Chapter Twelve
Beth let them into her apartment twenty minutes later. She dropped her bag by the door and shrugged out of her jacket.
In the three years since she started renting this place, she might have had four people here, at most, and one of them had been the attorney who’d helped her sort her parents’ estates. Having a big, rangy male body in the one-bedroom apartment made it feel even smaller, more compact.
She listened to him take in her apartment, the colorful prints on the wall, the lived-in disarray of it all. There were books everywhere. Long ago, she’d filled the bookshelves around the room with keepers. Since then, she’d had to pile them on top of the shelves, and then on every other surface around the space. That was only her printed books. There were at least two ereaders in the house that were full, as well.
She hadn’t read all of those books, though. Yet. She was working on it.
Trailing her finger along the trunk she used as a coffee table, the one covered in punk band stickers, she tried not to consider how this might be a colossal mistake.
They were still so far apart on all things Solvimine. It couldn’t have been any clearer at the VA home, listening to his fears about using components of the larger drug for other purposes. Even after meeting her mother. That should have shown him exactly why she wanted to do what she was doing. But he’d remained torn, stuck between understanding her and his own baggage.
Yet, when she’d talked about her mom, on some level he’d understood. He’d lost his own father. A person couldn’t pretend that kind of empathy. Maybe she could still get through to him. He only needed time.
He might believe whatever mistakes he’d made were too much to forgive, but when he’d held her, they’d connected. That had to be a good place to start.
Even though his feelings for her weren’t as intense as hers for him, that didn’t mean he didn’t feel as much as he could. Lots of times, people shied away from the deeper, more frightening things. Obviously, he cared for her. She could see it, hear it. She felt it in his actions.
More time, that was all.
She doesn’t want me here. I should go. He remained near the door as if he wasn’t sure he was invited all the way inside.
“No. That’s not it. I do want you here.” Massive understatement. “I’m just not used to having people around.”
Nodding, he kicked his sneakers off by the welcome mat without bothering to untie them. He shuffled farther inside, shrugging, his hands buried in his pockets. I’m not good at this stuff.
She almost laughed. As if she was. Between them, they were one big nerdy disaster. “Come on. Let’s make some food.”
“You have food?” Eyebrows lifting, he grinned, following her into her miniscule kitchen. “I never see you leave the office.”
“I don’t keep a lot,” she qualified, flustered as she navigated around his lithe frame in the limited space. “But, I get enough takeout at the base. When I’m here, I try to at least attempt real meals.”
She opened the freezer. Rifling through the packages, she found what she was looking for. “How do you feel about lasagna?”
“You’re speaking my language.” He straddled one of the stools at the bar. “Is that homemade?”
She shrugged. “Sometimes I need to keep my hands busy.” Another understatement. A lot of nights, she hummed with nervous energy. It had gotten worse the further along her mother’s disease had progressed.
Preheating the oven, she slipped the aluminum foil covered packet into it. She set the timer on the microwave and then smiled at him. “One night I figured out an issue with the chemical composition of an anti-nausea drug while making bags of fajitas and chicken cacciatore meals.”
He glanced around the kitchen. “I run.”
They were a matched set. She hid and cooked, he ran. As she turned to him, she closed her eyes.
Around her, she only heard one other person in the closest apartments. It was nearly nine at night, and the woman who lived upstairs was watching a sitcom. Her mind was quiet, relaxed. Beth breathed deeply, enjoying the respite from the constant bombardment of thoughts. The only one left was Luke. There was enough uncertainty there, though, to fill the space.
She needed to get to her lab. Her mom didn’t have much time, and she had to find a way to counteract the drug and keep Parker and his minions from becoming an army. But she also needed this. Just a small break with this man. Life was precious, and she wanted to spend some time with him before things got crazier.
And they would.
“Thanks. For coming with me to see my mom,” she offered, opening her eyes. “It was nice to have company for once.” Only after she said it did she realize how true it was. Going alone took an emotional toll.
“You know, there are plenty of people in our office who want to know you, Beth. You could give them a chance.” He ran through the list in his head, including Blue and Kitty.
For him, it was as simple as that. Allow people to know him. He might be having a hard time right now, with all the stuff in his head, but Luke’s natural inclination was to be open with others. He didn’t understand why she had so much difficulty with that.
“People confuse me.” She shrugged. “And I confuse them.” Navigating normal small talk wasn’t easy for her. She said things too bluntly, made others uncomfortable. Now that she could hear their reactions, she had no idea how much harder that would be.
She doesn’t understand. People aren’t confused—they’re intimidated.
“Intimidated?”
He stood, circling the bar. Standing close, he ran a finger along her cheek. The light touch sent a shiver skittering along her, but his gaze held her captive. “You’re smart. Gorgeous. You say exactly what you think, and it might be blunt, but it isn’t malicious. Most people’s inner thoughts are at least partially inappropriate for others. At least mine are. You, though? You are inherently good, and your first inclination is to fix things. It’s refreshing. And it makes everyone feel like they don’t stack up.”
“I don’t want to be better than others. I only want to be my best me.”
