“Shaw, I need you over here for a while.”

Vann set the mop in the back room then washed his hands and dried them off with a paper towel before settling next to Bill behind the deli side of the counter. The older man worked diligently each day to prep the sandwich ingredients the moment the breakfast crowd thinned. Every ingredient had to be sliced the right thickness to avoid falling apart in the sandwich while still contributing to the overall mix of flavors. Behind the gruff, blunt, sometimes sarcastic exterior was an artist at heart who loved his craft just as much as his wife enjoyed baking those cookies Julian craved at the end of each day.

Bill pointed to the small box in the corner. “Put on some of those gloves. We’re going to have a crowd today after that legal conference breaks for lunch. So I’m going to need your help with the sandwiches.”

“Really?” Vann pulled the gloves snugly on his hands.

“Yup. You’re going to start them and I’ll finish them off.”

The flutter of excitement in his belly was silly, but he didn’t care. He listened carefully as Bill rattled off the questions to ask the customers, the different bread options and choice of cheeses to set the canvas for Bill’s arrangement of ingredients down the line.

“Got it?”

Vann nodded. Hell yeah, he got it. As if on cue, a group of six customers, a mix of men and women, pushed through the door wearing business suits, talking on their cell phones, texting, or chatting to the person at their side.

He quickly prepped six sheets on the counter and asked the first customer the string of questions regarding their preferences before moving on to the next person. He finished the first group but didn’t have a chance to pat himself on the back before a dozen more lined up in front of him.

He forced a smile, hoping to soften his otherwise perpetually hard expression and focused on one customer at a time. He ignored his pounding heart as he carefully heard each choice, some voicing their choices before he had a chance to ask the questions. He nodded and continued, slicing the breads in perfect halves and prepping the cheeses and core condiments.

Bill glanced in his direction and smiled smugly. Even Cam craned his neck from the register to steal glances at him.

He’d barely recovered when another flood of customers filled the small diner. Fuck.

He focused on his questions and sorting each customer, compartmentalizing his anxiety, careful with each slice of the knife and how he spread the ingredients.

“I didn’t want mustard or that disgusting sauce thing,” one of the customers said. He looked over to Vann with a sneer. “Are you too stupid to know the difference between a yes or no?”

Vann stiffened.

“What seems to be the problem here?” Bill asked, stepping next to Vann.

“This idiot can’t follow—”

“You said ‘no mayo’ when he asked,” one of the other customers in line said. “That implies you want everything else.”

The protesting customer turned to face the other man who had chimed in.

Vann untied the knot on the back of his apron and folded it as he turned to Bill. “You should take it from here. You’ve…got a lot of customers waiting, and I don’t want to slow things down.” He took a few controlled breaths, trying to stop the pounding in his head and the thundering heartbeat in his chest. A huge weight took center stage in his body, making it painfully tough to breathe.

“Shaw—”

Vann raised a stopping hand to Bill. “Take care of your customers.” He walked through the doorway to the back room and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes and flattened his palms against the wall behind him.

“What the hell do you mean you won’t serve me?” a voice yelled.

He screwed his eyes tighter, trying to calm his body.

“Shaw?”

Vann parted his lips as each wheezing breath barely pushed through his lungs.

“Shaw, open your eyes and look at me,” Cam said. “You need to fucking breathe.”

He opened his eyes, pushing each breath through his gritted teeth. “I’m trying to.”

Cam planted his hands on Vann’s shoulders, drawing his attention. “Forget about Bill. Forget about that asshole. Forget about what happened. Focus on your happy place.”

“My what?” He rubbed his chest as his breath hissed in and out through his lips. What the hell is happening?

“Think of something that calms you the fuck down. Now. Think of Drayton. I’ve seen you drawing at lunch, think of that if it helps. Think of something before this panic attack really grabs a hold of you.”

Panic what? He closed his eyes and mentally thumbed through a series of memories, quickly stopping at one that always settled him. He let the memory take over his senses, surrendering as the vivid details of the flashback returned him to that one moment on his eighteenth birthday he would always cherish.

