Chapter 11
Brenda and Larry put the final touches on the last home improvement project they’d do until after the holidays. Standing in the doorway of the master bath, Larry held his camera up taking pictures, Brenda ready with a cleaning rag in her hand, looking for smears of grout or dirt she might have missed.
“An entire year has passed, and this house is what we have to show for it,” Brenda said. “It calls for a celebration.”
“I agree,” Larry said, looking at her standing next to him. “I say let’s celebrate in bed. I’m ready to put some effort into making love to you.”
“We really haven’t had the time to devote to each other,” she said, shocked that he was bringing up the subject of their relationship, a formerly verboten topic.
“Well, I want to make up for it,” he said. “You’re the most important person in my life and I’ve been giving you the least amount of my time.”
“When we’re working on the house together, we’re doing it for each other.”
Brenda really meant what she said. The house was a project of love. But there were deeper, scarier notes that she’d overlooked or buried altogether that year. She couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, but she thought Larry might be having an affair. There was a stretch of time after the unfortunate visit from Bill Lassen where Larry stayed out all night on a few occasions. She texted him and he answered that he’d met up with some friends and wouldn’t be home. Rather than fight with him about it, she watched him carefully, going through his wallet when he was in the shower, checking his phone for text messages. There was a new thread of text messages with a strange telephone number which Brenda called using a pay phone in the hallway at O’Dell’s. A young woman answered, and Brenda quickly hung up.
The text messages were strangely unincriminating.
Are you home yet? From Larry.
Just walked in the door. Call me.
Terry got right to the point when Brenda confided in her. “You have a choice. Dig around, hire a PI, find out who it is. Or come out and ask him.”
“Larry won’t tell me anything,” she said. “It will only make things worse between us.”
Terry couldn’t see what was worse than her husband staying out all night and texting another woman, no matter how innocent it seemed, but she wasn’t in a position to offer any advice.
They still made love, but it was different; Brenda knew he was keeping a secret. That wall slowly continued to mount between them. The accolades of the job weren’t shared. Gossip he once loved to hear was forgotten. When her period was late, she kept that to herself, too.
On the day they stood studying the master bath, she almost told him, I think I’m pregnant. But instead, when he was making his sort of apology, she asked – around about the topic - question.
“Have you thought about having a family?”
He looked at her with a blank face. “Not lately. We haven’t been in the best place.”
She didn’t know what to do next, wanting to say but what if it just happens,
so she didn’t reply. Evidently, her past was a stumbling block to their future, and having a family was really the future. The thought of him touching her while still holding a grudge dissolved any passion she felt, so she got busy in the closet, rearranging items that had been misplaced during the renovation.
“What are you going to do now?” he asked.
“After I finish this, I’m going to walk to Geno’s for a cheesesteak,” she said. “You’re welcome to come along.”
“I thought we agreed to a celebration in bed,” he said.
“And then you brought up how we haven’t been getting along. If you’re ready to talk, Larry, we can celebrate in bed. But frankly, I’m tired of making love to a stranger.”
“Ha! That’s low,” he croaked.
“What’s low are your text messages to another woman. And staying out all night. And not looking at me when we’re having sex. That’s low.”
“What other woman?” he asked.
“Don’t play dumb. I saw the message and called the number and a young woman answered. Stop lying. As a matter of fact, we can iron this out now or we might as well get a divorce because I’m sick of it. You’re still angry about something that happened five years ago. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”
“My wife being a former prostitute has everything to do with me,” he said.
Brenda winced, his words searing like a knife. “Why are you still here then? You’re not getting over it. You don’t want to forgive me, so move on. I’m tired of being made to feel shame and guilt by my husband.”
“Is a divorce what you really want?” he asked.
“Of course not. But if you’re going to continue to hold my past against me, I don’t see what the alternative is.”
“How did me admitting I wasn’t giving you all the attention you deserved turn into a conversation about us separating?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess when two people are trying to shove their problems under the rug they will keep popping up no matter what is done to hide them.”
“Do you still want to go to Geno’s?” he asked, after a pause.
“I’ve lost my appetite,” she said, realizing she sounded like a petulant child but unable to control it. “I’m sorry I’m being so unreasonable. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Why don’t you lie down?” he said, reaching for her hand. “I promise I won’t try anything.”
Brenda let out a little giggle, feeling silly. She let Larry lead her to the bed. He pulled up the sheets and she got in, lying on her side. “Maybe I do need to rest for a while,” she said, closing her eyes.
Sitting next to her on the edge of the bed, he stroked her hair and face, looking at her, feeling bad about everything that had happened. It made a huge difference to him that she’d taken money for sex during college. He should have left the marriage right away, but he kept hoping its impact would lessen over time. Instead, it grew, his imagination taking flight. Perfect, innocent Brenda was not so perfect and innocent after all. In a moment of mania he tried to find the two men he’d met to question them further. Fortunately, it wasn’t that easy.
“I can’t leave you,” he said. “I love you so much. But I’m afraid I’ll destroy us if I keep blaming you.”
Brenda rolled onto her back. “Larry, I think I’m pregnant,” she said. “I wasn’t going to say anything because it’s a crappy reason to stay together. A perfect way to screw up a kid if you don’t love me.”
“I do love you, though,” he said. “I’m hurt and pissed off that you didn’t tell me about your past.”
