Chapter 11
Adrian
Owen kept glancing over at me as he drove, weaving his way through the traffic with ease. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. Dinner had been nothing like I’d expected, but it had been everything I could have imagined if I’d let myself see him that way before. It had been the sexiest date ever.
But did he see it as a date?
The teasing remarks that hinted at me putting out or at least kissing him if it was had made butterflies swarm inside me. Had he just been messing with me? I wanted to ask, but that would either make things more awkward or just make me look stupid. He had to have been teasing, right?
“I had a good time at dinner.”
It wasn’t much but at least it filled the weird silence.
“Me too,” Owen said, and his voice was more subdued than usual at first. As though he’d never let his usual cheerfulness slip, he continued with a smirk, “You make a great date.”
Teasing or serious? Teasing to see if I was serious?
“Most of my dates haven’t worked out that great, so being able to hang out with you was nice.” So was flirting with him — not that I thought I'd done a good job at it. Was it really flirting when you weren't even sure the other person saw you as someone who was dateable?
“Well, women have all sorts of expectations. Men are different.” Owen flashed me a grin. “Not that I’ve never had a shitty date with a guy, but those are usually a little better. So of course it was better than going out with a girl.”
I wasn’t sure if one gender was actually easier to deal with than the other. “I don’t know… They’ve both been hard. Girls are hard to read, but guys expect you to know exactly what you want.” Shrugging, I looked out the side window. “When you don’t really know, that seems to piss some of them off.”
Owen paused then arched a brow. “My, my, big brother. You’re playing for both teams now? Or are you just experimenting? Seems like there are a lot of things you’re willing to try these days.”
I couldn’t tell if he was teasing me or making fun of me.
Owen liked guys though, so he was probably just teasing… Right?
“Um, I don’t like the phrase experimenting. It sounds like I’m a lab rat or monkey or something. I guess I’m just trying to figure things out.” Owen looked back at the windshield. The almost sarcastic expression on his face was gone, so I kept going, “Dating girls is only okay, so I thought that might mean I was gay, but that didn’t go much better. So I’m not sure now.”
“Hmm.” Owen didn’t look at me.
I could see the reflection of his face, though, and he wasn’t grinning anymore. It wasn’t until he looked back at me that the smirk was firmly planted back on his lips, and it made me wonder why he thought he had to do that.
“Bisexuality, pansexuality, and all the other -ities are all there to make it so we don’t really have to decide one way or the other,” he pointed out, shrugging. “Well, all the -ties except titties, which I’m not even remotely interested in.”
I’d never given the other descriptions much thought. Maybe I should have. Maybe that would have helped me to understand why all I could think about was whether I was going to get a good night kiss from my brother.
“I’m not sure I need more research right now. I kind of have my hands full.”
His grin widened, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I hadn’t been trying to be funny. Figuring out all the puppy play stuff and everything I was feeling when I looked at him was hard enough.
I shrugged, not sure what to say. Did he think I was ridiculous?
“Well, at least you don’t have far to go,” he drawled. At first, I thought he meant the house we were pulling up to, but he went on, “We’re already… researching puppy play. No reason not to ‘research,’” he made air quotes with his fingers, “a few other things while we’re at it.”
It was like we weren’t brothers.
How did he see me? As a brother? It should’ve been obvious, considering the way he always acted like he resented me. And yet… that comment was not one I’d have expected from my sibling.
Was it weird that it got the butterflies going again? “You’d help me figure out what… what felt right? I mean, the puppy stuff is one thing, but that…”
Did he really understand what he was offering?
I wasn’t sure if being even more honest was the best way to go or not, but I had a feeling that if I offered anything less, I’d miss my chance — though what chance that was, I wasn’t sure.
“I liked kissing a guy I dated.” That wasn’t hard.
Owen gave me a side glance then went back to focusing on the road.
“He wanted me to… well, top him, but that just seemed… wrong. I just don’t know why.” Explaining it made me sound weird, even I could see that. The internet said you didn’t have to do anal stuff even if you were gay, but I wasn’t so sure what my reactions meant.
“Sure, I can help,” he said. “It’s not like I don’t have plenty of experience,” he pointed out, but instead of the dry humor I’d expected, there was a slight hesitation to his words. “I can be your teacher.”
What was I supposed to make of that? What was he making of that?
