Audrey
Voices echoed through the house. Indie and Kenzie were here, and I knew why, but I didn’t care. I put my headphones in and closed my eyes, hoping they’d leave me alone. After having dinner at the roadhouse with Brody the other night, word got around that I went out willingly in public, and it had been a nightmare ever since.
Leanne had invited me out every day the past week to go shopping, for a coffee, for a walk, a yoga class with Bailey’s mum—why anyone would want to do that was beyond me. I wasn’t interested, and I certainly didn’t go out for dinner with Brody by choice. He coerced me into it with the promise of taking me away for my birthday. Granted, that was my idea, but still…
I was almost eighteen, and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a party for my birthday. The idea of celebrating such a milestone without my family by my side made me feel sick, nervous, like I was betraying their memory. My mother was always fond of having big celebrations with lots of food and friends, since we had no other family. Birthdays, Christmas, any reason for a party, my mum was onto it. She told me on my seventeenth birthday that she was excited to plan my eighteenth. The idea of having a party without her, one she didn’t plan, made the constant ache in my chest so much worse. Parties were her thing, and if she couldn’t give me one, I didn’t want one. It wouldn’t be right.
Besides, there was nothing to celebrate. Another year alive. Whoopee. My family weren’t so lucky, so why should I have fun? All those eyes that would be focused on me, the extra attention, not only because it was my birthday, but because of my fragile state would be too much to bear.
That was why I had dinner with Brody.
And only Brody. He didn’t make me feel self-conscious, or awkward, or like I was going to break at any moment. He treated me like an average person, and I was grateful. He calmed me down and made me feel safe when I was entirely out of my comfort zone. When the pain was too much to bear during my recovery, he sat with me while I screamed and cried in agony. He placed cool towels on my burning skin to ease the pain. He was the only one who made me better, and the only one to tell me it was okay to cry, to scream, that I didn’t have to be brave or strong.
The bed dipped beside me, but I chose to ignore it, not wanting to open my eyes and see who would be looking back at me. Indie. Kenzie. Leanne. It would be one of them. Brody and Steve were at work, and I assumed the rest of their pack were too.
I snorted at the thought of them being in a pack. It was like a wolf pack, or the Scooby Gang, because they never did anything alone. They were all so close and the best of friends, even with Brody, who was still shutting himself off from them. I didn’t like it. It made me unnecessarily jealous that they all had someone they could rely on when they needed a friend. They had people they could trust, confide in, be silly with, and just hang out. I had no one. Not anymore. Maybe just Brody. But even then, sometimes it felt like he hung out with me out of obligation or something. Guilt that he couldn’t save my family.
Ever since the fire, I’d lost everyone I cared about. My family were dead. I’d lost myself. I was a shell of the girl I’d once been. My friends were non-existent. Not one friend visited me when I was in the hospital, not that I’d have noticed because I was in an induced coma for weeks, but the nurses had told me the only people to visit were Brody and Nate, and that was because they rescued me. That guilt word reared its ugly head again.
A finger poked my arm. Maybe if I kept my eyes closed, they’d think I was asleep and would leave.
A hand pushed on my shoulder gently.
I rolled over.
My headphones were yanked out of my ears.
“I know you’re awake,” Indie said softly.
“Good for you.” I snatched the headphones from her and put them back in my ears. Indie’s smile fell. I was being a bitch. I knew that. Indie didn’t deserve it. None of them did, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be a charity case.
Kenzie pulled my headphones away and screwed them in a ball. Throwing them across the room to my desk, she said, “Quit being a bitch and get up. We’ve got things to do, and hiding in your room all day isn’t going to accomplish anything.”
I stared at her in shock. I liked Kenzie. She didn’t take crap from anyone, especially not me. She said what she thought and didn’t care. It was refreshing. I huffed and sat up.
“Kenzie,” Indie hissed at her, apparently not approving of her tone.
“No.” Kenzie held up her hand to stop Indie from speaking further. “She starts school in three days, and she’s not even ready. Leanne has been busting her balls for weeks trying to help her, and all she does is shut herself in her room and ignore everyone but Brody.” She looked at me. “Guess what, cupcake? Brody’s not here. We are. So, get your little ass out of bed, throw on your hoodie, and let’s go.” She tossed my black jacket at me and stormed out of the room.
