My appointment on Friday came and went. The doctor did confirm that I am pregnant. She gave me a lot of pamphlets and prenatal vitamins. She cheered me up a little with all the appointments I have to look forward to. I can’t wait to have a sonogram; I’m wondering if it’s going to be a girl or a boy. I haven’t told anyone about the baby. I haven’t spoken to my dad since Christmas and I don’t see him being thrilled about being a grandfather. I don’t even think he liked being called father.

I can’t help but smile knowing that I’m going to be a mother. I was scared and shocked at first about this baby, but I’m looking forward to witnessing another being’s firsts. The first time the baby says “Mama,” crawls, tries solid food, walks. After the doctor’s appointment, I was happier about this than when I was going into the appointment. I’ve officially got baby fever.

I haven’t heard anything from Dylan since I left that Tuesday afternoon. I’ve cried every night and vomited almost every morning, but during the day I find my strength and get on with what needs to be accomplished. I’ve been looking for a job. I have insurance still, but I don’t want to depend on his insurance much longer. I need to cut ties with him completely. He pretty much stomped on my heart and threw it in the dumpster. I’m keeping it together solely for the baby growing inside me.

I decide to call Cindy. She’s had a couple of children; she might be able to give me some advice. I could really use a friend right now. “Hey, Cindy.”

“Hi, Andy. How’s the windy city treating you and Birdie? Is Dylan hiring for his new office yet?”

I know Cindy has been looking forward to Dylan’s firm expanding and I have mentioned that he was looking for some help. I don’t really know what to tell her, except the truth.

“Well, I’m not really working with Dylan anymore. We had a bit of a falling out and I’m on the hunt now too.”

“That’s a shame. What happened? I thought things were going really well. Is he being an asshole again?” She laughs. I used to complain to her all the time how horrible he was and it seems things never change.

“You could say that. I’m pregnant and he was upset. I left and haven’t heard from him since.” I sniffle. God, I sound so pathetic. It sounds like a shitty soap opera. I grab a tissue next to me as Birdie sidles up to my lap. I’m sitting down in my living room checking on my laptop for any open positions.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s tough being a single mom. I should know. Don’t you worry, you’re not alone. I can’t believe he would just let you go like that.” Cindy knew we were involved. Since she’s my only friend here in Chicago, I kept her up to date including when we became boyfriend and girlfriend. That seems so long ago now.

“Assholes never change, Cindy. I thought he was different too, but I was wrong. I’m due in June.” I sigh. What am I going to do?

“Oh, a June baby. That will be wonderful. Don’t you worry. Stress is not good for the baby. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. You know, I’ve had my share of babies.” She laughs. “If I see any positions that I think you’d be good for, I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks, Cindy. That goes for me too. If I see jobs for you, I’ll call you first thing. I really appreciate your support. I don’t really have anyone here, except you. Thanks for being a good friend.”

“Oh, don’t even mention it, honey. I know how hard it is out there. Us women need to stick together. Keep me updated on the baby, okay?”

I agree and promise to call her next week after my next appointment. I smile after I hang up. At least I have one friend I can count on. Now, back to looking at the want ads.

Sometimes, late at night I wonder if he even thinks about us or if he’s already moved on and has a girl in his bed every night like he seemed to have before. He probably has already fucked a few other girls by now.

I didn’t give him any notice I was no longer going to be coming into work either. I’m sure he figured it out when he didn’t hear back from me on Friday. It’s been over a week since I said goodbye and although I’ve eaten all the ice cream in my freezer, things aren’t as bad as they seemed at first. I can’t seem to watch any romantic movies or Die Hard since they remind me of Dylan. Instead I’m watching Disney movies. I look forward to showing my child Cinderella and Snow White. I guess they’re somewhat romance movies, but the struggle these princesses went through to make it out on the other side, I can relate to.

I’m in the middle of Cinderella. She’s dancing with the prince and singing about love. I’m eating popcorn and snuggled next to Birdie, when there’s a knock on the door. I look at Birdie and she looks at me. She goes to the door and wags her little pink tail.

