Keanna

 

Vegas is as beautiful as it looks in the movies. The only thing I didn’t expect is that it seems a little smaller when you’re walking down the infamous Vegas Strip. But the lights are shiny and colorful and fill you up with just enough whimsy to forget your problems. We’d tried visiting the cupcake place I want to try, but it was closed for a private party. I hope we’ll get to go back to it before the trip is over.

Last night, Jett and I had gone with the guys to get dinner at some restaurant that had acrobats performing all around us. After the last two miserable days I’ve had, I welcomed the distraction. I was able to put on a smile and actually mean half of it. It’s kind of like magic, how getting out and doing something exciting makes you slip into a world of happiness that exists separately from your bleak real life. But as soon as we got back to the hotel last night, it all came back to me. Tidal waves of sadness pouring over me in ways I couldn’t hold back. But I tried to. For Jett, I tried.

We’d stayed up late watching a movie in the hotel, cuddling in the bed surrounded by its many fluffy pillows. I loved the way his chest felt—strong and warm as I laid against him, but I still hurt.

He didn’t ask me if everything was okay, or if I was feeling fine, or anything, so I think I did a good job of hiding this feeling that’s grown so big inside of me that I fear it’ll explode any day now.

Today is Friday, and Jett’s Vegas race is tomorrow. We’re supposed to do some sight seeing and find all the fun things you can do here when you’re not old enough to drink, but we made a plan to sleep in late first. After all these days of waking up early to drive, it’s nice to lay in bed with no schedule looming over you.

Only, I can’t sleep in late.

I’m laying here in this comfortable hotel bed, next to Jett, who is perfect in every way, and yet I’m not sleeping. I’m staring at the ceiling and chewing on the inside of my lip. It’s been hours since I last checked the drama online. I could tell Jett was watching me all night last night, hoping I wouldn’t look at social media, so I didn’t. But I can’t hold back anymore. It’s too tempting. It’s so stupid, I know, but it is what it is.

I look over at Jett and he’s sleeping peacefully, his breathing slow and steady. Carefully and slowly, I turn toward my nightstand and then wait, to make sure he’s still asleep.

I reach for my phone, then open up Twitter. I used to check this thing all the time and never think twice about it. I used to scroll through tweets while waiting in line at the grocery store, or during commercial breaks on my favorite TV show. It’s never mattered much until now.

Now, my hands are shaking and my stomach hurts and my heart pounds so hard I am certain it’s going to wake up Jett. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, but it doesn’t help. I have to see what these girls are saying about me online.

 

I just got another update from the slut’s old schoolmates. She used to wear the same three outfits all the time and they were never washed.

 

That one is kind of true. Many years of my life I only had one or two good pairs of jeans, and we only went to the laundromat whenever Mom had some quarters. For a while in ninth grade, I knew this girl who would let me spend the night and wash my clothes at her house. We were never really close friends though, I think she just felt sorry for me.

 

She would sleep with any guy who asked. Figures.

 

Not true. So not true. Ugh. I keep scrolling.

 

Oh, and now I’m being told that she once gave a BJ to her high school teacher so he’d give her a passing grade in science. Why is Jett with this hoe? Like seriously???

 

Also not true.

Even though I know my heart will break as I read through this crap, I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself. I have to see what they’re saying about me. I have to know what everyone will be thinking if they see me at the races with Jett. What if Jett’s manager gets word of this? What if Team Loco fires him because of his girlfriend’s bad reputation?

The panic gets worse. Jett had to sign a contract with Team Loco saying he’d abide by laws and not make an embarrassment of the team with his actions. Surely that applies to the people he hangs out with too? His manager likes me, but probably not enough to overlook what everyone is saying.

I sit up in bed and throw off the covers, my skin suddenly so hot it’s burning. Jett stays asleep as I pace the room, my phone gripped tightly in my hand. I can’t do this to Jett. I’m going to ruin his career. It doesn’t matter that most of the bad stuff is false, because some of it is true. I am not a nice normal girl with a normal family who deserves Jett and his wholesome image.

The lump in my throat threatens to cut off my airway and I put my hands on the glass of the balcony door, willing myself to take a deep breath. Nothing helps my heart slow down. Nothing makes my hands stop shaking.

I look back at Jett, and I’m glad he’s asleep. He doesn’t need to see me lose my freaking mind right now.

When my vision gets blurry from all the pacing and hyperventilating, I drop into a chair and look out the window, trying to focus on something outside that will take away this panic. A few moments later, I’m looking at my phone again. I hate myself. I hate how this addiction is too strong to break.

 

Seriously, we need to start a petition to make Jett break up with her. He is so much better than her and he deserves better.

 

That one is true.

Jett is better than this. He does deserve better. He deserves more. I look back at my boyfriend and tears fall down my cheek. I can’t do it now because it would put a damper on his race tomorrow. I’m not sure how I’ll survive doing what I know I have to do. We are neighbors. Our parents are best friends. Breaking up with Jett is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I swallow and grit my teeth to keep my jaw from quivering. I swipe off the tears that are splashing on my shirt.

I guess I’ve known what I had to do all along. I don’t deserve Jett. I don’t deserve my family, either. Even though they adopted me, I’m a legal adult now so that’s meaningless. Park and Becca just felt sorry for me—that’s why they did it.

And Jett—he didn’t know about my true past. He didn’t mean to get caught up with someone like me. Those girls on Twitter are mean, but they’re right.

As soon as we get home, I’ll have to break up with the guy I love more than anything. And then I’ll have to leave, and let the people I care about go back to a life that’s better off without me.