“What does she care, anyway?” I asked Indie, reluctantly pulling my hood over my head.
“She knows what it’s like being the outcast. To have the whole town watching your every move. She’s so much like her brother, blunt and rude, but she means well.” Indie gave me a sympathetic smile.
I knew I had no choice but to go with them. I needed school supplies, clothes. I needed a freaking haircut to do something with the mess on my head. But it meant leaving the house and going out in public, something I’d been unable to do without Brody by my side.
Leanne had been so kind and patient with me, but judging from Kenzie’s reaction, I was too hard on her. I was grateful for everything Leanne and Steve had done for me, taking me in when I had no one. They drove me around from appointment to appointment and gave me all the support…and love I needed. And, I appreciated it, even though I didn’t show it.
My chest tightened, and the room spun. I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, wishing that when I opened them, Indie would be gone, and I’d be left alone to hide under my covers.
No such luck.
“It’ll be okay. I promise.” Indie tried and failed to reassure me. It wouldn’t be okay, but I couldn’t tell her that. She’d never understand. Indie was gorgeous in her girly tomboy way, with her sun-kissed skin and long golden-brown hair that hung in waves like she’d just stepped off the beach—which, in all honesty, she probably had. Her fiancé Linc was a lifeguard, and they lived at the beach. Literally. They had a shack on the beach, right on the sand. Her dresses with Chucks were cute. She had her own style, and she owned it.
Me, on the other hand…no one could understand what it felt like to be me. To have everyone’s eyes on you all the time, staring, judging, pitying you. It wasn’t pleasant to be the center of attention. Once upon a time, I had friends, I wore pretty clothes—maybe a little too revealing when my parents couldn’t see—makeup. I was happy and outgoing, and it all changed in an instant. My life was destroyed, gutted like my house after the fire. Everyone was gone.
It was a miracle I had survived. And most days, I wished I hadn’t. It wasn’t only the physical side of things. Learning to walk and feed myself again was excruciatingly painful. The ugly scars covering half my body did nothing to make me feel better about myself, and even though I knew I should be grateful to be alive, I wasn’t. I should have died. Not my family. Some days I’d been so close to giving up. Brody caught me in the bathroom one day with a bottle of vodka and the painkillers I’d been prescribed. I was just standing there, staring at them on the counter and trying to work up the courage to swallow all the pills with a vodka chaser. He snatched the pills, poured the vodka down the drain, and carried me to the car and took me to see my therapist. Then he didn’t let me out of his sight for weeks.
The guilt of being the only survivor was a daily struggle, and it was only compounded by my appearance. Those close to me—well, the Kellermans and the wolf pack—didn’t appear to care what I looked like, but they pitied me. I could see it in their faces, their eyes. Strangers on the street who didn’t know what happened to me stared as though I was a freak. I wanted to hide away from the world and be forgotten. Why should I get to carry on when my parents, my sister…didn’t?
School wasn’t important. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t have a choice. I was in the care of the Kellermans until I was eighteen. A few short weeks away. But even then, I knew I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t survive on my own, and as much as I didn’t want their help or support, I needed it. They didn’t have to take me in and care for me, but they did because they were good people. And I, as Kenzie rightfully pointed out, was being a bitch.
“Let’s just make it quick. Get it over with,” I said to Indie and grabbed my bag.
She smiled. “Promise.”
“And I’m not trying on any clothes, so don’t even ask.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it. Let’s go.”
Kenzie was sitting at the counter in the kitchen talking to Leanne when we walked in. She glanced at me and reached across to squeeze Leanne’s hand. Leanne smiled and wiped her eyes. She’d been crying. My heart sank. I could do this. Just once. I could go out in public and not make a fuss about it. I could put on a brave face and act as though everything was fine, when inside I knew I’d be dying. I had to do it. For Leanne’s sake. The look on her face was heartbreaking.
“I’m ready,” I said, my fingers twisting together as I stared at my feet.
