In the end, I have to take money from Andrew. When they drew up the divorce papers, he and his lawyer worked out a figure that was deemed more than adequate compensation for our five-year marriage. If you’re wondering, it was $500,000. To Andrew, that’s pennies. To me, that’s half a million dollars. Half a million shirts I don’t have to fold. Half a million plates I don’t have to wash. Still, I would have turned the money down altogether, but my lawyer made it clear that the quickest way forward would be to agree to their terms and move on. If I wanted to decline the money, I’d have to draft a new set of documents and pay the requisite legal fees. I don’t exactly have money to burn at the moment, so…fine, whatever. I’ll take it.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ll do with the money, but it’s obvious, really. The second it’s deposited in my account, I’ll be donating to three different women’s shelters around Central Texas, the region I’m happy to call my new home. I know I could use the money to pad my savings account or buy a house or start a business, but it doesn’t feel right—not only because I don’t want Andrew’s dirty money anywhere near me, but also because I don’t need that money. Most women in these shelters have no one by their side. I know how that feels. I was there once not long ago, and if my money can help lighten their load even a little, I’m more than happy to send it their way. Also, in case you think I’m doing it for completely selfless reasons, I also get a kick out of the fact that Andrew’s money is going to help these women. He’d hate it. He doesn’t have a philanthropic bone in this body.

Anyway, the fact that I’m giving his money to those women makes me smile at least twice a day. If I didn’t want to leave well enough alone, I’d ask the organizations to each build a new wing: The Andrew Wilchester Shelter for Women Escaping From Andrew Wilchester. Who knows, I still might. It’s not like his rage can hurt me anymore because—*cue confetti drop*—our divorce was finalized today.

I got a call from my lawyer at 1:35 PM and I sank down to the floor then wept like a little baby. It was totally unexpected. If someone had asked how I would react when I got that call, I would have assumed I’d pop some champagne, blast Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies”, and dance until I got a cramp in my side. Instead, I crumbled into a heap of tears and snot. It was like when Frodo finally dropped that damn ring into the fire after three long-ass books full of trouble for himself: It’s over. It’s done.

There was no way to pinpoint the exact source of my tears. It was relief, of course, but there were also conflicting, strange emotions like fear and anger and pity. I cried for the younger version of myself, the naive girl who fell in love with a monster. I cried for the fact that I’d wasted five good years in a manipulative marriage before I finally had the courage to leave. I cried because even though I want to be independent and in control of my future, a part of me is still scared I won’t be able to do it. I also cried because I’m scared of the scars. I don’t want this to harden my heart. I want to learn from my mistakes without swearing off love altogether. I want to make my own money and pave my own path without assuming that leaning on a partner makes me weak, stupid, or crippled.

Even after my ordeal, I still believe in the power of love, and maybe I owe that to Jack. I wonder if I’d still be so reluctant to shun love if I wasn’t currently in love.

An objective observer would say it’s too soon. They would purse lips and cross arms, admonishing me for even considering love at a time like this. They would declare that I should be single for exactly one year and one day and not a moment sooner, that I must take time for self-discovery (Have you read Eat, Pray, Love?!) before I even consider opening my heart to another man. If this were the 1850s, they would demand I wear mourning black out in public and shun all social engagements.

I get it. I really do. It would be great if life worked like that. How convenient would it be to meet someone special at the exact right time it was deemed socially acceptable?

The truth is, life introduced me to Jack less than 24 hours after I left Andrew. Insane, I know, and sure, at the time, I didn’t see him as a potential love interest. In fact, given the choice between lover and potential murderer, I would have put money on the latter.

But the great thing about my life is that it’s my life, not their life. If they think I should let my heart turn to stone, that’s okay. They can think that, but I’ll be over here, accepting love at face value. It’s simple if you don’t think too hard. I want to love Jack, fiercely, naively, and just as strongly as if love had never burned me in the past, because the alternative? Turning into a miserable shrew? Yeah, hard pass on that.

