One

 

Liv

 

…6 years old…

 

“Be quiet. She’ll wake up if you keep talking so loud.”

I was already awake, but I knew better than to open my eyes when that mean man was in the room. I’d done it once not too long ago. Got out of my bed and went to her just as he had handed her a bag of something. He screamed at my mom for it, and I didn’t want to get her into trouble again.

I heard the coin jar empty on the kitchen table, followed by his counting in a low murmur. “You’re short. It ain’t all of it.”

“What do you mean?” Mom replied, panicked. “It’s there. I counted it twice before you came.”

“Well, it ain’t all here.”

Her breath came out in in a whoosh. She moved around suddenly, her steps quick. “I might have some more left in my purse. Hold on.”

I opened my eyes a crack, careful not to move as she approached the couch I was sleeping on. The purse was on the other end, feet from where I lay. I was under heavy blankets, my face barely visible to her in the dark. Still, I could see clouds of her breath escape her lungs. It was painfully cold in the apartment. She had promised the heater would come back on, but that was over a week ago, and she stressed every time I brought it up.

She was shaking. I didn’t know if it was because of the cold or because she needed that stuff she always took that calmed her down. Dumping the purse upside down, she sifted through the fallen contents rapidly.

“I don’t have any more time, Kiera,” the mean man said on a huff. “I’ll come back again tomorrow.”

She moved faster, collecting all the loose coin. “No, no, it’s here. I swear it. Just give me a minute.”

It didn’t feel like a minute later when she raced back to him. I heard more coin being counted by him and Mom stepping from foot to foot on the creaky hardwood, the way she did when she was nervous.

“Alright, it’s here,” he told her.

“I told you,” she replied. “I told you, didn’t I? I told you.”

“Calm down, woman. You getting all antsy on me –”

“I just want my shit.”

“Yeah, well, while you’re gonna be getting your thin ass high and warm, your little girl there is gonna freeze. I’d put the next paycheck on a damn heater –”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that. Gimme the snow now, Mark. I need it.”

He rummaged with something. “Here. Don’t take it all at once.”

There was a moment of silence before she asked, “Why’s it a funny colour?”

“How the fuck should I know? I sell the fucking product, Kiera. I don’t make it.” The front door opened just then, followed by his heavy steps. “Until next time, Kiera. If you’re smart, there won’t be.”

The second it slammed shut, I sat up straight, careful not to unravel the cacoon of blankets Mom had put me in. I looked over the couch and found her in the kitchen, near the overhead oven light, the only light on the apartment. She had a small bag in her hands, and she was turning it over under the bulb.

“Mom?” I whispered.

Instantly, her head turned to me. “What are you doing up, baby? Did I wake you?”

“The mean man did.”

Even in the dim lighting, I could see her features change. She looked upset. “You heard all that?”

I shook my head in a lie. “Just heard him leave.”

She visibly relaxed. “Yeah, he slammed the door too hard, didn’t he? Lay back down and get some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep too good on this couch. It’s harder than the mattress.”

“I told you, baby, you peed on the mattress and it needs to be cleaned. I’ll do that for you in the morning.”

“That’s what you said yesterday.”

“I’ve been busy, haven’t I?”

“My back hurts, Mama.”

She let out an irritated breath. “It’s really late right now, Liv. Lay the hell down and go to sleep.”

Feeling suddenly wounded by her stern voice, I blinked back tears and fell back. I hated when she got angry. She always got angry right before she used that stuff in the bag! Pain travelled up my spine. I turned to my side, sniffing quietly, and shut my eyes. I shivered under the blanket, burying my nose in its rough material. I heard her move around. She always gathered some things before she disappeared in the bathroom.

I didn’t know how long I was alone for, but somewhere along the way, I finally drifted to sleep.

 

 

“I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered sometime later in the night. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, baby.”

I was too tired to open my eyes, but I could feel her behind me, my back against her chest. Her thin arm was tight around my frame. I felt warm straight away, and happy. Mom was back to normal. She wasn’t moving around, itching her arms or talking meanly. She was cuddling me again. She hadn’t done that in days.

“It’s okay, Mom,” I whispered groggily. “You’re being nice again.”

She sniffed behind me, her voice hoarse as she replied, “I want to be nice to you always. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be a good mommy.”

“You are,” I assured her. “You’re the best.”

“I ain’t, baby. I can’t do this. I know I should have let you go and found you someplace better. I know that, but I wanted you to myself, and now I can’t let you go. I can’t let you go and I’m destroying the both of us and I can’t stop, baby. I can’t stop. I want to stop. I don’t want to let go, but I can’t stop.”

I didn’t understand a word she was saying, except for the part of letting me go. “It’s okay, Mommy, don’t let go. I don’t want you to let go either.”

I felt the back of my shirt grow damp. She cried into my back, her face pressed against it. I was still too tired to move, and it was the first time I’d felt this warm in days. I settled with patting her hand.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry for what I do to you.”

“Don’t be sad, Mommy.”

“How do I get this monster out of me, baby? How…” She hiccupped through her tears, breathing harshly into my neck. “How do I beat it?”

“You got me, and we’ll beat it together. You and me.”

She tightened her hold on me and kissed the back of my head. “All I got is you, Olivia.”

My eyes stung. “You’re making me sad, Mommy.”

“I’m sorry.”

She kissed the back of my neck and wrapped her arms around me tightly. Her warmth seeped into my bones, warming me. I let out a content breath, for once warm and comfortable.

I fell back asleep to another apology and her promising yummy waffles in the morning.