I didn't want to be alone forever. Watching everyone pair up and knowing that even if I tried, it wouldn’t feel right was hard. Pushing aside everything about who he really was to me and just focusing on the rest, I still wasn’t sure.
“What if I’m… What if I’m just not… What if it’s…” I wasn’t even sure how to put all the things that were running through my head into words. Trying to simplify things, I took a deep breath. “I don’t even know how to start.”
“It’d be boring if you did,” Owen pointed out as the car came to a stop in our driveway. “You still have time, Adri. We both do. May as well enjoy the journey.”
He made it sound so easy when it was anything but. I wasn’t sure I knew how to just enjoy it, how to let go like he seemed to be able to do. I always felt like I was limited by how I was supposed to act. Even the idea of stepping out of that was terrifying.
Maybe it was the darkness of the car that made the words slip out, or maybe it was the date and everything he’d said, but I blurted out, “What if I enjoy it too much?”
I held my breath. Did he understand what I was afraid of?
“Then you deal with it,” he answered so quickly that I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t understand or if he’d already thought about it and made a decision. “One day at a time, and you enjoy what you have while it’s there.”
“You won’t hate me?” My voice sounded ragged even to my ears. “After we… If you touch… You won’t hate me again?”
Owen took in a deep, slow breath, and I was finally sure he understood. I’d half-expected some shocked exclamation or for the realization to drive him away, but it didn’t. “I’ve never hated you. I couldn’t ever hate you.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I wasn’t going to push him — not about that anyway. “So if I asked you for a kiss, you wouldn’t hate me tomorrow, and you wouldn’t avoid me because you thought I was…” I wasn’t even sure how to describe it, “a freak?”
“If you always ask your dates if you think you’d be a freak for wanting to kiss them, no wonder you haven’t had good dates,” Owen said flippantly. It was as exasperating as it was endearing, the way he avoided the question — the way I realized he was giving the answer in his own way.
“I’ve never wanted to kiss my dates the way I do with you. And I’ve never wanted my dates to… I don’t even know how to explain it, to take charge like I want you to. I always thought it was supposed to be equal or me taking control of a situation.” I wasn’t sure how to explain everything I was feeling at that moment. I wanted the guy I’d been on the date with to kiss me, and I wanted the master who’d played with me and touched me to do even more than that.
“Oh, you haven’t seemed too interested in taking charge,” Owen said softly. “You seem to like letting go for a little bit.” And it was the closest declaration to mutual interest he’d offered. “But it would be nice if you took charge a little bit…”
How much was a little?
It felt like we were at the top of a mountain and I had to decide whether to jump or go back down the way I’d come, and I didn’t know if I had the courage to do it. Maybe I couldn’t jump, but I could step closer to the edge and show him I was trying.
Reaching out, I extended my hand across the car. He watched it out of the corner of his eye as it went over the console in the middle. I wasn’t sure if he was even breathing, and I wasn’t sure what the hell I was even doing, but I let my hand take his.
It looked cool and detached where it rested on his leg, but as I felt the heat from his body and the smooth feeling of the fabric covering his skin, I could also feel the little shivers that were running through him.
How much was enough?
His thigh was more muscular than I would have expected. The rock-hard muscles made my fingers itch to explore more, but I wasn’t even sure what he thought about the one simple touch. Taking it another step forward seemed almost impossible. I needed his help, but I didn't know how to ask for it.
I never knew how to ask for it.
“What do you want?” Owen asked. His voice was soft, yet there was an edge of that firmness I associated with Master. It made me weak in the knees, made me please him just to see him smile at me…
“I don’t know.” The words came out low and felt desperate. “I want more of what we had before, when you touched me and everything was simple. I didn’t have to think, and it felt more right than anything else ever has.”
Owen swallowed hard, his expression more vulnerable than I’d even thought he was capable of showing. “You know what you want, Adri,” he said more quietly then. “And I need you to tell me. I need to know I’m not just… barreling over you, that you’re not just…” He made a helpless wave of his hand. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to do this with me, just because I’m…” He let out a short laugh. “I don’t even know, Adri, but I don’t want you to regret anything.”
How could I regret what had been the most incredible experience of my life?