“Who is it, girl?” I know she must smell whoever is on the other side of the door. Looking through the peephole, I’m surprised to see Dylan on the other side gripping both sides of my doorframe. He’s a bit disheveled. He also looks mad. I’m not sure I want to open the door. “What do you want, Dylan?” I keep the door closed and watch his reaction to my question.

“Come on, Andy. Let me in, please.” He bows his head and I can no longer see his face. I still don’t want to let him in. Why is he here now?

“What do you want, Dylan?” I sound tired and frustrated. I don’t want to be dealing with this right now, I have an interview tomorrow for a great position at a top accounting firm.

“How was the doctor’s appointment?” He looks straight through the peephole at me.

I shiver and collect myself. “Fine, good. I’m still pregnant.” I guess he wanted to make sure I was still pregnant. Maybe he’s having difficulty with the business and wanted me to come back and work if I wasn’t pregnant. Guys are such assholes.

“Can I come in and talk to you, please?” He stands up straight and puts his hands in his pockets.

“We don’t have anything to talk about, Dylan. I’m keeping the baby and you don’t have to worry about any responsibility with this child. I’m willing to do it on my own.” I lean my forehead against the door and wait for him to leave.

“Baby, let me in.”

I don’t know if it’s hormones or just plain anger, but when he calls me baby, something happens and I can’t control my actions. I swing open the door and charge at him. His eyes go wide and I slap him in the face. His hand goes to his cheek and his eyes close.

“Okay, I deserve that. I know I’ve been an asshole, but I . . .”

“No!” I point my finger in his face and he flinches slightly. I back off a bit, slightly embarrassed of my behavior. I don’t normally lash out like this. I’m a civil person and he just brings out the crazy in me, I guess. Taking a few deep breathes, I grit my teeth. “Do not call me baby. I’m not your baby. We broke up. This, whatever it was between us, fuck buddies, it’s over. And while you’re at it, you can find yourself another secretary.” I turn and slam the door behind me and wait until I hear his footsteps retreating. I sigh and slide down the door and bawl my eyes out. That bastard just had to come here and make me cry.

The next day, I get through my interview surprisingly well. The staff seems very happy and the company has great benefits. I get a call later that evening with a job offer and I readily accept. Then that evening there’s another knock on my door. Slowly, I approach my door afraid it’s Dylan again. I hear his voice before I look out the peephole.

“Andy, I thought I’d let you cool off before we spoke anymore. I don’t want you to be stressed right now.”

“I’m cool as an Eskimo,” I reply. Eskimo? Where the hell did that come from? He’s not ruining my day. I just got a new job and I’m on the road to a secure future for me and my baby. I called Cindy earlier to tell her the good news and she was also happy to relay to me that she had also found a new position. Things were looking up for us both.

“Can I please come in?” I stand and think about this for a moment. Hopefully, he’s just saying goodbye and wants to leave with a clear conscience. The sooner I got this over with the better. I really don’t want him banging on my door anymore. I’m so over his asshole tendencies. I slowly unlock my door and open it wide for him. “Thank you.” Dylan gives me a small smile.

I follow him into the living room where he plops down in the middle of the couch. I sit in the chair adjacent to him. We sit there for a moment, just looking at each other. Dylan finally breaks the silence.

“How are you feeling?” I’m guessing he’s really asking about the baby and not me.

“The baby is fine. I go in for another appointment next week. Don’t worry, I’ve already found another job with good benefits. We’ll be fine.” Surprisingly, I sound confident. I don’t feel that way at all. I hope he can’t see through my facade.

“I asked how you’re feeling, Andy.” I ignore his question and stand up to let him know I’m done talking. There’s nothing else to say. It’s hard to look at him and still be angry with him. I keep repeating to myself that he’s an ass and it helps. “Wait, Andy. Stop trying to run away from me. We need to talk about this like adults.”

