Chapter 17
“It has been almost seven days, Kitty,” Isabella said when she finally gave in and discussed the awful episode at length with her maid.
“Perhaps he just needs a little time, Your Grace.”
“No, I think that he shall never forgive me for what I have done.” Isabella shook her head wildly. “Never.”
“But you have done nothing so terrible.” Kitty gave her a warm smile. “In fact, I think what you did was very kind.”
“But you think me misguided in my kindness?”
“No, I do not. After all, you are left with very little to go on as far as my master’s personality is concerned. You see him but two hours a day and you could not possibly have been expected to have known how His Grace would have reacted.
“True. But I could have perhaps asked you first. You or Mr. Maguire. Who knows my husband better than the two of you?” Isabella sighed and felt the sadness of that truth; she did not know her own husband as well as others did. “Oh, if only I had spoken to you first, Kitty, then this would not have happened. I would have left the doll where it was and kept away from that dreadful tower.”
“Please, do not distress yourself, my dear.” Kitty’s tone and the lightest touch on Isabella’s shoulder were more soothing than anything on earth to her.
“What is it about that awful place that draws one so? It is a place of such misery and feelings of awful foreboding. And yet Elliot takes himself there almost every day and I, like a fool, seek to follow in his footsteps when I should never have set foot inside those evil, blackened walls.”
Isabella knew that the tower was not an intrinsically evil place; it was just the site of an awful tragedy. But still, she wished she had never set eyes on it; she wished she had never looked out of her chamber window and wondered at the turret she could see through the tall trees.
It was not, in the end, an enchanted place of mystery, but a place of the deepest sadness. Isabella was whipping her emotions up into a great state, and she needed somewhere to firmly plant her blame for it all. The tower seemed as good a place as any. Of course, the truth was that she largely blamed herself for her carelessness in proceeding with little or no information. What a foolish thing she had done.
“Kitty, tell me, what should I do now?”
“I wish I knew. If I did, I would tell you, my dear. I promise.”
“But what if Elliot never speaks to me again? He is so good at hiding himself away from the world that he easily hides away from me also. And that is without so great an upset between us previously. Now that this has happened, I am sure that the two of us could live out our lives here in this place without ever once seeing one another again.” As much as Isabella was unsure of her own feelings for Elliot, she knew she could not stand a life led in such a way.
It would be too isolated; too cruel.
“I am sure that could not possibly happen,” Kitty said as brightly as she could. “You will stumble upon one another before you know it; I am quite sure of that.”
“But I stumble upon him so rarely, and Coldwell Hall is so very large.”
“But surely not so large that you would never see each other.”
“Kitty, I have not met Crawford Maguire since that first meeting here, and he claims to keep rooms here. And, apart from you, there are many of the household servants whom I am sure I have seen only once. There are probably others I have not seen at all.” She began to feel panic rising. “How is it possible for a person to be as isolated as I am in a house full of people?”
“Oh, please do not upset yourself so badly.” Kitty patted her shoulder. “Would it help if you spoke to Mr. Maguire about it all? Perhaps he might have better answers for you. And he is in a better position to speak to the Duke on personal matters where I am not.”
“But the two of you are close,” Isabella objected.
“But he is still my master, and I the maid. Now that he is a grown man, I can no longer speak with him the way I did when he was a boy. But Crawford Maguire is able to speak freely with him, being a friend and an equal.”
“And you have some contact with Crawford Maguire?” Isabella said hopefully.
“Yes, I have a good deal of contact with him. We have worked alongside one another all these years to keep the Duke well looked after. I can get a message to him and request a meeting for you.”
“Would you really, Kitty?” Isabella felt a little spark of hope in her chest.
“Of course, I would, Your Grace.” Kitty’s image in the dressing table mirror smiled warmly at Isabella’s reflection.
“Then I should be most grateful.” Isabella raised her arm and placed her hand on top of Kitty’s as it rested comfortingly on her shoulder. “Thank you, Kitty. I do not know how I would manage without you.”
Just the following day saw Crawford Maguire making his return to Coldwell Hall, and Isabella felt a twinge of nerves as she made her way to his study. She need not have feared the meeting, however, for the moment she was in his presence once again, Isabella felt as comfortable as she had the first time they had met.
“You’re Grace, how very nice to see you again.”
“Please, call me Isabella. I cannot bear to be called Your Grace any longer.” Isabella sighed with relief that Crawford Maguire was as easy company as she remembered.
“Oh dear, «he said with a wince.
“I am not complaining, Mr. Maguire, truly. I just wish I could hear my own name spoken aloud from time to time.” She shrugged.
“Surely Elliot calls you by your first name?” Crawford seemed momentarily confused.
“He does, of course, but I have not seen my husband for a week, and so I should like to hear my own name spoken. It might make me feel less alone, less isolated.”
“I am terribly sorry, Isabella. I knew, of course, that there was some problem, and I ought to have been aware of it as I spoke. Forgive me.”
“There is nothing to forgive. I am grateful to you for coming out to see me today, really I am.”
“I should have been here more than I have been of late. You would have found me easily if I had been.”
“Mr. Maguire, I would not expect you to be here at all times. You have your own life, and you must lead it. And I have heard Elliot say as much. He would not have you tied to Coldwell Hall at the expense of your own future.”
“It is no hardship. And please, if I am to call you Isabella, you must call me Crawford.” He smiled and continued, «Forgive me, but Kitty has already furnished me with some of the details of the problem at hand.”
