Sasha

 

Sacha felt calm. Parker had been relatively quiet since they’d moved their things from Seth’s house to the bed and breakfast. Maybe Zeke had said something; maybe Parker had realized that Sacha could fight his own battles.

This wasn’t a battle, though. No, nothing like one. This was Sacha being patient, waiting for the right moment, attempting not to panic. Hoping he had it right. Seth had gotten scared, maybe even terrified. Sacha should have realized he had been scared almost since they had met, but he’d hidden it well. It was entirely possible Seth didn’t realize he was scared until the moment when Pearl had commented on their relationship.

Regardless, Sacha was moving forward. What Seth couldn’t admit with words, he said with his body. With the way Sacha had seen Seth looking at him unawares, like he was stunned by Sacha’s existence. Like he couldn’t believe Sacha was with him.

Once he’d heard the story about Seth’s mom, Sacha should have known Seth would try to push him away. Seth’s early life lessons had been similar to Sacha’s own, which made it easier for Sacha to understand what Seth was going through. But Sacha had always been surrounded by a band of cohorts. Whether on the streets of Sarajevo or Kansas City, in the military, or as a law enforcement officer.

Driving over from Joey’s and finding Seth’s house empty had scared the shit out of Sacha. The nap at Joey’s, drifting in and out, thinking about grand gestures, had left him more pensive than rested. God damn Joey. Sacha needed, more than anything, for Seth to understand that everything Sacha was saying with his body, with kisses and caresses, was his way of accepting the both of them together—and he was playing for keeps.

In the real world, words needed to be said out loud. Sacha just needed to figure out the right ones. The ones that would help Seth understand that this wasn’t some sort of fling for him. That by outing himself, even to people who didn’t care, like Pearl and Owen, Sacha was making a commitment. He needed words to express himself, words that wouldn’t make Seth run away.

Pulling out his cell phone to call and find out where—how far—Seth had run was one of the harder things Sacha had ever made himself do. His relief when Seth said he was with Micah left him dizzy.

He arrived at Micah and Adam’s before Micah and Seth returned. By the time they pulled to a stop in front of the house, Sacha was a mess but determined. Micah said a quick hello before disappearing inside.

“Hey.” Seth walked over to where Sacha was waiting.

“Hey.”

“Micah took me for a drive; I needed a good talking to, I guess.”

Sacha quirked an eyebrow, and Seth grimaced. “My messed-up head.”

“I don’t think you’re the only one.”

They got in Sacha’s truck, and he headed toward downtown. Soon enough Seth would figure out where they were going. He had no idea what day of the week it was; traffic was light. It could have been the weekend, or there could have been an evacuation warning, either one. Today would be the day he wooed Seth.

Stretching his hand across the console without looking, he laid it, palm up, in Seth’s lap. A few seconds passed, ones where he dared not glance over to the passenger seat. Finally, Seth took Sacha’s hand in his own, squeezing it slightly. He let out a little sigh, and Sacha risked a look. Seth’s eyes were shut, his head lying against the headrest.

When they arrived at the Warrick, Seth’s eyes were still closed. Sacha thought he saw him shudder.

“Are you okay?”

Seth turned his head and opened his eyes. His open gaze slayed Sacha. Seth was letting Sacha see inside. See where he was vulnerable, where hurt lurked, where a little boy had been abandoned and never quite gotten a foothold on life again.

“Um, were you crying?” A dried tear track was clearly visible near the corner of one eye.

“A little, I guess. I feel stupid.”

“Why?”

“I outsmarted myself.” He laughed grimly. “I thought I was so smart, had everything figured out. Turns out I am a hot mess.”

“As long as you’re my hot mess.”

“What?” Seth’s eyes opened comically wide.

“You heard me.”

Seth responded with an inarticulate sputter that Sacha chose to translate into “Yes,” because he didn’t argue, and when Sacha came around to meet him on the sidewalk Seth waited for him instead of running off… though Sacha thought it was probably a close thing.

The electrical work was starting sooner than expected. Luckily for Sacha’s plan, the contractors would be starting upstairs. Sacha unlocked the front door and ushered Seth in with a hand at his back, hoping there had been enough time.

Seth released a quiet gasp. Because, yeah, Joey had come through. Lacking any other grand gesture, Sacha had decided to treat Seth like he was something special. Because he was. Seth had barreled into Sacha’s world changing it for the better, forever.

Even if—which he fucking hoped wasn’t the case—he and Seth couldn’t make it as a couple, Seth had turned Sacha’s world upside down. There was no going back for him now.

In the late afternoon light, the plants Joey (and most likely Buck) had brought in looked incredible. It looked like someone had robbed an entire nursery. There were blooms in all shades: purple, blue, yellow, orange. Sacha had no idea what most of them were; he was extraordinarily pleased Joey had been able to create a secret garden inside the Warrick. They’d even gone so far as to find a little metal café table and two chairs in the shade of blue Seth had pointed out a few days earlier in Winthrop.

“How did you… wha—? How?” Seth choked out.

“Friends in high places.”

Seth made a strangled sound, twisting around and hiding his face against Sacha’s neck. Great sobs escaped him. Sacha would have been worried except for how tight he was holding on. As if Sacha alone was keeping him tethered to the earth. Sacha would be that man, the one Seth used to hold on. Seth had to understand that Sacha would do everything in his power to be there for him forever.

He nudged Seth, pushing him a little away so he could see him. Taking Seth’s face between his hands, he tilted it so he could see clearly into the depths of his eyes. “Look, maybe it’s the wrong fucking time for this. And too soon. But I guess… I guess, there’s no point in waiting anymore. Neither one of us is fooling anybody but ourselves. And I don’t want to wait until it’s too late. There’s no reason to.” He took a deep breath through his nose, feeling like he was about to jump off a high dive, or, worse, from a perfectly good airplane. Seth’s eyes widened. “I care for you, Seth. A lot. It’s probably more than that, but—” It felt like liquid cement was being poured down his throat, trying to force out what he needed to say. “I need you.” He started to drop his hands, but Seth lifted his own hands to hold Sacha’s wrists in place, staring at him.

“I need you too. I never thought I would need anyone. I never wanted to need anyone, and I kind of resent it. But I need you. It scares me.”