If I could take back that night at the diner, I would. I would especially take back the part where I gave Hunter my phone number in case he wanted to talk. I want nothing more than to talk to him, but I’m afraid I will say too much and end up causing more pain. That is not something I want to do. Or so I thought. It’s been weeks since the night I revealed myself to him, and Hunter has relentlessly tried to get in touch with me every day since then.

I have spent so many minutes and hours thinking about Hunter, his reactions, his intense emotions, and the connection I felt between us that night. It was like I was a messenger for Ellie. Regardless of his incessant pleas to talk, I can’t help but think all he wants is more answers, ones I cannot and should not give him. The pleads on the voicemails are breaking this heart and, I’m falling to pieces with guilt at the same time.

With a weakness settling in, I stop fighting him off, and I decide to answer his latest text message, agreeing to talk to him even though I am positive this is a bad idea.

Even in a snow storm, Hunter is quick to take the opportunity to speak with me. He meets me at the shop and shovels his way inside, which I’m a little thankful for since I wasn’t looking forward to digging my way out of this place tonight, especially with the shortness of breath I’ve been dealing with lately.

Our confrontation isn’t as heated as I thought it might be after ignoring so many of his calls and messages. Instead, his attention is focused on the shop and a smile quickly finds his lips, which I should not be looking at like I am. This is Ellie’s husband. Is her heart fluttering so hard because she knows he’s here? Or is it because I feel attached to this man in a way I shouldn’t?

“Ellie would have loved it here,” Hunter says. I’m at this shop because of Ellie, but I’m sure he doesn’t know that. Her passion beyond teaching was flowers, and this was how I could thank her for my life. This shop was one way I could memorialize her.

More small talk fills the air, but it’s like the words are swirling above our heads while I try to figure out the look in Hunter’s eyes. He’s focused on me like I’m about to tell him everything he wants to hear; yet, the words have stopped and the silence is heavy. Hunter, why are you looking at me that way? He shouldn’t be looking at me like this? I shouldn’t be looking back at him the same way. Ellie was my friend. She was in love with Hunter and Hunter was in love with her. Now Hunter’s heart is broken, and I have Ellie’s heart. Their hearts were always supposed to be together. Could that be the pull I feel? It doesn’t make sense, but what sense could it make? How could I even know what is supposed to happen or what’s “normal” in a rare situation like this.

Before I can conjure another thought, Hunter’s lips are on mine. For only a split second, I consider pushing him off of me, but Ellie’s heart is dancing in my chest, and it’s beating to a rhythm I’ve never felt before. It’s like she’s living inside of this heart, and I would be cruel to stop the feeling. She is the tie between us, and I allow his lips to continue exploring mine until the feeling subsides and our lips part. The soul connection and reaction between us has broken, and now I’m left with remorse and confusion. Ellie’s heart is yearning for more, and my brain is telling me this is so entirely wrong for too many reasons, one of those reasons being that Hunter mentioned having a girlfriend during our conversation at the gardens. I would never want to be the cause of anyone’s pain if he still was and right now I would be partially responsible for it.

Babble spills from my mouth in response to what just happened, and the first words I can recognize from my own lips are, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” That should stop all of this right away.

“No,” he says. Hunter is quick to tell me that isn’t the case anymore. He’s also quick to tell me how much confusion I’ve added to his life.

“Why did you kiss me if I’m adding confusion to your life?” I ask.

His response is so simple, almost too simple when he says, “I wanted to.”

The more seconds that pass, the more I realize this isn’t right. “I don’t think you want to get involved with me, Hunter.” Is that what this even is? Him getting involved with me? I can’t be silly enough to think it’s purely because of me. It’s because of Ellie…her heart.

“Why?” he asks with pain. I want to tell him his feelings must be confusing because of the heart in my chest. I can understand that. I would want to be near her heart too if I were him. “Why?” His question repeats with more haste this time since I didn’t respond to him a minute ago.

I surprise myself when I speak out an answer I had not considered. “I’d fall for you.” I don’t fall for men. I don’t enter into relationships or friendships with men. So why am I falling for the one man I should never fall for? Especially if there is a women out there who could give him a future. He should have stayed with her. I will end up hurting him, and the thought of hurting him, of all people in this world, hurts me, telling me I should run away and refuse to ever talk to him again. Except, he came here for a truth I was going to refuse to give him. Now, I feel I owe it to him.