“Then you know the foolish mistake I made with Lady Eleanor’s doll, do you not?”
“I know about the doll, but I am bound to say that I do not think your actions foolish at all,” Crawford spoke in his customary open manner.
Isabella did not suspect for a moment that his sentiment was anything other than true. He was not trying to flatter her or ease the blow of her own foolishness.
“I wish I could share your optimism, but I have been almost entirely alone this last week for my efforts, and I do not know what to do about it. There would seem to be no way for me to take the whole thing back. Of course, I cannot, but I wish I could. I wish I could erase it.”
“I do not share that view. In truth, I am glad that you have made some move which will force Elliot to make some move of his own.”
“I am afraid I do not understand.”
“Elliot visits the tower every day of his life; or almost every day, at any rate. It has been eighteen years, and it is beyond the point of being a healthy pastime. He is no longer paying respects, but clinging on to his grief. It is as if he cannot let the grief go for fear of letting Eleanor and his mother go also. But they are gone, Isabella, they are gone.”
“True, but should he not be allowed to grieve as he sees fit? We are all different after all.”
“Yes, but this is not grieving in the normal way. This is a very determined grieving. It is the sort of grieving that is born of the guilt of having survived where others have perished. It is not so much sadness and loss anymore as it is a means by which Elliot might punish himself daily. And punish himself for nothing more than the crime of surviving.”
“Oh dear.” Isabella raised a hand to her throat involuntarily.
Crawford’s words made sense, and she wished she knew her husband as well as his friend did. She might have found a different way of going about things.
“By removing the doll from the tower, you have forced him to think about his loss again instead of concentrating solely on his own punishment. He has been forced to interrupt a pattern that has been repeated almost daily for many years. And I do not doubt that Elliot is uncomfortable with it all; he has relied on this pattern for so long that he must feel all at sea.”
“But that is terrible.”
“It is painful; I have no doubt. But I also have no doubt that it is necessary. I do not think a change for the better in this situation can possibly come without pain. But I think it is fear also; the fear of letting go of old rituals if you will.”
“So, you think this to be a good thing?” Isabella wondered if there was some hope.
“Yes, I do. Elliot is stuck, not only in the past but in the routine of every day. I had hoped that he would break many of those routines once he became married, but he has kept to them much as he did before.”
“But he spends his evenings in my company. Two hours a day at least. Or he did, before all of this.” She spread her hands helplessly.
“But his days are the same. He creeps about the place trying not to encounter his own staff, content only in my company, or the company of dear Kitty. And that has not changed in many years.”
“I have only encountered him once in the daytime.”
“Because he does not want you to see him by light; you must have realised that.”
“Yes. And I know it is my fault.”
“Why? Why is it your fault?”
“If I had not fainted that day in the chapel, I would not have made Elliot feel so conscious of his scars.” Isabella looked down at her hands.
“He was conscious already, and he has been hiding from his own staff for so long it was already a habit. And he had known that your reaction would not be favourable before the day had even arrived. Elliot was aware of the dangers of marrying a lady he had never met and who had never set eyes on him. But he could not get past your father on that issue, I am afraid. The Earl would not hear of it, stating that you were well prepared, and no meeting was necessary.”
“I cannot claim to be surprised by my father’s actions, sadly.” Isabella felt her cheeks flush.
She suddenly remembered that Elliot had told Crawford Maguire that her father had made an approach for a further financial settlement to be made. Although she had stridently asserted she would wish no money to be sent, still Isabella felt the shame of the connection as if she were as guilty of greed as her father.
“But really, nothing would have prepared you for the first meeting. It is just unfortunate that your first meeting was your wedding day. You would always have had a reaction of some sort to Elliot’s appearance; you are human. It takes a while before you do not see it anymore.”
“You do not see it?” Isabella asked awkwardly with reddening cheeks. “You do not see Elliot’s scars?”
“No, I do not. But it has not always been so. I struggled with it in the beginning, but largely because I remembered just how he had looked before. I was forever expecting something different. But time passes, and I would be shocked now to see him suddenly returned to his former appearance. It is simply a matter of familiarity and nothing more.” He shrugged his broad, vaguely stooped shoulders and smiled warmly.
He really was a very nice man and undoubtedly a good friend to Elliot. And perhaps he was becoming a good friend to Isabella also.
“Then you think I can grow used to it too?”
“I have no doubt. But for that to be achieved, two things must happen.”
“And they are?”
“Firstly, Elliot must come out of the shadows, for how else are you to get used to his appearance?”
“And the second thing?”
“You must be prepared to look. If you do not look, you cannot become accustomed.”
“That is very true,” Isabella said although she already doubted her own fortitude in that regard.
“But it will take time and patience for you both.”
“And what about the doll? What if Elliot can never forgive me for what I have done? Surely then, everything we have discussed this morning would be out of the question.”
“Elliot will not stay in hiding for long. It is just his way of managing things; a way you must help him to let go of.”
“So, what should I do with the doll? I have it in my room and dare not make a move one way or the other for fear of making another grave mistake.”
“I cannot tell you what to do with the doll. I think this is something that Elliot must overcome, rather than you. You tried to help and, in the end, I think it will help. All I can provide by way of advice is to tell you to have patience. This will work itself out, I am sure. Whatever you choose to do with the doll will end up being the right thing. The whole point is that you have thrown a pebble into the still waters of habit, and the ripples will continue to spread outwards now, regardless of what you do with the doll.”