DR. Delight: A Standalone Forbidden Romance

Blurb

We both know it's forbidden but the course of true love never did run smooth!

Dr. Oliver Foxx is living the dream. A successful career, plenty of women, abundant wealth but still far from settling down.

Louise Wilder is an ambitious young medical trainee who has no intention of trading anything in her career even if that’s love. Not even when she’s assigned to shadow the handsome, Oliver Foxx or the famous DR. Delight. But little did she realize that her training program is going to be far more challenging for reasons she didn’t consider.

Things soon get complicated when sparks fly between the two and even more when they both try to forget each other.

How the hell are they gonna get out of this alive?

Will either of them be able to fight it forever?

Chapter One – Oliver

“Thirty nine years old, hey?” my friend and colleague, Doctor Simon Lee, comments with a smirk as he hands me my birthday card. “It’s the big one next year, isn’t it? That’s when you really class as old. How do you think you’ll celebrate? With a rocking chair and a nice warm blanket?”

“You shut it.” I pushed him playfully. “You act like you’re so much younger than me, I have to tell you that five years behind me isn’t that much. You certainly aren’t a spring chicken.”

“I know, but look at you. You actually have some grey hairs coming through.”

“I think they make you look distinguished.” Me and Simon glance up in shock as another voice joins in the conversation. It’s Kelly, one of my wealthy, beautiful patients. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone quite as aware and beautiful as her. “You’re very handsome, Oliver.”

I push myself into a standing position and indicate away from the staff canteen, where she definitely shouldn’t be, towards my office. “It’s Doctor Foxx to you,” I tease. “And I don’t think it’s appropriate to comment on my looks while I’m working, do you get it?”

Simon makes a scoffing sound which I choose to ignore as we both leave the room. He knows better than anyone else what I’m like, so I’m sure he can hear the hidden layers to my little comment, but since I know I can trust him in my life, I don’t feel like I need to scold him for that. Instead, I continue with Kelly down the hallway towards my room where we can be alone.

“You know I like to comment on your looks while you’re at work,” she purrs into my ear so only I can hear, allowing her breath to tickle my neck as she does. “It’s that doctor’s uniform, it drives me wild. And you are handsome in it, so why shouldn’t I say so?”

“Oh yeah?” I open the door and let her inside. “So, how’s that husband of yours?”

“Urgh, I wouldn’t be able to tell you, would I?” She takes her seat and rolls her eye at me. “He’s a workaholic so I don’t ever see him. He’s just lucky he earns so much or I’d be long gone.”

I smile to myself as I bring my PC to life. Kelly might not be the nicest person around, and she’s definitely a gold digger, but at least she’s honest about it. I see so many women coming through this place who try to act like they’re so much better than they actually are, which drives me mad. I much prefer people like Kelly who own who they are. It’s refreshing.

“So, I suppose you’re here for a check-up?” She nods and bites down on her bottom lip. “Right. Do you want to get up on the table and put your feet in the stirrups?”

“Ooh.” Kelly makes a dramatic show of shuddering at my words. “You know that’s exactly what I want to do! I want you to examine me all over.”

“Well, since I’m a gynecologist, that’s my job,” I tease while snapping the latex gloves onto my hands. “And there’s no naughtiness today. You know it’s hard enough for me to keep my hands off you when you’re all exposed like that for me. You don’t have to make it worse.”

Maybe for another doctor, saying that sort of thing is way over the line, but to me it’s normal. Especially with patients like Kelly who are pretty much gagging for it. When I first started my job as an actual doctor – something that I’d studied for years to achieve – I was all about sticking to the oath and behaving only in a professional manner, but that time has long gone.

It all started, rather ironically, with an irresistible woman named Mrs. Robinson who immediately made her attraction to me very obvious. I did what I could to keep away from her and only act in a way that I should, but it was too damn hard. Examining her intimately, touching her where she clearly wanted me to, got the better of me. Especially when she’d groan and roll her hips towards me, flicking her long auburn hair out the way while she looked at me with a desire filled look... I’m only human after all and Mrs. Robinson was like a porn movie come to life. I’m a red-blooded male with definite needs, and one day it all got too much for me and I got carried away. I touched her everywhere and made her come all over me. It was the hottest thing ever, and the fact that it was so damn wrong and such a risk, the idea that I could lose my job, made it that much more exciting.

I guess I’m just the sort of person who likes it when it’s taboo.

When I didn’t get caught that very first time, despite a couple of sleepless nights fearing that I might, I started taking more risks and pushing things even further. Now, I hook up with one of my patients pretty much every single day, and I have a funny feeling that Kelly’s actually going to be my second one for the day. I might be getting older, according to Simon, but I’m not losing my spark.

I glance down at Kelly and lick my lips as I start to examine her. It’s obvious from the slick wetness of her slit that she’s excited. As beautiful as she is, I know that her husband’s actually a very controlling man and the most excitement she ever gets is in my office. The orgasms I give her are unlike anything she gets anywhere else. She loves pleasing me too, which is a rare and awesome treat.

“So, I take it you aren’t married yet,” Kelly teases me as my hands run all over her, touching her in a way that maybe I shouldn’t. “No wife to take your attention away from work?”

“Oh no, no wife.” I shiver violently at the idea. “I’m never going to settle down.”

“You’re telling me that your biological clock isn’t ticking? There isn’t a deep desire in you to procreate and have a life long partner? Even now that you’re what, thirty nine years old?”

“I haven’t ever seen the need to be dictated by my age or what society feels like I should be doing at certain age in my life,” I tell her, maybe a little too honestly. “I’m just loving each day as it happens. If something comes along to change that, then it’s fine but I don’t think it will.”

“Oh it will,” Kelly tells me knowingly as she swings her legs down from the bed once I’m finished with her. “Some day a girl will come along that’ll change everything. You won’t even know she’s coming, she’ll just hit you in the face... metaphorically of course.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know about that.” I shake my head and smirk at her. “We’ll see.”

Kelly doesn’t bother to put her panties on, instead she walks towards me with a swing in her hips and lustful gaze in her eyes. A relief bursts through me as I realize that this is going to happen after all. Thank goodness because I’m all riled up. I’ve got myself into a bit of a state, and if I don’t get my relief with Kelly during her appointment time I’ll have to waste five minutes in the bathroom afterwards sorting myself out. Yes, I’m a horn dog, it can be a problem.

“Now that you’ve examined me, I think it’s time for me to examine you.” She pushes me backwards until I fall into a chair and she drops to her knees in front of me. “I’ve missed seeing you all writhing in pleasure,” she tells me while tugging at my belt. “It keeps me up at night. I often have to touch myself over you after crappy sex with my husband.”

If I’m honest, as she frees my erection and she pumps her hand up and down me, it’s actually the image of her getting fucked by another man which turns me on rather than the thought of her masturbating over me. I have no interest in making Kelly mine and she knows it.

“Oh shit,” I mutter as she moves her mouth in towards me. She doesn’t hang about, which I love about her too. She doesn’t try and prolong things with foreplay like some do, she dives right into action and wraps her lips around me. I’m needy and desperate, I don’t have time for fucking around. I just want to get right into it. “Oh, Kelly, that feels so good.”

She bobs her head quickly, I fist my hands up into her hair and control her movements, making her move faster and faster. She flicks her tongue all over me, sending me to heaven in a very expert way. She knows what I like now and she gives me just that. Maybe I’ve already screwed someone else today, but I’m more than ready to go. With Kelly’s mouth, I’m ready to explode wildly.

“Oh fuck,” I grunt as the pleasure bursts free from me, filling up Kelly’s mouth so much that some of it dribbles down her chin. “Oh, fucking hell! That was awesome.”

I pant breathlessly as Kelly moves her mouth away from me, tucking me away and zipping me up. I glance down at her and smirk with a small shake of my head. “God, Kelly, you are just too much.”

“I am, huh?” She straddles me and grabs my hand, before tucking it up her skirt. “Well, I’m freaking on fire now so I need you to touch me again. Just like you did before, but more.”

I slip my fingers into her, fucking her as hard and fast as I know that she likes. She rides my fingers, getting herself off incredibly quickly. Her head falls back, her blonde hair spills down her back, she gasps and grunts in a really hot way. She is gorgeous, she deserves to know it.

“Oh my God, Foxx,” Kelly gasps as her hips buck violently towards me. The orgasm shatters through her body, just like it always does when we’re together. “You are something else.”

She clings to my neck as the waves roll through her, then she kisses my cheek hard before she moves off of me. No kissing on the lips, she knows that, they all do. Kissing makes it weird and I never want it to get weird or complicated. I need everyone to know where they stand, that’s important to me.

“Right, well that was a great appointment as always.” Kelly slips her panties back on and she grabs her handbag. “I guess I’ll see you again in the next few months… unless you’re in love by then.”

“Well that won’t happen. I can assure you of that. I’ll see you again very soon.”

As she leaves the office I move back into the canteen where Simon is still sitting, clearly not stocked up with appointments today. He gives me a knowing look, almost as if he can see in my brain what’s just happened, but as always he doesn’t say anything to give my game away. He’s an awesome friend. I know that I’m lucky to have him here working with me.

“So, you know that the new batch of trainees are starting tomorrow, right? A bunch of young as fuck twenty something year olds shadowing us. Are you ready for that?”

I roll my eyes and snort with derision at the idea. It’s a part of the practice, one of the main things we do is take on trainees, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s irritating and it really gets in the way of my hooking up when I have someone shadowing me.

“Yeah, it’ll be great,” I reply sarcastically. “Such fun.”

Chapter Two – Louise

Nerves cascade through my body as I wait in line with the other trainees, all ready for the very first day of our practical training. This is weird, I’ve been working towards this day for a very long time, but now that it’s here I’m anxious as all hell. What if everything that I’ve learned in books doesn’t work out as good in practice? What if I fail hard and I truly embarrass myself? I’m already at a disadvantage since I’m the youngest one here, but that’s what I get for being smart and graduating early. I know I’m different and so do the others, I can tell by the way they leave me out.

“Okay,” a friendly looking woman says as she glances down at her clip board. “Thank you all for coming today. You have all been assigned to a doctor to shadow in the field of your interest, so when I call out your name please go in the direction that I point you in.”

I tuck my red hair behind my ear and brush my finger over my eyebrow. This is pretty much make or break for me. It depends on what doctor I get to which would decide how far I go with my career. This is so hugely important, I really need it to go well. I need a doctor who won’t mind a twenty two year old tagging after him or her. From my experience with gynecologists, they’re either amazing and really friendly, or cold and terrifying. I really need the former of the two.

Names are called out and people vanish rapidly, leaving me colder and more alone. All of a sudden, another feeling overcomes me, the horrifying sensation that I’ve been forgotten. I don’t want to be the last one standing here with no chance at progressing my career. I’ve given up so much for this! My intelligence always made sure I was in the classes with the older kids who didn’t want anything to do with me, which means I didn’t ever have a social life, I was always about work… I can’t lose out on all of that just because someone hasn’t written my name down on a piece of paper…

“Lousie Wilter.” I glance up, turning my thoughts off as my name is finally called. “You will be with Doctor Oliver Foxx.” Hmm, a male. Interesting. “He’s in room nine, down the hallway that way.” She points to her left and gives me a smile. “Give me a shout if you get lost.”

As I walk, my whole body buzzes with ice cold fear. I almost feel like my feet aren’t touching the ground, like I’m floating in air. My heart hammers violently in my chest, but I try my hardest not to let any of that show on my face. I need to act confident, until I feel it.

I lift up my shaking hand and I knock lightly on the door, probably too quietly for this doctor to hear me. I pause for just a second before I reach up and do it again, only this time with a lot more force. It’s probably too loud actually, I might have gone too far the other way…

“Come in,” a chocolaty smooth voice calls back to me, inviting me inside.

I push the door open and peer my head around it. Almost right away I’m nearly knocked to my feet by how gorgeous he is, which definitely isn’t where my brain should be going. This is the man I’m supposed to be shadowing, not getting the hots for. Just because he has dark hair, warm brown eyes, and tanned skin, doesn’t mean my heart has to skip a beat. It doesn’t matter that he has broad shoulders, chiseled cheek bones, and a cheeky smile that lures me in, I need to appear professional.

“Erm, I’m here to shadow you,” I say quietly, forgetting all my confidence tricks completely. I can even feel my cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “Are you Doctor Foxx?”

“Oliver.” He extends his hand out for me to shake it, which forces me to slide right into the room. “It’s nice to meet you… are you…” He looks down at a sheet of paper on his desk. “Louise?”

“Yes, yes I am.” Damn it. As he touches the skin of my hand I feel instant bolts of electricity racing through my body. It almost makes me jump backwards with shock, the feeling is so damn intense. I need to speak to cover it up. “Louise Wilter. It’s really nice to meet you.”

“I’m sorry, I have to ask you.” He runs his eyes up and down my body, pausing in the places that he probably shouldn’t which makes me think that maybe he felt that electricity too. “How old are you? Do you just look really young and beautiful, or are you much younger than the other trainees?”

Beautiful? Did he say beautiful? I’m not sure if I’m supposed to react to that or not. I pause for a moment and purse my lips, before deciding to ignore that comment and answer his question instead.

“I am younger, actually. I’m twenty one years old. I just graduated early.”

“Hmmm.”

I don’t know if he sounds impressed by my age or horrified that I’m so young and he’s stuck with me.

“Right, I see. Twenty one year old Louise.”

For some reason the way that he says that gets my back up. I don’t want him to have all the control of me. Just because I don’t have a lot of social and people experience doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m smart, I know I can do this… well, theoretically I can. I need to make him see that I won’t be pushed around, I’ve got to set the boundaries early on.

“How old are you?” I demand while placing my hand on my hip. Maybe it’s wrong but I think if he can ask that then I can too. I hope it’s me showing fake confidence rather than me being rude.

“Actually, I turned thirty nine yesterday. So yeah, a little bit older than you.”

I’m not sure if that comment is pointed or not. Is he announcing that he’s obviously older than me for a reason? If so, what? I already know that he’s more experienced than me in his field, that’s obvious. But if not that, then what? I cock my head curiously at him and I give him a look.

“Right, I suppose we better get on with things then.” He straightens his back and glances around the room. “I think first I better show you where everything is in my office so you can grab it when need be, then I’ll discuss my methods with you. I want you to see how I work. I know you’ll sort out your own ways of doing things when you get your own office, but for now, we do things my way.”

Somehow, despite the fact that he’s saying something quite commanding, his tone isn’t harsh, so it makes my shoulders roll back and relax. I don’t mind people telling me what to do, it helps me to know where I stand. I don’t like confusion and blurred lines, that’s where I really struggle. When other’s have an unspoken code that I just don’t understand. That’s when I feel like I’m different. Weird.

“Fine, sounds good. You show me about the place. Tell me what needs to be done. I’m here to help you out. Whatever you need, I’m absolutely down.”

I cringe as those words fly out of my mouth, that probably sounded way too forward. Or crazy. I don’t know, I just hope that Doctor Oliver Foxx doesn’t think I’m dumb. Luckily, with the happy, non-judgmental expression on his face I think I might have gotten away with it. For now. I suppose it won’t be long until he works out how sheltered and closed off I am, but for now I’m happy to just go with it. He’ll be content with my work anyway, and that’s the most important thing.