I turn slowly around from my path to the door. “What did you say?” Dylan rubs his face with his hands. He seems frustrated, but I don’t care. I’m furious. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was smoke coming out of my ears. “Did you just say that I need to talk like an adult?” I start to yell. “I’m not the one running away! I’ve been facing this since day one. You didn’t want me or this baby. I left when I wasn’t wanted. You’re an irresponsible asshole! Get out!”

He rushes up from the couch to me. “You haven’t even let me talk. I want to talk about this. I want to be involved with this baby too. I want to go to the appointments with you.”

“What?” I stumble back away from him. He can’t mean that. He didn’t want anything to do with us. Now Dylan wants to go to the appointments?

“I want to be involved in this baby’s life. I’m the father. I didn’t have one growing up and I won’t do that to a child.” I can’t believe this. This should be good news, but I’m just being selfish. It’ll be hard for my heart to be around him. I know it’s what’s best for the baby, it’s just not good for me. That’s what being a parent is. You make sacrifices for your child so that they can be happy, whatever’s best for the baby.

“Fine. I’ll text you when the next appointment is.” I go to the door and open it for him. Dylan waits for a moment and then decides to walk out. He doesn’t even look back. I guess that’s all he came for. Well, at least he’s decided to be a father to our baby. God, am I going to have to deal with him for the rest of my life? Will this pain ever ebb? I collapse on the sofa. Birdie accompanies me and I pet her. Before I know it, I’ve fallen asleep. I dream about a sweet little girl with my eyes and Dylan’s dark hair. I dream of him with another woman visiting us. I’m alone with the baby and he’s found another girlfriend. Waking up from that nightmare, I find it’s dark outside my windows. The clock says it’s eleven. Time to hit the hay.

Taking a quick shower, I tuck myself in bed. The entire night, I toss and turn and dream about me being eternally alone and Dylan having a new girl on his arm every time he comes to pick up our baby. The only thing I can think about is if that nightmare came true or worse, if he found one girl he wanted to be with. Tears fall on my pillow that night and every evening until my appointment the next week.

My new job doesn’t start until the following week. I have a bit of time off to enjoy for a little while longer. This pregnancy so far has been tough. I still get sick every morning and I’m extremely tired throughout the day. I don’t know how Cindy did it. I called her last night and she thought it was wonderful that Dylan was stepping up and is going to be involved. She could tell I was upset about the situation. She understood how I felt too. Cindy gave me some good advice to stay calm and healthy for the baby. Everything would work itself out.

So here I am outside of the OBGYN. There’s no sign of Dylan and it’s five minutes past our appointment. With a huff, I go inside and sign in. I’m brought back immediately and am instructed to undress from the waist down. I’m going to have a sonogram and since it’s so early in my pregnancy they have to do it vaginally. Dylan still hasn’t showed once the doctor walks in. I brush the tears from my eyes and put on a good face. If he’s just going to flake out on us, he should’ve just left us alone.

There’s a knock on the door before the doctor can walk me through the proceedings of our appointment. I cover my legs and pelvis with a pitiful scrap of paper, while a nurse pokes her head in the door.

“I’m sorry to bother you, doctor, but there’s a man here that says he’s the patient’s boyfriend.” I gasp. The doctor looks back at me and I nod. Why the hell would he say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend? Then, he walks in. He takes my breath away. His beard is trimmed and he looks a little more rested than the last time he was at my door. Dylan looks a little out of breath.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in traffic. It was hard finding a parking spot too.” He kisses me on the forehead and sits down in the chair next to me. I give him a bewildered look. He’s watching the doctor.

“Well, we were just about to start. You haven’t missed anything.” She turns to a machine with knobs and a screen on it. I quickly look back at Dylan.

He whispers, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know if they’d let me back if I didn’t say I was your boyfriend. There’s was an accident downtown and I had to go the long way around.” His eyes are pleading with me. I turn away and nod my head. At least he’s here now, I guess. He grabs my hand and I pull away. Dylan mouths “Please.” When I don’t say anything, he leans into me. “I just want to hold your hand, Andy. Let me do that, please.” His hand envelops mine once more and I let him. This is his way of being here for the baby. A tear runs down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I sniffle and wipe it away.

