“WHERE WERE YOU?”

Helen’s voice cut through the stillness of the early morning house and made Ben jump. He closed the front door slowly and turned around. “ Did you need me? Did I miss something?”

She stood behind one of the armchairs in the living room, gripping the backrest hard, her face like a thundercloud. But then her expression changed, became sad, finally tired. “No, no.... I shouldn’t.... I said I wouldn’t pry. Your time is your own.” She rubbed her forehead hard. “I’m sorry, Ben, but this isn’t working. I can’t sit here, imagining you with—” She gave a sigh. “Ben, I need you to move out. As soon as possible.”

All air was forced from Ben’s lungs, and when he tried to speak, his voice was almost inaudible, even to himself. “But where...”

“I don’t know!” Helen’s voice rose again. Her suppressed temper started to crack at the seams. “Move in with your ‘friend’, maybe?” And with that, she turned around and strode into the kitchen.

Ben couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t explain to himself why this would hit him so hard. He’d known it would come, and soon. But the sudden reality of the situation was utterly devastating.

He had already moved on. He had Donnie to think about, someone who needed him and wanted him around. The terrible thought that all of it had just been a distraction suddenly loomed large. Had he secretly hoped that whatever was going on with him and Helen would work itself out, if only he backed off for a while? Maybe starting this thing with Donnie had been his subconscious mind trying to show Helen that he was wanted and that she should reconsider and take him back.

What a stupid, terrible thought! Donnie meant so much more to him than that, and he definitely hadn’t been a rebound. Ben was disgusted with himself.

But suddenly his new reality seemed impossible. There would definitely be gossip at work if he moved out of the marital home and in with another man. And when people found out just where Donnie lived, and what his story was, they would judge. Ben hated people prying into his private business. He felt totally unprepared for this latest change, and the complications it would bring.

Allowing himself to go down that path made Ben’s head swim. As if in a trance, he slowly climbed the stairs. Just as he was about to open the guest bedroom door, he heard another door open behind him.

“Dad? What’s going on?”

Laura stood there, in her slightly too short nightgown, looking tousled from sleep and rubbing her eyes. Ben’s own eyes filled with tears, and he quickly looked down. “Nothing, darling. Go back to bed. It’s still early.”

He watched out of the corner of his eye as Laura nodded uncertainly, then returned to her room. Ben went into the guest room and fell heavily onto the mattress. He wondered how Laura would take all this. Ben had only just promised her that he wouldn’t move out anytime soon.

It was all over. The finality hit him again like a hammer, and all that would happen next loomed so impossibly large it terrified him out of his mind.

Ben pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the station. “Lou? It’s Ben. Tell the captain I’m not coming in today. Oh, and tell Jason, too... What? Uh...food poisoning. Yeah, real sorry to leave y’all hanging out to dry on a Saturday. All right, thanks. Bye.”

He hung up and stared at his phone. For a moment, the urge to call Donnie was overwhelming. But in the end, he couldn’t do it. Donnie had enough on his plate already. He didn’t need the burden of Ben’s messed-up life on top of his own.

Ben dropped the phone onto the bedside table, suddenly exhausted. Having to sound normal to Lou had taken all his remaining energy. Calling in sick and lying about it lay heavily on his mind, but, right now, he couldn’t face work or life.

Everything was unraveling around him. Ben felt terrified, paralyzed, powerless. And he had no idea what to do next.

“’LO?”

“Ben? You okay?”

Ben rubbed his eyes. What was the time? “Donnie? Yeah...yeah, sure. Whassup?”

“Where are you?”

“Home. Why?”

“You said you were coming over again tonight.”

“God, I did...yeah, sorry.” He looked around the gloomy living room, the mess on the coffee table. Plates, knife and fork, dirty, right on Helen’s precious furniture. Crumbs everywhere.

A bottle and glass.

“Ben, what are you doing?”

“Nothing...”

You drunk.”

“Am not.”

“Ben...”

“What does it matter?”

“I’m coming over.”

“No, Donnie...”

“Be there in twenty. You better let me in.”

“Or what?” But there was no reply. Ben heard a click and the line went dead.

“C’MON, MAN, OPEN up!”

Donnie’s voice came from right outside on the stoop. Ben frowned and yanked open the door. “Stop shouting already! I told you not to come.”

Donnie ignored him and pushed past into the hallway. Reluctantly, Ben closed the door. Donnie appraised him, his gaze unusually steely. “Where’s Helen?”

“Out with friends.”

“Laura?”

“Sleepover.”

“Figures,” Donnie growled and took Ben’s jacket from its peg on the wall. “You wouldn’t have done this with them here. Put this on.”

He held out the jacket, but Ben didn’t move. Donnie sighed, then stepped right up into Ben’s space, until their faces were mere inches apart. Ben’s head spun. He had to look away from the intense blue eyes.

Donnie reached out and put a hand against Ben’s cheek. “No, you look at me now. We’re going to meeting. You don’t want this shit. That’s why you came to the center. You can hate me all you want, but I’m here now, and I’ll help. C’mon.” He shook the jacket open.

Ben looked at Donnie. The other man’s face was pale, but there was a determination in Donnie’s eyes that Ben had never seen there before.

He nodded and slipped his arms into the sleeves. “All right.”

Donnie cleaned away the dishes from the coffee table and wrote a note to Helen. Then he led Ben from the house. Ben watched as Donnie locked the front door. Then Donnie helped him climb into his pickup truck. They didn’t speak.

Ben felt deeply ashamed. He hadn’t had another drink after Donnie’s call, and already he was sobering up. The beginnings of a hangover were giving him a headache. Donnie’s eyes flicked over to him several times, but Ben didn’t look around.