 

 

When I woke up, Mom was still sleeping. Her arm felt heavy on my body, so I moved it off me and slid off the couch. I needed to pee badly. I raced to the bathroom, my feet growing numb on the cold floor. When I finished, I went back out and shoved open the curtains in the living room to let the sun in. It poured into the room, and it felt blissful after a cold, hard night.

I pressed my forehead against the window and watched the streets. It was still early, so there weren’t many people out just yet, but it would get very lively, especially around noon. I had nothing else to do but watch all day. Mom said I’d start school soon, and I wondered what that would be like. I didn’t have any friends, and we didn’t leave the apartment too often, so all I did was people watch. Sometimes they happened to look up at me and wave. Those were always the best times.

After a while, my stomach growled. I looked over at Mom. She was still sleeping on the couch, and I felt a pang in my chest when I saw that I hadn’t placed the covers back over her. I went to her and shoved them over her body, making sure she was nice and warm.

“Sorry, Mommy,” I whispered. “Now you’re warm.”

Not wanting to disturb her, I quietly slipped into the kitchen and opened the fridge with all my might. She usually gave me a cheese single for breakfast. I could do it myself today. She would be happy if I told her I did it after she woke up. Maybe she’d stay happy if she knew I didn’t need her for everything.

I reached up to the top shelf and grabbed one out of the opened bag it was in. Tearing it open, I returned to the window and ate, watching the people pass. Two people waved at me. I waved back.

When I finished, I pulled out the Operation game I kept under the couch. I assembled it on the coffee table, placing every single body part in its place. I took good care of it like Mom wanted. I thought I was pretty good at it, but I hadn’t played against someone yet. Mom kept promising she would.

Maybe when she woke up she would stick to her promise.

 

 

My stomach was growling again. I didn’t know what time it was, but the sun had moved across the sky a lot since this morning. Mom was still sleeping, and I was thirsty now. My plastic pink water bottle was empty. I had tried many times to open it, but it was too tight. I licked my lips for what felt like forever, and even my tongue felt dry.

I approached Mom, this time hoping to wake her up. I’d never seen her sleep this long before.

“Mom, wake up,” I told her. She hadn’t moved since this morning. I tried shaking her. “Mom, wake up.”

Her face felt cold when I wiped the hair away from her eyes, and her lips looked blue. Was she still cold? Was that why they were blue?

I fetched another blanket from the bedroom. It was in the laundry pile, but it would have to do. I fell three times just getting it to her. It was heavy and holding it made me thirstier. I laid it out over top of her, climbing on the couch in the process to make sure it was spread out evenly. Now that she was warmer, maybe she would wake up soon.

Entering the kitchen again, I went to the sink and stood up on my tippy-toes. I couldn’t reach the faucet, but I could see inside the sink just barely. There was a half-cup of juice in there. I tried to reach it, but it was still too far away.

Determined, I grabbed at the ledge of the seat and attempted to climb. My feet scraped at the cabinet below the sink and my face grew hot. With one arm on the ledge, I grabbed at the cup with my other hand. I gripped the lip of it just as the weight of my body gave out. I slipped, and my arm let go of the sink. I fell on my butt hard and cried out in pain. My tailbone was on fire, and I was covered in juice.

“Mom!” I screamed painfully, running to her. “Mom, I hurt myself!”

I shook her again, but she wasn’t waking up.

Why wasn’t she waking up?

Sniffing, I collapsed to the ground beside the couch and licked at the juice droplets on my arm. I stared out the window, my tongue darting out to catch my salty tears. The sky changed slowly into a blanket of darkness.

Growing tired, I climbed in next to Mom and fell asleep with her.

 

 

I was so hungry when the sun came up again. I had the final three cheese slices instead of one. I felt too weak to do it by the window, so I sat on the floor beside Mom and ate, hoping my stomach didn’t feel sick anymore. The cheese made my mouth dry. I tipped my bottle upside down, hoping for a drop to come out. It didn’t.

Knowing not to climb the kitchen counter this time, I went to the bathroom instead. I climbed the toilet, then I stepped on the counter and sat down next to the sink. I turned the water on and dropped my head down, drinking through the tremors in my body. It felt so good, I made sure not to stop until my stomach hurt.

I returned to Mom when I finished and fell back asleep, too weak to move, too tired to try.

I just wanted to sleep.

So… I slept, and slept.

 

 

“Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

A finger jabbed at my shoulder painfully. I barely opened my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. I felt sick in the stomach, the hunger morphing to a severe bottomless pang. I didn’t know how long I’d slept, but there was a horrible smell in the air.

“You alive, kid?”

I made a little sound and tried to go back to sleep.

“Get up, kid! Get the fuck up.”

A hand grabbed at my arm and harshly shoved me off the couch. My eyes whipped open. The cold air felt like a bucket of ice over every inch of my body. I had enough time to catch a glimpse of Bogeyman before the darkness began to creep in.

“Open your goddamn eyes.”

I opened them hardly, swaying as he forced me to my feet. When he let go, I swayed backwards and fell back on the couch. He jerked me up again, and this time he picked me off, slinging me harshly over his shoulder. He stood there a moment, standing over Mom, his body shaking. “Fuck, Kiera, what have you done?”

I was in and out of consciousness by then. I remembered him opening the apartment door. I remembered how dark the stairwell was as he descended them. He kept swearing under his breath, and his body went still at the sound of footsteps nearby.

“Hey!” someone called. “Whatcha got there in your arms?”

Then he bolted, taking the steps three at a time.

In his arms, I passed out, unknowing of the hell that awaited me on the other side.