Today is a big day, not just because my divorce is finalized, but because I’m going to see Helen. She and Brent returned from Europe earlier in the week and they’re hosting a small dinner party to show off the renovations on their house. I’ve been nervous about it since she first invited me, planning and re-planning my outfit five different times. She and I have talked a bit over the last few weeks, but it’s been surface-level bullshit, the stuff I hate. Tonight will be different. I wrote her a long letter, and I mean long. It’s 10 pages, front and back. In it, I apologized for my mistakes and outlined exactly what I want for our future. I could vomit just thinking about it. It might seem strange. She’s my sister, but we’ve never really been sisters. I want to give it a try. I’m basically handing her my heart and openly declaring that even though we each have plenty of reasons to be bitter, we deserve more than that. I want us to be close and confide in one another. I want her in my life from here on out.

I told Jack about the letter the other day.

“It’s ten pages.”

“Are you going to bind it in paperback or hardback?”

I shoved him. “It’s long because I had a lot to say!”

He laughed. Hopefully Helen doesn’t laugh.

I have my work cut out for me. Our relationship is damaged with a capital D. Andrew was a wedge between us, along with distance, deep-seated jealousy, and the ten-year age gap. Now, I’m going to be the glue—sticky, annoying, and resilient. She is going to love me because she has no other choice. That’s the plan.

Edith and I ride together to Helen’s house; Jack had to run over to the restaurant first so he’s meeting us there. I’m quiet in the car, cradling the letter on my lap. Edith asks me if I’m nervous and I reply with a noncommittal grunt. Truthfully, yes, I’m either nervous or my stomach has stopped working. I couldn’t manage food all day, and my hands are shaking. I tell Edith we should keep circling the block as we pull up out front.

“I grew up in the wake of the Depression—I’m not wasting gas,” she says before parking.

Edith isn’t an enabler, and that’s a good thing. She gives me the kick in the ass I need, both in the car and midway up the path when I turn back and tell her I left something at the farmhouse. She grabs ahold of my dress and tugs me all the way to the front door.

When it’s swept open, it’s like I’m seeing my sister for the first time in five years. Her light brown hair is trimmed short, just below her chin. Her simple wrap dress accentuates her curves and her glowing skin. I’m glad to see she looks happy.

I hold up the bouquet we picked up on the way—sunflowers. I remember she used to love them when she was younger, and I tell her so. She smiles.

“They’re still my favorite.”

I’m pleasantly surprised to see Daniel and Leanna along with a few other guests in the living room. Helen introduces me as her baby sister, and maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I think I can almost detect pride in her voice. After I wave to the room at large, I follow Helen into the kitchen.

“Can I help with anything?”

She’s got her hands full finishing up dinner and I really hope she says yes, because this is so awkward and I have nothing to do with my hands. I can’t keep wringing them out. I try crossing my arms, but then I seem tense. I prop one on my hip and try to act natural.

“Sure, can you put those flowers in water? There’s a vase in that cabinet over there.”

As I trim and arrange them, she tells me about Europe. She says it was the trip of a lifetime, but she and Brent are both happy to be back home.

“We walked a ton, but I still gained ten pounds. It’s all those damn croissants! I think I ate six a day. Starting tomorrow, Brent and I are going on a diet.”

“I think you look great. You have that post-travel glow. But, if you want, I have a few healthy recipes I’ve been making for Jack and Edith lately. I can write them down for you.”

After we finish talking about her trip, we’re silent for a few minutes as she puts me to work mixing up the salad ingredients. We have things to talk about. The letter is burning a hole in my purse and I know she knows about the divorce. I mentioned it the other day in a text.

“Have you heard from Andrew lately?” I ask.

“Didn’t I tell you I blocked his number?”

She says it so casually that I don’t think I hear her right.

“What?”