He really couldn’t have said why he had gone out and bought that bottle of bourbon the moment Helen and Laura had left for the evening. How could he ever look at Donnie again after this? He was a coward and a liar.

Donnie parked in the deserted staff parking lot at the community center. He kept a hand on Ben’s back as they walked down the alleyway toward the entrance. When they got to the big blue door, Ben stopped dead.

“What is it? You gonna puke?” Donnie asked.

Ben stared at the door and the faded yellow poster tacked to it. He remembered the first time he’d seen this door in the early morning glare and with a hangover worse than the current one.

“Your eyes...,” he said softly. The blue of the door, that was what Donnie’s eyes reminded him of.

Their fuckups were what linked them—he suddenly understood—and the desire to be better men. Maybe they couldn’t always be strong for themselves, but they could be strong for each other.

“What?” Donnie asked, confused and impatient. When Ben didn’t speak, Donnie gave him a small push. “C’mon.”

They climbed the stairs together and went into the meeting room, and Ben, dizzy now, moved clumsily along the chairs in the back row, dropping down hard into the very last seat. Donnie sat right next to him and moved close, until their legs were touching.

There were only half a dozen people in the room for this last AA meeting of the day. Ben didn’t recognize anyone in the group or the volunteer who recited the serenity prayer in Arthur’s stead. His head pounded. He kept his eyes to the front, but he could feel Donnie’s gaze. At first, the words of the speakers at the podium washed over him, incomprehensible. But slowly the usual calm of meetings descended, and Ben felt soothed, even through the hangover.

Then Donnie got up. He walked to the front, looking nervous but determined, and faced the room. He blushed, and Ben’s heart suddenly beat fast.

Donnie’s voice was low and halting when he started to speak, but just like the first time Ben had heard him in meeting, everyone kept very still.

“I hate being afraid,” Donnie began. “Been scared all the time since I got diagnosed last year. I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna get sick. Arthur helped me, when me and Floyd fucked up. When I came here, I started to believe in something again. And then I got told I’m positive, and everything crashed again. I kept going, but it was real hard.” He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “I’m so tired, all the time. Being scared, it’s exhausting, and it sucks. Sometimes, I can’t even think, it hurts so much. But my life, it’s not over. I know that now. I can be scared and still do things that make me happy.” He stopped again. His gaze found Ben’s, and it didn’t let go. “I won’t give up. My life can still mean something. And when it feels like I can’t go on, I look up, and I see I’m not alone. I got someone to help me. To help me believe in something again.”

“BETTER NOW?” DONNIE pulled the blankets up to Ben’s waist, then climbed into bed next to him.

Ben gave a shuddery sigh, and allowed Donnie to pull him into his arms. “Yeah, thanks. For everything.”

“It’s okay.”

On their way back from Atlanta, it had been Donnie who’d had to make an emergency stop by the roadside, five minutes from his house. Ben had choked out a curse, one hand scrabbling on the door latch before the pickup truck had come to a stop.

Donnie’s hand on his neck as he’d retched into the ditch had been soothing, and Ben, embarrassed but with Donnie’s words from the meeting still in his ears, had been grateful not to be alone.

Now he buried his face against Donnie’s chest, the cotton of his undershirt soothing against Ben’s aching head. “M’such a fuckup.”

Donnie didn’t speak right away, but his arms tightened around Ben’s shoulders and he rested his chin on top of Ben’s head. “Would tell you that’s bullshit, but you wouldn’t believe me, so I won’t,” he said finally. Ben didn’t say anything. Donnie’s newfound eloquent confidence was really a little disconcerting. After a moment, Donnie asked, “You wanna tell me what happened?”

Ben didn’t know where to start. He wanted Donnie to know, about Helen telling him to move out and how it had made him lose all hope. But the words wouldn’t come.

The silence stretched. They remained quiet for so long Ben was almost convinced Donnie might’ve gone to sleep. Ben had almost drifted off himself, the residual alcohol in his system warring with his misery.

He flinched awake when Donnie finally spoke. “You wanna come live with me, here?”

Ben pushed himself up and stared at Donnie. “How’d you know? That Helen...”

Donnie shrugged. “Didn’t, not really. Just knew something happened, at home.” He glanced around himself. “Place is a bit small, and it’s not as nice as your house.” He gave a little smile. “We could get a bigger bed, though. And it’d be nice, not being all alone here.”

Again, Floyd was on Donnie’s mind. It wouldn’t be a bad idea, Ben thought, moving in with Donnie, at least temporarily, even if just to have Donnie’s back should his wayward brother ever reappear.

“What if Floyd comes back?” Ben felt he had to address the issue.

Donnie’s eyes turned dark, and he shrugged again. “Maybe he won’t.” But then that shutter came down again. Conversation over.

This was too much to deal with tonight. Ben shuddered as his head gave an angry throb, his stomach clenched. It was all he could do not to throw up again.

Donnie sensed his woe and pulled Ben back into a tight embrace. “It’s real late. Let’s go to sleep, we’ll figure this out in the morning.” He turned around and switched the bedside lamp off.

Ben lay against Donnie in the dark and listened to his breaths even out as Donnie drifted into sleep. He was worried about how they’d cope here in this tiny house, with the threat of Floyd’s return always hanging over them. And Ben still didn’t know how his suddenly living with a man would be taken by his colleagues. He didn’t feel ready to come out of the closet, not yet.

At least I’ve got Donnie. That thought gave him comfort, but it still took a long time before he finally fell asleep.