Kenzie snatched the keys from the counter and walked out of the room with Indie following. Leanne came over, placed her hands on my shoulders, and ducked down to look in my eyes. I averted my gaze.
“You can do this. I know you can,” she said, and then…she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug, cradling my head to her chest like the scared child I resembled. I cautiously raised my arms and hugged her back. It was weird but comforting. I’d not hugged anyone since before the fire. I’d barely touched anyone, except for Brody’s hand when I needed extra reassurance.
It was nice.
Leanne gasped. No doubt in shock that I let her invade my personal space. It was getting awkward, and she must have sensed it because she released me and took a step back. Another tear in her eye, and this time her smile wasn’t sad. It was hopeful.
With a gentle push toward the door, she let me go without a word.
At least one person was optimistic about this shopping trip.
***
Since Blackhill was so small, most of the residents drove half an hour to the next town for their shopping. Kenzie drove half an hour the other way, to another town up the coast, Storm Cove. It sounded like a terrible name for a picturesque seaside town, though Blackhill wasn’t much better.
My stomach was twisted in knots. I counted eleven cars in the parking lot as Kenzie pulled her car into a spot right outside the front doors. Eleven. That meant there were people inside. It didn’t seem like a lot, but to me it might as well have been a crowd. My chest tightened, but I squared my shoulders and climbed out. Still, I ducked my head and ensured my hood covered my face. I pulled the sleeves down and pinched the cuffs between my fingers to hide my hands as well before I followed them inside.
It could have been my overactive imagination; it could have been real. I didn’t know, but I swore people stared, whispered, and pointed as we walked through the small shopping center. I could feel their eyes on me as we looked at pens and notebooks, judging. Could hear their thoughts as though they said them out loud.
Oh, my god!
What happened to her?
That poor girl.
My lungs burned and I realised I wasn’t breathing. Everything began to spin as I tried to suck in as much air as possible, but I couldn’t manage anything more than short, shallow breaths. I was going to pass out.
“It’s okay, Audrey,” Indie said as Kenzie guided me out of the store and to a seat until I got my breathing under control.
It wasn’t okay.
“I think you hiding behind this,” Kenzie grabbed my sleeve and lifted my arm before dropping it back into my lap, “is drawing more attention to you. I know you don’t want to be seen, but if you stood tall, removed the hood, and held your head high with all the confidence you could muster, or fake, I think people wouldn’t pay you any attention.”
“That’s a lie.” I dropped my head. “People will always stare. And walking beside you two is worse. You draw attention like a magnet, and then it gets focused on me. I want to go home.” Kenzie turned heads wherever she went.
“No, not until we’ve finished. If we don’t do this now, it will never happen. You know that.”
“I’ll go by myself,” I said without even thinking.
“What?” Indie asked, her voice higher than usual.
“Alone.”
Could I really do it? Walk into a shop alone and buy something? It would mean approaching people, maybe talking to them, handing them money. They’d see my scars on my hand.
“Audrey, I…” Indie didn’t know what to say, and neither did I.
How could I explain that even though I was terrified of walking into a store alone and being seen in public, having them beside me made things worse? They were beautiful. They drew attention naturally. Indie with her quirky, girly tomboy style, and Kenzie with her spiked leather boots, torn skinny jeans, cropped denim jacket, and mass of vibrant blonde curls that had a mind of their own. Everyone noticed them, and then they saw me. I could never have the confidence they did. I could never look the way they did. And I could never be comfortable with that kind of attention—even if they didn’t seem to notice it.
The only way I could see to get through this shopping venture would be to go it alone. Solo. By myself. The thought was petrifying, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t endure more stares or whispers, or I’d have a breakdown.
“I can do this. Go in there. Buy some clothes. Easy, right?” I stood and held out my hand for the cash I knew Indie was carrying because she knew I would never be able to pay for something myself. That would mean having to look at someone, make eye contact, talk. But I was going to try.
“We’ll be right here.” Indie handed me the wad of fifties in her fist and nodded reassuringly.
“You got this,” Kenzie said and slapped my ass as I took a step forward toward possibly the most daunting experience of my life since the fire.