“Exactly. That’s exactly it.” The soft circles he traced on her jaw were entrancing. Her eyelids drifted low, and she sighed, enjoying the contact. She never would have expected that she’d relish little touches so much. It was as if after all the years keeping to herself, she hadn’t realized how much she craved physical contact.
“Beth,” his voice was in her ear, low and gravelly. “Can I hold you? Maybe we could stay here for tonight, away from everything at the base. If you wanted to.” Tonight, I’ll pretend that I’m good enough for this talented, brilliant woman.
His assessment of her warmed her stomach, even while she ached at the pain within him.
As she leaned into his arms and breathed his rich smell, she wasn’t thinking about how much he wanted her. His mouth found hers, and she was determined to prove to him what they could be together. He might doubt himself, but she could see into his heart. Luke Kincaid might be struggling with the shitty results of a hard situation, but he was coming out the other side with dignity and grit.
Many would buckle under that weight. She meant to show him how strong he was.
She laced her fingers in his hair, reveling in the softness, so at odds with the steel-willed man she knew. He pulled her closer, tucking her into him, leaning down as she stood on tiptoe.
Why haven’t I kissed her again until now? I should have, whether it was the right time or not.
She pulled back and looked at him. When she spoke, her voice was breathless. “You didn’t kiss me because it wasn’t the right time?”
“The change… Giving you a chance to adapt, to get used to your new situation.” He dropped kisses on her cheek softly, as if he was testing the taste of her. “I thought it would be best to wait until a better time.”
After we take down Parker and Jack. After I redeem myself.
Did he believe that? She shook her head, her chest squeezing. “We’re going to work through this together.” They might be better that way than when they were apart. She grabbed his hand and tugged.
Leading him to the bedroom, she left the overhead light off. It was too garish. She opted for the softer light beside her bed, the one she used to read. Flicking it on, she took a deep breath, and then she removed her shirt, standing in front of him in only her bra and jeans.
He stalled, his eyes darkening. “Beth…” She’s beautiful. He trailed his fingers along her collarbone and then along her shoulders. So soft. “Are you sure?”
He asked the question, and though his mind swirled with desire, he would stop if she asked him. Smiling, she slipped her fingers against his chest. “I would like to feel more of your skin.”
He reached behind him and pulled his thermal shirt over his head with one tug. She forgot to breathe.
She’d caught sight of the stretch of skin across his abs a month or so ago, when his shirt lifted while he reached for something. But this close, the muscles there were cut. She ran her finger along the definition of his six-pack, and he inhaled, groaning. Feminine satisfaction lanced through her, into her breasts and between her legs.
The play of his thoughts—muted now to duller emotions—combined with the look on his face… There was awe and humbleness. Her hands shook and her knees weakened. Reaching behind her, she unsnapped her bra, and when it fell apart, she tossed it on top of the dresser. Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around him.
The contact between her breasts and his chest made her gasp and made him groan. He buried his hands in her hair again, and when he took her mouth this time, it wasn’t as gentle as it had been in the kitchen. This kiss was intense, full of longing, yet it still held the same reverence, the same care. And as his desire ratcheted up, her own followed, and she swayed under it. He absorbed her weight as she leaned into him, lifting her into his arms. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel him.
He walked them backward, still kissing, and they fell onto the bed, tangled together. The delicious rub of his skin against hers made her nipples tighten further, into infinitely sensitive peaks. He shifted to his side so he could play his hands along her rib cage. She inhaled sharply, and when his fingers found a stiffened point, she arched off the bed into his hand.
So responsive. Lovely…
Leaning forward, he covered the tip with his mouth. The stark contrast between the heat of his mouth and the chill in the room made her cry out. He played his lips across her skin, from one breast to the other, and she squirmed, reaching for him. As he sucked and kissed, she touched him, all the warm skin she’d imagined all these months.
When she reached for the button on his jeans, he halted her. “I don’t have a condom, gorgeous.” I didn’t dare believe we’d get here…
The words sounded reverent and apologetic, but more, they made her wonder if they’d been about to go that far.
They had, she decided. She wanted to sleep with him. More than anything.
Now, she took a deep breath, forcing reality to resurface in the midst of her mental chaos. She reached for him again. “That’s okay. I’ve wanted to touch you for longer than I’d like to admit. There’ll be other times for that.”
He covered her hand with his, and his eyes met hers in the soft light. The wonder there tightened her throat. Does she mean that? Does she know what she’s doing? She doesn’t have to…
She laughed, his concerns so endearing. “I know what I’m doing. Trust me.”
Pressing the palms of her hands into his chest, she coaxed him onto his back. Kneeling, she blew her bangs out of her eyes before unfastening his button and tugging the zipper down. Her hands were unsteady, and it made the task more difficult than she would have liked. He tilted his hips up, and together they wiggled him out of his pants.
As she tugged them off his feet, she gazed up his body, completely naked, and she sighed. He was gorgeous, as perfectly built as she’d imagined all those times in her office down the hall, all those nights alone here in her bed.
Don’t deserve this…
Tenderness washed over her. He was so much better than he knew.
She smoothed her hands along his thighs until she cupped him. He jerked under her touch. She didn’t give him time to over think, but crawled up his body and covered the length of him with her mouth.
