“YOU OKAY?” I ASK MEGAN for the tenth time tonight.
She looks up from where she had been watching Molly color on her children’s menu and gives me a weak smile. Not answering verbally, but telling me without a doubt that she is far from okay with just one look.
I glance at Molly, seated in between us at the half circle table before turning back to Megan. “We’re going to talk, darlin’.”
Her eyes close and she nods, but again no words.
“Leelee! Look, I made you!”
I continue to look at Megan and try not to let the worry that she’s holding something back show on my face when I look at Molly.
Molly turns her menu and when I see what she’s drawn, I pull her close and give her a hug.
“Tell me about it?” I ask her.
“Okay! That right there is you,” she says pointing to the blue stick figure. “This is Mommy,” she continues, pointing to the red one. “This is me,” her finger goes to the yellow one. “And this is going to be my baby brother or sister,” she finishes, pointing to the little green dot that I didn’t even notice before.
I fight to keep my body loose and look over at Megan. Her eyes are wet, but she’s holding it back.
“Oh yeah?” I ask Molly, not moving my eyes from Megan.
“Oh yeah,” she says in wonderment her melodious voice sparkling with awe. “Can I have a baby now?” Her eyes don’t leave mine and I have to work even harder now to push down the emotion that threatens my own chest.
“Little bird,” Megan whispers.
“I really want a baby now,” Molly returns her own voice now as hushed as her mother’s.
“That’s not how it works, sweets,” Megan continues.
“But, why?”
I clear my throat and move my eyes from Megan’s pleading ones to Molly’s hopeful ones.
“But you said Leelee is going to stick like gum. You said it. That means if he’s my new daddy, that you and Leelee can give me a baby!”
“Hey,” I butt in when I see how much this is costing Megan. “I’m already stuck like bubblegum, little lady. Stuck so sticky and gooey that I’ll happily be stuck forever. One day, but not now, okay? And Molly, I love you and your mommy, and if one day I’m lucky enough for you to call me daddy, it will stick some more happiness right to my heart with a huge big piece of bubblegum, but I won’t be your new daddy. I’ll be your other daddy.”
“Why?” she asks, her voice still small but her smile big.
“Because you, little lady, already have a daddy and even though he’s not here anymore doesn’t mean he isn’t always with you.”
I look up when I hear Megan sniffle and reach out to grab her hand over the table. Molly lets the subject drop, but even through her continuous chatter throughout dinner, Megan remains quiet and I know whatever was weighing on her mind hasn’t been made any easier.
“Talk to me, Megan,” I demand.
She walks around the couch and sits. I notice, but don’t call her out on it, that she purposely placed her body out of arm’s length.
Ever since Molly’s bomb dropped at dinner, the dark mood she’s carried with her since I arrived at the house has continued. I’ve waited, not wanting to press while Molly was awake, and put on a smile for her sake. But now, Molly is in bed and I’m not putting up with this shit.
“I won’t ask again, darlin’. I haven’t seen you in over a week, a long week with your goodnight calls being the only thing pushing me through, but now that I finally have you where I want you, you’re a million miles away. What gives?”
“Dani’s pregnant,” she says.
“Good for Dani. Good for Cohen. Not that I’m shocked seeing as they can’t keep their hands off each other. Now I know that isn’t what has you walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders, so what. Is. The. Problem?” I push, my frustration clear as can be in my voice.
“You wear a gun,” she oddly says.
“Not when I’m off duty. I don’t have one on me right now.”
“You wear a gun,” she repeats, her voice growing louder. Panicked.
“Yeah, Megan. I wear a gun. I’m a cop. We wear guns.”
“You wear a vest.”
“Yeah. Again, I’m a cop.”
“You wear a gun and a vest, Lee!” she shrieks and I draw back at her tone.
“Darlin’,” I call, my frustration bleeding out the instant I realized what this is about. “They’re to keep me safe.”
“You . . . you wear a gun and a vest, Lee,” She quivers and wraps her arms around her body.
I don’t respond, but I do move so that I can pull her into my arms.
“I thought we were past this, baby. I wear them because for one it’s part of my uniform, but they’re also there to keep me safe. I know how to work a gun, Megan. I’ve known how to work one since I was five. I also know what to do if something happens and I need my gun. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her body shakes in my hold and her tears wet my shirt.
“Megan, please, darlin’, hold onto me and don’t let this pull you under.”
“Just the thought of something happening to you kills me, Lee. What if something happens for real? What if I lose you too?” she mumbles against my chest after her cries die.
It tears me to my core to see her hurting. I’ve wondered if something like this would come up, but I never considered her fearing my career. Putting myself in her shoes though, it makes sense, and I kick myself for not seeing it sooner. Preparing for it.
“I’m not going anywhere, Megan. Stuck like gum, remember?”
Her body curls closer and she doesn’t speak.
“I love you, Megan. Do you really think, for one second, that now that I have you I wouldn’t take every care in the world to make sure I never lose you? That includes my own safety. Things happen, every day things happen, and God willing I hope they never happen to us. If I was ever in the need of my gun or my vest, you have no fears in the knowledge that I will use both to make sure I always come back to you.”
Her head comes up and her tear filled eyes blink a few times before she whispers, “You love me?”
“Head over heels, in fucking love, darlin’,” I utter back.
“You’re in love with me?”
“I’ll say it as many times as you need it, but it won’t change. I’m in love with you. I love you. I love you, Megan—you and Molly. So fucking in love with you that I knew it even before you said your first word to me.”
Her tears pick up, this time silent, and her eyes continue to search mine.
“I didn’t even pause when your daughter asked me if I was going to be her daddy, not when she asked for a baby, and not when I made it clear to her that should I get that honor—and it would be an honor, Megan—that I would love every second of it. Because I can tell you right now, what we’ve been building, that’s the plan. You, Molly and whatever children you give me will never, for a second, doubt how much I love them.”
“Your job is scary dangerous to me, Lee.”
“I understand, darlin’. I’m not saying that fear is going to go away, but we will work to make sure you can and know how to handle it, okay?”
She nods her head, the motion making some of the wetness in her eyes roll over and down her cheek.
“You love me?” she probes.
“Fuck, you’re cute.”
“I love you, Lee. I’m so in love with you that it’s terrifying, but what’s the most scary is I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know if I’m doing it right.”
My chest swells, my heart speeds up and I swear with the way I feel right now, I might as well be Superman. Fuck, hearing her say that. Knowing that it’s costing her to admit, not only to herself but out loud, that she feels love for me that she never felt for her husband.
“There isn’t a wrong way to love someone, Megan. You keep giving me you and I swear that you will never regret giving me that.”
“I’m still scared, Lee.”
“We’ll work on that too, darlin’. One step at a time.”
She nods.
I close the distance between our mouths and kiss her deep. Deep and full of unspoken promise. “Go check to make sure Molly is sleeping, baby.”
She doesn’t move. Her eyes still half mast and if I had to guess, she hasn’t come out of the fog that kiss put over her.
“Megan. Go make sure Molly is sleeping. And do it quick before I strip you down and fuck you right here.”
She almost trips over her feet when she hurries off the couch and back down the hall. I take my time, making sure the door is locked and the house is shut down, because I have no intention of leaving after tonight.