chooses to be private, then I can do nothing about that.”
Erin looked flabbergasted. “Seriously?”
“Yup. He’s paying premium for it. It has to be the real deal.”
“How can you be so casual about this? It’s not like auctioning your antique piano or something.”
“Why does losing my virginity have to be so melodramatic? It’s a rite of passage. It should be celebratory. How many women have lost their V-cards in an ordinary way? I want to lose mine with a bang. No pun.”
Laughs from the audience.
“Losing one’s virginity is physically painful, too, they say. I wanna lessen the blow by selling it to the highest bidder and flattering my ego senseless. Is that so bad?”
More hearty laughs from the audience and a collective “no!”.
“A minimum of ten million dollars is not so bad a compensation for the pain and possible disappointment, right?”
Laughs.
“How much is the highest bid so far?” Erin asked.
“20 million dollars as of yesterday.”
“Whoa! Get outta here!”
She laughed at Erin’s shocked expression. “My sentiments exactly. I was beyond shocked when two men actually responded two days after the auction went live on the internet. I couldn’t believe some lunatic would actually buy my virginity for ten million dollars. Like, get outta here!”
“Lunatic! That’s the operative word for sure!”
Valenna shrugged “Some men don’t know what to do with their money.”
“Indeed. Do you know the bidders? Are they even real? How do you verify their identities?”
“They are real alright. Everything’s being handled legally and professionally. Their lawyers and accountants are all talking to mine. I don’t want to be biased in choosing. I want it to be fair to all the qualified bidders. Once the bidding is closed, I’ll meet all of them in person before I choose.”
“What are your criteria in choosing?”
“Obviously, all these men are loaded and they can afford to pay. The one that will tip the balance is me. I’ll choose based on chemistry, not the amount of his bid. If he has bid lower than the rest but I like him to be the one to do the deed, then I’ll choose him.”
“I see. When I first saw the news on TV, I was, to say the least, incredulous. Why the heck would the gorgeous Valenna Jones want to lose her virginity in such a public way, not to mention in such a ...how do we put it...unorthodox way?”
“What is the orthodox way?”
“Getting into a relationship?”
“Erin, I didn’t know you were a romantic!”
Erin rolled her eyes. “Humor me. Now that you’re here, I want you to give us the blow by blow on this cherry popping business.”
Valenna’s eyes widened in feigned shock. “Blow by blow. Now you’re talking.”
Erin winked at her.
Valenna raised her hand. “This is my purity ring. I’ve worn this for close to a decade. I’ve kept my vow. I didn’t make a mockery of that vow despite having had four boyfriends over the years. It was tough! They were all eye-candies!”
Laughs from the audience.
Erin was chuckling, too. “I feel you. The last one caught a cougar. Ops...”
She gave Erin a knowing look. It was deliberate, of course. Nothing happened by accident on the Erin Parker Show. “Yeah,” she simply said and shrugged. Kerion’s betrayal still hurt like hell, but looking at it now that she had slammed the door on that episode of her life for good, getting dumped for Brigitte Harlowe probably hurt more. Her badly thrashed ego still couldn’t get over it. “We’re not talking about my exes, are we?”
“Ah, the ring. We’re talking about your purity ring.”
“Yes. I want to take this off soon. I’ve kept my vow long enough. It’s time to evolve. But I want to take it off my way. My choice. Not anybody else’s.”
“You’re getting a lot of criticisms from all sectors of society. How do you respond to their accusations that you’re literally prostituting yourself to sell records.”
“Prostituting is a bit too harsh, I think, not to mention politically incorrect for the real pros,” she shot back saucily. Those people who’d judged her like she was the modern day Mary Magdalene can all go to hell with their one-dimensional views. She will not live her life vicariously through their myopic eyes.
“The world is a strange place, Erin. When I started wearing this ring, people were so impressed they put me in the cover of a number of famous magazines. But when I wore it for years, they began reviling me for my extreme conservatism. Calling it extreme is debatable though. I’m not literally the oldest virgin in Hollywood.”
“I know. You’re just the hottest, most famous virgin in Hollywood.” Erin grinned.
She grinned back. “My virginity has been selling rags like hotcakes for years, Erin. The funniest story was that I’m actually a man underneath my clothes and the moment my very straight ex-BFs saw my treasure down there, they all ran faster than Becks in the opposite direction.”
Hysterical laughs from the audience.
“Wait, one actually stayed longer because he liked me more as a man.” She alluded to one of her exes who turned out gay, which she found out after they broke up. He was as fashion forward as she was which she thought was just a natural part of him being a supermodel. Even when he started borrowing some of her clothes and accessories, she was still oblivious to the possibility, even if the rags were screaming “He’s a double blade!” in their headlines every freakin’ week. Ah, well.
Erin was in a stitch now, bending over in her seat. “God, Valenna...You’re so...! I love you, girl!”
“Love you, too, Erin.”
“But seriously? A man? Shall we give them proof you’re not?”
“I will give YOU proof.”
Erin looked at the audience and winked. “I’ve got game, don’t I?”
More laughs.
“So now that I’ve actually decided to lose my virginity, they’re all calling me names again. The most flattering one was they called me the shrewder Madame Heidi.”