“Right, well here’s where I keep all the patient records…”

As Oliver talks, I drink every single word in. My brain is just designed like that, that’s probably why I’ve always done so well in my education, but today there’s a second layer to this. I can’t seem to stop watching Oliver and feeling things all over my body. Tingles, more intense that I’ve ever felt before, racing down to my panties. I’ve been attracted to people before, I’ve even had a short lived fling with a guy named Jonathon while I was in college, but I never felt about him like I do right now. With Jonathon, I felt a connection because he was a lot like me, we were both people who graduated early, although he was still older than me, and I thought that was enough. I liked him, he was nice but he didn’t get me going the way that I feel right now. Maybe that’s why I didn’t care much when it fell apart. There wasn’t any heart break or tears, I accepted it with poise and grace.

Maybe that’s why I feel this way about Oliver now. He’s the complete opposite to Jonathon, and to me too. He’s over a decade older than me. Almost two decades, if I’m going to get picky about it, and he’s in a completely different place in his life to me. He’s successful and established whereas I’m just starting out. Of course he’s handsome and I find him attractive, he’s an actual real man whereas I’m much more used to silly boys who don’t know much of anything. He’s confident and self assured, probably seriously incredible in bed too. Like I don’t even want to know how good his hands would feel all over my body, touching me everywhere…

Stop it, I scold myself with a sharp shake of my head. This is effectively my boss for the moment. Just because he’s hot, doesn’t mean I need to be a freak about it.

I drag my eyes away and focus on my hands for a moment as I try to regain my sanity, but it doesn’t help at all. The images of Oliver, much too naked to be appropriate, are seared into my brain. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think of anything else again. His hot, sweaty, nakedness… Oh God, I’m a mess. I didn’t even know that I enjoyed sex enough to miss it, but now I’m craving it so damn badly. It almost hurts a little bit. I cross my legs, squeezing my core, trying to keep my desperate need inside but I have the feeling that only draws Oliver’s eyes in more and makes him see just how I’m really feeling. He appears to be a man who just takes what he wants, no questions asked, no consequences considered. I don’t think someone inexperienced and naïve like me will be appealing to him at all. The look he’s giving me, the one that looks like he’s undressing me with his eyes, that must be something else entirely. That has to be me, projecting the desperate, crazy way that I am onto him. It can’t be anything else, there’s no way a man like him would like me. On top of everything, I’m much too young for him, which instantly puts a stop to anything anyway.

All I need to do is stop thinking about him. Easy peasy.

“You know what,” he finally says, really grabbing my attention. “I think it’s going to be a lot of fun working with you, Lousie Wilter. Loads of fun!”

I don’t know if his words are intended that way or not, but I can’t help but shiver violently. Maybe Oliver knows what he’s doing to me, or maybe this is all in my crazy brain. All I know for sure is that this training program is going to be far more challenging than I first assumed and for reasons I hadn’t even considered. How the hell am I going to get out of this alive?

Chapter Three – Oliver

Damn it, this chick is smoking hot! I mean absolutely stunning, and I don’t think that she knows it either. She doesn’t carry around the same confidence as someone like Kelly, which somehow makes her even more attractive to me. As she tucks a strand of her flame red hair behind her ear and her green eyes sparkle at me, I have to really keep control of myself, which isn’t easy at all. Those plump pink lips and that curvy body with a heart shaped face urge me to wrap my hands around…

No! I can’t think like that! I shake my head, trying to rid my brain of all those thoughts. I can’t be inappropriate, even if she is sexy and looks like she’s hiding a secret. I need to remain professional.

As far as I’m concerned, hooking up with patients is fine though it’s not defined in the doctor’s handbook, but going anywhere near co-workers could be disastrous. I’ve been there before, I had a fling with a super cool, gorgeous secretary who at first seemed to be a whole lot of fun. Things were great for a while, it was all casual and fine. I didn’t have anything to worry about… but soon she wanted more, she wanted everything from me, including commitment which of course I wasn’t willing to give. It got very messy, things got very complex and chaotic that it made work extremely difficult. In the end, she had to leave and I promised everyone that I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t continue to make the same mistake over and over again. I need to be smart this time.

“You think I’m going to be fun?” she stammers while inadvertently flutter her eyelashes at me.

Oh God, maybe that wasn’t the right comment to make. It’s far too inappropriate to say anything like that. “Oh well, you know, fun to work with.”

I give her a giant smile, all the while promising myself in my brain that I won’t keep pushing her, however tempting that it might be. “I’ve worked with plenty of trainees before and they’ve always been very serious. You seem much fun.”

“Ah I see.” She nods in a way that suggests she doesn’t see at all. “Okay, well thank you.”

A strange atmosphere completely fills the room which I know it’s up to me to break. I’m the damn adult here and I need to behave as such. I’m almost forty years old, she’s twenty one. It’s crazy.

“Right, okay.” I glance around the room. “Well, I think I’ve shown you everything in here. Shall we go to see the canteen? That’s where all the good stuff happens anyway.”

I have a plan with what I’m doing, I’m trying to get Louise out of the room so we can be surrounded by other people. If we aren’t alone then there’s no temptation for me to do anything.

“Sure, sounds good.” She leaps up agreeably. “Whatever you say.”

Oh God, I wish she wouldn’t say things like that! It drives me nuts. Anything that comes out of her mouth which suggests she’ll submit to me is too much. It makes my brain think all sorts of things I shouldn’t; handcuffs, ropes, whips, those lips wrapped tightly around me…

As we make our way into the canteen, it seems that a lot of the other doctors have had the same idea. It’s full of people, but thankfully that includes Simon. He glances between me and Louise with a knowing smile. I shake my head sharply at him, trying to indicate that isn’t what my intentions are, but Simon ignores me. He smirks and points towards the guy shadowing him, someone who looks incredibly serious who doesn’t have a sense of humor at all. While I don’t know much about Louise yet, I can tell she’s got lots of layers, and while it might have to be in a friendship way rather than what I’d prefer, but I look forward to peeling them all back.

I keep my distance, I step back and lean against the wall to just watch everyone else mingle. I’m usually the center of attention, right in the middle of it all, but today I just want to watch. I guess in a way I want to see what happens with Louise so I can learn more about her, but it quickly becomes obvious to me that no one intends to talk to her at all. At least some of these people must have gone to medical school with her, she should know someone. They’re all talking to one another like they’re old friends. I wonder why they’re leaving Louise out. Maybe it’s because she’s younger, maybe it’s because she graduated early and they’re jealous. Either way I don’t like it one bit.

“You okay, Louise?” I ask her quietly, touching the bottom of her back gently.

“Oh.” Her eyes widen as she glances up at me in shock. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you.”

Maybe I can’t act on my strong sexual desire for this woman, but I can be a good friend to her. If she doesn’t have anyone else that doesn’t matter. She can have me fighting for her and corner for her. My heart goes out to her, I want to make things right for her. I could stop being around with other people to keep my temptations inside. I can just control myself.

“Let’s grab a coffee, then we can go back to my office. Maybe I didn’t show you everything after all.” I give her a cheeky smile, but only a friendly one.

“Thank you, Doctor Foxx.” She looks relieved to get the chance to leave the uncomfortable room which makes me feel much better about what I’ve said. “That sounds great.”

I like the sensation of her calling me by my full name, it sends a shiver up and down my spine, which is exactly why I must put a stop to it. “Please, call me Oliver.”

“Oliver.” She nods enthusiastically with a lovely smile on her lips. “Okay, sure.”

Nope, maybe Oliver is worse. Somehow, that’s even sexier when Louise says it. Maybe the smart thing to do would be to assign Louise to another doctor so I don’t have to spend so much effort trying to keep myself away… but I also don’t want any of the other vultures near her. I think she’ll be better, safer with me. I hope at any rate…

***

I lay my head back on the cushion on my couch and stare up at the ceiling thoughtfully. The bottle of beer clutched tightly between my fingers shakes a little because I’m barely concentrating on holding my fingers together. My brain is absolutely full of thinking about Louise. Spending the entire day with her made it very challenging, I don’t know how I managed to resist her all day long. I can’t stop thinking about certain, very sexy expression on her face, it makes me so damn horny I could scream.

My hand automatically dips into my trousers and I rub the thick, throbbing erection that I have in there. I feel like I’ve been on the edge of desire all day long and now I need some satisfaction. The only problem is I know I could just sort myself out, but that won’t be enough. I need someone to help me along with this. Of course I’d like it to be Louise and with her damn sexy curvy body. Out of the office it might not be quite so bad, but I’m trying my hardest to be sensible. It’ll still cause complications at work, even if it doesn’t happen there.

Instead, I grab my cell phone and I put in a call to my next door neighbor, Rita. Me and Rita have had a thing going for absolutely ages. It only stops while she dates people, which at the moment I don’t think she is, so she’ll be up for some no strings fun. This is the exact reason I remain living in an apartment building instead of moving into a much bigger place that I could afford if I wanted to. I like having women nearby me, it makes things very easy.

“Hey there, sexy,” she purrs as she picks up the phone. “You home alone?”

I smirk to myself, glad that she’s always so damn willing for me. “Yeah, you coming over?”

“I’ll be right there. Any minute now. You just wait there, big boy.”

I drop my trousers and push myself off the couch, then I move towards the door where I know she’ll be at any moment. I feel aggressively turned on now, I need her hard and fast, I’m impatient and I can’t wait. Her knock comes a couple of seconds later, so I swing the door open and I slam my mouth into hers. I kiss her hard and fast while tearing her clothing off at the same time.

“You’re needy tonight,” she mutters into my mouth, sounding pleased. “I like it.”

I’m not thinking of her as I pull her panties to one side and I drag my own underwear down to slam into her. I’m imagining Louise, I’m pretending that I’m with her, in my office, driving into her against the wall. Me and Rita don’t even make it out the hallway, I simply take her where we are.

“Oh fuck, Oliver,” Rita grunts as she tosses her head back in ecstasy. “That feels good.”

I wish she wouldn’t talk, it’s a bit distracting but luckily not enough to take me from fantasy. I can still see Louise in my mind’s eye. I imagine her red hair spilling down her back, her pale neck revealing itself to me so I can take a deep bite of it, her pussy pulsating around me, which drives me over the edge much faster than I would normally. I explode hard and fast inside Rita, clutching on to her to keep me standing upright as I lose my shit.

“Wow,” she gushes as she strokes her fingers gently through my hair. “That was something else, what’s going on with you at the moment?”

“Oh, nothing.” I try to play it off. “Nothing at all, just a long old day, that’s all.”

Actually, I feel much better once I’m done, I feel much less spent up and crazy. I guess having some more sex with Rita would help me get Louise out of my system. Maybe I better keep Rita around for the night in case I get myself all worked up again.

“Do you want to stay for a bit?” I ask Rita while zipping myself up. “I have some beers in the fridge if you fancy one?”

She flings her hands onto her hips and she cocks her head to give me a curious look. “Yep, something is definitely going on with you. You’ve never asked me to stay for a beer before. What’s going on with you? Have you fallen in love, or something equally crazy?”

I burst out into much too hysterical, slightly fake laughter. “No, don’t be insane. I just thought…” I shake my head, knowing that I can’t pull this off at all. “Do you know what? Ignore me. I’ve gone insane.” I open the door and indicate for her to leave, which I know is what she wants anyway. “I’ll see you soon, alright.”

She leans up and kisses me on the cheek before shimmying sexily away. I chuckle to myself as I watch her go, glad that I have her as great friend. At least I know things won’t get complicated between the two of us. I can be sure about that. Maybe, it gives hope for me and Louise, maybe she won’t be as complicated as the secretary from my past, who’s name I can’t even remember now. Maybe I could make it work as a bit of fun fling after all…

Or maybe not, maybe the risk is much too high.

Chapter Four – Louise

It’s been a week, a whole week of working with Doctor Foxx, or Oliver as he still insists I call him, and my crush isn’t dampening down at all. After the first day, I thought the more time I spent with him the less I’d be attracted to him, but that hasn’t worked at all. The more I listen to him, the more knowledge that he imparts to me, the deeper I fall for him. As I watch him work, with his expert fingers, I admire him deeper. It’s only getting worse and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“Do you have any questions about the patient we just saw?” he asks me curiously.

“Erm?” I glance down at my notes, but I don’t think there’s anything I need to know. It was quite a standard appointment, all stuff I learned during my education. “No, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t ever have much to ask, do you?” He gives me a look. “You always seem to know everything. You must be incredibly smart. I suppose that’s why you graduated early.”

I shrug and blush, sensing a pride in his tone rather than a look of doubt. People don’t usually see it as a good thing that I’ve graduated so early, so it’s nice to see someone appreciate that.

“Yeah, I guess so. Or maybe I’m just a geek who’s always got her head in a book.”

“Don’t you know, geek girls are hot.” He gives me a playful wink, but it’s friendly. At least, I think it is.

Sometimes I think we’re just friends, but sometimes I get the impression that he’s attracted to me too, which makes it even harder to reel my feelings in. “So that’s good news.”

“I don’t know about that, I don’t think people think I’m hot, but sure. Thank you.”

We pause for a moment and share a second of deep eye contact. I feel emotions swirling between us that I don’t know how to decipher. I don’t know if it’s just what I want, or if it’s him too, but it feels like there’s a thick sexual tension between us. My heart thunders in my chest, a thick lump balls up in my throat, anxious butterflies flap everywhere. Does he think I’m hot? Is that what he’s trying to tell me or is this just his way? I’ve seen him make little comments to some of his patients to make them giggle and relax around him. Maybe I’m simply in that category.

I don’t know if it’s gonna help me to be honest, but at the same time I really want to know. I wish I could tear his head open and see into his brain, really know what’s going on inside of there.

“Do you, erm, want to go for your lunch break now?” Oliver drags his eyes away and he stares at the appointment list for a moment, breaking the magic. “It’s about lunch time, isn’t it?”

“Oh.” I’m taken aback by that. Usually we wait until all his appointments are done and we head to the canteen together. I like it, because it means I don’t have to sit alone. “Aren’t you coming?”

“I just have one more appointment, then I’ll be there. It’s only a quick and simple one so there isn’t any point in you hanging around. You can go ahead first and I’ll meet you in there.”

I freeze on the spot, unsure if I should go or not. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t feel like I can argue either. There’s something about this that makes it feel more like a command than a request.

“Right, okay.” There’s a tremor in my voice as I speak. “I’ll see you in a bit then.”

“Yep. No worries. I won’t be long. I’ll see you in there.”

I grab my bag and start to leave the room, but I don’t feel right about it. I glance back to look at Oliver, but he’s refusing to make eye contact with me. I really hope I haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe he’s angry that I don’t have any questions for him, maybe it’s damaging his ego. I should change that up, try and think of anything to ask just that he can impart his wisdom. I need to remember that while he’s made that comment about me being a geek girl in a positive way, he might not actually like my intelligence. My brains always put everyone off, I don’t even know how keen Jonathon was about it, maybe that’s why it all ended much too quickly.