“I’ve tried to tell you I wasn’t thinking of it,” she said. “That’s how little impact it made on me. We keep repeating this. What do you think of what I just told you, that I could be pregnant?”
He stood up and paced, picking at his cuticle. “Did you miss a period?”
“Yes. The second one is late now.”
Childishly, he slapped his thighs. “Two months? Why didn’t you tell me right away?”
“Larry, why would I? You have been so mean to me. Today is the first civil conversation we’ve had in months.”
“Did you take a test?” he asked.
“No, not yet. I was hoping it would come,” she said, defeated.
“Come on, let’s walk to Geno’s. We can drop in at CVS while we’re down there.”
He held out his arm for her to grab and she did, laughing when he pulled her up. “We’re just going through a thing,” he said. “But it’s no reason to split up. I don’t want to live without you.”
“Then can you cut me a break? Because this is not easy.”
“I’ll cut you a break,” he said, bending down to kiss her. “You’re my Brenda.”
“Yes, from day one, I’m yours. But are you mine? If we’re going to move forward, you need to level with me about the girl in the text messages.”
“It was nothing,” he said. “It was almost something, but I came to my senses before it was too late.”
“Great,” Brenda said, grimacing. “Who is she?”
“A nurse at work,” he answered.
“Is she going to be a problem for you?” Brenda asked, looking him in the eye.
“Not now,” he said, reaching down to place his hand with fingers outstretched over her belly.
“That’s not very reassuring, Larry.”
“I’m sorry. No, she’s not a problem,” Larry said. “Besides, Arvin would kill me.”
“Great. Arvin knows you were seeing someone else?”
“I wasn’t seeing her yet and Arvin didn’t know,” Larry answered. “No one knew.”
“One of the things I liked about you from the beginning was your lack of sarcasm. So stop it.”
“I’m just nervous,” he said.
“What are you nervous about?” she asked.
“It should be obvious. That you might be pregnant.”
“We’ve never really talked about having a family, have we?” she asked. “I didn’t think I wanted kids.”
“Oh, I don’t think I knew that, did I?” he asked, frowning.
“It’s just that coming from the family I did, the chaos, everything stretched to its limit, including my parents’ attention, I didn’t want that. Don’t want that ever.”
“We won’t then,” he said. “Are you ready to go?”
They bundled up against the freezing evening, snow in the air, you could almost see the ice crystals.
“We should have a fire tonight,” Larry said. “I hope we have the coldest weather this winter so we can have fires every night.”
“Wow, so romantic,” Brenda said, smiling. She reached for his hand. “This is nice, walking with you in our neighborhood. It’s something I thought we’d do more of, honestly.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Once I get home it’s difficult to leave.”
They reached the drugstore and bought the test. Then they went to the restaurant and put their order in. The smells of the food drove her crazy on the walk home.
“Oh boy that smells so good! It’s your fried onions,” Brenda said.
They reached home and forgot about the test for half an hour. Starting a fire took precedence. Then, they spread out in front of the fireplace with their dinner. Catching up with each other took some of the sting out of the mental separation they’d experienced. Brenda told him about the cases she worked on with Terry. Larry told her about the famous person who came into the ER with an ice pick in his neck.
They shared a soda, dividing it into two ice-filled glasses, no one saying Brenda shouldn’t drink alcohol, just in case.
When they finished eating, she brought up the test first. “I think I’ll do the pregnancy test.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“That’s okay, Larry. Stay here. I’ll bring it right over.”
He waited for her, looking at his watch. Feeling neutral, if she was pregnant, it would take some adjusting to. The previous summer they talked about buying a house down the Jersey shore. That would probably not happen. If she was pregnant, they’d have to work on their marriage. It was either worth it, or it wasn’t. And if it wasn’t, they’d have to think about ending it.
“Here it is,” she said. “Look at your watch. Two minutes.”
Placing it on a fold of tissue, they waited for two minutes. She picked it up and compared it to the illustration on the box. “Negative,” she said, feeling sad. “I’m sort of disappointed.”
“We can always try,” he said.
“Ugh, I’m not ready for that,” Brenda replied, still looking at the test.
“You need to see a doctor to find out why you’re late.”
Getting up, she headed to the kitchen. “Wine?” she called.
“Vouvray,” he answered.
She came back and handed him the bottle and a corkscrew, putting two glasses on the coffee table. “This is so romantic,” she said, nodding to the fire. “I should be more emotional about the test.”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “I’m just sorry you went for an entire month wondering about it without my support.”
“Honestly, I’m fine. I’m glad now,” she said, taking a big breath and exhaling. “I’m not ready to start a family. We’ve never talked about it as one of our goals. If it’s just Larry and Brenda, that’s enough for me. But what about for you?”
“I was shocked for a second. I might have been a little hopeful. But then I was scared,” he said. “So I guess I’m relieved it was negative. I’m so much older than you, if I had a kid now, when I’m sixty-two he’d only be twenty. That might be too old to parent.”
“Should we do something permanent about it?” Brenda asked gently, knowing how weird some men were about their testicles.
“Like get snipped? I’m not sure if I’m ready to be that permanent. You’re still so young. Don’t you want more time to think about it?”
“I really don’t think I need any more time,” she said. “Plus you just contradicted yourself. You said you were too old. Waiting isn’t going to make you younger. Plus I’m happy we can get a shore house.”
“You were thinking about that, too? I guess we know what we want. A shore house.” He put his hand in the air and she hit it.
“To a shore house!” she shouted.