“I can see why they’d say that. The Hollywood Madame has never sold a coochiecat worth twenty million dollars! You should be flattered! I would!”
She chuckled. “Okay. I’m flattered.”
“Okay, go on, Vanna.”
“Let’s put it this way. How many girls out there have lost their virginity for the wrong reasons? Date rape? Prom night? Peer pressure? Weak will? Stupidity? Well, I’m not losing mine that way. I’m going to choose my first lover. And he’s going to pay for my choice. Isn’t that the best way to lose it?”
Applause.
“Wait, wait, wait! Romantic people like me would object. You should lose it to the one you love! The one you’re in an affectionate relationship with,” Erin argued.
“Unfortunately, I’m not one of those lucky women who score goals and three point shots in the last two minutes, Erin. So, I work around my limitations. We can’t have it all. At least, I’d get to choose a guy I like. Like is good enough for me. Love doesn’t come by to some people as easily as to others and we are all realistic enough to know that love does not need to be present to enjoy a sexual encounter with a person you’re attracted to, right?”
“But why make them pay at all?”
“If I make it free, Erin, it would be very hard for me to choose from ten million men of various races and ages. I have to narrow down the list.”
Ellen laughed. “You have a point there. So how much is the qualifying bid?”
“Bid starts at ten million dollars.”
“Hmm, stiff. Pretty stiff for them loaded bidders. No pun! And you’re definitely not a supermarket type of cherry, Valenna.”
She chuckled. “Nope. I’m designer cherry.”
“How do you verify the authenticity of the bid or the identity of the bidder?”
“A bidder must deposit a surety bond of one million dollars to enter the bidding, to be refunded along with the actual bid if I do not choose him.”
“You have everything covered, huh?”
“Yes. It’s a business and pleasure deal. I’m gonna say this again just to be on record. I really don’t care about the judgment, but the winning bid will fund the construction of several facilities in the school I’ve founded for the youth who are gifted in the arts.”
“Wait...You’ve never mentioned this before.”
“I did, once in a press release statement. To be honest, Erin, I wasn’t really sure that someone will actually post a bid. But I’ve already started the project last year. It’s located just outside of LA. It’s been ground-broken. The school is called Art for Freedom and it will provide extensive, high-quality training for kids gifted in the field of dance, music and acting. My school is international in its scope and it will be free. Totally free. We will petition for kids from Asia, Africa, Middle East, especially from those war-torn and poverty stricken countries.”
“Now, this changes everything. You’re losing your V-card for a great, great cause, Vanna.”
She smiled. “Does that make you feel more comfortable with the idea now, Erin?”
“Can’t say comfy but I understand your motive now. Somewhat.”
“I don’t want to lose my virginity in a manner that I’d forget the next month. I want it to mean something, not just an act of spending hyperactive hormones or expressing passion. I want more than that. Plus I’d get to add Bestselling Cherry to my list of growing credentials, along with my countless Razzles.”
Laughs.
“So, the actual deed will happen when and where?”
“In Oz. They’re way cooler out there, no harsh judgments. America is still horrendously mortified of my insanity, as we speak. My Break the Bull World Tour kicks off in Oz next month.”
“What do your parents say about this?”
“My father knows I know what I’m doing and I’m old enough to decide for myself. My Mom?” She grinned. “She’s the older version of me.”
“What about your other relatives?”
“They love me. They were horrified just like everybody else, but they saw the wisdom of it.”
“Wisdom?”
She shrugged. “Love limits your choice. Remove it from the equation and you’re truly free.”
“Please elaborate, Vanna. You’re waxing Deepak on my show. Dr. Phil is on vacay.”
She laughed. “They say love makes you free. I say love restricts your freedom of choice. It clouds your judgment. It makes you see things which are not there or blind you from seeing things that are there. Being in love is not a good position when making an important choice or a monumental decision.”
“Uh-huh. Go on. I’m still trying to be in your Zen zone.”
“If you want to lose your virginity, do it your way. With no emotional pressure. Do it at the right time, when you’re mentally ready. Do it with the person of your choice. Do it because you want to. People can judge you from here to Africa and back but they can never deny the fact that having total control of your choice is the best exercise of your freedom. I’m exercising mine at age 24, way past majority, after preserving my virginity for years when most women have lost their chastity way before they’ve reached 18. I’m an ambassadress of NOT Losing your V-card before 21. I don’t think there’s a sane parent in America who would object to that. Now, if every woman can manage to sell her cherry for at least 1 million dollars to the man of her choice, who would object to that? That’s the biggest manifestation of empowerment I can think of.”
Valenna then imitated Brigitte’s move. She addressed the audience. “Who objects?”
Thunderous applause. Standing ovation.
When the audience had quieted, Erin’s eyes were shining in incredulous awe.
“I wonder what the feminists will say to that? Or the feminazi for that matter?”
Valenna leaned back in her chair and smiled wickedly at the most famous lipstick lesbian and gay rights activist in the world. “You tell me, Erin.”
Erin turned to the audience. “Valenna Jones, ladies and gentlemen! We’ll be right back!”