A sadness shrouds me as I take my seat alone in the canteen, as usual no one talks to me, but actually I’m glad for a change. I don’t want to speak to anyone, I just want to think. I want to analyze and wonder what I’ve done wrong. It’s either the fact that I haven’t massaged his ego or it’s that he can see my feelings written all over my face. He knows I’m attracted to him and he’s trying to shut me down gently. I already know that nothing can happen, even if he did like me, he doesn’t need to be mean about it. Maybe, if I can work up the bravery, I’ll try and find a way to speak to him about it once he gets in here. Maybe, I don’t know if I have that ability, but I can try.

Once I finish eating, I wait in the canteen. I sit in silence with my arms folded across my chest waiting. I ate slowly to give Oliver time to finish up with his appointment, but still he isn’t here. He definitely said that he’d come, he told me to wait here for him, but now I feel a bit silly doing so. Everyone else is moving as soon as they’ve finished eating, but I’m waiting foolishly for goodness knows what. I can almost feel all eyes upon me, people thinking that I’m strange. I don’t like it.

What the hell is going on? I glance my eyes towards the door but he’s still not there. Has he remembered what he said? I know that he’s a busy man and he gets distracted easily, but this is mad.

In the end, I feel so ridiculous that I huff and I grab up my belongings. Tears sting the back of my eyes as I know now that I have to go and face him again, which is going to be humiliating. I’ve left it so long that he knows I’ve waited for him. There’s no getting away with it…

“Are you okay?” I spin my head rapidly as a softly spoken female voice speaks to me. “Sorry, I know this might be none of my business, but you look a bit sad.”

“Oh, erm…” I try to suck some air in to cool me down. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for asking.”

This isn’t one of the other trainee doctors, it’s someone I don’t know at all, but she looks friendly and sweet which actually I need. Her blue eyes are warm and open, it seems like she’s inviting me in. I haven’t had a genuine friend before and I would absolutely love one.

“I’m Julia, by the way.” She extends her hand out for me to shake it. “I work on the reception desk. I haven’t been here for too long so I don’t know many people. Please tell me if I’m overstepping a boundary, I just want to say hi because you look really sad.”

My face breaks out into a smile, already it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. “No, you know what, that’s really kind of you. I don’t know anyone either so it’s good that you’ve spoken to me. I am okay, I’m just having a bit of a rough day.”

“You’re with Doctor Foxx aren’t you?” she asks me knowingly. “I’ve heard he’s tough.”

Okay, so that might not be my real problem, but there doesn’t seem any point in disputing that point. I like Julia, I appreciate that she’s come to speak with me, but I don’t know if I can trust her yet. I don’t think I should start putting all my cards out on the table. Who knows, my feelings for Oliver could get me fired if they became public.

“Yeah, he is tough. He’s a good guy though,” I finish loyally. “But it’s a lot to take in.”

Julia pulls a pen from her pocket and she grabs my hand. “Here, I’ll write my cell phone number for you. Type it in your phone when you get it and text me whenever you need someone to talk to. Maybe we can even go out for a drink after work sometime when you’ve had a shitty day. Blow off some steam. I would certainly like that.”

Relief floods through me as Julia gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe I won’t have to go through this alone after all. Maybe, with a friend by my side I won’t need to feel quite so crap about everything. And a dink after work… I would love that.

“Thanks, Julia.” I run my eyes over the number and smile. “That’s awesome. I’ll text you when I get my phone so you have my number too. I better get back to work.”

She rubs my arm gently. “Don’t you worry about it, you’ll be fine. You’re a smart girl. Don’t worry about Doctor Foxx. If he’s being hard on you it’s because he believes in you.”

I nod slowly and walk back to the office with a happier feeling in my chest. There isn’t any point in getting too worked up and worried over Oliver, he’s only a human who has his moods, I shouldn’t read too much into it. If I hadn’t had such an isolated life so far then maybe I’d be much more used to people and this wouldn’t be so much complicated.

Just get through the rest of the day without worrying, I tell myself firmly. It doesn’t matter, nothing does. I might even have a friend now so everything is awesome.

I push the door open slowly, quietly, trying my hardest not to be such a destructive force, but maybe the silence is a mistake. I certainly think so the moment that I see the utterly shocking sight inside, the one that makes my blood run icy cold and my limbs freeze in shock.

Doctor Foxx… and a patient.

They aren’t doing anything at the moment, but it’s obvious from the way that they’re hurriedly pulling their clothes back on that there has been something. They haven’t see me yet, but I know it won’t be long until they do. I need to slide out the room at the speed of light and come back again in a moment.

I do so, still just as silently I hope and I race into the bathroom where I clutch onto the sink and I pant desperately. My brain is reeling, I’m still trying my utmost to process what I’ve just seen, but it doesn’t make much sense. I thought Oliver was a good man, I assumed that he would stick to all the rules that doctors have to abide, I didn’t think he’d act in such a way…

But he did send me away. He told me to go to lunch without him, he told me not to be there for the appointment and now I know the reason. He didn’t want me to cock block him while he fucked someone that he’s supposed to be caring for. I don’t know what to do.

Should I tell someone? Blow his case wide open? But if I do I won’t have anyone to shadow. I’ll be left behind when I really want to be pushing forwards. Also, everyone might already know, and that’ll leave me being the snitch. No one likes me as it is, except potentially Julia, I don’t want to lose my only chance of having a friend. It might be a girlfriend anyway, maybe I’m mistaken…

I don’t think I can do anything yet, I think I just need to wait. Continue on as I am and see what happens. Hopefully things won’t be as bad as I think…

Chapter Five – Oliver

As the second week with Louise working with me comes to an end, I sense a very different atmosphere circling the air. It started a few days ago, after I abandoned her to go to lunch by her own so I could get her out of my system with Diane, another of my awesome patients, and it’s continued ever since. At first I thought that something bad must have happened during lunch time that I wasn’t there to protect her from, but the only new thing I can see is a new friendship with one of the receptionists… and not even one who worked here when I got myself in a mess.

“Are you okay, Louise?” I ask her cautiously as she furiously scribbles notes in her pad of paper, doing anything she can as to not look at me. “You seem a little tense today.”

“Mhmm, I’m fine,” she shoots back coldly. “Just busy. Trying to get everything down.”

I nod slowly and narrow my eyes at her. Since she’s refusing to look at me it gives me all the freedom in the world to watch her. Her shoulders are up around her ears, there’s an iciness surrounding her, her walls are up really high. She’s definitely trying to shut me out.

Maybe she has heard about my previous work hook up. Someone could have told her that story, and I suppose from a female point of view I don’t come off it so well, I don’t look good. All I wanted to do was keep things casual, I tried my hardest to make that much obvious, but it backfired. Maybe Louise now sees me as the scum bag like everyone else does. I don’t want that, I don’t want her thinking bad things of me. I don’t usually care about the opinions of others, but with Louise I do. I want her to like me… even if we can only be friends.

“You know, me and some of the other doctors are going out to a bar after work tonight.” I never invite any of the trainees to this, and I know that I’ll be slated for doing so, but somehow for her I don’t mind at all. I can take the teasing if it brings Louise back to me. “If you’d like to come it could be cool. A good way for you to get to know me and some of the other senior staff a little better.”

She drags her eyes off the notes and stares at me in shock. I can understand that, it’s massively out of the blue, but I need to do something. For some reason, I’m desperate to get things back to the way they were. Not only the flirty bits between us which I can surely live without, but the friendship that was slowly starting to develop. I like that to develop further.

“Oh, wow, th… thank you,” she stammers awkwardly. “That’s a really nice request, but actually I’m busy tonight. I’ve been invited to a house warming at Julia’s new apartment. She’s quite a new friend and I like her a lot, so I don’t want to let her down.”

“Right, of course.” I can tell by the detail that she’s just offered me that she’s telling the truth, but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear. The fact that she probably would have said yes if she didn’t have that on makes me cringe. “Maybe another time then, we do it a lot.”

“Sure. Another time.” She glances at the appointment list and see’s Diane’s name on there. To be fair this is someone who comes her way too often, I don’t know what excuse she gives her husband, but if she wants to pay to see me and usually fool around then I’m usually all for it.

“Right, well I’m going to head to the canteen to get us both a coffee.” As she stands, I wonder what she’s playing at. She doesn’t usually dip out of appointments like this. “I’ll be back once you’ve done this job. This woman is simple, isn’t she? Not someone I need to be here for.”

Louise doesn’t wait for me to answer, she swoops from the room in a heart beat and leaves me all alone in shock. I stare after her, wondering what all of that was about. Yes, admittedly I was a bit of a dick the last time that Diane came here, but she doesn’t know what happened afterwards… does she? Oh my God, does she? Did she somehow see me and Diane?

I slump into my seat with my head in my hands as I try to work things out. That is the exact moment that things went frosty between me and Louise, so it’s very possible. But she seems like the sort of woman who would say something about it if she did. She’s a rule follower, isn’t she? She isn’t the sort of person who’d carry a massive secret like that around with her. Is she? Maybe she is, I suppose I don’t know her as well as I’d like.

God, this is a nightmare. My brain spins and I feel a little sick. What must she think of me?

“Well, hello there…” Diane’s sultry voice breaks through my shock barrier.

I drag my eyes up to see her standing up against the wall with her chest pushed out. “How are you, handsome?”

There’s a part of me that wants to be with her, to bury myself deeply into her and to just forget. Louise storming off has pretty much given me permission to do just that. If she knows, then she hasn’t said anything and she’s stepped out the way to give me the time I need to just enjoy myself, but now I don’t know if I want to. I think guilt might have the better of me and I want to just behave.

“Hop onto the bed, Diane,” I say wearily. “It’s going to just be an appointment today, I’m afraid. I’m really not in the right frame of mind for anything else.”

“Oh, poor baby.” Diane pouts out her bottom lip and she closes the gap between us. Her hand cups my groin and she strokes me gently. “What’s the matter with you? Are you sad today?”

“No, Diane.”

I try to push her away from me, but she doesn’t go anywhere. Instead she drops to her knees and she tries to prize my trousers apart. This is insane, she’s acting like a crazy, desperate person who is here to please me the other way around. “Please stop.”

“I’m not going to stop,” she gasps. “You need this even if you don’t realize you do.”

I glance down at her, wondering what sort of person I’m going to be right now. Am I going to carry on the path I’ve spent my whole life travelling, knowing that it’s even seedier now because someone that I actually like and respect might know about me, or am I going to use this as a lesson and a cue that I need to change? Maybe, at thirty nine years old, it’s finally time to grow up…

***

“Oi, Oliver.” Simon shoves me in the side, bringing me back to the present moment. “What the hell is up with you tonight? You’ve been quiet ever since you got here.”

I knock back the rest of the drink and I look at him square in the eye with a certain level of defiance. “I’m fine, mate. Just a long day, that’s all. I’m tired.”

“I bet. I’d be tired too if I had to work with that little rocket all day long.” One of the other doctors laughs at his silly joke. I don’t like the way it makes me squirm, it isn’t nice to hear him talk about Louise like that, like she’s a piece of meat without any feelings. “I’d be tired too.”

“No, not like that.” I roll my eyes. At least, it isn’t like that with her. Maybe I might be a bit tired with Diane, but that’s something I don’t want to divulge. I’m ashamed of myself for caving most of all, especially when Louse finally came back in the room and she gave me a disgusted look. It was as if she knew what had happened without me even needing to tell her. “Just work, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah sure.” Simon rolls his eyes and chuckles at me. “Just fantasizing over her all day long probably leaves you a damn mess. Your wrist must be shattered.”

I don’t know why all of this hurts so much, she’s just a friend, or she was. I might be attracted to her but that doesn’t mean I like her. I don’t like anyone properly, that’s not my thing at all. Any feelings I have are only physical, nothing more. And I’m only hooked on that, because it’s taboo.

“My wrist is fine, thank you very much.” I do my best to shut Simon down. “And it’ll be even better tonight when I find someone to take home with me.”

“Man, you’re appetite is crazy. I’ve never seen anything like that.” Simon shakes his head at me. “It’s like you’re on fire at the moment, ever since you hit thirty nine you’ve got even worse.”

His words echo what Rita said to me not so long ago. What neither of them know for sure is that age has nothing to do with it. I just need to keep on screwing around until I get Louise out of my system, that’s all. Once I’m over her completely, then I’ll go back to being as I was before.

“This isn’t a mid life crisis is it?” I give Simon a look, answering him with my expression rather than my words. “Well, I don’t want you to start making a fool of yourself. You’ll have a sports car in a moment… another one, and you’ll start wearing leathers.”

“Will you shut up?” His words are loud and echoing in my brain. I don’t need this right now, I need some space to forget all the issues I have. So far, I’ve learned that there’s only one way to do that, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. This might be a work night out, but no one expects me to stay with the group… and I don’t care if they do. “I have work to do.”

I move from the table and scan my eyes around the room, like a bird of prey searching for something to eat. I check out all the women in the room, trying to find someone who will be perfect for the night. Not someone who’s going to even expect conversation, never mind anything more. Soon I find her, a blonde sitting with three friends, flicking her hair over her shoulders as she laughs loudly, trying to gain as much attention as possible. I know the type well, she has something that she wants to forget about just like me.

Now it’s time for me to act. I need to pull her away from the group, get her to go with me, then we can both forget all our life problems in a hot and sweaty way.

“Hey there.” I lean across her chair and smile at the whole group, getting to her fast. “How are you all tonight? Can I get you girls a drink?”

“Oh sure.” They giggle and glance at each other. “Thank you.”

All of them lean forwards and push their boobs in my direction while batting their eyelashes. I have them all eating out the palm of my hand with just a few short words. Why can’t it be that easy with Louise? Not that I’m thinking about Louise right now.

“Right, champagne all round. You lot really look like you need some fun tonight, am I right?”

They all squeal and gasp in excitement, showing knowing that I’m in there. This is going to be an awesome night after all…

Chapter Six – Louise

The music thuds so loudly I can hear it right in the center of my brain. I don’t even know what it is apart from a massive, horrible racket. I guess when I was invited by Julia to her house warming I expected it to be a small gathering where I could get to know some new people better, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s loud and crazy, I’m shocked that none of the neighbors have complained yet. I keep thinking that things are going to get shut down, but they haven’t.

I don’t know why I’m here really, I haven’t seen much of Julia. I like where our friendship is going, and I thought that tonight would be an extension of that, but so far she’s spent most of the night with her tongue down some guy’s throat. I don’t blame her, she isn’t here for me, but it leaves me very much alone, a place where I’m far too comfortable I suppose. I don’t want to be, yet I am.

“Hey there.” A guy leans over my shoulder and gets right up in my face, invading my personal space in a way that’s only acceptable when drinking… which I have been solidly for the last hour. “You good? You don’t much look like you’re enjoying yourself here.”

“Oh no, it’s nice,” I reply loyally. “But I’m going home in a moment, after this drink.”

Actually, I had a bed waiting for me at Julia’s because she wants me to stay, but now I’m not going to. I need to be back at my tiny, grotty apartment. Usually I hate where I live, but tonight I’ll be glad to be back there in the quietness where I can actually sleep.

“Oh that’s a shame.” The stranger touches my arm in a gesture that’s far too sweet since I’m currently an emotional mess. “I was hoping to spend some time getting to know you.”

