Dear Shelia,

It was a dark and stormy night…

Today was a clusterhump of epic proportions. My baby, Samuel adores Satan and begged to play in the office while we worked. Actually he didn’t have to beg at all—all my son has to do is smile at me and I’m putty in his little hands. I’m fairly sure my child will have to attend at least twenty years of therapy because of the time spent with Uncle Fucker today. And that will be tacked on to the forty or so he’ll have to endure due to my potty mouth—which I’m working on.

However, Satan should not be allowed around children. Ever.

It went a little something like this…

“So Sammy,” Satan said as he hugged my beautiful blond baby with delight. “Have you been a good boy or a bad boy?”

“Me be baaaaddddd,” Samuel yelled as he pulled on the Devil’s hair and pressed wet baby kisses all over his face.

“That’s my boy,” Lucifer said proudly. “Today in your honor, Sammy, I will talk about children things.”

“Umm,” I said as my stomach began to churn. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“I thought I’d talk about Disney,” Satan replied so innocently, my eyes narrowed to slits.

“For every bad move you make, I will zap your ass and you’ll owe me a favor,” I warned.

“Me wove Disney movies!” Samuel announced in his outdoor voice. “Me wove Wion King the best.”

“You’re driving a very hard bargain, my lovely niece,” Satan said with a put upon sigh as he bounced my happily squealing son on his knee.

“Me like Fwozen and Beauty and the Beast and Jungle Book and Wiwo and Stitch and…”

“Did you know that crazy whacked out bastard Walt Disney was an opium addict?” Satan said with raised brows and a wide grin.

Without even looking up from the laptop, I waved my hand and zapped a huge hole in the backside of Satan’s custom Armani pants.

“What the Hell?” Satan bellowed as he swatted at his flaming butt.

“Ohhhhhh,” Samuel shouted, laughing and clapping his chunky little hands. “Dat’s gotta hurt.”

“That’s one favor,” I told Satan with a smile.

“Fine,” he huffed indignantly. “But I was telling the truth—for once. What just happened here is a fine example why one should lie—all the time. Remember that Sammy, the truth is for dumbasses and suckers.”

“Dumbasses and suckers!” Samuel shouted as I flicked my fingers and blasted my uncle—again.

The Devil danced around the room shooting me looks that should have scared me to death. They didn’t. They made me laugh.

“Keep it PG,” I warned as Satan gathered himself and went back to his favorite little boy in the world.

“I don’t even know what PG means,” he griped with an enormous eye roll.

“No bad words. No drug references,” I shot back.

Satan had a few choice words for me under his breath, but if I couldn’t hear him with my undead bionic hearing, I knew Samuel couldn’t either. I gave him a pass.

I watched with amusement as Satan wracked his brain to come up with conversation that wouldn’t result in incineration.

“Tinky Winky is gay,” he whispered to my boy with an evil little smirk.

I heard him. I zapped him.

“Damn it,” he grumbled as he waved his hand and put out the rear end inferno I’d gifted him with. “That was in the news for the love of everything evil.”

“Don’t care,” I told him with my hand poised to fry another hole in his butt.

“Wanna watch a movie with me, Uncle Wucifer?” Sammy asked, gently patting his great-uncle’s face.

“What other movies do you like, Sammy?” Satan asked carefully, moving across the room so my blasting aim would be hindered.

He clearly thought he’d just won. I was reserving my judgment…

“Me wike Pee-wee’s Big Adventure,” Samuel replied.

I just closed my eyes, groaned and waited.

Satan didn’t disappoint.

“Pee-wee got in some big trouble playing with his peepee-weewee at the movieeeees,” Satan said as he quickly sat Samuel down and then dove behind the couch.

The Devil was fast, but I’m a mom and I was faster. Moms are freakin’ super heroes with eyes in the back of their heads and speed that rivals a tsunami. It also helped that I’m a Vamp.

With a flick of my wrist, I zapped his ass so hard he squealed like a freakin’ girl and then spewed off a litany of swear words that earned him six more butt blasts. His suit looked like he’d been in a war zone.

“Have you had enough?” I asked politely as I scooped Samuel up and gave him a kiss on his chubby pink cheek.

“Yesssss,” Satan hissed, doing his best to look dignified after being electrocuted—he failed. “I think Sammy needs to take a nap. Right?”

Laughing, I nodded. “Yep. It’s time for his nap. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

And you know what, Shelia? When I got back, Uncle Fucker was gone. The office was empty. Pure bliss.

I was pretty sure the Devil was appalled that he now owed me ten favors and I’d burnt his suit to a crisp. Well, too bad so sad. I’m the only one allowed to give my son reasons to attend therapy later in life.

Hope you have a lovely evening. I’m going to watch Wion King with my favorite little boy.

xoxo Astrid