I don’t remember what happened.

I could remember leaving the store and being happy and excited for Christmas. The gift of the Christmas angel was an unexpected surprise, and I could remember feeling positive and looking forward to spending Christmas with Gary and Kat.

I could remember walking farther on with Kat when Gary had run back into the store to get his wallet, and we got around the corner and Kat was telling me where she was going to put the Christmas decorations.

And then everything went hazy. There was noise and fear. Like I somehow just transported back to Vietnam. The city of San Francisco disappeared around me, and I was back in a jungle, and there was a barking M16 and Jackson was on the radio yelling for an air raid, and there was the smell of blood and gunpowder. And screaming. So much screaming.

And then there was silence and the darkness, and when the haze cleared in my mind, I was back in the apartment, in Gary’s bed.

My leg hurt like it was a fresh wound. I had a blinding headache. I felt nauseous. My heart felt too heavy for my chest. My lungs felt too small. Tears burned in my eyes, someone far away squeezed my hand, and when the darkness came, I went with it willingly.

When I woke up, the first thing I saw was the gold Christmas angel ornament. She now stood on the bedside table, her wings outstretched, watching over me.

“Hey,” a soft voice said beside me. Gentle fingers found my hair, and when I looked at Gary, he smiled. “How you feeling?”

“Awful.” My voice cracked. “My leg…”

Gary nodded. “You were crouching down, trying to make yourself smaller. I think you might have put some pressure on your injury, stretched it.”

“I was?”

He nodded. “You don’t remember?”

I shook my head and put my hands to my forehead. “My head aches.”

“Want me to take a look at your leg? I can change the dressing for you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t have to. I want to. I want to look after you.”

“I’m sorry,” I offered weakly. “I don’t know what happened back there.”

“I do. That damned helicopter flew overhead and scared the shit out of you. It put you right back in the war.”

I nodded and fought back tears as I began to remember. “I thought I was back there. It felt like it. I’m really sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

“How did I get home?”

“I helped you. And Kat. We got you back here, no worries.”

“Oh God.” I covered my eyes with my hand.

“Hey,” Gary said, gently prying my hand away. He threaded our fingers. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

That was easier said than done.

“How about I run your bath?. We can check your leg, and redress it when you get out. Kat is making a big pot of soup, so you can rest in bed and I’ll spoon-feed it to you.”

I almost smiled. “I can feed myself.”

“I know you can. But I want to do it for you. I want to look after you because that’s what you do when the person you love is having a shitty day.”

“Is that what this is? A shitty day?”

Gary nodded. “Yep.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “I’ll go run you that bath.”

I watched Gary walk out and noticed then the rain-splattered window, and suddenly a warm bath, a soft bed, and a bowl of soup sounded like heaven. I sat up in bed and pulled the covers back, then almost had to lift my left leg onto the floor. Pain bit into my leg like the shrapnel did and I could feel the color run from my face. I took some deep breaths but it did nothing to help. When Gary came back into the room, I didn’t even have to ask him to get my pills. He took one look at me, threw the towel he was holding onto the bed, and grabbed me two pills and a glass of water.

“Here, baby,” he whispered. “Take these.”

I swallowed them down greedily. “Thank you.”

He helped me undress, pulling my shirt over my head, then helped me to my feet and carefully undid my trousers, then ever so gently pulled them down my thighs. I half expected to see red blotches in the bandages around my thigh, but there were none. Gary carefully unwrapped the bandages and slowly revealed my thigh.

I hated the look of it, even on a good day. But now it was red and hot to the touch. It was angry where I had stretched the skin. There was no way I would have normally crouched down on my haunches. My leg wouldn’t have let me.

But when that helicopter went over…

I guess it was proof the human mind could do crazy things. I had no recollection of my leg even hurting when I was on the street. My mind was too busy thinking it had gone back to Vietnam to feel physical pain, but I sure felt it now.

Gary had never seen my injury up this close. I’d always had the bandages on or was wrapping it when he came into the room. But as he knelt before me now and inspected the lumps and indentations, the ugly scarring, there was no shock or horror on his face. Only concern. “There are no tears or ruptures,” he said looking it over. “But after your bath, we can wrap it up tight again. And I want you to have complete bed rest for a few days at least.”