“You were?” I screw my nose up in confusion. “Why would you want to know me?”

“Are you kidding?” He extends his arms widely and grins. “You’re the most beautiful girl here. Of course I want to talk to you. You look really interesting as well. I bet you’ve got lots going on inside that big brain of yours.” He touches me again and I surprisingly like it. “So, what do you say?”

I part my lips, trying to find the right words, but somehow there isn’t anything there. The only other person to compliment me recently is Oliver, but of course I can’t trust his words at all. Through the slight beer goggles that I have on, this guy is like a younger version of Oliver with his dark hair and warm brown eyes. It’s confusing and makes me feel closer to him than I am.

“Do you want another drink?” He shakes his bottle at me as he senses my confusion. “Do you think you could stay for a little while longer so I can speak to the best person here?”

I can’t stop myself from smiling, he’s just so charming. “Fine,” I concede with a nod. “Get me a drink. I’ll stay for a little while longer but I can’t promise you much more than that.”

He heads into the kitchen, pausing only to glance back at me with a cheeky grin on his face. It makes my heart skip a beat and I can instantly feel a whole load of barriers blurring together because of the alcohol. My feelings for Oliver that I’ve desperately been trying to push down come flooding to the surface and transfer onto this sexy, nice stranger who’s actually been sweet with me.

Oliver is bad news anyway, he isn’t the man for me. He’s older, more mature, and doesn’t care for the rules at all. Every time I close my eyes all I can picture is him fucking her over the examining table which makes me feel ill. It’s hard for me to even work with him anymore, never mind be a friend with him. I need to find a way to forget all of that, to distract myself, and maybe this guy is here to answer my prayers. Maybe, as mad as it is to think after one tiny conversation, this is the guy that I’ll actually end up with. He might be someone that I fall in love with, which will make me forget all about Oliver and his terrible behavior. If I don’t care about him anymore then it won’t matter to me what he does.

I stare at the sexy stranger, already grinning as he makes his way back to me, knowing that I need to at least give him a chance. Up until this point the party has been a disaster, but maybe it’s about to completely turn around for the better.

“By the way, my name is Adam,” he tells me as he sits down beside me, handing me a drink. “I completely forgot to introduce myself then. And what’s your name, beautiful?”

Oh my God, I haven’t ever been called beautiful before, it feels really good. It makes me shiver, I love his openness, it makes me trust him lots.

“I’m Louise,” I tell him softly, leaning in as I speak. I think I might even be flirting which isn’t like me at all. Usually I’m too shy to even speak. This is like a miracle! It’s just so nice to be able to be open with how I’m feeling. I don’t have to hide a damn thing, I can even talk to Julia about it at some point.

“So how do you know Julia? I’ve just started working with her…”

“I’m a friend of a friend.” He shoves me playfully which makes me giggle like a crazy person. “But I don’t want to talk about Julia, I want to talk about you.”

But before I can say anything at all, his hand cups my cheek and he brings my face close to his. He stares into my eyes for a second looking at me with such lust that it makes me want to burst. Then he brings my mouth to his and he kisses me hard and fast. Damn it, this is wild, but it’s so exciting. I kiss him back with just as much passion, turning my brain off as I do. This feels so good that for just five minutes it allows me to forget about all my inner turmoil which is wonderful. I’ve been so caught up in knots and I’m only just realizing how much now.

Screw you, Oliver, I think as I wrap my hand around Adam’s neck. I can be bad too…

Not that this is about Oliver of course. I might care about him, but not enough to act out in any way. This isn’t about him, this is about me just doing something that feels good with someone who seems to like me. A lot, judging by the groaning that’s coming out of his mouth. It feels good to turn someone on, to have someone so attracted to me, it makes me feel powerful.

“Do you want to come upstairs with me?” Adam whispers into my mouth, his breath tickling all over my passion bruised lips in a really good way. “Get a little… privacy?”

I know what this means, I’m not that naïve, but what I don’t know what I want to do. I mean, I do. I want to take this further, I want to really forget and to prove to Oli… I mean, myself that I can have fun. I want to continue feeling attractive because it’s awesome. Because I’m a little drunk, I’m really leaning towards that idea. More than maybe I should be.

I bite down on my bottom lip and nod slowly. “Do you know what? Yes, I do.”

Adam takes my hand and he leads me towards the stairs, both of us giggling like crazy teenagers with an intense crush on one another. To think, only moments ago I was about to leave this party and go back home alone and lonely, and now I’m having the best night of my life. I’m giddy and excited, turned on and wild, I don’t feel like myself at all which is amazing. I like not being me for just a short while. I like letting someone taking control of the situation for just a moment because it leads me to do the things that I really want to do, but I’m too scared to.

Once we reach the top of the house, Adam circles his arms around my waist and he shoves me up against the wall where he kisses me with all the passion in the world. I can feel the burning hot desire running through his veins which ignites me even more. I’m like a damn Christmas tree I’m so lit up. I claw at him, desperately trying to unclothe him despite the fact that we’re in public.

“Get a room!” someone yells at us, which is exactly what I intend to do.

“Yeah, let’s,” I murmur to Adam. “I have a room waiting for me just across that hallway.”

As we slide into the bedroom and I close the door behind us, I flick the lock shut and turn to face him with a bright, cheeky smile playing on my lips. Now, that I’m alone with Adam, the sound of the pumping music is sexy. It makes me feel like we’re in a public place and might get caught, but it’s okay because I have the safety of a locked door keeping the rest of the world away from us.

“So,” I say in what I hope is a seductive, husky voice as I shake my hips and move towards him.

“Now we’re alone. We have some privacy. What are we going to do with it?”

Adam grabs me and he kisses me again, this time we can actually tear one another’s clothes off rather than just acting like we want to, and it’s amazing. The more I can feel of his flushed, boiling skin, the more turned on I become. I can barely stand it, I need him now, I need the way that he makes me feel. As we crash back onto the bed behind me, I feel so fucking good I could scream.

“Oh fuck.” Adam angles himself into me as he kisses down my neck. “Fucking hell.”

I like the fact that he isn’t messing around, I’m glad there’s no extended, slightly awkward foreplay. Even if he does turn out to be the guy I end up falling in love with, right now I just want him to drive into me to make me forget. I need to feel him everywhere, filling me up.

As he thrusts hard into me and he moves at a rapid pace. I claw at his back, needily and desperately, gasping as the heat consumes me and I feel completely breathless. I don’t know how good this feels exactly, it isn’t as thrilling and delicious as I thought it would be, but it’s better than moping over Oliver. Not that I’m thinking about Oliver right now of course.

“Oh my God!” Adam cries out as he explodes inside of me, much too quickly. “Oh fuck, Julia that feels so fucking good.”

As he rolls next to me, panting heavily and wiping the sweat from his forehead, an ice cold pit of shame forms in my stomach. This is a mistake, I never should have let this happen. I know I’m not a one night stand kinda girl and now this has just proven that.

“It’s Louise, actually…” I say pathetically. “Not Julia.”

“Huh?” Adam replies, but of course he’s hardly listening. He’s practically snoring on the other side of the bed with his back to me. He isn’t interested in me at all, he probably just noticed my vulnerability and decided to take advantage of me. Just another man, screwing me over. Wonderful.

Chapter Seven – Oliver

I feel sick as I wake up the next morning, and not just because I’m incredibly hungover, although I know I am definitely having that. No, my real problem is the two women in the bed next to me. The blonde that I originally had my eye on and her brunette best friend, the craziest girls that I think I’ve ever hooked up with. I mean, they certainly helped me to forget all about my issues with Louise with that wild threesome where I did things that I only ever get to do rarely… and while it was fun at the time, now, in the cold sober light of day I just feel sick at my behavior. I’m an idiot.

What the hell is wrong with me? I think to myself as I push myself off the bed. I want to stay there all day all but I can’t continue to lie next to strangers. It’s weird. I need to clean myself off, to wash off the night, then some time after that I need to get rid of these people because I have to work. With Louise, she’s the girl I won’t be able to fully forget no matter what I do. Not while she’s working with me.

I clutch my aching head in my hands as I flick the shower water on. While I wait for it to heat up, I shake my head and gag at the memory of my behavior. At some point, the life style that’s always seemed really awesome to me is about to become tragic and sad, and I don’t know when that moment will be. I hope it isn’t now, but I have a horrible feeling that it is. I’ve hooked up with a lot of people in the last few days and it hasn’t felt good at all. The more I do it, the worse I feel. As I stand there naked, with only the memory of what happened last night, I don’t like myself at all.

Eventually I get into the shower and I try to relax under the steaming water that pours over me but I can’t. My muscles remain tense, my skin still feels dirty, I don’t feel any better at all. All I can think about is facing Louise again on Monday and making her know what I’m like. I just want her to think that I’m better, that’s all. Maybe this is karma kicking me in the ass.

I give up on the shower much quicker that I would normally and I wrap a small towel around my waist. Then I stand for a few moments staring at the slightly foggy reflection I’m showing in the mirror. I barely look like myself at all, my skin is all pale and sallow, my eyes look empty, I’m unhappy. I certainly don’t have any reason to be miserable; I have a great job, lots of friends, plenty of cash, and women throwing themselves at me. What is it about this one that’s shaken absolutely everything up? Why does this naïve, sweet young thing affect me so badly? I need to work it out.

As I leave the bathroom I hear giggling from the bedroom which means the girls are awake. It’s time to have the super awkward conversation where I ask them to leave because all I want is to be by myself. If they’re already having fun in there it probably means that they’re up for more. I could probably enjoy myself with them all weekend if I wanted to, but I don’t want the self loathing any longer, I want to work out how I can make myself feel a whole lot better.

“Oh, hello there,” the brunette calls out to me with a cheeky smile on her face. She rises into a sitting position and pushes out her naked breasts in my direction. Her nipples are standing to attention, and not because of the cold. “Are you coming back to bed?”

“No.” I shake my head much too rapidly. “No, I’m not getting back in bed. Actually, I think it might be time for you to go. I have a lot going on today, work I need to do and stuff…”

“Oh no, don’t make us go,” the blonde says while pouting out her lips. “We have so much that we still want to do with you. Last night was only the tip of the ice berg!”

It was? I can’t help being intrigued by that. What we did last night was absolutely insane. If that isn’t the whole of it then what more can there be? Can there actually be more to what they can do? Am I about to be sucked in to something even crazier than last night?

“No.” I shake my head decidedly, knowing that taking this step isn’t going to help me to better myself.

“I really do need you both to go. I have a lot that I need to get done this weekend but I can’t do it with you here. I appreciate the offer and we’ve had a lot of fun, but now I have to be by myself.”

They grumble and moan about me, almost under their breath and they get their clothes back on. I leave the room to give them some privacy and blow out a deep breath of air as relief floods me. No more making mistakes and acting like a fool. I’m just going to have to find another way to help myself to forget Louise because clearly this isn’t working.

***

I watch Louise across the office talking quietly to a client. She’s not like me, she doesn’t charm people and act flirty, she is just calm and composed. But somehow it works even more effectively. She isn’t the warmest or the easiest socially, but there’s something about her that makes them happy anyway. Me too. I’m super happy when she’s around… sad too, but that’s only because she isn’t speaking to me much. She’s still being cold with me, which I hate.

Once Louise is done with the patient, we’re left alone in the room again. I take a deep sigh and I move closer to her, wishing I could find the words to dispel this tension between us. If I didn’t have all this guilt swilling through my system then maybe I could do it.

“So, Louise,” I start quietly, needing to say something. I just want her to look at me. “Erm, how was your weekend? Was the house party thing for your friend okay?”

She snaps her eyes up at me and panic covers her expression. I can already tell that she’s worried and I’ve said the wrong thing, but I don’t know why. I wish I could take my words back, but they’re out there now, causing her trouble for some reason. I really want to know why.

“Oh, the house party.” Her cheeks flame bright red. Clearly something happened at the party and I’m intrigued to know what. But I can’t ask, in case she probes too deeply into my weekend. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all, I can’t tell her that I had a threesome with two nameless girls, then spent the rest of the time moping on my couch and hating myself. “Yep, it was…”

“Was it Julia’s?” My voice is shaky, I’m just trying to speak about something that feels safe.

“Yeah. Julia’s house. She had a good time, I think. She got very drunk and spent all the morning being sick.” She chuckles, but the sound is mirthless. “I was good at holding her hair back.”

“Oh yeah? So you weren’t being sick yourself? Didn’t you go nuts?”

She purses her lips tightly together and glances down at the floor underneath her feet. Something bad definitely happened at the party. Much as I desperately want to know but I also think it might be better to steer away from the awkward topic in case she gets upset. She’s already not happy with me and I don’t want to make that worse. I just want to see that lovely sweet smile of hers.

“Right, well do you want to go to lunch?” I glance at my watch and notice that maybe it’s a bit early for food, but it’s better than talking about all of this and hurting her feelings more than I already have. “Are you hungry yet? We could get in there quick before the canteen fills up.”

“You don’t have an appointment that you want to take on while I eat?” she asks me curiously, causing guilt to flood my body. I really have been a shit to her and I can’t even explain why. I can’t tell her that I like her and I’m trying to forget her. That’s insane.

“No, I don’t, and I won’t again,” I tell her decidedly. “I shouldn’t be doing appointments by myself without you there or what’s the point of you shadowing me?”

I offer her a smile, but Louise doesn’t take it. She nods and agrees for me to come with her, but she isn’t opening up to me at all. I suppose it’s going to take a while for her to fully trust me again and I just have to accept that. Well, that’s fine. I’m willing to try. I haven’t ever had to put in so much effort to carve out a friendship before, I’ve never had to, but at the same time I don’t mind for Louise.

We walk into the canteen and take our seats. I sit in the chair opposite Louise and watch while she takes a bite out of her sandwich and with just that one simple gesture she completely takes my breath away. She’s so damn beautiful that I want to hold her close to my chest and just caress her. Something is making her sad, and I want to erase that from her completely.

“So, what are your plans after college?” I ask her, sticking to work which I think is a much safer subject between the two of us, me the workaholic and Louise the ambitious trainee.

“I’ve been thinking about moving away,” she tells me quietly.

“I always had this plan that as soon as I get my education out of the way I’m going to start again in a brand new city where no one knows my name and no one knows about my past.” She sighs loudly, her eyebrows knitting together as she thinks. “A fresh start, a chance to reinvent myself as someone brand new.”

“You want to be someone else?” I can’t imagine that at all, but then again up until this moment I’ve only been extremely happy with my life. “Who will you be in this brand new life of yours?”

“Oh someone confident and fun,” she shoots back right away. “Someone who isn’t shy and isolated. Someone who hasn’t spent her whole life around people who don’t want to know me.”

“I want to know you,” I shoot back right away. “And if I want to know you I’m sure many people do. You just need to open up and let them in, that’s all. If you do that then maybe you can cultivate that new personality here itself. You don’t have to go anywhere at all.” When she doesn’t say anything, I feel the need to continue. “I mean, I’m sure your family want you to stay.”

“Oh right, yeah, I don’t actually have any family,” she replies quietly. “I haven’t done for a while so I wouldn’t need to worry about that. But maybe I could do it here if I wanted to, I’m not sure yet. I don’t know what my plan is.”