The appointment goes on without any surprises. I’m right on schedule and the baby is growing as expected. Dylan is quiet. Then we see our little peanut and a beating heart. I cry for the tenth time and Dylan seems awestruck. He grips my hand so tight I lose blood flow and have to hit his arm to release me. I’m so in love with this sweet little peanut already.

When the doctor is finished with my consult she steps out of the room. Sliding off the examination table, I hold on to the small sheet covering my modesty. I wait to see what Dylan is going to do. He stands still, waiting for me to get dressed. I clear my throat and I think he gets the hint.

“I’ll meet you in the waiting room.” He abruptly leaves. I sit down with my bare butt hanging out and bawl my eyes out. After a while, I finally pull myself together and quickly get dressed. I’m not looking forward to seeing Dylan out in the waiting room. It was tough enough having him here during this whole embarrassing ordeal. Is it too much to ask to have my dignity intact? On the other hand, I’m glad he was able to come. Even though, it would be easier on me if we went our separate ways, it’s better for the baby to have a father.

I wish my father were more present in my life. Speaking of which, I haven’t told him yet. He’s going to be extremely disappointed in me. He of all people put work before family. My dad has no paternal instincts. I don’t expect him to understand me being happy about having a baby even though I’m young. I know he wanted me to be set in a career but I was never as focused on that aspect of my life. I just wanted to live and enjoy my work, be able to pay the bills and maybe meet a nice boy someday. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I look at the picture the doctor gave me of our baby. I think I may have seen Dylan tear up too but he turned his head so I could no longer see his face. I hope he doesn’t bail on me now. I really want him to commit to this. If he couldn’t commit to me, I hope he’s able to be a father to our child. He would be a really good dad if he tried. I sigh and walk out the door.

Dylan is leaning against the opposite side of the hallway. His eyes look grave. “Were you crying in there?” I try to control my reaction to him hearing me cry.

“I cry at the drop of a hat these days.” I turn to walk to the nurse’s desk to pay my copay. He follows. I don’t think he bought that explanation.

I’m proved right when he asks, “Why were you crying, Andy?” I huff. I don’t want to talk about this right now, let alone in the doctor’s office. I tell him as much and he placates me by nodding his head. He tries to pay for my appointment, but I don’t let him. It’s silly, but I want to show him I can take care of myself. I thank the nurse after paying and we walk out the door.

“Why were you crying?” He turns to me.

“What do you want me to say, Dylan?” I cross my arms over my chest, feeling defensive. Does he expect me to rip my heart out for him? Put it on the chopping block for him to hammer to death? Why couldn’t you fight for me, for us? Why did you just let me go? Will you always be my constant reminder of my first love lost? Wait. No. Ugh! I hate him. I love him. He’s an ass. I walk toward the subway ignoring his lingering look.

“Andy, please. I know you’re hurting and it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’d like you to come back and work for me.”

“Are you crazy? Why would I work for you?” My finger jams in his face. I’m barely holding on to my wrath. I don’t know how this man can get me so worked up. I’m usually very calm and collected but he drives me within an inch of insanity.

“It’s not what it sounded like. I want to help you. I want to see you. What if you went into labor and I wasn’t there? I want to be able to make sure you’re getting everything you need.” My anger cools down a few notches. That was actually kind of sweet. I smile. Damn, these freaking mood swings. I’m up and down, hot and cold. I just need to get away from him to think. I can’t think straight right now. I need ice cream. “You need ice cream?” Oh, shit. I must have said that out loud. I clench my eyes shut and take a deep breath.

“I appreciate your job offer, but I already have a good job and I don’t think it would be a good idea to work together anymore. You know when the next doctor’s appointment is. I guess I’ll see you then?” I open my eyes and stare at his beard. God, I miss that beard between my legs. He nods a yes. “I’m going to get ice cream.”