She glances over her shoulder. “Yeah. After Jack told me what happened when he came down to Texas, I blocked his ass.”

Wow. Um, okay.

Talk about the end of an era.

I’m so shocked, I have nothing to say, so I apologize. “I’m sorry about…well, everything.”

She sets down the spoon she was using to stir the pasta. “Please don’t apologize, okay? I didn’t want to get into this tonight, not with everyone here, but—” She breaks eye contact and glances away, taking a deep breath. “I was so wrong about…a lot actually.” I hold stock-still as she continues. “This situation has been hard for me to navigate. I’ve always wanted the best for you, and I thought that meant staying with Andrew. You have to understand, Meredith”—her voice cracks—“I thought you were happy. I really did.”

I’m around the island and pulling her into a hug before she can even finish.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry too. Had I not cut you out of my life, you would have known. You would have believed me.” I pull back and try on a big smile. It feels tight and awkward. “Let’s get coffee this week, yeah? You and me? I have a letter to give you, but I’ll wait and give it to you then. I don’t want to make you cry at your dinner party.”

She laughs and shakes her head, drying her eyes with the back of her hand. “I swore I wouldn’t cry when I saw you, but it just feels so strange to have you here in Cedar Creek. I still can’t believe you’re actually staying.”

“I really like it here.”

“I’m glad. I never imagined you and I would live this close to one another again.”

After we pull ourselves together, we go back to prepping dinner and don’t talk about anything too heavy. She tells me she’s excited to go back to work on Monday.

“I know it seems weird, but I actually missed it.”

I laugh. “Well Jack definitely missed you too. He’s been counting down the days until you get back.”

She smiles. “Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. I work mainly from home and I go out to the ranch a couple times a week for meetings, but you live there! God, you must be so sick of him by the end of the day.”

“Oh, umm…”

Yeah…Helen doesn’t know about Jack and me, mostly because we’ve only been officially dating for a month, and also because I’m scared of what she’ll say when she does find out. A part of me fears she’ll be quick to judge me.

I even tried to strategize with Jack about this dinner party last night. I was lying with him on the couch while we pretended to watch TV. Really, we were making out with one ear perked for Edith’s car. His hands were underneath my bra and mine were working on the zipper of his jeans. We’ve been like that lately—hot and heavy—and it’s driving me crazy. Jack has kept us safely tucked away in the foreplay zone. No sex, because there’s apparently no rush. He doesn’t want to take advantage of me—OF ME! Is he kidding?! I’m about to march down to the barn to find some rope so I can tie him to my bed and take advantage of him! No amount of convincing on my part will work either. He has it in his head that he needs to work us up to that point slowly, tortuously. I am insistent. I look him square in the eyes and say plainly, “Jack, I want it.” The other day, I wrote it on a sticky note and slapped it on his computer screen: SEX @ TONIGHT. I even drew two anatomically correct stick figures in case he needed a visual. It didn’t work.

Anyway, last night, I tried to talk to him about the dinner party in between kisses.

“Should we act like we aren’t dating?”

“No.”

“Okay, but Helen doesn’t know about us. Should we tone it down a little?”

As it is, our touchy-feely lovey-doveyness brings Edith to the brink of nausea at least once a day. I don’t want to make Helen feel that way too.

“You’re overthinking things.”

Men, seriously. I’m ‘overthinking things’? Doesn’t he realize this is a fragile situation? Doesn’t he realize I’m trying to mend my relationship with Helen and we need to handle this with tact or everything could blow up in our face?

That’s why when Helen says, “You must be so sick of him by the end of the day,” my answer is, “Oh, umm…”

She doesn’t even notice my fumbling, but now my nerves are stronger than ever. We can’t do this. I can’t date Jack. I’ll just break it off with him and then I’ll never have to tell Helen, and sure I really think I love him, but there are other fish in the sea and lots more cowboys where he came from. Phew, glad that’s settled.