She has no family? That’s something I never would have guessed about her. It makes me see a whole different, more vulnerable side to her. Now I want to protect her more, it makes me even more determined to look after her. I’m going to have to make her forgive me and warm to me properly, whatever it takes.

Chapter Eight – Louise

“Hey, Louise,” Julia calls out my name in a bright tone of voice. “How you doing?”

“Urgh, not good,” I grumble while clutching onto my flip flopping stomach. “I feel sick.”

“You’ve felt ill for a while now, is everything alright? It’s been like, weeks, hasn’t it?”

I scroll back in my brain and realize that she’s right. It has been a while since I’ve felt well. Ever since her party actually, which was about five weeks ago. What the hell is wrong with me? At first I thought it was guilt because I slept with that random Adam that no one seems to know, especially not Julia, but now… now I’m scared it might be something else.

What if I caught something? I feel scared as I cross my legs. Did we even use protection?

I don’t know if we did because it all happened in the heat of the moment and I’d been drinking so I wasn’t thinking smart and now I might be paying the consequences for that.

“Erm yeah, I might make an appointment to see someone actually. It has been too long.”

“You should book one here. You’ll get any treatment for free while you’re working here.”

Urgh, much as that sounds like the worst idea that I’ve ever heard but at the same time I can’t really afford anything out of what I’m already paying for at the moment, so I might have to. Hopefully I’ll get one of the doctors that I don’t see very often so I don’t have to be ashamed all the time.

“Right, sounds good, Julia. Thanks.”

She cocks her head and looks at me curiously. I try to drag a big smile onto my face but since she’s the closest friend that I’ve ever had she sees right through it.

“How are things with Oliver?” she asks me calmly. “Is he still being a bit of an asshole to work with?”

Actually, Oliver is being amazing at the moment. He’s being really nice to me, the sweetest guy ever, but still I’m closed off with him. I don’t know if I can open up ever again, things are incredibly strange and it’s all my fault. I’m the one who got all weird when I saw him hooking up with another woman, which he was perfectly within his rights to do so, and then the whole Adam bullshit happened which now I feel really guilty about. I can’t let myself be vulnerable with Oliver, I just can’t.

“He’s good actually,” I tell Julia with a smile. “He’s not that bad after all.”

“Uh oh. Are you mooning?” I knot my eyebrows together and I look at Julia. “Are you swooning over Oliver? You don’t like him, do you? I know that he’s hot but I’ve heard that he’s a player. You don’t want to fall for someone that you work with, it’ll be a nightmare.”

I shake my head vigorously, needing to put that rumor to bed before it spins wildly out of control. It isn’t that Julia is a gossip or anything, and I know she wouldn’t betray me, but I’m not ready to tell her yet. I’m barely ready to admit it to myself.

“Okay, so not swooning over Oliver. Is it still this mysterious Adam?” Julia giggles, mostly because she only thinks that me and Adam kissed and slept in the bed next to each other.

I don’t know why I didn’t admit the truth about that one because she told me that she hooked up with someone, I guess I’m not good at this whole one night stand thing. Or friendship thing actually. I need to get better at all of that. “Is he still playing on your mind? I’m still asking around for you but no one knows him yet. Someone has to though in the end, he couldn’t have come alone.”

Maybe he did, just to prey on me, to take advantage of my vulnerable nature and to riddle me with the disease. Maybe that’s something he does all the time, his name probably isn’t Adam. Whatever the truth is, I’ll never find out because I’m never going to see him again. He swooped into my life for just a moment, then he vanished. He wasn’t even there in the morning, he couldn’t stand me enough to stick around and say good morning.

“I don’t know about that. I don’t think I’m swooning over Adam either,” I tell her as I slide off my chair. “I think I’m just sick and I need to work out why. I’m going to write my name down on the appointment list then I’m going to get through this day without throwing up.”

“You know you probably shouldn’t be here if you’re sick because you might spread illness around to patients. If it’s a bug, you should go home.”

It isn’t a bug, and I know it. It’s something venereal, but I can’t admit that to Julia without telling her the whole sad, sorry story of my life which I’m definitely not ready to do, so I keep on walking out of the room, acting like I haven’t heard her and I don’t stop moving until I’m in Oliver’s office, waiting for him to come in to start work. He isn’t ever early, he’s always on time which is perfect today. It gives me a moment to gather up my thoughts.

I take a seat and I spin around on it while staring up at the ceiling. With Jonathon I was always sensible. I never would have gotten myself in this sort of position, but then I don’t think he was ever the type to not use a condom. He was always super smart and stoic, which I liked and hated all at once. It wasn’t ever passionate and exciting, but it seems that isn’t good for me either. If anything, acting on my feelings and not thinking anything through has only left me in a complete and utter mess.

“Hello, Louise.” I nearly roll my eyes as I hear Oliver’s voice. “How are you today?”

Gutted, sick, ill… but of course I don’t tell him that. I smile and tell him that all is good, just because it’s easier. “Yep, fine are you okay?”

“I’m good.” He takes his chair and looks at me. “Erm, I just wanted to tell you that me and the other doctors are going out for a few drinks again tonight if you want to come.”

God, I really want to. I want to make up for missing the last time, I want to hang out with Oliver some more too, but while I have my impending appointment coming up, which I still need to book, I don’t want to get to know any of the other doctors better.

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m not feeling one hundred percent myself at the moment. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I give him a regretful apologetic look. “I don’t mean to let you down again, I definitely do want to come with you at some point but tonight isn’t good for me.”

“Oh right. You aren’t well?” Oliver runs his eyes up and down me, only thankfully this isn’t in a sexy way. “What’s going on? Do you need anything? I can always help you out…”

“No, thank you.” That’s the last thing on the planet that I want.

The idea of Oliver knowing my story is even more humiliating than the thought of telling Julia. I’d die before letting him know anything. “I’ll be fine, I’ll sort out a more specialist appointment today at some point.”

Oliver moves closer to me and he touches my chin gently. “You don’t look so good, I really do think that you might be ill. I think it might be a good idea if you go home.”

Urgh, maybe I should just go. Maybe it’d be easier than dealing with everyone here, and I really do feel like I might have a temperature coming on. I have some college work to go alongside my training to do anyway, so it isn’t like I’d have nothing to do. I don’t do well with lots of alone time with my thoughts. It makes me think too much, then I overanalyze.

“Okay, maybe I will,” I reply quietly, while hanging my head in sheer shame. “I’m sorry to let you down but I suppose it’s better that I get well.”

Oliver doesn’t say anything, he lets me go which I do really glumly. I drag my feet, giving him a chance to ask me to stay which for some reason doesn’t make any sense to the logical side of my brain, I want him to need me to stay. I want him to beg me to remain. But he doesn’t.

Once I get out to the reception desk and I notice that Julia isn’t there, I lean across and book an appointment with a girl I don’t know. I give her the bare minimum details, nothing that gives anything away, and then I leave as quickly as I can before anyone can ask any questions.

As I walk the short distance towards my apartment, my head spins everywhere. I’m just so glad that I live close enough that I don’t have to get on any form of public transport, that wouldn’t be good for me at all. I’m not in any sort of position to be dealing with the public right now. I just need to be alone, locked away in my apartment where I can deal with my disgusting side effect of my one night stand. I’m not the sort of girl to have an STD but here I am, potentially dealing with just that.

Urgh, I’m gross. I slam my way into my home and collapse onto the couch where I lie with my face in the pillow, so I can weep like a pathetic baby. As I cry I remember Adam’s face, and how much he looked like Oliver. If he hadn’t, I never would have transferred my feelings onto him and acted like a crazy person. I never would have given into the passion and had sex with him. I would have acted like my normal, sensible self.

The random moment of passion didn’t even feel good enough to be worth all of this. The compliments were nice enough and the kissing was kinda fun, but the sex wasn’t anything incredible at all. It was just a few moments of recklessness that might have changed everything. Even if it had been a lot of fun, nothing could be worth this right now. I feel sick, guilty, absolutely dreadful and that’s the way I’m going to have to feel until tomorrow when I have my appointment at the end of the day. That’s when I’ll get my answer. Until then I need to do what I can to forget it all.

Really, this is the sort of time I should have someone in my family to call. I should have a mother to go to for advice, or a father to talk about my boy problems with, but I don’t. I don’t even know who my father is, my mother never told me his name. To be honest I’m not even sure that she knew. She was always a flighty, cold woman who didn’t let anyone in. When she died, it crushed me badly as I didn’t want to lose my only remaining family member, but I never had an emotional bond with her anyway, I was just as isolated from her as I was with the rest of the world, but now that I’m having such a terrible time I could use the listening ear of someone who loves me unconditionally.

I roll onto my back and let the tears stream down my cheeks. Even if this is difficult, I’ve been through so much worse, I can deal with this too, and learn from it as well. I’ll give myself the rest of today to mope but that is it, after that I’ll get back to my normal self. I have to, I don’t have a choice, I’m getting through this alone just like I have done everything else in my life till today.

Chapter Nine – Oliver

Why is Louise’s name on the list to see a gynecologist? I don’t understand it. I know that she’s sick, she told me that much, but I thought it was a stomach thing. She made out that’s what it was anyway, but now I’m kinda worried. Of course she isn’t on my list, but I suppose that’s to be expected. She won’t want to see me when she has to work so closely with me but I really want to see her. I want to rebuild that bridge between us, I want to make things right, and I don’t know why but I have the funny feeling that I can win her around if I’m the one who sees her, who examines her and offers her a cure to whatever ails her. She might be embarrassed to start with, but I’ll put her at ease.

I glance left and right, trying to check that no one is watching me then I secretly rub her name off the list and write her onto mine. My heart thumps painfully in my chest as I do so but I don’t regret my decision. I’m so good at winning the affections of women while I examine them. I don’t see why I can’t do that again. I won’t act in a way I shouldn’t, but I’ll just get her to like me again.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

My heart almost leaps out of my skin when my cell phone blasts out in my pocket. I clutch it, fumbling with the buttons and I hit answer without much thinking about it.

“Hello?” a voice calls from the other end. “Hello? Oliver, are you there?”

“Oh, hi Mom.” I almost roll my eyes as I pick up, I just know that this is going to be a lecture that I really don’t want to hear. “How are you doing? Was the cruise nice?”

She and my father have worked hard all their lives and now they finally have the money they need to travel the world which they do via cruises. To me it sounds really boring, I couldn’t imagine anything worse than sitting on a boat for months on end with familiar faces surrounding me, but then that’s why I’m not the one doing it. If it makes them happy then fine.

“Yes, it was. Sorry I didn’t call you on your birthday we were out in the middle of the ocean somewhere. I have transferred some money into your account so you can get yourself something with it. Sorry it’s late, but I’m sure that now you’re thirty nine years old you don’t mind.”

“Nope,” I reply sharply. “I don’t mind. Thanks, Mom, that’s awesome.”

“We’re going to come and see you soon, once we get back from Thailand. I hope that’s alright with you?” As always, she doesn’t wait for me to answer, but that’s because she knows as well as I do, that she probably won’t come. I don’t mind my parents being busy, it’s better than them interfering, I just wish she wouldn’t complain all the time. “But just that I don’t have to wait all that time to catch up with you, how are things with you? Any progress with things in your life?”

“Do you mean my career or something else?” I know what she wants, I just want to tease her.

“Well, I do like hearing about your job but since I don’t understand it much I’d rather hear more about your personal life. Your love life, primarily. Are there any girls in your life right now?”

The first face that pops into my head is Louise’s. I see her sweet heart shaped face, her sparkling eyes, the way that she flicks her red hair out of the way when it dangles into her eyes… but of course I don’t say that. She doesn’t even like me at the moment, never mind anything else. Not that I want her to be mine, of course…

“No, Mom. There isn’t anyone. I’m just carrying on being me, you know.”

“Oh, Oliver. You’re going to miss out on the chance to be father at this rate…”

“Mom, I don’t want to hear it,” I snap in rapidly. “You know I don’t. If I ever decide to settle down then I’ll worry about all of that stuff then. I don’t want to freak out about it now.”

She had me when she was eighteen years old, so the fact that I’ve waited this long to even consider having kids kills her. She was scared to have me, but now she believes that it’s the best thing she’s ever done because as soon as I grew up enough to start looking after myself, she and Dad began travelling. They got their own lives back. But just because that’s her opinion I don’t know why I have to have that idea forced on me too. I want to live in my own way, the way that makes me happy.

“Oh, Oliver, I don’t think you get it.” Mom sighs, sounding incredibly frustrated with me.

“One day you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about and you’ll wish you did it sooner. I just don’t want you to have too many regrets. The last thing I want is for you to end up too old to have everything that you want in life. Things that you probably don’t even realize that you need yet! I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy,” I say through gritted teeth. “I love my life at the moment.”

“Right, if you say so.”

I don’t know why she sounds like she doesn’t believe me one bit, but there’s no point in arguing with her. I can’t get entangled in that vicious circle with no escape again. It’s pointless, especially when we don’t talk much as it is.

“I have to go because your dad is calling me, but I’ll give you a call again as soon as I can. Once we’re somewhere with cell phone signal.”

“Okay, Mom.” I huff without meaning to. “I’ll speak to you soon. Bye.”

I sigh loudly and glance at the floor in a moment of distress. Even though that conversation didn’t lead anywhere and wasn’t even that long but it left me emotionally drained. I never miss answering the calls from my parents, but the conversations about settling down and creating a family drives me right down into the ground. I just don’t want it, why can’t she understand that? It won’t make any difference to her anyway. If she’s always around the world travelling, she won’t even be a super involved grandparent, so why does she care so much? I’m sure it’s just to annoy me!

“That’s your Mom?” Simon asks in a bemused voice from behind me. “What this time? Get married and have a hundred children? Or did she have something new to say?”

“Nope. Same as usual. Urgh, I need a coffee. Come on, let’s go into the canteen.”

I follow Simon into the other room and scan my eyes over the people in there already. Of course I’m only looking for one person, but I don’t want it to seem that way. I’m already pretty sure that she won’t be here since she’s still ill and won’t be here until her appointment time, but I have to check.

“Your girl still not here?” Simon asks me casually. When I shake my head, he continues talking. “I think I might ask her out. What do you think? You think she’s like me?”

His words make my heart ball up in my throat. My blood runs ice cold and I feel my veins freeze over. The thought of Simon taking Louise out and treating her in the causal way that he treats all women makes me feel sick. This isn’t normally something I’d care about, but now I do. Even if I like a girl that he’s interested in, I just see it as fun competition. We haven’t ever fought over a chick, none of us are ever that bothered about them, it’s just a friendly competition that’s all.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I repeat much too quickly. My cheeks flame as I speak, with a bit of embarrassment and a lot of anger. “You know how work place romances end.”

“Romance, pfft,” he scoffs. “I don’t want romance, just a quick screw. She’s only a trainee anyway so she won’t be here long. Just enough time for me to have some fun.” He elbows me playfully in the side. “A lot of fun too, judging by the wicked look she has. That cheekiness in her eyes.”

