Chapter 9

Good.

Holly couldn’t remember the last time anything had felt so good.

Two strong, lean arms wrapped around her, a mouth hotly whispering between her ear and a hand between her legs, working her into a frenzy. Her breath left her in short, frantic pants as her hips bucked against the deft fingers that plunged in and out of her. She wasn’t sure if she was screaming, moaning, or some mix of the two – only that she was on the cusp of release and she had never needed anything so badly in her entire life.

“So fucking beautiful…” The voice in her ear grew more and more familiar with every word breathed against her quivering form. While she might have thought the tone was her husbands, with each passing moment, the possessive baritone sounded more and more like Shane.

Shane.

Holly awoke with a start, drenched in sweat, the man’s name on her lips.

Within an instant, she realized that she was in her bedroom and not some insubstantial dream space – that the stickiness between her thighs was entirely her own doing. With a low groan, Holly threw off the covers, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed as she took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself.

As usual, she was blasting the air conditioning, and as such, she had no right whatsoever to be as hot as she was.

But her body, at some point, had taken leave of her mind – and at three am on a Thursday morning, she was assaulted with desire for a man that the otherwise told herself she could forget:

Shane.

Since that night in the office, Holly tried to convince herself that she was furious with the man – that nothing he could do could make her speak to him again. Of course, she realized what special brand of crazy she must appear for being mad at him for taking care of her, but Holly had long decided to use her fury as a shield.

It was a bad idea for Shane to get close to her anyway. She had far more trouble than she could handle these days; the last thing she needed was to entrap a man who had only just earned his freedom. Not even bodily entanglements with her were worth it just now…not with extortionist Kirk Luckston in the picture. He was the kind of man that would kill someone as soon as he looked at them, and Holly had no idea what she’d do if he discovered her developing feelings for Shane and got jealous.

Though she’d always considered herself strong, she didn’t know if she was strong enough to see another person killed in front of her.

Especially not Shane.

Shane, who had touched her like she’d never been touched…who had made her feel things she thought were impossible. The mere memory of him slipping inside of her – of every long, firm stroke driving her hips against the desk…Jesus Christ. No wonder her flimsy panties were soaked.

Holly rose from the bed on wobbly legs and made her way downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water. While it might cool the flush on her skin, she doubted it would quench the fire burning low in her belly.

No. Only one thing could do that – and she’d be damned if she let herself be tempted again. For all Shane knew, he wasn’t welcome in her household or the restaurant again – and all because he resisted her ridiculous demand.

Holly drank her glass of water slowly. Since Tommy died and she’d taken charge of the restaurant, she was used to being obeyed. The staff liked structure and she was happy to give it – it helped her take her mind off her grief- and so it had been a while since anyone, even Kelly, had questioned her.

When Shane had all but demanded that she get her leg seen to, it had irritated her, yes, but there had been another, unexpected side-effect: arousal.

The man telling her what to do had made her hot as hell.

As much as Holly had loved her late husband, Tommy had not been aggressive in the bedroom. He had always been a soft and tender lover, which she thought she appreciated…at least, until Shane had his way with her. When it came to sex, the man was nothing like his twin. Shane was firm, commanding, and took her pleasure more than he coaxed it from her.

Her eyes drifting closed, Holly remembered the sounds the man made as he mouthed her roughly between the legs and her bare toes curled against the cold tile floor. It had been almost two years since she’d last been with a man…Since she’d been with Tommy.

Holly knew that if she had an ounce of decency in her body, she’d feel some sort of guilt for sleeping with her husband’s brother.

…not that any sleeping had been involved.

But as Holly stood at the kitchen counter, trying to drag her conscience through the mud, she only found herself aching for Shane so badly that she trembled. God, if he would just touch her…kiss her…then maybe everything would be alright…

“Mommy?”

Holly started at the tiny voice in the dark behind her, whirling to see Maddy standing not three feet from her. She breathed a long sigh of relief as the hand she’d clutched to her breast in alarm slowly relaxed. “Maddy, honey…you scared me half to death.” She set her glass back down on the counter before starting towards her daughter. “What on earth are you doing up so late, pumpkin?”

She fully expected Madison to draw back from her. That had, after all, been her daughter’s prerogative over the past year. Madison didn’t like to be touched and she often brooded alone in her room.

This time, however, Maddy came to her, her tiny, bare feet padding across the kitchen floor until she reached her mother to curl small fingers into the fabric of the cotton nightgown Holly wore. “Mommy, where’s daddy?”