 

“Have you ever done this before?” Drayton asked. He tried to appear confident, but the way he kept pushing up his glasses was a nervous tic he hadn’t been able to hide in the four years they’d been friends.

Vann took a step forward, placing his hand on Drayton’s hip, smiling when Drayton’s breath hitched.

“I…don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Drayton finally admitted, ducking his head as his jaw muscles twitched. Ironically, Drayton was old enough to drink but he hadn’t kissed a single guy in his twenty-one years. That was definitely a huge downside to being in the closet and keeping himself isolated from others. But the bigger upside was that Vann would have first dibs on those full lips.

“Yes, you do. You know how to do a lot more than kiss.” Vann pushed his body up against Drayton. “I’ve caught you looking at porn.”

Drayton’s face reddened.

He knew Drayton was nervous, but it had been his damn idea to hold off on kissing and messing around until Vann’s eighteenth birthday. Served him right for making Vann wait so damn long. He rubbed his thumb along the slashes of color on Drayton’s cheeks. “I like the way you get all shy when I know you’re not. I know you want to grab me and throw me on the dirt and do all those things to me you saw in that movie.”

Drayton’s face turned a deeper shade of red. “Have you…seen movies like that?”

“Don’t need to. I’ve got a porn playing twenty-four seven in my head featuring you as the star.”

The red deepened.

“If you get like this with our first kiss, I can’t wait to see how you get when I’m inside you.”

“Will you fucking kiss me already?”

Vann cocked his eyebrow and hid a smirk. “Hey, it’s my birthday and this is my present. Don’t be bossy with me.”

Drayton rolled his eyes. “Is wanting to torture me on your wish list too?”

He rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, knowing his teasing amped up Dray’s challenging spirit. “There’s my little spitfire.”

“I’m not little.”

Vann chuckled and pushed his nose into the crook of Drayton’s neck. “I know. I can feel you pushing against me.” He ran a finger down Drayton’s torso, enjoying each dip and curve of the now defined tight body. After months of working out together and seeing the flex of muscles slowly building, he’d had about as much foreplay as a man could handle for a lifetime. He couldn’t wait to explore every inch of skin with his tongue.

“What if…I suck?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.”

If Drayton’s cheeks heated any further, the man would burst into flames. “How many people have you kissed?”

Vann smiled smugly at the possessiveness burning in Drayton’s eyes. “One. A few months before we met. She caught me by surprise and kissed me.”

“You were thirteen!” Drayton’s lips thinned to a straight line and his brow lowered.

“So?”

He pushed his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose again. “It’s depressing as hell. You had more experience at the age of thirteen than I do now at twenty-one.” He scowled and ducked his head again. “You…kissed a girl?”

“I didn’t like it.” Vann ran his fingers through Drayton’s hair, hoping to settle the subtle shake he felt in the grip at his waist.

Drayton peeked up, looking shy while still holding that slight hint of fear before accepting a challenge. “What if…you don’t like kissing me either?”

“Impossible.” Vann wrapped his fingers behind Drayton’s neck and tugged him forward, finally pressing their lips together.

The firm, yet soft lips spiked a surge of want and need in Vann’s body. He gripped Drayton’s face and held him close as he explored every tiny crevice of Drayton’s warm, welcoming mouth. A groan escaped when a tongue tentatively slid alongside his and large hands pulled him close against a wall of lean muscles. He wrapped his arms around Drayton’s wide shoulders as forceful fingers dug into his ass cheeks, tugging him closer, urging him to unleash his pent-up desire for the man in his arms.

Time froze and everything stilled except for their kiss. Every graze of skin and hitch of breath was as close to perfection as Vann could have imagined.

Each push drew a pull.

Every demand encountered submission.

Each request filled without question.

