2

 

CARINA

 

Ten-Years-Old

 

We have been here for hours trying to hone my shooting skills, and we’ve gotten nowhere. All he ever worries about is training. Evening, noon, and night—it’s all we ever do.

I get so tired of it sometimes. So tired of the pain, anger, and destruction he wants me to embrace. It’s not me; never has been.

Instead, I want what every other ten-year-old wants—to be free and have fun with kids my own age.

“Why can’t you do anything fucking right?!” my father yells at the top of his lungs. “We’ve been at this for hours, and you’re still just as useless as when we started!” He runs his fingers through his hair, pulling a few strands loose in exasperation.

Why can’t he just let me be? I don’t want to do this, don’t want to get caught up in all of his mess. Dammit, I just want to be a kid again.

Yet, I know that’s never going to happen. I’ll never be able to do what I want when I want. No one, except my familia, is allowed to know I exist. It’s just part of the package, apparently. And everyone who does know I exist has been paid handsomely to keep their trap shut about who I am, all courtesy of Mr. Calvetti. The man I’ve yet to meet, and I’m not sure I want to at this point.

Last night, I was talking on the phone to my brother after our father went to bed. Our father doesn’t like for me and Luca to talk. He says Luca will give me all the wrong ideas and I need to stay steadfast in my mission. What mission that is, I have no idea, but Luca is my brother—the only person who’s ever nice to me even though it’s through a phone call. I can’t give him up.

I know my father would kill me if he knew I was reaching to the outside world, least of all to Luca, but I needed to talk to someone. Needed to get things off my chest, and the only person who ever seems to listen to me is my brother. So, I embraced the knowledge that if my father found me on the phone, I’d get in trouble and would take my punishment with honor.

I took the chance, just like I do many nights, and cuddled in the corner to talk to Luca. I was telling him about how I don’t want to train anymore. Telling him I wish people knew me so I could be a regular kid, wanting to join the softball team at our local school so I could make some friends. We talked until late into the night, each whispering our dreams and aspirations with the other until the battery went dead in the cell and I had to place it back through the storm window in the basement.

It’ll never happen, though. I’ll never be able to get out of here. Father always likes keeping me his secret and says I don’t have time for such frivolous activities when I’m meant for something more important. That I need to brush up on my skills, focus on the job ahead of me. Not to mention if he ever found out I was contacting my brother, he would go crazy. Luca is supposed to be dead to me.

That’s a whole other can of worms, my brother. He left when I was four and never came back. My father was pissed beyond all reason. He took it out on me, throwing me into the basement and leaving me there until he had what he called an “epiphany”—whatever that means. That day, I started training. I was weak, hungry, and dirty, but my father wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I was to be my brother’s new replacement, and a force to be reckoned with.

I often call my brother on the phone when I can. Even though he left me here, I love him—more than life itself. Lately, it seems like he’s the only thing keeping me grounded in this messed-up life.

He calls and sends texts just to make me smile. He tells me all this will be over soon, and that he has a plan for us. The sound of affection exuding from his words causes a smile to break my normally stoic mask every time. No matter how hard I try to keep my face blank of anything, I’ll always have a place in my heart for my brother.

But I dare not smile while in the presence of my father. The last time I did, he went ballistic. Screaming that if I’m going to be what he wants me to be, then I shouldn’t show even the slightest hint of emotions. That I don’t need to disappoint him, or he will find a way to deal with my emotional leak.

That’s all I am to my father. An emotional leak he’ll do absolutely anything to fix.

Blinding pain rips me from my thoughts, right before I notice I’m falling to the floor. I land with a teeth-jarring thud, reaching up instinctually with the cuff of my sleeve to wipe away the blood starting to drip from my lip.

I wipe across a split, wincing as pain slices through me. Taking my finger, I prod the tender spot while looking up from the ground. Staring mutely at the man looming over me, looking three seconds away from murder with the rage filling his eyes, I remain silent and ready myself for anything he’s about to give me for my impudence.

“What have I told you about getting lost in your thoughts? I swear, one of these days, girl, I’m going to get tired of cutting you slack and start taking your fuck ups out of your ass. Here I am, trying to teach you something and you can’t even pay attention. Instead, your brain’s floating off in la-la land,” he says, shaking his head like I’m a big waste of his time.

Crying, allowing the tears to drip off the tips of my lashes, I whisper, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ll try harder next time,” I tell him, knowing that there won’t be a next time if we have anything to say about it—my brother and me.

That’s right, there won’t be a next time because my brother and I have worked it out. He ran away when he was fourteen, and that’s exactly what I plan to do tonight. I can’t live like this anymore.

Luca says he’ll take me somewhere our father will never find us, and that I will always be safe and never have to worry again. Just the thought of never worrying about what our father will do is incentive enough to run. It teases me with the thought of having a life I’ve yearned for since before I can remember.

I believe him because he’s always been there for me. A shoulder to cry on, and a number to dial in case I need help. I know if I ever needed him, he would come through for me. But until now, I didn’t need it. I didn’t feel the need to get away from him. However, steadily our father is becoming more forceful with his training. He’s working me to the bone day in and day out. He refuses to “fuck up again” as he says and will do right by my training this time.

Looking up, I see the sun just now dropping below the horizon. I can’t stop the gleeful feeling from spearing through me as I take in the hue of orange, pinks, and purples dotting the eastern sky. It’s finally quitting time. It’s finally time to start our plan for me to leave here and never return.

My father will surely send me to my room now as punishment for disappointing him, and that’s the catalyst I’m waiting on. He always hates when I get stuff wrong, and when I cry. I know he will make me go to bed without dinner, just as he has many times before, but the thought of leaving here is more appealing than any morsel of food I can ingest. I can smell the first strings of freedom, and I’m chomping at the bit for more.

I look at him as he says, “You know, I have a hard time telling you and your brother apart. He was a sniveling coward, too. Always crying, never up to par. Looks like I should have just abstained rather than bring two worthless individuals into this world. Mark my words, Carina, you will be what I want you to be.” He points a solitary finger at me. “Or I will take you out of this world myself.”

Gathering myself up from the ground, I reluctantly take the same route he did up the stairs just moments before. My eyes flick to my room, an overpowering need blazing over me to run in that direction instead of following my father. But I just barely resist the urge and continue my trek up the stairs. The only thing I need is to be put in the hole my father likes to threaten me with. I have to stay as free as possible, so I can hopefully get out of here when he goes to bed.

So, I can finally be free.