Holly flinched slightly. She’d managed to stave off her daughter’s questions about Shane for over a week now without directly having to address Maddy’s misidentification. Truth be told, she’d simply hoped that her daughter wouldn’t linger on the notion that Shane meant to stick around forever.

She should have known better.

If she really wanted to let Shane go, she would have to be gentle, yet firm with the little girl.

Silently praying, Holly knelt before her, taking Madison’s slim shoulders in a gentle grip. “Honey…you know I love you right? More than anything else in the world?” She fondly tucked a dark strand of hair behind Maddy’s ear, her heart swelling in her chest at the little girl’s radiant smile.

When Madison nodded, Holly continued with the utmost care. “Honey, your dad went away to be with the angels. We talked about this…you remember when we went to see his grave?” Already, Maddy had started to shake her head, her eyes widening. “Maddy, listen to mommy.” Holly took her hands gently. “Shane is Daddy’s brother. He’s the one who came to the house a few weeks ago- the one who bought you the doll…and I don’ t know when we’ll see him again.”

Instantly, Madison’s face crumpled. She shoved out of Holly’s arms, backing away as tears began to course down her cheeks. “I want Daddy,” She demanded on a sob, her face reddening. “I want my daddy!” Her voice rose to a pitch so shrill that Holly’s ears rang and an ache started at the base of her skull.

“Maddy, honey-”

“I want Daddy!”

Holly was tired. She’d been woken by a fearsomely arousing dream about a man she could never be with, her bi-weekly session with Kirk Luckston was just around the corner, and she was still caught between grieving for the man she loved and resenting him for the secrets he’d kept from her. She’d been stressed out for as long as she could remember, and the entire time, she’d somehow kept herself calm because she was convinced things would change.

Well, in an entire year, Maddy had changed little. She’d begun to eat, certainly, and she stopped waking Holly up every night with complaints about the temperature, but she often found herself at her wit’s end when it came to Madison’s surly, withdrawn behavior.

When Shane had come, he was a godsend simply because he allowed her a moment to stop and breathe – even if she couldn’t quite convince Madison that he wasn’t Tommy. No matter what she tried, Holly’s daughter seemed fixed in the past – there was nothing she could do to get Maddy to let go.

And all at once, it was too much for her.

“He’s gone, Madison!” The words snapped from her with the intensity of a whip, before she could stop them. “Tommy is dead! He isn’t coming back! It doesn’t matter what you want! Wanting won’t change anything! It will only make everything hurt more!”

The moment the words left her mouth, Holly regretted them. Behind the statement was a slew of emotion never meant for a child – let alone an eight year old – to be witness to. For a moment, Maddy just stared up at her, her green eyes wide and disbelieving. Then, without a word, she turned and fled up the stairs and back into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Holly had to resist the urge to immediately run after her. Beneath her burning exterior, a low simmering fury raged. She shook as she made her way back to the kitchen counter, fairly clinging to the glass of water she’d brought to her lips. As she drank, she simultaneously chastised and justified herself.

She had never been as firm with Madison as she’d needed to. She tried to give her daughter time to grieve and instead ended up overindulging her. Madison needed to learn the truth, and the sooner, the better.

…But she was her little girl. All she had left of Tommy and the eight years they had together. If she could, she would shield Madison from the entire word if only it meant she could be happy…

God, she was a terrible mother. She had just yelled at her only child.

Setting her glass back on the counter, Holly leaned over it, her shoulders hunched as her thoughts and emotions ran rampant. Though she told herself months ago that she wouldn’t cry anymore – that it was a waste of time and it was better to be active than to let your emotions drag you down – now she found hot tears coursing down her cheeks.

Jesus Christ, what was wrong with her? Fantasizing about Shane, yelling at Maddy…her world had been turned upside down recently and it seemed as if she was the cause. She and her outright craziness.

And sometimes Holly felt as if she was crazy.

After all, only a crazy woman would chastise a man she was interested in for caring about her health. For forcing her to see a doctor when she knew there had been serious damage done.

In all honesty, Holly was simply tired of being afraid all of the time. It seemed like since Tommy died, she’d hardly had a moment to catch her breath. She was scared the restaurant would never get out of debt, scared that they wouldn’t make enough money for all who worked there. Then she was scared of Kirk Luckston and his biweekly visits, before being scared that Shane, gorgeous, caring Shane, was back in her life and she’d do something monumental to fuck it up.

Her head in her hands, Holly let her body slide down the front of the cabinets to heap on the floor. She didn’t know how to feel just now. She thought she was a good mother – a good friend and a good wife to Tommy, but there was a bitterness that threatened to make her an entirely different person.

She would have to get past it. There was no other way.

The alternative was to be consumed by what she was most afraid of.