Multiple weeks had passed since he met Ym'e and without fail, he had returned to the lake every night so he could shine up his spotlight. He had found an old piece of pool cover in his grandfather's basement and taped it over the glass, to give his beam a bluish hue. Just for good measure.
And so he sat in the frozen wasteland with only the alien’s thoughts and his own. Over the days that passed, he brought a dusty comforter with him that made his stupid chair slightly more comfortable. A cut-up pair of socks serviced as gloves so his fingers wouldn't freeze and an old piece of rubber had become a makeshift hot-water bag that gave him thirty extra minutes with Ym'e.
Over the past weeks, they had been talking non-stop. Ben taught her about all the silly things humans did and Ym'e absorbed every word like a sponge, hungry for more.
Why does paper win?
I... Ehmm... Because. That is the game. Rock wins from scissors, scissors from paper, and paper from rock.
But why?
I... Honestly don't know. That is just how I always played it.
Isn't ketchup technically a fruit smoothie?
Well... No... I don't think so... I mean, maybe?
Why is it called an apartment if the houses aren't apart?
Because... You are all living together, but apart?
Why is red stop and green go?
It just... Ehmm... Blood is red and blood means stop?
Why do you give each other sacks of air for your annual celebrations?
I... What?
Balloons.
Because... It is... Festive.
What is so romantic about flowers?
They are beautiful and it means you were thinking about your partner.
But the flowers are dead.
Yeah... But... They are pretty...
Why do human mates wear metal bands around their fingers?
Those are rings... It is to show the world that you are married to each other.
So they chain themselves together?
No, it is a symbolic bond.
How come you don't mate for life?
We do... Sometimes... It just doesn't always work out.
I don't think I understand.
I... Me neither, to be honest... Ben admitted, as he realised how illogical the world actually was. The more he talked to Ym'e and tried to explain the human ways, the more he got confused.
We Ythereann, we mate for life. At least... We used to.
But what if you fall out of love?
That doesn't happen. You live together or you die together. When we merge, we become one soul... And you can't possibly split apart after that... You wouldn't want to.
I... That must be nice.
Ben?
Yes?
Have you ever been in love?
Ben thoughtfully scratched his beard as he thought back to the girls he had dated. There was Rachel, his high school sweetheart, but as college approached, they just grew apart. Ellie, the girl that worked in his favourite coffee shop, whom he dated for a couple of months. And lastly, Jamila, the girl that smelled like sun and tasted like summer. He had loved spending time with them, but had he loved them? He wasn't sure.
I don't think so...
Me neither. What do you think it is like?
The young man curtly chuckled as he rubbed his shoulder that had grown stiff from the cold. I don't know. I always imagined it to be... A connection you can't deny. Warm. Something that starts small on the inside, but eventually spills to the outside until it has spun an invisible cocoon around the two people. A feeling that you are finally complete. An unbreakable bond that protects you both... Ben trailed off as he touched the cold fabric above his heart, recalling the void he always felt there. He always figured that love would eradicate the feeling of being incomplete, but as he had never felt whole before, he reasoned he just hadn't felt love yet.
That sounds... About right... I wonder... Ym'e added as she herself got lost in the vague memories of her kin and her wish of finding someone that would complete her.
And so they sat, silently and wordlessly, alien and human, for the first time truly understanding each other. Only when the first rays of sunlight graced the sky, they had to part and even as the cold snow creaked under Ben's feet, he felt rather warm and fuzzy.
The moment his face hit his pillow, he slept a thousand sleeps and dreamt a thousand dreams. Something had changed, but he couldn't put his finger on it just yet.
The sun travelled across the sky, but Ben wasn't awake to see it. The only lights he had eyes for were the one that Ym'e cast. Lights she cast only for him.
And so the evening came around again, and as the temperature dropped, so did Ben's mood. As he awoke, his eyes were heavy and his head felt like it was splitting open. The floor wobbled under his feet as he sat down, trying to ease the headache and get a clear vision. With a trembling hand, he reached out for the nightstand drawer and grabbed a bottle of pills he had hoped not to need again. The pills rattled in the container as he shakily screwed off the cap and swallowed a couple of them, hoping they would still his pain.