An unusual peace settled in his chest unlike anything he’d ever felt. The constant thrum of anger in his veins replaced with an unbridled joy he couldn’t contain. A veil of calmness suddenly blanketed the jittery tension that always vibrated in his body. He rested his hand against Drayton’s steady, strong heartbeat, moaning into the kiss as he slowed the pace, savoring the taste of the man who quieted his inner storm.

For the first time, he was exactly where he needed to be with exactly the person his soul screamed to be with.

He ripped his mouth away from the kiss, gasping a breath at the realization.

“Was that okay?” Drayton asked, gulping and panting each breath as he remained pressed against Vann.

Vann nodded, unable to utter a word as he stared into those pale gray eyes filled with wonder. Without a shred of hesitation, he knew his heart had been branded and he’d do anything in his power to always protect and care for the man staring back at him.

 

“Shaw?” Cam said, pulling him back into the present.

Vann slowly opened his eyes, reveling in the still vivid emotions that always accompanied a memory. That same veil of calmness that had enveloped him during that kiss almost thirteen years ago now surrounded his body like a protective cloak.

Cam gave him a lopsided grin. “You’re gonna be fine. Have a seat.”

“I thought I was having a heart attack or something.”

“If you were, you’d be in the back of an ambulance right now, not the diner.”

“You’re a fucking comedian.”

Cam scoffed. “Hardly. I’m too familiar with panic attacks. I’ve learned to manage them and barely have them now, but had more than my fair share when I got out and tried to adjust to things. You were probably worried about screwing up and going back inside. That one thought right there did it to me every time.”

Vann took a deep, steadying breath, making a mental note. “Is Bill okay out there?”

Cam sat in the chair across from him. “Yeah, he’s got it under control.”

“Shouldn’t you be out there?”

“Nah. He’s fine and Lucy’s on the register. Besides, I’m not sure I want to be out there right now.” Cam leaned back in the chair and chuckled.

“Why’s that?” Vann rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, not really sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Bill’s still fuming…because of that customer.” Cam added the latter before Vann had a chance to speak. “He heard the guy say ‘no mayo’ to you. So did I and that other customer. The guy’s a prick. And Bill doesn’t play nice with assholes. So he had a field day going off on the guy.”

Vann rubbed his forehead. “That’s not good for business.”

Cam chuckled. “Well, apparently the guy’s a jerk so his ‘friends’”—Cam said with air quotes—“got a kick out of seeing an old man go batshit crazy on his ass. They all stayed and gave Bill major props for calling him out.”

He leaned his head back in the chair, hating to have caused drama in the otherwise silent diner.

“Don’t worry about it. Bill’s cool. And he gets really protective. If he didn’t like you, he would have kicked you out the first day.”

“Cam, honey, we’ve got a coffee order,” Lucy called out from the front.

“Coming!” Cam rose from the chair, stopping at the doorway before leaving him. “Hang out back here until the crowd clears. We’ve got the front covered.”

Vann rested his elbows on the table and cradled his head in his hands. Why the hell did it always seem as if he got the shit end of the stick? He hated drama, he hated being the source of it, and he sure as hell hated being called stupid. He wasn’t as book smart as Drayton. Hell, most people weren’t. But he’d heard that little gem too often in his life from his father, kids in school, and the pricks in prison. He couldn’t help wondering if there was a shred of truth in their jabs.

He ignored the sudden sting in his eyes, hating the thoughts racing in his mind. He covered his eyes and revisited a memory, a small smile twitched his lips.

Being with Dray is definitely my “happy place.”

 

 

∞ ♥ ∞

 

 

Drayton couldn’t shake this odd twitch that kept nagging him for the last few hours. He ran through the day multiple times in his mind, over and over again to the point of exhaustion, trying to break down the day to pinpoint the problem area, coming up empty every time.

And yet, the prickling behind his neck persisted.

Maybe seeing Vann would right this odd imbalance that kept throwing him off. He blew out a frustrated breath, turning the street corner, and then driving into the back lot of Halfway House. He parked next to Julian’s truck and turned off the car, waiting when he spotted Vann sitting on the back porch.

It was too damn hot so Vann never waited outside for him. Something was…off.