“Yes, doctor,” I said as a joke.

He stood to his full height and kissed me with smiling lips. “Need help getting out of those briefs?”

“Yes,” I didn’t hesitate to answer.

He slid his fingers under the elastic and slid my briefs down, being extra careful of my thigh. I expected him to touch my dick or maybe even nudge it with his nose, but he didn’t. He simply stood, wrapped a towel around my waist, and led me to the bathroom. “I’m a little disappointed,” I said once the door was closed behind us. “I was naked in front of you and you didn’t touch me.”

Gary smirked and shut off the water. He checked the temperature of the bath, then removed my towel so I was naked again. “And I won’t until I know you’re not in any pain.”

“Those pills are already kicking in,” I said.

“You know what I mean.”

And I did. He was right. I wasn’t up for anything sexual, not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. I sat in the bath while Gary sat on the edge of the tub and washed me down with a cloth. Then he helped me out of the bath, got me all dried off, and helped me put on clean underwear and a T-shirt. He rewrapped my leg; then helped me back into bed.

I sat propped up against the headboard and let him spoon-feed me some soup. He might have said he wanted to look after me, but I also needed him to do it. Sure, I was physically capable of feeding myself, but I didn’t realize how much I needed to feel loved and cared for.

When I couldn’t eat any more, he put the bowl on the side table and climbed into bed with me. He pulled me into his arms so my head was on his chest. He ran his fingers through my hair and traced patterns on my back. The pills had taken effect, the pain was gone, and I was feeling a little spaced out.

“Thank you,” I murmured. “For everything.”

He squeezed me. “You’re very welcome.”

“I’d be so lost without you.” I could feel the chemical sleep dragging me under. The last thing I saw was the gold Christmas angel on the bedside table watching over me. “Now I have two angels.”

I slept right through till morning. The pills had worn off, the pain in my leg was back with a vengeance, and I needed to pee.

Gary was still asleep, but he stirred when I got out of bed. “What’s wrong?” he croaked.

“Nothing. Just need the bathroom.” My cane was at the end of the bed, so I grabbed it and went across the hall. I still felt like I’d been hit by a truck; I think it was a kind of mental fatigue or something I recalled doctors talking about, because it was a tiredness I could feel in my bones. After I’d peed and brushed my teeth, I climbed back into bed. Gary slid his arm around me, pulled my back to his front—the strength and scent of all man surrounded me—and I dozed off again.

He might have been joking about bed rest for a few days, but the way I felt, I certainly wasn’t going to argue. I ended up staying in bed most of the day, dozing and lethargic, and Gary came in every so often to check on me, feed me, kiss me. But by mid-afternoon, I was sick of the bedroom walls and I went in search of company.

I used the bathroom, then limped out to the living room with my cane. I noticed the Christmas tree we chose was sitting in the corner, still undecorated. I guessed my little episode in the street yesterday had thrown a wrench in the works. “Oh, hey,” Gary said, coming out of the kitchen. “What are you doing up?”

“I’m sick of being in bed.”

“Would the sofa be more comfortable?” he asked. “I can grab you a pillow and blanket and you can watch TV.”

“Or I could just sit with you.”

He gave me a hug. “Or that.”

“Where’s Kat?” I hadn’t seen her since my episode with the helicopter.

“She went out for lunch with some friends. It usually means she’ll be gone for hours, but she’ll be back soon.” He looked back to the kitchen. “I was going to make burgers for dinner. How does that sound?”

“Perfect. Need me to help?”

“I’m almost done, but I’m sure I can find something… like maybe wash a few dishes.” He winked and gave me a kiss. “Oh, and I’ll make some popcorn after because Cactus Flower is the Sunday night movie.”

I had no idea what Cactus Flower was. I was so out of the loop on movies, television, and music. But it didn’t matter what it was. As long as I was with him. “Sounds perfect.”