With his head resting in his hands, he squinted his eyes shut. Even the dim moonlight was hurting him. Ben groaned as the pills only slowly took the edge off and he cursed at himself for being so reckless. He knew damn well that pretending he wasn't sick wasn't doing him any good and would come to bite him in the ass sooner or later. He had just hoped it would've been later
Reminded again that he was, in fact, dying, Ben stumbled out of his bedroom and into the dark bathroom. He splashed a handful of cold water in his face and as he looked at his own bloodshot eyes, he was met by a stranger he no longer recognised.
Ever since he moved to the mountains, he had grown thinner. His cheeks and jaw had sharpened out, his eyes had fallen deep into their sockets, and his unruly hair was dry like a bird's nest. The guy staring back at him looked nothing like how he had felt the past couple of weeks. Spending time with Ym'e had put a renewed bounce in his step and some days, he didn't even think about dying. All he thought about was getting to the lake so he could talk to his alien girl, who made him feel more human than anyone else. With her, he felt alive.
But the man staring back at him barely looked like he still belonged to the land of the living.
Ben let out a deep sigh. He had been neglecting himself, that was for sure. He couldn't remember the last time he took his prescribed medication or had a proper meal with vegetables that weren't frozen or rehydrated. He slapped his cheeks, hoping that would bring some colour back on his face. But all it did was hurt.
And as he stared at the walking skeleton, a sliver of light crept through his curtains and painted the bathroom tiles blue.
Ym'e. She was calling him.
With a last look at the mirror, Ben practically sprinted out of his house, back into the cold night. He didn't want to worry about his disease, he had no time to spare for self-pity. His clock was ticking and as the seconds mercilessly flew by, he knew he wanted to spend the time had left sitting underneath the Northern Lights with Ym'e's voice in his head.
Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine. It is really getting colder out here.
What does cold feel like?
Ehmmm... Ben sighed, a cloud of smoke escaping his lips. It... Tingles. And it kinda bites. It makes you shiver and shake uncontrollably. It feels like your skin is too small for your body, but it isn't entirely unpleasant.
I wonder what it would feel like...
The cold?
A body.
Ben nodded silently as he pondered that thought. He hadn't really thought about how it would be to not own a body. When he died, would he feel like Ym'e did? Just a soul floating around the universe, not belonging to anything or anyone. That thought would've scared him before he met Ym'e, but not it almost seemed kinda fun. If that was how dying was, anyway.
Ym'e? You have watched us for a long time, right? Do you know what happens to us when we die?
You return to where you came from.
And that is...?
The universe. Your light is simply energy you borrowed from the universe. And everything borrowed has to be returned sometime. When it does, your body turns into dust and the Earth takes back what has always belonged to her.
Oh... I guess I'll be dust before I know it. And nobody will notice...
I will notice.
I meant nobody from my family. I left them all behind.
Why?
The young man touched the back of his head as he felt for the uneven scar.
Can you feel that? I got this scar from a surgery when they attempted to save my life, but it was pointless. I am still dying. And I didn't want my friends and family to watch me die.
I don't think I understand. Why not?
Because it is ugly and harsh. My parents shouldn't see their eldest son die. It would destroy them. I rather have them remember me for who I was, not a sick and useless body bag, he explained as he ground his teeth on each other.
But didn't they desire to send you off on your next adventure? I thought you humans liked goodbyes?
I said my goodbyes. And we don't like goodbyes. And I will not make my parents suffer by watching me wither away like a plant. I don't want to see that pain in their eyes,he muttered, not noticing that his hand had started shaking.
So you are doing it for yourself?
No! I am doing it for them! Didn't you listen? I am trying to spare them from the pain,he yelled, his blood racing through his veins. Why was she talking about this? He didn't want to talk about it.
It sounds like you are trying to save yourself from their pain. They are in pain whether you are there to see it or not.
Ben yelled in frustration as he banged his hands against the side of his head. Shut up! You wouldn't understand! You don't have any family or friends so how would you know about any of this! You are just an alien, what would you know about love! Shut up, shut up, shut up! ' Shut up!' he exclaimed, his voice resounding into the silence of the night as it echoed through the deserted canyon. And as the sound slowly bounced against the mountain sides and died out, Ben was met with an unexpected silence, both inside and outside his head.
He reached out with his conscious to the place where he usually felt Ym'e's voice but as he was met with an emptiness, he could only conclude one thing.
Ym'e was gone.
And as he realised, a darkness fell over him and the valley. Ben looked up and as he did, he could see how the long stream of beautiful colours vanished, like a wisp of smoke getting lost in the wind.