My blood bubbles and boils, all the iciness I was feeling only a moment before zaps from my body completely and leaves me all hot. The idea of Simon even talking to Louise is bad enough, but the fear that she might say yes utterly kills me. I don’t want that one bit, and I’m pretty sure at the moment she wouldn’t want to hear anything that I have to say about Simon and his reputation, especially after she’s seen my behavior, so there isn’t even anything I can do.

“You don’t want to lose your job, do you?” I mutter quietly. “So, it might be best to keep away.”

“Don’t tell me you’re quoting the rules at me.” Simon rolls his eyes dramatically. “You’re always the one who’s breaking them and you know it.”

He folds his arms across his chest and glares at me. “Is there something going on between you two already? Is that why you want me out of the way?”

“No, not at all.” Shit, my voice was much too snappy then! “I just don’t think you and Louise will suit each other, that’s all. She isn’t as fun as she looks. You won’t like her.”

“Hmm, right, sure.” I can tell that Simon doesn’t believe me, but thankfully he seems prepared to drop it for the time being. “I better get to work with Hector, but I’ll see you later on.”

Between him and my mother I feel all tied up in knots, I don’t know where my head is at. I don’t know where my feelings for Louise lie at the moment and it’s very confusing. I know I like her and I want to talk to her some more, I also know that I’m attracted to her, but could it be more than that? Could I actually feel more for her than any female that’s come before?

No, it can’t be that, I’m sure of it. It’s probably just because I haven’t had her yet and I can’t. The desperation to screw her is driving me nuts. At this point I might just have to do it, just so I can start acting like a normal human again. This is sending me over the edge into insanity! I don’t like feeling so out of control of myself, especially over someone so young and innocent, someone who doesn’t even damn well know what she’s doing to me.

I grab my coffee cup and I take it into my office where I check my appointment list. Serena will be here any moment, and she’s someone who I can also have a bit of fun with if I want to. She doesn’t beg for it like a crazy person in the way that Diane does, she never takes control, but if I make that first move then she’s always prepared to have some fun. Maybe I should, just to get Louise out of my system before I see her today, but I don’t know if I’m in the mood. There’s a bit part of me that wants to wait, to lay off the hooking part today so I can be laser focused for her.

Crap, I must be going mad! I think to myself in a bemused way. This isn’t me at all.

Chapter Ten – Louise

I feel weird stepping into the doctor’s office as a patient rather than one of the staff members, but I don’t have a choice. If I could afford to go anywhere else for treatment then I’d be there in a heart beat, but this is all I’ve got. I need to work out what’s wrong with me. Especially since I’ve been working myself up into a panicked frenzy all day long whilst looking up my symptoms online. I’m pretty convinced that I’m not dying but my situation is completely and utterly horrifying. The more I read about my symptoms, the more convinced I’ve become that it’s something big hanging over my shoulder and wanting to consume me.

“Hey there, Lou,” Julia says with knotted eyebrows. “You here for your appointment?”

“Yep.” I let out a shaky laugh. “I’m here to find out how much time I have left.”

“You are really pale.” She purses out her lips and cocks her head in my direction. “You know what, you should come right through. I don’t think sitting in the waiting room is helpful when you aren’t well. I don’t want you to end up sicker than you already are. Who knows what you’ll catch.”

I nod slowly, mostly because there’s a whole lot of coughing and sniffing going on that I don’t like the sound of. Especially with my condition, I don’t want to get it further deteriorate.

Julia moves out from behind the reception desk and opens the door for me.

I slide through, ignoring all the tutting and the muttered comments as I leave everyone else behind. They don’t realize that I work here because a lot of them haven’t ever seen me, so they think I’m just cutting in line. Well, let them think what they want, I’d rather not sit out there with them, getting sicker by the minute.

“Are you alright?” Julia asks while slinging her arm over my shoulder and looking deep into my eyes as she searches for the truth. “Is there anything I can do to help you while you’re ill?”

Yes! I think I have a disease and I’m scared, I think, but still I’m not ready to say it. Once I’ve had this appointment and I know the truth, then I might speak to Julia about it but until then I want to keep it all inside. I plaster a bright smile on my sick, pale face and nod.

“I’m fine, I’m just looking forward to getting some pills to sort me out, then I can get back to work. I’ve only been away for a couple of days but I miss it already.”

I’m supposed to have been getting on with my college work, but the Internet has distracted me. As soon as I decided to search for what’s wrong with me, I got sucked into a deep confusing pit that I couldn’t extract myself from. Now I’ll have to get back to juggling it with work which is silly really.

“You miss it?” Julia barks out a laugh. “You must be mad. No one misses this place.”

Oliver’s face pops into my brain and my heart yearns for him, but I shut that down after only a second. I cannot think about Oliver now, I can’t get lost in thoughts of his handsome face and his super nice nature, plus the deep shiver he makes me feel deep inside, when I’ve got so much to worry about. I need to push him to the back of my brain and focus only on me. I’m more important right now.

“Yeah well, I do, I suppose I’m mad.” I glance around, trying not to let anyone else see me. “Anyway, get me into the room so I can get this stupid appointment over and done with.”

“Sure, unless you want a coffee first?”

I shake my head, I can’t even think about drinking something at the moment, I’m all dithery and weird.

“Okay, no worries. Let’s go in. You’ll come and see me once your appointment is done, won’t you? I want to know that you’re okay.”

“Sure, sure, yeah I’ll come and see you, no worries. Anything at all.”

Julia points me into a room and I make my way inside so I can wait all by myself. The doctor isn’t here yet which is probably a good thing because it gives me a few moments to gather myself up. I suck in some deep and calming breaths and I pace up and down the unfamiliar room. The deep, sterile whiteness of the room makes me uncomfortable, the green curtain looks clinical and unwelcoming, the doctor’s computer is a hive of information, some of which contains mine. I don’t like being this end of the scale, it’s weird, I feel sorry for all the patients that I’ve ever seen before. They must feel like this every time I or one of the doctor’s see them which I now dislike a lot. I’m going to do whatever I can to make people more comfortable from now on. Anything at all.

This is going to be fine, I try my hardest to convince myself. This will all be over and done with soon enough and I’ll wonder what I was so scared about. I’ll forget all about my fear.

“Hello.”

All of a sudden I hear a voice that makes me spin around in shock. It’s the one person I insisted that I wouldn’t have an appointment with, so he must have seen me coming in.

“Louise.”

“Oliver?” I gush in desperation while flicking my eyes everywhere. “What are you doing here? I have to see a doctor in a moment, you know I have an appointment today…”

“With a gynecologist?” he asks while taking a step closer to me. “What for?”

I cross my arms over my chest and feel my entire body heat up with shame. I really don’t want to have this conversation with him of all people. I shake my head and turn away from him.

As I stare at the white wall in front of me, I answer him sharply. “I have a thing called doctor and patient confidentiality. I don’t have to tell you anything and I really don’t want to.”

“But I’m your doctor.” I can almost feel his body heat zoning in on me. “I’m the person that you’re here to see, so if you want me to examine you then you have to let me know what’s going on.”

I spin back with my eyes wide open with shock.

“What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t book an appointment with you. It’s inappropriate for me to do so since we work together.”

Oliver shrugs and he half smiles at me. “It’s okay if we both agree to it. There aren’t any rules that suggest otherwise.” He reaches forwards and lightly brushes his fingers across my cheek which causes a fluttering sensation in my heart. “And since I’m the best damn doctor here, in this office and probably in the state I don’t know why you’d want to see anyone else.”

I can feel myself melting, but only for a split second. The idea of me letting him see me all exposed, especially when I consider what might be wrong with me, it’s humiliating.

“No, I can’t see you.” I step back, creating some distance between us. “I need to see someone else.”

“There isn’t anyone else available today, so if you don’t take this appointment right now then you’ll have to wait until at least tomorrow.” His chocolaty smooth voice is almost too much, how am I not used to him yet? “And even then, you still might have to see me since I’m the best that there is.”

“That’s fine. I’ll wait.” My stubbornness fights my desperation to find out if the Internet is right. “I don’t need to see you right now. I can wait until I can see someone different, someone that I don’t have to work with every single day.”

I grab my bag and turn to leave. “See you later, Oliver.”

He grabs onto my arm and spins me around to stare at him. “Louise, I can promise you that I’ll be professional, I won’t treat you in any way that I wouldn’t anyone else. Just because we work together, it doesn’t mean that it has to get weird. We don’t ever have to talk about it out of this room. I really am the best of the best and I don’t think you deserve to see any less. I care about you and I want to help you.”

His warm brown eyes are dragging me in, I can’t seem to help myself. As much as I want to pull away I can’t seem to do it. “Please, Louise, let me help you.”

There’s something about his look that makes me want to relent. Mostly, I just want my answers and right now before I spend another night of sending myself insane.

“Do I have to tell you what’s wrong with me?” I ask quietly, already knowing what the answer is going to be. “I don’t really want to. It’s embarrassing.”

“You kinda do,” Oliver chuckles. “Unless you’re here for just a check-up, which I don’t believe you are, then I need to know what I’m looking out for.”

My eyes fill with tears, I hate that I have to do this, but actually there’s a small part of myself that might take satisfaction in telling Oliver all of this. I guess I want him to know that he isn’t the only one who has people attracted to him. Even though the story is a mess and it has a tragic ending, I want Oliver to know that I’m desirable, that I’m someone worthwhile, even just for a quickie at a party. I want to know if he’ll feel like I did when I saw him with his patient. All sick and upset inside.

“Fine,” I sigh loudly. “I had a… erm…” Oh God, this is going to be so much harder than I originally thought it would be. “At Julia’s party the other week I, erm, I…” I close my eyes and hate myself even more. “I had a one night stand and ever since then I haven’t felt good. I just want to check that everything is alright with me.” I say the last part really fast, needing to get it out.

Oliver doesn’t say anything for far too long which forces me to prize my eyes wide open. He doesn’t look as disgusted as I feared, he just looks stunned, like I’ve shocked him to the core.

“At Julia’s party?” he asks quietly, in a grave tone of voice. “A few weeks back?”

I nod. “Yes, then. I guess I got a bit drunk and things went a bit far.” This might be a bit much for Oliver, he doesn’t look like he can handle it. “If that’s too much, I can just wait until tomorrow and see someone else. I know this is horrible.”

I throw my hands into the air, in a distressed gesture. “I never thought I’d be the sort of person to end up in this kind of mess. I can’t believe it.” A stray tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away rapidly. I don’t deserve to cry, I’m the one who got myself in this damn mess. “A moment of madness that I’m now paying for.”

“Who’s the guy?” he asks without looking me in the eye. “You could have been out with me, but you weren’t, so who was the guy?”

That statement is strange, it makes me feel all weird inside. It definitely isn’t appropriate but I feel compelled to answer it anyway. “I don’t know who he is, and nor does Julia. Just someone who wooed me and vanished. Some asshole, which is just my luck.”

As mine and Oliver’s eyes connect I wish I knew what he was thinking but he isn’t giving anything away. His face is blank, and that terrifies me…

Chapter Eleven – Oliver

I cannot believe it, I don’t know what to say. The night that I had a threesome with two random chicks just in an attempt to get over Louise, she wasn’t thinking about me at all. She was having a one night stand and a wonderful carefree night. Maybe she’s being repenting for it now, but so am I. It hurts a lot. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get the image of her and another guy out of my mind forever. It’s already destroying me from the inside.

“So, er… do you want to hop up onto the examination table?” I ask her awkwardly.

“Can you hack it?” she replies with her eyes narrowed. “I honestly can wait.”

“No, it’s fine.” I turn my back to her to get myself sorted out. “I can do this. I wouldn’t want you to have to go through this with someone else. At least we’re friends so it’s less awkward.”

“Less awkward?” she doesn’t sound convinced. “Yeah sure. I’m sure you’re right. So, we’re really going to do this? I’ll just head behind the curtain and take off my underwear then.”

“You know the drill by now,” I reply in a hollow tone of voice.

The thought of her taking her underwear off is a bit much for me right now. Maybe I should have thought about this before I changed where her name was written on that sheet. I haven’t hooked up with anyone all day long, so this is going to be a damn struggle.

“I’ll give you some privacy while you get yourself ready.”

I step out of the room and press my back against the wall while I suck in a couple of deep and calming breaths. This isn’t what I signed up for, I don’t think I should be getting mixed up in this at all. I should have known that mixing business with pleasure was going to end up in all mess and confusing at some point. I couldn’t get away with it forever. I just didn’t think that moment would come now.

Just do this, I warn myself. Act like a normal person, behave like I usually do in the appointments. Or maybe not like I usually do, just in a professional way.

I shake my head rapidly, desperately trying to rid my brain of all the thoughts that are currently cascading through my brain at the speed of light. Louise, some horrible random guy, sweaty, humping, but not in the way that gives her any pleasure whatsoever… it’s not a nice image at all. I hate it. I really want to change it. I want to give her the orgasm that I’m sure she didn’t get with her one night stand. Her first, and probably last, one night stand that she’ll ever have. Louise just isn’t like that at all.

Finally, I turn on my heels and I make my way back inside. Louise is already on the bed with her legs up, waiting for me. As her hair spills over the side of the bed, my heart melts. She looks so damn sexy that it actually hurts me. She draws me in like there’s a powerful magnet between us and the sensation is intoxicating. She turns her head to look at me and gives me an apologetic smile.

“Hi there, Doctor Foxx. I suppose I should call you that now since I’m here in a professional capacity” she says in almost a tortured tone.

“What do you think?”

“No, please call me Oliver still, let’s not make this weird.”

I take some giant strides and I close the gap between us. “Okay, let’s just… let’s just do this.”

My heart thunders in my chest as I get closer to her. I can almost feel the pheromones emanating off her and they’re drawing me in like crazy. I cough awkwardly before I lean down to really look at her. Instantly, I can tell that she doesn’t have anything wrong with her, not in the way that she’s worried about anyway. I’ve done this job for long enough to recognize any abnormal signs instantly, even for the ones that you aren’t supposed to be able to see. I know this girl is fine. Whoever her asshole one night stand was, a guy who clearly didn’t think to use protection because he’s a douche bag, he’s clean so that’s something Louise doesn’t need to feel as bad as she thinks she does because of her error in judgement. I just hope that she learns from it and she doesn’t do it again.

I could pull away, I know I could, but I don’t. Just because she doesn’t have any kind of sexually transmitted disease, it doesn’t mean that she’s getting off this scot free. There still might be some things wrong with her, so I need to examine her completely.

I grab my swabbing equipment to perform the tests I think that she might need. I do it clinically, not thinking about the emotional side of this part, then I dab the swab into the testing liquid to see if anything instantly shows up.

Again, I could pull back and stop now. There isn’t anything else that I can do, but I don’t. I haven’t been this intimate and close to Louise before and somehow, I can’t stop being this near to her.

The gorgeous, feminine scent of her, the slickness of her slit, the sight of her clit, it’s all too much for me. I find myself licking my lips because I’m so desperate to taste her.

I lean in, despite the part of my brain that’s screaming at me not to, and I touch my nose to the wet heat she has there that’s just for me. Of course, I expect her to scream and to push me off of her but she doesn’t. She gets frozen, she lies there still and I see her fingers hooking around the side of the hospital bed until her knuckles turn a funny shade of white. She’s feeling something, that much is for sure.