And the prickling behind Drayton’s neck persisted. He exited the car and walked over to Vann, sitting next to him on the porch bench when the silence filled the space between them. Vann immediately reached out and grabbed his hand, threading their fingers together.

“How long have you been out here?”

Vann shrugged, not breaking his focus from the concrete slab floor.

“I thought we got past this.”

He turned to look at Drayton, a frown darkening his features in confusion.

“That’s what you used to do when we were friends.” He leaned in and placed a kiss on Vann’s lips. “It took me forever to get you to open up about stuff. Just tell me what’s going on.”

Vann sighed. “I had a problem with a customer today. He…called me stupid.”

And there it was. That word that had haunted Vann his entire life. The one cursed string of characters that always seemed to knock the wind out of his sail and have him face-plant against the nearest brick wall. “You know you’re not.”

“Tough to believe when everyone keeps saying the same shit,” he grumbled. “He said I messed up his order but I didn’t. I keep going through it in my mind to figure out what I did wrong.”

“He probably thought it was easier to tear you down rather than admit he’d messed up. That’s what you used to tell me about the bullies who got pissed off at me when I didn’t want to do their homework. You remember that?”

Vann remained quiet, passing the time by rubbing his thumb along Drayton’s hand.

“What else happened? What aren’t you telling me?”

“I…kinda freaked out a little. I thought I was going back to that hell because of the screw-up. I couldn’t breathe. And the more I fought to breathe, the stronger the pain got in my chest.” He quieted again, looking off into the darkness of the backyard. “Cam said it was a panic attack. I’d never had one of those.”

“I have.”

Vann turned sharply to face him. “When?”

Drayton took a deep breath, careful of his words. “After that night. I don’t think I had a solid night’s sleep for months. And it took me forever to get over being in the dark by myself again.”

Vann’s brow lowered, deepening his frown. “I wasn’t there for you.”

“Because you were in prison.”

Vann yanked his hand away and roughly rubbed his eyes with his palms, something he always seemed to do when too many thoughts simultaneously battled in his mind. Almost as if he could push the thoughts and emotions back into his mind.

Drayton reached out and stroked Vann’s back, hoping the rhythmic circular patterns brushed against his muscles would calm the obviously dark brewing turmoil. “I got through it. And you’ll get through this. And I’m going to be right here with you to make sure that happens.”

Vann dropped his hands into his lap. Drayton didn’t have a clue how long he’d sat out there, mulling over what had happened. But the exhaustion and frustration had obviously started to show their wear. “Cam told me to think of a happy place. I swear, that fucker is as chipper as you are sometimes.”

A quiet chuckle escaped before Drayton could rein it in. “Believe me, ‘chipper’ is not a word people use to describe me. But I know it helps to focus on something positive to stay grounded.”

“You were my happy place.”

Drayton’s heart skipped a beat and the prickling behind his neck eased.

Vann looked at him, the corner of his lips curled into a faint smile. “Thinking of you always settles me.” He reached over and grabbed Drayton’s hand again. “That’s what kept me sane inside,” he quietly added.

Drayton knew all too well how latching on to memories helped maintain some semblance of sanity. Reminiscing about Vann and their time together pushed him through each day. And the times he wrote the letters, reliving each memory with the finest of details, were always the best nights. He’d catch himself smiling as he wrote his weekly letter and the swell of hope would push him to continue.

He also remembered the ache of solitude at seeing so many happy faces everywhere in movies and hearing laughter in the office—each smile wide and each echo of a laugh reverberating through the air. A deep pain had sliced through his chest each time he recalled the loneliness and the heartbreak of possibly never feeling that level of happiness again with Vann. The dull ache in his chest remained as a constant reminder of Vann’s absence and the normalcy he’d always seemed to bring into Drayton’s life. He’d numbly gone through the daily motions like a zombie. He’d just wanted to feel…normal. Happy. Be with the man he loved and share the moments of joy with him. Somehow, every innovation and industry-changing creation that garnered more publicity and expectations for greatness felt empty. The thrill and excitement were nonexistent.