Gary finished making the hamburger mix and I did the dishes, and when we were done, he wrapped his arms around me right there in the kitchen. We stood there in that embrace for so long, and I was warm and felt so safe, I almost fell asleep against him.

“Come on,” he said with a laugh. “To the couch with you.” I went willingly, and by the time I’d pulled my bad leg up and got comfortable, Gary came back out with a pillow and a blanket. “Hey, make room for me.”

I shuffled forward a bit and he jumped up behind me, slid one of his legs on either side of me, and I was suddenly resting my back against his chest. I relaxed against him immediately and the weight of his arms felt wonderful around me.

“I don’t know why I’m so exhausted,” I said.

“You went through quite an ordeal yesterday,” he murmured with a kiss to the back of my head.

“They said it could happen,” I admitted quietly. “The doctors, in the hospital. That certain things could affect me like that. Loud, sudden noises, helicopters, fireworks. They called it something, but I can’t remember…”

“Having a shitty day.”

I chuckled. “Um, not sure that was it.”

“But that’s what we can call it. And if you have more shitty days, we’ll deal with them. Just know that if you have one, or a hundred, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

“How do you know to say exactly what I need to hear?”

He sighed and nuzzled into my hair. “Because I love you.”

I closed my eyes. “Remember when I was in the hospital, you once told me when I got out and moved in with you, we would have privacy to do whatever we want. That we could just be us.”

“I remember.”

“It seemed so unlikely. So far-fetched that two men could live together. Be together. Free to kiss, make love—”

“Cuddle on the sofa,” he added.

“Yes. Being here with you, just like this. I never dreamed it would come true.”

“Mmm,” he hummed against my head. And for a long while, neither of us spoke. We just lay there, finding peace in each other’s company. “How’s your leg?” he asked eventually.

“Sore.”

“Want me to get your pills?”

“Nah. I’ll take them when we go to bed.”

A key rattled in the door, and Kat said, “It’s just me,” as she came inside.

“Hey,” Gary said.

“Hi,” I added.

She dumped her handbag on the other sofa and came over to us. She looked directly at me. “How are you feeling?”

“Better, thank you. Still tired though, and I might have set my leg back three months in healing, but I’m better.” I tried to smile for her. “Thank you for being there, and I’m sorry for putting you through that. It can’t have been pretty.”

She rubbed my arm. “It was no problem. A bit scary, I’ll admit, but I was glad I was there so we could get you home.” Then she turned around and scanned the living room. “We need to decorate the tree! It’s Christmas in a week! I want this apartment to look like the North Pole!”

“Oh,” I said. “Gary had plans to make burgers and watch a movie.”

Kat grinned. “Excellent. Decorations, burgers, movie. That’s our night.”

She wasted no time in pulling out the bags of decorations and Gary got up to help her. “Come on,” he said to me. “You’re helping too.”

“I’m a bit of a cripple,” I said, slowly getting to my feet.

“You are not,” Gary said, holding out some tinsel to me. “You’re very capable of doing anything you put your mind to. And I’ve told you before not to call the guy I love that word.”

I took the tinsel and fought a smile. I loved how he treated me as though I was normal. As though I wasn’t injured, and like I was the same man I was before. Using my cane, I stepped in closer to him and kissed his cheek and the three of us set about making the apartment as Christmassy as we could.

We stood the tree in the corner next to the television, added tinsel and ornaments and lights. Kat set up some reindeer figurines in a sleigh formation on the windowsill and Gary tacked the three stockings underneath it. Kat added some Christmas lights, and there were Santa candles and the small plastic tree for the table and garlands over the doorways. For a few dollars at the thrift shop, it looked pretty darn good.

We ate our burgers, which were delicious, and we settled on the sofas to watch the movie. Gary made popcorn, and although my leg hurt and I had to fight nodding off, I really did have a lovely night.

The fact that this was my life now was something I’d always be amazed at. Despite my physical and psychological injuries, I was living my life as a gay man—living as my true self—and that was something I’d never take for granted.

I must’ve dozed off for the end of the movie because I woke up to Gary’s gentle touch and his whispered words. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you to bed.”

