Chapter 66
Zooey noted that many more people snuck into Keeley’s hospital room than were allowed, clearly bypassing reception. The five of them – Ben, Amy, Pam, Zo, and Hannah - tried to keep quiet, but Pam had brought a bottle of champagne to celebrate, and their laughter grew so loud that in spite of the room being a single and the door being shut, they were found out. Luckily, visiting hours were almost over by then.
The nurse that came to shoo everyone out was nice at least, a rosy-faced black Jamaican woman with a beautiful lilting voice, not one of those hard Nurse-Ratched types. But she was firm. “All right, everyone out. Visiting hours are almost over anyway. Mrs. Cohen, I’m surprised. You know that two visitors is our maximum. Two at a time.”
“Oh, Sonia, can Zo stay? Pretty please?” Keeley put her hands together in prayer and made her sad puppy-face. “I need to talk to her for one more minute?” Seeing Sonia tilt her head back and forth in reluctant agreement, Keeley went on, “Ben, honey, please don’t be mad – I’ll call you to say goodnight.”
Ben made a tsking sound and leaned over to kiss her. “Of course. You talk to Zo. I’ve got to get back to the city anyway and get some work done. I’ll be back tomorrow morning and we’ll break you out of this place.”
They all kissed and hugged Keeley, Pam getting weepy when it was her turn and making Amy exasperated. “Oh, come on! She’s fine! Look at her!”
“I know!” Pam wailed. “I’m so happy!”
“Then why the hell are you crying?”
“Why the hell aren’t you?”
They were still bickering after Hannah got her hug and kiss and the four of them left though the door held open by Sonia, who waited patiently and without comment through the whole scene. When the last of them had filed out, Sonia leaned into the room. “Now, you’ve got fifteen minutes and then it’s time to go. And, Mrs. Cohen, let me remind you that you are still a patient of this hospital until you’re released.”
“Sonia. Why won’t you call me Keeley? After all this time!”
Sonia shook her head. “Because if I did, all would be lost. You’d get your way every day. Just like you did with Tammy. You’ve got a reputation now. I’m on to you, you charmer you.” She said the last with a satisfied chuckle and closed the door.
Zo sat in her wheelchair beside Keeley, wondering what this was about. Everything was out in the open at last; they could finally relax. She could hug and kiss Hannah with abandon, say exactly how she felt without having to worry about what it might look like, what truth her behavior might reveal. There was a peace in Hannah’s eyes now – that conflicted look gone - that made Zo both happy and regretful, the old late-night doubts verified. Well, what was done could not be undone. They would just have to move forward and do the best they could.
Keeley had turned and looked away, out the window where the darkness was only touched by the silvery light of the streetlights below, night having fallen while they distracted by their celebration. She said, “You know, I never claimed to be a perfect parent. I did the best I could. At least, I thought I was doing a good job.”
Zo reached for Keeley’s hands that were twisting together on her lap. “Of course you did. You were wonderful, valiant really. After everything, your mom, I was constantly amazed by your strength. And you wouldn’t even take any money from me, you big goof. It would have been nothing for me and it-“
Keeley shook her head sharply, still looking away. “Let’s not talk about money. I needed to do it that way. Needed to feel like I was earning my own way. I didn’t mind taking money from my parents because I felt like they owed me. They did owe me. But you didn’t owe me a thing.”
A lump came into Zooey’s throat. She said softly, “No, I did owe you. I-“
“I think that maybe we were wrong to do what we did. It was wrong of me to take Hannah. She was yours. I just wanted, I needed, something to hang on to, someone that needed me, really needed me. But it was a mistake. I was in no condition to raise a kid. I made mistakes, Zo. Big mistakes.”
Zo sighed. When had she actually become Zo? But she knew. When she and Keeley became joined at the hip raising Hannah, something shifted and that inner-aloneness finally went away. Then she was a real Barefoot Girl, one of their tribe, fierce and fun, strong because of each other. “Every parent makes mistakes, Key. Every single one. Even my parents made mistakes, and both of them loved me so much. I was their dream-come-true child and they made mistakes anyway. It’s just the way it is.”
Keeley turned and looked at Zo, her face strangely strained and shaking. “No, these were big mistakes and I have to tell you. And you probably won’t want to talk to me ever again after I tell you.”
Zo shook her head, putting up her hand. “No. I don’t want to hear. Don’t you dare say a word or I’m leaving. You think I didn’t doubt our decision every day? You don’t think there were times I wanted to grab up Hannah and have her all to myself? But sharing her with you was the best, most generous thing I’ve ever done. It saved me from living a life of self-hate, of guilt for what I did. I got to enjoy Hannah instead of resenting her. I got to forgive myself.”
Keeley leaned forward, a vein pulsing on her forehead, her face turning red. Zooey had never seen her friend look so upset, the intent look in her eyes almost frightening. “Please. You have to listen. I did something-“
“No. Don’t tell me.”
“I have to! Listen to me!”
Zo pushed a button and started to roll backwards. “I will wheel myself out of here right now.”
Keeley reached for her and started to cry. Keeley, she-of-no-tears, crying! “Please!” she wailed.
Zo stopped. She was shocked, felt a cold inner breeze. “What? What can you say that will be of any benefit to us? Do you really think that telling me this horrible thing you did will fix anything? When I told you what happened with Michael, it was because I had to. I had his child inside of me. I never would have burdened you with what I did otherwise. You don’t have to tell me. And if you do, if you insist, you risk destroying everything we’ve built, you risk our family. Because that’s what the Barefooters are to me: my family. The only family I have. Do you really want to take that away from me?”
“But-“
“But what! Listen to me,” Zooey said, rolling forward again and taking Keeley’s hands. “Whatever you did, whatever it was, I forgive you. I forgive you right now.”
“How can you? I-“
“I can because I have to. I can because I want to. This time you have to honor me. Hannah is my child. I have the right. We’ll still take care of Hannah together, but I assume responsibility going forward. I will do everything I can to make her life a happy one from now on. And guess what? I’ll probably make mistakes. Heaps of them. But what matters is love. Do you love Hannah?”
Keeley blinked and swallowed, nodding. “Of course I do. I love her like crazy.”
“Good. Don’t you see?”
“What?”
“Love is all that matters. We do the best we can in this crazy world, we make our stupid mistakes, but if we have love and we show it to each other, nothing can be that wrong that it can’t be fixed.”
Keeley swallowed again and laughed a little. “You’re a big silly mush, aren’t you?”
Zo chuckled and nodded before getting up on her good leg, leaning down and wrapping her arms around her best friend while saying a silent prayer: one of gratitude and fear and hope. She was sure someone was listening.