Simply because Vann had not been there with him to share in the glory.

“You got quiet on me,” Vann said, pulling him from his thoughts.

“I missed you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Drayton shook his head. “Don’t be. I don’t know anyone who can read people better than you. And you knew you needed the isolation to survive prison.” He pulled their clasped hands to his lips. He rubbed his thumb along Vann’s rough skin, tracing the small white scars along his knuckles. He turned to Vann and frowned when there was too much silence between them. “Now you got quiet on me.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Vann, don’t.” He pulled Vann into an embrace and held him close, pressing a kiss to his temple. “There’s no other place I’d rather be than by your side. Besides, you get me like no one else does. You know I try, but people don’t always fit into a formula I can solve. So you’re stuck with me.”

“You try too hard,” Vann whispered. “You don’t need to. Just be the real you and they’ll swarm to you.”

Drayton scoffed. “That only works with you. Everyone else…” He quieted, not really sure how to phrase what he wanted to say without Vann drawing some guilt from his words. “It’s not easy for me to figure out who’s genuine and who’s not. So it’s easier to just shut out everyone.”

Vann took a deep breath, remaining quiet as he usually did when he was turning over all the thoughts in his mind. “I should have been here for you.”

“Don’t do that. The reason you weren’t here was because of what you did that night…for me. If anyone feels bad about you not being here for the last ten years, it’s me.” He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Vann’s, enjoying the nearness he had missed for too many years. “Try and think of one positive thing about us being apart.”

“That’s a little twisted.”

“Well, you already know I suck at this normal human thing. Just humor me.”

Vann’s eyebrows twitched as if struggling with an internal debate. He finally looked up at Drayton, his eyes holding a wealth of emotions that reached out and tightened around his heart. “The only positive of being away from you for so long is that I now get to enjoy falling for you all over again.” Vann leaned in, placing a tender, slow kiss on Drayton’s lips.

“I’m yours.”

“Always?” Vann asked, avoiding eye contact.

Drayton tucked his fingers under Vann’s chin, tipping his head and holding him in place until their eyes met. “Forever.”

“We sound like a couple of saps.”

He placed another kiss on Vann’s lips, smiling when Vann kept his face turned upward, silently requesting another. He pressed their lips together again then whispered, “I don’t mind being a little sticky when you’re around.”

A slow, wicked grin spread across Vann’s face. “Okay, so we’re horny saps.”

Drayton chuckled. “And we’ve got a lot of time to make up for.”

“I missed this.” Vann rested his head on Drayton’s shoulder. “I missed you. This…peace that’s always been there between us. I don’t have that anywhere but with you.”

“That’s why I’m your happy place.”

“You’ll always be my sexy, nerdy, sappy happy place.”

“I’ll be whatever you want me to be as long as you’re by my side.”

Vann sighed and nuzzled the side of Drayton’s neck as he spoke. “Thanks, Dray.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You let a punk kid with a shit rep into your life. You gave him a chance. And I swear to you, he’s never, ever going to forget that.”

Drayton pulled Vann into an embrace, holding him close. He pushed his nose into Vann’s hair, stifling a moan as the safety and comfort enveloped him and the prickling behind his neck finally vanished. 

This was where he wanted to be. The one place that always felt right. The only place where love surrounded him so intensely he needed to relax or be worn out from the pointless struggle of resistance. Being with Vann was easy, always had been. He wasn’t even sure of that pivotal moment when he had fallen in love, or maybe it was a series of tiny events that built over the years of their friendship, braiding into that bond and creating a tie stronger than he could ever have imagined. He gave up on figuring out the mechanics of what made them click so well together. There were too many things to narrow down and pinpoint to a single detail. 

But there, in Vann’s arms, with his scent surrounding him and the warm puffs of breath against his shoulder, he knew this was where he belonged and that no one, anywhere, would ever be able to fill the void in his heart the way Vann always did.