In mere seconds, the Northern Lights disappeared.
And as he stood unprotected underneath the open sky, the cold and wind howled as they could finally attack him. With shaking legs and a splitting headache, Ben stumbled from the lake to his cabin, his good mood completely gone.
"What do you want?" he barked as Walter hopped on his shoulder, chirping in his ear. He looked at the bird and frustrated as he was, waved the animal away, dismissing the little thing.
"Chirrrp. Chirp. Chirp," Walter protested as if he didn't like being ignored. He flapped his wings and took flight, following Ben so he could land on his bush of hair. "Chirp!" he decisively added, pecking the grumpy man on the skull.
"Ai! Shoo, Walt." Ben snapped, shaking his head as he tried to throw the bird off. He was sick of people, well, aliens and birds, trying to get into his head.
"Chirrp..." the bird pouted as he hopped away, flying towards the window to gaze outside. He stretched his wings and pecked against the glass.
"Be quiet!"
Walter shook his head as he pecked his beak against the glass again, listening to the sharp sound it made. He liked it.
Ben, on the other hand, didn't. Angrily, he threw his book down and stomped over to the starling. "You want to go outside? Huh? That it? Let's go outside!" he exclaimed, grabbing the bird and marching into the cold winter's night.
Without his parka, the icy wind immediately found his bare arms, clinging onto him like only winter could. Walter pitifully chirped as the wind blew through his feathers and as he clamped his little claws around Ben's finger, he pulled his tiny head down. "Chiii... " Was all he could manage, as the coldness engulfed him.
"See! It isn't better outside. There is nothing here. Nothing!" he yelled at the miserable heap of feathers in the palm of his hand.
"NOTHING!" he bellowed, but his rage got lost into the merciless storm as it viciously attacked bird and man alike.
"Chiii..." Walter uttered, the cold and storm an unhappy reminder. The bird shivered as it dove towards Ben's hand, trying to warm him on his palm.
Ben yelled his frustration into the storm until his voice became hoarse and his limbs grew cold. And as he froze in the winter's night, his anger melted, until there was nothing more left than a hollow sadness.
He stared at the goose bumps on his arms and shivered under the hat of snow that had formed on his head. And as he slowly realised how cold he had grown, he felt Walter shake inside the palm of his hand.
The bird was positively freezing and instead of rage, he suddenly felt ashamed. He immediately cupped his hand over the bird and ran inside, the heat from the fire a warm welcome.
"I am sorry, Walt... I wasn't thinking... I was just so angry... Forgive me..." he whispered to the bird, as he blew his hot breath on the starling. "I truly am sorry, Walter... I... I seem to be doing stupid things today..." Ben admitted, letting out a deep sigh as he put the bird on his shoulder. Walter was still emitting cold and guilt flooded the young man.
He ran his hands over his head, resting on the all too familiar scar. "I... When I woke up today... My head was hurting and I felt dizzy... So dizzy... I don't think I could explain it to you, you are a bird after all... But I have never felt so faint in my life, except for one time. Right before they diagnosed me," he muttered. The fire was cracking homely beside him, but Ben had never felt so far from home.
"When they operated on me, things improved... But it seems things are going downhill again," he added, his voice emotionless.
He reached up to his shoulder and carefully took Walter in his hands. He brought the bird up to his face and as he stared into the jet black eyes, he whispered something he had been terrified to admit. "I came up here cause I thought I was ready to die... But Walt... I am scared... I don't want to die. Not here... Not now... Not alone." Ben inhaled sharply as tears welled up in his brown eyes. "Walt... I don't want to die alone," he confessed in a small voice, the young man gone as only a frightened boy remained.
"Chirrrp," was all the starling really could say, but as he looked into the glossy eyes of his companion, Ben could swear Walter almost understood what was going on. It almost seemed like he was trying to comfort him.
Ben sniffed as he wiped his nose on his arm. "At least I got you, right? And Ym'e, the girl I told you about. Well... Not anymore, I guess... My own stupid fault," he sighed, hitting his head with his hands. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered as he stared into the dark sky, void of any colour.
He missed the Northern Lights. He shouldn't have yelled at Ym'e. He had only got angry at her because she was probably right, he just didn't want to admit it.
A cloud of smoke danced from his lips and as he looked up to the moon, he made a new resolution. A promise for tomorrow.