Ellie’s secret pours from my mouth, and I feel her heart break with every word I speak. I tell him how Ellie knew she was not likely to survive childbirth. I tell him about the aneurysm she hid from him, and how it was caused by an accident they were in at seventeen. I tell him why I can understand her reason for keeping this information secret. Through all of the pain I knowingly just caused Hunter, and most likely Ellie’s soul, he’s still looking at me like I’m something more than just the heart he loves. It’s like his heart has shattered so much that it doesn’t know how to recover, and his feelings are erratic and out of place. How can he be so hurt and yet so enamored by me at the same time? It’s like a hurricane of emotions, moving through the waves of remorse, despair, hope, and need. Except, it looks like one of those emotions is winning out, because he’s looking at me like he needs me.

I can’t fill that role in his life.

Now, he wants the truth about why I can’t get involved with him. He wants to know why I would even hint toward that. I can give him a million reasons, the most important being that we were both connected to Ellie. Though, while that is the most important reason, the second most important reason has nothing to do with Ellie, and I don’t feel as guilty keeping that reason a secret. “We all have our secrets, Hunter. Mine is my reason for everything.”

I would think my words would come across clear, but he seems more confused, and I feel the same as I see his eyes darken as if a cloud were bearing low over our heads. Suddenly, Hunter’s fingers are weaving through my hair, and before I can think of the reason I should be stopping this, I’m kissing him back. His hand is on my chest, feeling the other side of the heart I’m feeling. It’s talking to both of us, encouraging the momentum to continue, and it does as his tongue twists around mine. His actions cause a wild sensation to blaze through me, and like a wildfire, I feel so out of control right now I don’t know whether to stop this or make it continue. My thoughts are blurry, and I realize I have never been kissed like this. I don’t think Hunter knows that, and I’m sure he would be surprised, especially at my age, but I’ve spent my life being sick, not being sought after, or appealing to anyone. This is what I have refused to endure—the feelings I will not be able to forget and the emotions I will not be able to ignore.

It’s like Ellie brought us together, but would she have done that if she knew my destiny was not as long as we hoped it would be?

When he pulls away, my lips are both tingling and numb at the same time. Enchanted by the sensation he left behind, I feel the need to touch them.

Regardless of our connection, we hardly know each other, but I have to wonder if that connection is all it takes to create this chemistry I can’t ignore. “What do you feel?” I ask him. I have to know.

“Your heart,” he tells me quickly.

“And I feel her heart,” I reply. Whether there is chemistry or not, I refuse to deny the truth of… “You're in love with this heart, that’s all this is.”

“Ari, that’s ridiculous,” he says.

“The flowers, the scents, the truths, this heart—it’s her, not me, Hunter. You don’t know me.”

As if it were his last playing card, he mentions the letters…the letters I sent to him over the past five years. He gives me the reason I couldn’t come up with on my own. “I do know you. I know every word you have written to me over the past five years.”

It’s hard to argue with his reasoning. I can’t be naive enough to think he wants to be with me for reasons other than Ellie’s heart. I see a need he has and that’s to be near this heart that beats inside me. Even when I tell him again how wrong I am for him and how I will never be a part of his future, his pursuit is as strong as ever, and he seems eager to prove me wrong.

A relationship is not the same when you’ve taken a heart that once belonged to the man you’re with. Even through all of my guilt, my attachment and connection with Hunter has done nothing but grow. Every day that passes, he spends the time making this heart in my chest beat the way I think it must have once beat. We both feel things for each other because of this heart and it’s hard to deny it the compassion it deserves.

For weeks, Hunter has spent time with me at the flower shop, learning everything there is to know about me. All the while, I have done my best to keep this heart and mind connected, and in check at all times. This relationship is for both of us, so he can spend the time with the woman who owns a piece of his wife, and so I can feel as though I’m doing justice for her heart. It is the most bizarre situation I could have ever imagined happening to me, but at the same time, I feel like I’m doing something so incredible. The distractions we’ve built have made me forget about my self-pity and lack of self-worth while I focus on him and the happiness I feel like I have given him and he has given me. He’s an amazing man, and he has given me hope for a future I just might have.

Though, as I’ve learned too many times before, hope can only take me so far…