We used the bathroom and brushed our teeth, and I all but fell onto the edge of the bed as I sat down. “I’m so fucking tired,” I mumbled. “I don’t think I was this tired in the hospital.”

Gary closed the door and came over to stand between my legs; then he pulled my head against his belly and stroked my hair. “Give yourself time to heal. There’s no time limit on it. However long it takes. And anyway, I have to work the next four days so you’ll have plenty of time to sleep and rest, okay?”

I nodded. “You’re a very patient man.”

He rubbed my back. “I am. Especially if it’s worth waiting for,” he said with a laugh. “And you totally are.”

I looked up at him, my chin resting on his stomach. “You’re kind of great, you know that?”

“I do, but you can keep telling me. I won’t mind,” he said with a grin. Then he noticed the angel still sitting on the bedside table. Gary leaned over and picked it up. “Oh, we forgot about this. It should go on the tree.”

“Can she stay beside our bed?” I asked. “We can put her on the tree on Christmas Eve, if that’s okay. My mom would have an angel on the mantelpiece until Christmas Eve dinner; then she’d put it on the tree. Apparently her mother and grandmother did that. It’s probably silly…”

He smiled warmly at me. “That’s not silly. It’s perfect. And anyway, I like the idea of this angel watching over you while you rest.” He put the angel back on the table, and I leaned across and turned her around so she wasn’t privy to what I wanted to do to Gary. I ran my hands down over his ass and the back of his thighs. I was at a very convenient height, and when I eyed his crotch, then met his gaze, he caught on. “You were falling asleep a few minutes ago. Is your leg sore?”

I licked my lips and began to undo his fly. “A little,” I lied. It was aching but I had more immediate needs. “I really want this. Then I can take my pills and we’ll both sleep better.”

I opened his fly roughly and shoved his briefs down to free his dick. He liked being manhandled; his groan and the jerk of his cock told me he liked it a lot. I wasted no time sucking him into my mouth. He grew hard fast, and although he was gentle with his hands, he thrust into my mouth, over and over, until he was rock-hard and his thrusts became a little harder and faster. “Richard, baby. I’m gonna come.”

I sucked him in as far as I could take him, looked up at his face to find him watching me. “Oh God,” he murmured. “That’s so hot.”

I groaned around him and he let his head fall back as he came down my throat. He shuddered and moaned, and when I pulled off, he took hold of my face and kissed me. He must’ve been able to taste himself because he hummed, then he ended the kiss with a smile. “Your turn?”

I shook my head. “No, that was just for you.”

He kissed me again and stroked his thumb across my cheek. “Get into bed,” he murmured, tucking himself back into his jeans. “I’ll get your pills for you.” He went to leave the room but stopped. He turned the angel back around so she faced me, and I laughed. I lifted my leg onto the mattress and settled into bed, and took my pills when he brought me a glass of water. He climbed in behind me, wrapped me up in his arms so I was in the only safe place I’d ever known, and we both slept like logs.

I spent all the next day on the couch, watching TV, dozing, resting, healing, but the day after that I was getting restless. I felt much better, and while my leg had appreciated the recovery, I needed to stretch it.

I also needed to get Gary and Kat a Christmas gift each. And, if my leg was up for it, I’d stop in at the market and grab something to cook for dinner. I didn’t have a lot of money, but I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them.

It was Christmas after all. And this was the first year since I was a kid that Christmas incited any kind of hope.

Gone was the judgment, the scorn. Gone was the church that told me I was sick, mentally disturbed, an abomination, and gone was the dread they might have been right.

No, this Christmas there was love and hope and acceptance of who I really was.

I sat on the bed to pull on my boots and smiled back at the Christmas angel who watched over me. “This is the first Christmas of the rest of my life,” I told her. “I need to make it special. I need to show Gary how much I love him.”

And just then, a beam of sunlight shined through the window and caught the angel in its glow. She looked ethereal, even a little bit magic. And I knew it was just the light and the shadows on her face, but she really appeared to smile, as though she somehow knew.

I stood up and put on my coat, and with a newfound determination, I left the apartment and went out.