He groaned, and as she watched, his eyes closed and his head fell backward. She would have smiled if her mouth hadn’t been busy.
Beth wasn’t experienced with this sort of sexual interaction. She’d given a blow job once before—because the man she’d been with had been so adamant, and she’d been curious, so she’d agreed. The entire experience had been lackluster at best and yucky at worst.
Now, though, crouched over Luke? His face was blissed out, his fingers digging into the comforter on her bed. The muscles on his arms, his chest, his thighs, all of them were tensed. She was doing that, making him feel all of that. Those were all quantitative measurements of his desire for her, and he wasn’t hiding any of it.
Watching it all made her own ache that much sharper.
She played him the best she could. Before she could finish, though, he pulled back, coaxing her up to sit in front of him. “No, baby. Let me…” I can’t wait any longer to feel her, taste her.
Her head still spinning, she worried that she’d done something wrong, but his overwhelming desire to touch her, to give her pleasure, soothed her concerns. He dropped a soft kiss on her temple, positioning her between his legs.
Coaxing her to lean against his chest, facing away, he pressed his thumbs into the muscles on her neck.
She groaned, and with a little more effort from him, and another minute of manipulation, she softened against him and allowed him to take her away.
…
This woman… Her capacity to give, to reach out, it was breathtaking. That she hid it from everyone else except him was completely humbling.
Luke pressed into the knots he found in her neck, working his way across her shoulder blades. He had watched her earlier, stretching in the gym. He’d pushed her too hard, and she was stressed out, frazzled. Now that she was changed, she would be out in the field, fighting. There were only so many of them, and he didn’t delude himself into think that Martins wouldn’t use her to their advantage.
The absolute terror that brought him, thinking she could be harmed… It had driven him hard, blinded him to what she really needed.
Determined to make it up to her now, he used his thumbs to ease out the tension in her. His fingers slid up her neck into her hair. She tilted her head back, and he rubbed circles along her scalp. He ducked his head, breathing her in. Again, the calm he got, only with her, overtook him and humble him. Closing his eyes, memorizing the curves of her, he acknowledged that there would never be a time he wouldn’t want to be here, next to her. No one had ever made her feel like this, and he was absolutely certain no one else ever would.
Letting himself enjoy soothing her, he tried to show her what he couldn’t say: that he found her remarkable.
For that moment, he allowed himself to pretend he was the person she thought he was.
Her entire body had gone slack in his arms, and he continued to massage…soft pressure along her forehead and down the smooth skin of her face. Her head rested against his chest, and he gazed down the length of her. God, she was an eyeful. He was hard and aching again, the vision of her enough to send desire pounding through every corner of his body.
She still wore her jeans, but her breasts were exposed. As he smoothed his fingers over her neck, he couldn’t resist the urge to run his thumbs along her sides. She shivered.
Encouraged, he shifted, hoisting himself from behind her and moving to stand next to the bed. A quick flick had her fly open, and he shimmied her jeans down her legs. When she was naked, he hitched her legs up, bending her knees, and settled between her thighs.
Lust poured through him and heat washed over his skin, but he tamped it down. This was about her, not what was zinging through him.
He never expected that he would get as much from giving to her as he got from enjoying her ministrations. Yet, when his lips lowered to her and she gasped, straining into his mouth, he felt that soft inhale deep in his bones. He smiled, leaning closer to taste all of her.
Closing his eyes, he reined in everything but his focus on her. His brain buzzed as he smoothed his hands along the inside of her thighs. Listening to her breaths, feeling her tension, he was heady with her.
He traced his tongue and mouth along the soft flesh at her center, allowing every bit of how much he enjoyed it to flicker through his mind. Maybe that way she could feel a little bit of how much this meant to him.
How he wasn’t sure he’d ever get enough.
When she fell apart, he reverently held her, sorry it had ended, immediately wanting more. Of her, of this.
When they left this room, it was all waiting out there for them. Parker and Jack…they were still out there. He needed to take them down, and when the time came, he would need to do whatever had to be done to make sure they didn’t hurt anyone else again.
It would be dangerous. Right now, he couldn’t see past that point. He wondered if there was a future for him beyond that.
As her eyes opened, he found hope there, and it pulled at him. He wanted to fall into that, to believe that this, these moments, would be enough. That they were the light when so much was darkness.
But he didn’t know.
She shuffled forward, pulling him up and wrapping him into her arms. She tucked her head under his chin and planted a kiss on his chest.
She was trying to tell him it would be okay. He didn’t need mindreading to figure that out. He didn’t know, though, if he believed her.
He could try. He would try.
He closed his eyes, and they sat there, folded into each other’s arms for long, quiet minutes, and for a second, he allowed himself to be there, present, in the moment.
A ding from his phone interrupted the peace. He pulled away, reaching over to fumble in the pocket of his jeans.
The text chilled him, chasing away his burgeoning hope.
TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE AT ALL TIMES
Come soon.
Then there was a map, with a pinpoint marked.
He looked at Beth and found the fear on her face mirrored his.
“It’s Jack,” she whispered.
“Yeah.” He swept to his feet, snagging his clothes off the floor. “We have to go.”