“I couldn’t regret anything with you unless it ended up chasing you away.” I closed my eyes and leaned back in the seat, closing my eyes. Squeezing his hand tight, I tried to think of how to explain it. “No one has ever looked at me like that, like I was special and they wanted to take me in their arms. Everyone’s always had such specific expectations, and I never got to be me. You make me feel like I can be me. I just need help figuring out what that means. The only thing I really know is that I can’t see taking that journey with anyone else, and I want you as my master. When I was a pup, everything was perfect just for those few minutes, and I want more of that. But I want it with you.”
Please, god, let that be enough.
It stayed too quiet for too long. I peeked over to see what he was doing. Owen wet his lips with his tongue, but I’d apparently shocked him into silence — which wasn’t something I’d really thought was possible. It would’ve been amusing if I hadn’t been so afraid, if my hand hadn’t been sweaty where it rested on his leg.
“Show me,” he said. The subtle command in his voice sent a shiver through me.
“Once I show you,” whatever that would turn out to mean, “then you’ll take control? Like it was before, but just… now… like this.”
“Yes.”
That one word made the butterflies feel like a hurricane was taking shape inside me. The excitement and nervous energy just kept building until it was overwhelming.
Was this what people meant? Was this insane feeling what they meant when they talked about the excitement and the crazy things that happened to them when they wanted someone?
Keeping the panicked grip on his hand, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I prayed to whatever god was listening that he wouldn't hate me for this, then opened them to look at Owen.
Master.
Just staring at him and seeing his strength, his confidence, the tattoos peeking out from under his shirt, gave me the courage to turn in my seat and stop holding everything back. Reaching across the car, I traced the tattoos on his arm.
His hot skin and the strangely silky feel of the tattoo made my fingers itch to explore more. This time, I didn't stop them. I traced around the shapes and over the lines, loving the way his body shivered under my touch.
Whatever we were doing, he was just as affected as I was.
When I reached the sleeve of his shirt, I glanced up at him, feeling more confident. “Can I touch all of them some day? I’ve never gotten a chance to explore the others.”
His breathing came faster when I spoke, and he jerked his head in a nod. “Every single one,” he promised. There was a wicked cast to his smile then, which was more like the Owen I knew. He was somewhere between Master and someone I was just starting to get to know again.
He leaned in a little closer, smoothing his fingers through my hair with as much care as if he were touching an empty eggshell and he was afraid it might buckle beneath his touch… just like the ones we’d made that one year, when we’d learned to fill the things with confetti and make it look like they’d never been filled with anything else.
It had been one of the things we’d done together, and it was such a bizarre memory to pop up right then.
“Is that all I can touch?” I’d never wanted to explore anyone else like I did him.
He smiled, impish but also a little indulgent. “Anything you want. But first, I think you owe me a good night kiss.”
Then he took my breath away. He leaned in close and his lips touched mine — gently, tenderly, like I was precious and special.
He was breathless when he pulled back, but his expression was serious. “I think it’s time for us to get a little more of your research done, Adri,” he said softly. “Go to your bedroom and get your collar, leash, toy, the tail, and lube ready,” he ordered me, in that tone that meant he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
Well, I knew deep down in my bones he would if I called a stop to this, but if I did, I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to get to this point again.
“And get undressed.”
Everything should have been hard. It should’ve been impossible to make the decision but really, it didn’t feel like there was anything to decide. “Yes… Master?”
He’d never really said how he felt about that, but he hadn’t said no. Was that permission? He was Master to me in the moments when he took charge.
His breath caught, and he let it out in a shaky exhale. He nodded, biting his bottom lip, then gathered himself. “Good pup,” he praised.
I wanted more of that. I wanted to hear him say those words over and over. I opened the car door and got out, and my knees were weak enough to where I had to lean against the vehicle for a moment. He got out as well, and the feeling of his gaze on me was so hot that I almost faltered all over again.
“Pup?” he asked, his voice that gentle but firm cadence I was associating with Master. “Be my good boy. Go.”
I wanted to be his good boy. I wanted to be his good pup. Admitting that not only to myself but to him as well made me feel like the weight of the world had been taken off my shoulders.
“Yes, Master.”
So insane.
So hot.
Taking a deep breath, I headed for the house. Putting one step in front of the other made it simple. I wasn’t going to think about what would happen. I wasn’t going to worry about what he would think or how it would feel. I was just going to let it happen.
I was going to let Master take charge.