Next, I press my lips against her, kissing in the most intimate areas which causes her to shudder. The instant buck of her hips suggests to me that she likes this a lot. I hear Louise suck in and hold a breath before a small moan escapes her throat.

“You like this?” I smirk to myself as I whisper. My breath tickles all over her pulsating slit and she shivers.

I’m not supposed to be behaving this way, I really told myself that I wouldn’t, but here I am acting like an out of control animal. That’s just typical of me, I just thought I wanted better for Louise. Still, it’s far too late now. “You want more?”

She doesn’t answer me, but the way that Louise moans when she rolls her hips against me is so intense. I flick my tongue into her and taste her delicious sweet taste. It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted before and I feel absolutely addicted and sucked in by it. I want more, so I grip onto her hips so I can plunge my tongue deeper into her. I want to taste all of her, I want to explore every inch of her with my tongue, and I don’t even want anything back. Usually I only do things like this for the return favor, but for Louise I don’t want any of that. I just want to make her feel good.

As Louise gasps desperately, I pull my mouth away from her core and move up towards her clit where I can trace patterns all over her. I flick my tongue rapidly, I write letters and draw designs, all the while making her buckle and crumble crazily.

“Oh my God.” Louise pulls her hands off the bed and she knots them up in my hair. She grabs me so hard that it hurts a bit, and then she even takes control of the movement of my head. She pushes me up and down, making me move in the way that she likes and actually I don’t mind. It’s quite fun to be controlled when it’s Louise. There’s something about her that makes me like the loss of control. Maybe it’s because she’s so sweet and innocent and I want to corrupt her… but she’s corrupting me right now and it really is a nice surprise. “Oh fuck, Oliver.”

The way that my name rolls off her tongue is so damn sexy it causes my cock to stand to attention in my trousers. I’m so hard right now and I think I might explode, but still I don’t expect anything from her. This definitely isn’t about me, I can sort myself out later with the memory of this fucking hotness to get me going. I strain against my trousers but don’t focus on that feeling. Instead, I slide two fingers into her while I continue to flick my tongue all over her clit.

“Oh my God.” Louise’s breaths become more ragged, her hips struggle against me but I keep her fixed in one place as I move in a way that I just know will send her wild. “Fucking hell!”

Her thighs tense up and I can feel the pressure running through her. She’s getting closer, I move faster and more rapid, I plunge my fingers in and out of her, and soon she shudders violently as the orgasm shatters through her body. She’s loud as she comes, it’s lucky that all of the walls in this place are soundproofed, so the noise is like music to my ears. I love it. It makes me almost painful to keep myself retrained. I’m very close to tearing my clothes off and ploughing into her but I know for a fact that it would be pushing a bit too far. And I know that I’ve already gone too far with all of this.

Eventually, once the pleasure subsides and she lies flat on the bed panting breathlessly, I pull away and stare down at her. She looks drained, but somehow incredibly beautiful. All I want to do is lean down and kiss her on the lips which is something that I normally don’t do with others.

The sensation is strange, I don’t know what to do with it, so I slide across the room at the speed of light and I stare down at her test results, blinking my eyes rapidly. I need to focus to be able to tell her what’s wrong with her, that’s why she’s here after all. Not to be preyed on by me.

I know I should turn, I should probably talk to her about what just happened, but I don’t know what should I say. I don’t usually need to discuss it at all, but since I’ve already had a work mishap, I know that communication is key, especially with someone like Louise.

She’s sweet and nice and doesn’t deserve to be screwed over by someone like me. Damn it, all I wanted to do was give her the pleasure, the orgasm which I’m sure she didn’t get during her one night stand, but now I’m sure that’s a mistake. I should just keep my fantasies to myself. How have I not figured that much yet?

Oh my God… all of a sudden my eyes refocus and I see the results of Louise’s test. I definitely shouldn’t have done that, even more so than before. Shit, now I’m in real trouble.

“What’s going on?” Louise asks quietly from behind me. She sounds a little more alive now, like she’s recovering from the post coital bliss. “Are you okay, Oliver? You look really pale.”

Pale… that’s hardly surprising considering what I just interpret from her test results. I feel like all the color has been drained from my body. I’m almost shaking with anxiety, this is a nightmare. How am I going to tell her what her test results show? It’s going to change absolutely everything…

Chapter Twelve – Louise

I prop myself up onto my very shaky elbows and I look at the back of Oliver’s head. Maybe I should be talking about what just happened, another moment of weakness that cannot lead to anything good, but the weird tension in the room makes me forget about all of that for just this moment. The stress that’s evident in Oliver’s shoulders has me really freaked out. What do the results show? I need to know and now before I dive back down into the I’m about to die hole.

“Oliver, what’s going on?” I ask with a trembling voice. “What happened?”

He turns slowly and looks at me with wide shocked eyes. All the words that I saw on the Internet come flooding back and my heart almost stops dead in my chest. Ice cold terror bolts right through my system. The pleasure that Oliver just gave me, which by the way is the best damn thing that I’ve ever felt in the whole damn world, evaporates and all I feel is a deep seated fear.

“It’s… it’s your results,” he tells me anxiously. “They show… erm, they show…”

“What?” I explode. “Just tell me please. What the fuck is going on?”

Tears fill my eyes. I can barely see anymore. “Will you just tell me, Oliver? This is my life!”

“You’re pregnant.” He nods slowly as I try and process his words.

They don’t make any sense at all. I feel like they’re words that make sense, but not meant for me.

“Yep, that’s the result of your one night stand. You’re having a baby.”

No. I shake my head rapidly and jump down off the bed. No, no, no, no, no.

“I don’t think… that can’t be right,” I insist. “There’s no way I can be… pregnant with Adam. I can’t have Adam’s baby. That might not even be his name, I don’t know the guy at all. I can’t be pregnant. Let me see the test results. I need to see them, to know for myself.”

Oliver doesn’t show me the results that he’s looked at but he moves across the room and grabs a pregnancy test from the drawer and hands it to me. I know these pregnancy tests have the absolute best of the best results, the most accurate on the market. I grab it from him without meeting his eye and I race into the bathroom just off the doctor’s office. My heart thunders in my chest, hammering violently against my rib cage, my lungs squeeze so tightly that I can barely get even the tiniest bit of air inside them however hard I try. My vision is so blurred that I can’t see the instructions at all. Luckily, I know how to do a pregnancy test so I don’t really need them. I just need to take that brave step and actually do it. There isn’t anything holding me back… well, except for me of course.

Just do this, I tell myself. Just to prove Oliver wrong, there’s no way he can be right.

That’s the only thought that spurns me on, the thought of telling him that he’s made a mistake, so I step towards the toilet and I sit down to pee on the dreaded stick. I think about all the girls that I heard having to do this in high school and college, surrounded by their friends while they anxiously find out the results of their idiocy. I always looked on them with a silent judgement, wondering how they could be so dumb, and now I’m way worse than any of them. I’m the one who’s waited until I’m an adult to act like a crazy bitch. At least they had the excuse of being young for their errors.

I pace the tiny toilet cubicle while I wait the long and agonizing moment for the test to reveal itself. This is painful, it’s the longest few seconds of my entire damn life. I don’t know how I’m going to survive it.

The entire time my brain spins desperately as I try to work out who Adam was and what he looked like. Why can’t I remember him that clearly? What the hell is wrong with me? My memories of him are totally fuzzy which is ridiculous. He could be the father of my child and I don’t even know a single thing about him. All I can remember is him telling me that he wanted to get to know me and then him not actually wanting to get to know me at all.

Okay, time to look at the test. I’ve placed it on the back of the toilet while the test reveals itself, which now I’m realizing is a mistake. Because now, I have to pick it back up again to see it.

I step tentatively closer and I extend out my shaking hand. As my fingers curl around the test some vomit rises in my throat that I have to gasp back down so it doesn’t spill out. Not yet, I can’t throw up until I know the truth, just in case Oliver’s right and I’m about to get the terrible, scary news that my one night stand is about to have some very permanent consequences.

Positive… oh fuck. I see the blue cross which can only mean one thing looking back at me. Oliver’s test was right, which I guess I already knew since it’s incredibly accurate. I just had to see it for myself, and now I know. I’m going to have a baby. What the hell am I going to do?

I slump back onto the toilet seat and stare at the test while trying to picture a baby in my arms. Having a child this early on, while I’m still training to be a doctor, on my own while I have absolutely no money to support him or her was never in my life plan. I don’t know if I ever particularly considered having kids, but now I’m really going to have to work it out. I need to figure out what direction my life is headed in, what I’m going to do, and how I’m going to tell everyone…

Shit. I stare at the door and think about Oliver waiting for me on the other side. He knows, he’s the one person who already fully knows the truth, and now I have to face him. We just did… well, what we did on the hospital table, where Oliver looked at me in one way, and then as soon as he saw the results his expression changed completely. He looked at me like I’m a stranger to him and I don’t like the way that feels at all. He doesn’t trust me anymore, he doesn’t think I’m smart and unique anymore. He probably just sees me as another dumb bitch who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

I push out the door and I race out the room, shoving Oliver out the way as I go. I know I’m acting like a crazy person but there’s an odd rest mist in front of my eyes and with my heart thumping in my ears I don’t know how I’m supposed to behave. I just want to get out of this place and deal with this shit all by myself, I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. Least of all him.

“Louise!” a voice calls out from behind me. Because it isn’t Oliver I stop in my tracks. I go against everything that I’ve just thought and I wait. “Lou, what’s going on?”

I turn slowly and look at Julia. She spots the wetness on my cheeks and she pulls me into a small room where we can have a private conversation. It seems like she’s already planned for this exact moment to happen. She opens up her arms and I fall into them happily, needing her embrace.

“Oh, Lou.” She strokes my hair in a caring gesture. “What’s going on? Is it bad? Really bad?”

I do need to get some of this off my chest and I might not have known Julia for a long time but she’s the best friend that I’ve ever had in my entire life. I need her support right now.

“I’m pregnant,” I mutter into her chest. “I’m having a baby with a man that I don’t know.”

“What?” Julia pulls back to look me in the eyes.

I can see pure shock in her expression. It looks like she didn’t expect this just as much as I did. “You’re having a baby with Oliver?”

“Oliver?” I shake my head rapidly. “No, not Oliver. Why would you say Oliver?”

She shrugs her shoulders and her cheeks go a little red. “Oh I don’t know. I just thought that you guys had a thing. There’s a lot of chemistry between you two that I thought you haven’t yet told me.”

I cannot even begin to deal with that right now. I shake my head again and tell her the truth. The truth that I should have told her in the beginning. “No, with Adam.” I cringe as the words fly out of my mouth. “I should have told you, but I had sex with him. I’m embarrassed and I don’t know why.”

“Oh, honey.” Julia grabs me in for yet another hug. “We’ve all screwed guys that we’ve regretted before. It’s just one of those things. You think I haven’t made a mistake in my life? I’ve made plenty. You don’t ever have to be embarrassed when it comes to me.”

I let out a little giggle, trying my hardest to lighten the atmosphere. “Oh thank you, Julia. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thank you for listening…”

“So what are you going to do?” Her question reminds me of the actual problem I’m facing right now, which isn’t that I need to reveal all of my secrets. “About the baby, I mean?”

I pause for a moment and let my brain reel over all of this. Nope, still nothing useful comes to mind. Not yet. “I don’t know yet, that’s kind of what I need to figure out. Right now, I need to get the hell out of here so I can be at home and work that much out. I just ran out on Oliver after I found out the news and I really don’t want to see him right now.”

“Ah, because you like him.” Julia nods knowingly. “Of course, you don’t want to face him.”

“No, not because I like him… just because I have to work with him, It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Wait a minute.” She holds up her hands to stop me. “You just got examined by him? That’s how he knows, right? Is that a bit weird? Isn’t there someone else you could have seen…”

“I know all of that.” I cannot deal with any of this right now. “Yes, it’s weird.” I’m not going to tell her just how weird, this isn’t the time or place for that. While secrets haven’t gotten me far up until this point, I can’t unload everything all at once. There’s only so much that Julia can take. “But that’s unimportant. Right now, I just need to get home, that’s all I can think about.”

“Of course. I’ll help you.” Julia moves towards the door and I follow her closely. “I’ll get you out of here, then you go home. I’ll have to stay here for the rest of the day, but I’ll come and see you later when I finish, okay? This isn’t something you should have to go through alone.”

My heart heats up, I feel overwhelmed by her kind gesture. “Thank you, Julia. That honestly means the world to me. You’re such a good person. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well you don’t have to worry about that,” Julia smiles at me. “I’m your friend now, I’m always going to be here. You aren’t alone at all.”

Chapter Thirteen – Oliver

I’m surprised as I see Louise in her work uniform the following morning, standing in the office as if nothing has happened at all. To be honest, with everything that happened yesterday I never thought I would see her again. As she ran from my room at the speed of light, I regretted everything. If only I’d let her see the doctor she originally booked in with, if only I hadn’t allowed myself to get lured in, if we hadn’t fooled around then everything could just be normal. I could be the friend I should be.

“Louise?” I ask her in a shocked tone. “What are you doing here?”

She straightens out her face but I can still see all the stress there, balled up behind her eyes. “I’m feeling much better now, so I’m here to work. I thought I had a bug but since I don’t, I don’t see any reason to keep away from working. I don’t want to get far behind with my studies anyway.”

“Right.” I drop all my files on my desk and give her a curious look. “Of course. But you are incredibly smart. I don’t see any harm in you having more time off. You’ll catch up easy.”

The façade breaks, but only for a moment. “No, I would much rather be here where I can keep myself busy and distracted. Plus, all my friends are here with me. I have Julia on the reception desk who I can speak to while I’m here. If I’m at home I’m completely alone.”

“I see…” I don’t know what I’m allowed to say and whether she prefers me to keep quiet. I need to test the boundaries a bit. “Well if there’s anything you wish to talk about.”

Her green eyes fix on me and I’m sad to see the sparkle gone. She definitely isn’t okay about this but she’s doing what she can to make it okay for now. I have to admire her, she’s gone from completely falling apart yesterday to standing here with her back stiff and her expression stoic.

“I’m okay,” she insists. “Thank you. But I just want to keep things professional, I just want to work. While I’m here, I don’t want to worry about anything else.”

“Sure.” I respect her wishes, and I understand that it’s probably for the best. “Whatever you need. You just do what you need to, and you know what? Why don’t you take the lead on some of the appointments today? I’ll be here with you, but you’ll be in charge. I know that you’re capable.”

“Oh my goodness, really?” She clutches her hands to her chest, seemingly in complete and utter shock. “Are you serious? That would be amazing, thank you, Oliver.”

As I see a spark of something other than tragic sadness on her face, I know for sure that I’ve done the right thing. Anything to take Louise’s mind off her problems while she progresses her career seems fine by me. She’s clearly ambitious and wants to go far, so having something positive to work towards is what she needs. Maybe, in all of this, we’ll have to just forget about that moment of madness we shared. It feels a bit empty to consider it as a dirty little secret, but I’m sure it’ll never be mentioned or talked about again. Louise probably just wants to forget that it ever happened.