“Jack!” someone shouts in the living room, and the subject of all of my fantasies has just arrived. I can hear him greeting guests in the other room with that husky, deep voice, and my heart is a fluttering little mess. My hands are shaking so badly, I have to stop chopping carrots.

Helen smiles. “Oh, Jack’s here!”

I keep my mouth zipped shut. The only reaction that won’t give us away is a non-reaction.

When I don’t move, she quirks a brow. “Aren’t you going to go say hi?”

I reply like this: “Oh…hmm…um…yeah…ha!”

She looks at me like I’ve just suffered a stroke in her kitchen, and then Mr. Sexy Cowboy walks through the doorway and all my well-planned tact flies straight out the window because he’s so handsome, my mouth waters.

“There you are,” he says with a smile.

Helen glances between us like she’s confused. I try for the same expression. Yes, I know, Helen—why is he looking at me like he’s seen my panties up close and personal? So strange!

Jack isn’t having it. He marches right up to me, bends down, and presses a kiss to my lips. My knees buckle a little. When he’s made his point, he pulls back, wraps his hand around my waist, and turns us to face Helen.

“Helen, your sister was worried about telling you that we’re dating, but you know I’ve always preferred to be direct.”

Oh.

My.

God.

I drop my face into my hands.

“Wait…what?!” she exclaims.

What a fun way to die—of pure mortification, right in the middle of my sister’s newly remodeled kitchen.

“For how long?”

“Oh, I don’t know…a month?” Jack answers nonchalantly.

She doesn’t exactly sound upset, which gives me enough courage to glance up at her. Her hand is on her mouth and her eyes are welling up with some fluid that looks a lot like tears.

I cringe and rush toward her to grab her shoulders so she’s forced to listen to me. “I swear this is as unexpected to me as it is to you. I hated him when I first moved here!”

Jack nods. “It’s true. I was a real asshole. Also, she wasn’t exactly the ideal hire.”

“But then we sort of became friends?” I look to him for help. “Right? I don’t know.”

“No, it’s been more than that on my end for a while—since the rope swing.”

My mouth drops open. “Even then?”

He shrugs, all confident and unruffled by this obviously awkward conversation.

Wow. Okay.

Then, in the most shocking turn of events, Helen yanks a towel off the counter and rushes over to pop Jack’s bicep.

“Jack McKnight! I asked you to help my little sister get back on her own two feet, not to leg-sweep her into your damn bed!”

She winds up the towel again, but he’s learned his lesson and moves out of the way before she gets him again.

He holds up his hands in defense. “I did help her!”

“You better not be taking advantage of her,” she snaps with a protective tone.

I blush a dark red. “Believe me, he’s not.”

Jack grins at that, which only pisses Helen off more. She’s really going to bat for me, which is definitely a new thing. I like it.

It takes a bit more convincing before Helen will calm down and stop growling at him about dating “her baby sister”, but she does eventually come around. In fact, she tears up she’s so happy for us.

“You two—” she sniffles. “I can’t believe it. If you’d asked me before, I would have said it’d never work, but now that I see you together, it makes perfect sense.” She’s shaking her head. “Jesus! What else are you going to surprise me with?! You two aren’t engaged are you? Oh my god, am I going to be an aunt?!”

I don’t bother telling her it’s actually impossible for me to be pregnant at the moment. Instead, I laugh and shake my head. “I swear this is it. No more surprises.”

After that, the rest of the night is a whirlwind. Jack and I sit beside each other during dinner and though I’d like to crawl over and sit in his lap, I resist and am a very good dinner guest. I keep my hands to myself, even when, as Helen serves dessert and we’re all sipping coffee, Jack leans back and drops his arm on the back of my chair. I want to reach over and touch his thigh, but I don’t trust myself. My libido has a hair-pin trigger at this point. Sure, I’ve had orgasms, and don’t get me wrong, they’ve been W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L, but there’s something missing, something I want even more—something I’ve decided I’m finished waiting for.