The first patient comes in and I step back to give Louise the lead. I have to be here to do certain things, we can’t allow the trainees to do everything, but she’s good. She’s calm, considered, and very controlled. She’ll make an excellent gynaecologist one day… much better than me. I might be the best of the best, but I’ve always allowed distractions get to me. Not Louise, she’s much better than that.

As I watch Louise work, she’s at her happiest. It’s almost as if all the problems in the world simply melt off her shoulders and she gives herself over to the patient completely. She forgets about herself and becomes a tool, ready to be used in whatever way she’s needed. But once the patient leaves the room and she’s left with only her thoughts for company, I can see that intense sadness cloud her once more. That breaks my heart, and it also makes me regret every single one night stand that I’ve ever had before in my life. I’ve never stuck around for long enough to see the after effects of what I’ve caused. Of course, I’ve also never been stupid enough not to use protection, so it’s a little different, but the emotional damage is the same. I feel awful, and it makes me wonder how many hearts I’ve broken in the past. I hope it isn’t many, but I’m sure it is. I can trick myself into believing that it’s fine because I’m always upfront in the first place, but I don’t know whether it is completely correct. I’m sure there are still some scars.

I can’t make up for my past mistakes now, in a lot of cases far too much time has passed, but I can take care of Louise. I can be the friend that I was always supposed to be.

***

“What do you have planned for now?” The words burst free from me the moment the last patient for the day leaves.

I’ve been waiting all day long to ask this, which is probably why I sound so desperate now. “I mean… do you have anything going on after work? Plans with Julia?”

“Erm, no.” Louise shakes her head at me. “No, I don’t have anything planned. Just a night in studying, maybe have a bubble bath and read a book. Nothing terribly exciting.”

That all sounds much too lonely, which I know she wants to avoid. That gives me an in.

“Did you want to go out for a drink?” Shit, that sounded too date like, I need to get better at making my intentions crystal clear, especially when they’re innocent! “Like, as friends? Just for a chat? You’ve done such good work today and I thought you might want to go over it…”

“Oh.” Her face lights up in recognition. “Is this where you and the other fully fledged doctors go out for drinks? Are you offering me for a third time because I can’t turn you down again!”

She lets out a little laugh, but that only makes me feel horribly guilty. This isn’t like that at all, this is me wanting to get some alone time with her so maybe we can talk about some real stuff. I get that she doesn’t want to talk about it in the office, but maybe in a more relaxed environment we can get the flow of communication up and running between us again. We both need that.

“Erm, no, I was thinking more a one on one thing. So, you could ask me anything…”

Urgh, my excuse is so shitty, no wonder Louise is looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head. My stomach churns with embarrassment as I cringe deeply. I need to reel it in and take back my offer…

“I would like that,” she stuns me by replying. “Yeah, I’ve had a huge day today, there are some things that I would like to go over with you. That sounds awesome.”

Warm relief floods me as she accepts. There’s hope now, a chance that we can clear the air and make things right. I grab my car keys and smile at her, before indicating towards the door. We walk in silence through the building and to my car, and I notice Louise has her eyes fixed on the ground the entire time, She probably feels like everyone is watching her, wondering what she’s doing coming to my car with me, and to be honest I feel a bit like that as well. I can almost feel all the judging gazes prickling all over my body. Especially from the people who know my past. But this isn’t like that, this is something completely different. For once, it’s innocent and I feel good about that.

“This is a nice car.” Louise breaks the silence as she slides into the passenger’s leather, heated seat which is more comfortable than a couch. “It must have cost you a fortune.”

“Yeah, I suppose it did.” I smirk as I flick the engine to life. “But it’s totally worth it. I love the comforts and luxuries in it. I’m not usually so flash, but I like to have a few nice things.”

I keep my mouth shut about my home, which is almost mansion size in this city. Okay, so it’s far too big for one person but I like it. I’ve earned my money by working my damn ass off, I think I deserve to have some nice things. I do give to charity as well, so it’s not like I’m terrible.

“I would too, if I could afford it,” Louise weakly smiles back at me. “Maybe once I finish medical school and I’m a full-fledged doctor too, I’ll be able to…”

At that moment, she glances down at her stomach and I know why. She’s wondering how the hell she can have it all; a baby, a career, with no money and no support. As a rush of sadness washes over me all I want to do is offer her a decent sum of cash to help her out, but I know that’s inappropriate and it’ll make me look like an asshole. Plus, it’ll only be a band aid, it won’t fix the problem completely. There isn’t really anything I can do for that, it’s the responsibility of the mystery man.

“Yeah. I’m sure you’ll find a way,” I try my best to reassure her. “It’ll be fine.”

Louise doesn’t answer me, her eyes fixed on the window instead, meaning we make the rest of the drive in silence. I flick the radio on and fill the car with a slow pop song, but it doesn’t do anything to shake away the tension. I focus my attention on moving the car forward until we get far away from the hospital to go for our drink. I know the place where I can go for a more intimate time without running the risk of being disturbed by work colleagues. I don’t think is a secret for either of us but I’m sure none of us want to be interrupted. Especially if the conversation teeters into more sensitive areas. If Louise wants to tell me something private, I want to be able to just hear it.

“Right, here we are,” I declare in a gravelly voice as I pull up outside. As the car shuts down and the engine stops roaring, the silence becomes even more apparent. “Are you okay? Do you still want to do this? If you are not comfortable I can turn around and take you back home…”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Louise unclips her seatbelt and grins at me. “I don’t want to be at home just yet. I need a drink after that long ass day. I just wish it could be an alcoholic one…”

As she slides out the car I decide that I’m going to broach the subject of her baby once the time is right. Since she’s sort of mentioned it herself I feel like she’s opening up the gauge for me to do so. I really hope that I’m right, I don’t want to make a mess of things again. I don’t want to push Louise away, just when I feel like I’m getting her back. I’m desperate to keep her in my life, it’s like I’m addicted to her. She’s my drug and I need my fix. Maybe this isn’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m growing, becoming a better, more well known person. Growing up, matching my age.

Well, either that or I’m just obsessed with her because she’s even more out of bounds now. Either way, I don’t want to let her go just yet.

Chapter Fourteen – Louise

I don’t know what I’m doing here in this strange bar with Oliver, I really don’t. I told myself, and Julia when she came around to hang out with me last night, that I would get back to normal for the time being. That I was just going to act like I always did while I got used to the idea of being pregnant… and seems like already I’m breaking this. It’s almost like a date with Oliver, which is strange. It’s weird because of the unspoken oral sex that happened between us, and also because of my baby.

I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it’s happening now. I might as well get used to it.

“Here you are,” Oliver declares with a smile while he settles two identical looking glasses down. “Two orange juices. Just what we need after a long day in the office.”

“You can drink alcohol, you know?” I chuckle as I grab up my glass to take a long, cool swig from it. “You don’t have to restrict yourself because of me. I don’t mind, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I’m driving anyway, so it’s fine.” He shrugs and sips. “Plus, I like OJ.”

“Fair enough. Let’s cheers then.” I don’t know why I’m acting so giddy and foolish, I suppose it’s the fact that I’ve been allowed to do some pretty awesome stuff at work today. I’ve been trusted, which feels nice. Especially at a time when I’ve very much proven that I can barely trust myself. We clink our glasses together and call out ‘cheers’, acting like two crazy college kids. In reality, I’m a very sensible trainee doctor and Oliver is potentially old enough to be my father… if he had me at seventeen or eighteen years old. He’s handsome for his age, strikingly so, but there’s no denying the giant age gap between us. I’m sure no one could know that it isn’t all innocent…

No, stop it. I drag my eyes away quickly. I have another man’s baby inside me. I can’t think about Oliver as a sexy man who’d old enough to be my dad, but I still fancy the hell out of. It’s wrong.

“So, is there really anything you want to ask me about today?” Oliver asks while placing his glass back on the table. “Or did you just want to get out? You seemed to have it very much under control all day long so I doubt there’s anything you can teach me.”

His words have so many layers. I’m sure there are plenty of things he could teach me that aren’t anything to do with work… oh my God, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my mind out the gutter now that I’m alone with Oliver? It must be my hormones, I don’t know what else it could be. Yes, I was attracted to him long before I fell pregnant, but this is off the scale.

“I don’t think there is, to be honest.” I pause to think but nothing instantly comes to my mind. I think I’ve got it. “Do you have any comments for me? You were watching me all day long.”

“I do have something to say, but it isn’t anything work related. Is that okay? I don’t want to overstep any boundary here. I know that’s something we’re trying to establish.”

Instantly my core pulses hard as I remember the sensation of his mouth pressed against me. It isn’t something that I’ve been able to think of a lot since I got the baby related news afterwards, but now I can’t think of anything else. For boundary related reasons, I know I should turn him down, but there’s a need too deep inside of me that I can’t seem to ignore. It threatens to drive me insane.

“Sure,” I rasp while inadvertently leaning in towards him. “Whatever you want to ask, please ask.”

He bites down his bottom lip and flicks his eyes downwards. The butterflies that flap away in my stomach turn into giant birds, my heart dances, my tummy churns, I feel all mixed up and desperate as I wait for him to put me out of my misery… something that he takes far too long to do.

“It’s about your baby.” Oh. Everything settles with a thump. This is going to be something serious, not sexy and exciting, which is probably for the best to be fair. “What are you going to do?”

Urgh, that question. The what am I going to do question that I can barely stand. Julia kept asking it last night, and I know what she thinks I should do but it really isn’t that straightforward for me. There are complications in my life that I haven’t shared with anyone and to be honest I didn’t think I would have to. It’s a part of my life that I left far behind me and I didn’t want to have to go back to. I certainly didn’t think that it would be something like this sending me flying right back into it. I look up at Oliver, wondering how desperately he needs to know, and it’s written all over his face.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’d give this man absolutely anything.

“I won’t have an abortion,” I told him quietly and honestly. “I can’t. It just isn’t possible…”

“Oh well I understand that.” Oliver reaches across the table and he cups my hand. “Many people are against it, and that’s something that I respect.”

“No, no, it isn’t that.” I snatch my hand away while I explain. I can’t have anything distracting me while I reveal my past pain. “It’s not that I’m against it, I’m pro choice. I know that every situation is different and that everyone has to do what they have to do. There are some situations where it’s the only logical solution, I’m not here to judge. Not for one second.”

“Okay,” Oliver drawls, sounding suitably confused. “I understand…”

“It’s my mom,” I blurt out, accidently interrupting him. “She… she had an abortion and it killed her.” I suck in a few deep breaths and stare uncomfortably into my glass. I can’t see Oliver’s reaction, I don’t want his pity. “It was only me and mom, I never had a father around. I don’t know who he is at all.” The situation is too familiar, it actually hurts to think I might be repeating that cycle. “But despite all of that I was never close to Mom. I think we just existed on different wave lengths. Maybe I reminded her too much of my dad, I don’t know.” I shrug helplessly, fully knowing that I’ll never get my answers. “Anyway, that’s why I always focused so hard on my studies. I loved getting good grades and bumping up the classes, it made me feel really good about myself. I focused on that so I didn’t have to worry about the isolation I felt at home… which only led to more isolation..”

I pause for a moment to take a sip of my drink as the emotion starts to get to me. I want to look up at Oliver, to see how he feels about me after all of the sudden unloading that I did, but I can’t seem to do it just yet. I need to get the rest out and I know he isn’t expecting that.

“It was good when she started dating Derek when I hit fifteen years old but only for a while, maybe about a year actually or a little longer. They were happy for a while until the arguments started up.”

“It’s okay.” Oliver takes my hand again as he sees how much I’m struggling with it. “I understand, you haven’t had it easy, I don’t expect you to tell me all of this.”

But I can’t stop now, the flood gates have opened. “Derek left and my mom fell apart. I’ve never seen depression hit someone so hard. She just became this shell of her former self, never moving off the couch or doing anything. She didn’t wash or dress or move hardly. It was a miracle she kept on going for so long. Maybe…” I sigh, hating myself all over again. “Maybe if I’d understood what I was dealing with better I could have helped her, but I was young. I felt frustrated and overwhelmed so I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I just kept on going.”

Finally, I force my eyes up and I can see the sympathy there in Oliver’s brown, warm eyes. I already know that he’ll never see me the same way again. I suppose it’s good that I’ve already destroyed his perception of me with the pregnancy because this doesn’t hurt quite as much.

“And then Mom found out that she was pregnant. It took her a little while to notice because she was such a mess, and I suppose I thought she was happy when she told me. I thought that she had a connection to Derek that could drag her back up and give her life a purpose again, but it didn’t quite work out like that. Instead she fell apart even more. She crumbled.” I shake my head at myself as a tear falls down. I shouldn’t still be so upset about this now, it’s crazy. “I didn’t even know that she was going for an abortion, not until afterwards when she told me in this really calm, clinical way.”

In my mind, I can still see this moment happening, like a vicious cycle that I can’t escape from. Obviously, she thought that she couldn’t cope with the memory of Derek and the pressure of raising a child alone again – which is something that I can only relate to properly, now that I’m going through a similar situation – so she decided to get rid of the issue. Only that didn’t help.

“I guess that sent her around the bend and she couldn’t cope with what she did. I erm, I got home from school one day to find her suicide note. She explained her guilt and said that she didn’t want to add to that by leaving her body for me to find. Instead she wanted to throw herself off a cliff somewhere.” The gut wrenching sensation of finding that letter crushes me even today. It makes me feel helpless and useless. I should have known, I should’ve done something. “No one ever found her body so I didn’t even get to say goodbye properly… but I can’t get rid of my baby knowing what it did to my mom. I’m not her, I won’t behave like her, but still I can’t risk it.”

I don’t tell Oliver this part, but there’s a bit of me that hopes Mom just started another life somewhere. That she decided not to kill herself and she simply shook off her identity and restarted somewhere else, somewhere that makes her happier. She wasn’t ever happy being a mother, I can see that now, so I hope she didn’t waste all her life for me. I want her to be there, somewhere, living her life to the fullest. When things get really tough, sometimes I picture where she might be. It’s always a different scenario, but every single time she’s finally happy and at peace.

“Louise, just know that I am here for you,” Oliver replies gravely. “If you give the baby up for adoption, I will help you. If you keep your child, I’ll support you.”

“But why?” I feel compelled to ask him. “It isn’t your responsibility.” I kind of wish it was. If this baby was Oliver’s I think things would be so much easier, but that’s impossible.

“Because I’m your friend and that’s what friends do. Just trust me, you are absolutely not alone in this, okay?”

As I gaze up into his warm eyes, I feel my feelings for him deepen. I’m torturing myself, I know that but I can’t seem to stop myself. I can’t pull away from him, even if I want to. He’s just so amazing.

“Thank you, Oliver,” I reply quietly. “That means the world to me. You have no idea how good it feels to not be in this alone.”

Chapter Fifteen – Oliver

As Louise enters the room I feel my heart skip an odd beat, just like it does every single time I see her. I’m good at disguising for now, pretending it isn’t happening on the outside, but there’s no doubt it’s messing me up a bit on the inside. Still, just as I have done every single day for the last few months, I remind myself how lucky I am to have her as a friend. It’s getting easier every single day and the last thing I want to do is mess it up. I gulp down my emotions and I force a smile on my face.