I was beaming.

I’d gotten the role. And not just any role, the lead role, beating Harlow and proving to everyone I was a force to be reckoned with. I couldn’t stop grinning, and not even Harlow’s beatific smile dissuaded me. So she’d gotten the Sugarplum Fairy. I’d gotten Clara, a much bigger role with more parts in the play. There was no doubt I was chosen over her. And I was going to be the best dancer in that play, just like I was in the studio.

Usually, being a bitch wasn’t one of my qualities. I was nice, and I genuinely liked Harlow. But when it came to dancing, my competitive side came out to play. Especially now, with the news of being pregnant, I felt like I made the competition twice as hard just because of the baby growing inside me.

The truth was, I should have made him use protection. We should have been more careful and not relied on pulling out. It was done, though, and I still had a baby inside my belly, a baby that would now grow up without a father.

As we practiced in the studio, I let my mind wander, thinking about the previous night.

The events of a night I would have to keep to myself forever.

My very first dirty, dark little secret.

***

The test could have been wrong.

The big plus on it screamed the truth in my face even when I refused to acknowledge it. But it was right there, plainly visible.

Pregnant.

I let out a choked little sob and covered my mouth with my fist so nobody would hear. I was pretty sure I was the last girl in the changing room, but I didn’t want to risk it. I wrapped the test in some toilet paper and tossed it in the wastebasket before leaving the stall. I put on a brave face, splashing some water over my red-rimmed eyes.

I would just need to think about this rationally. It wasn’t the end of the world, right? I could get rid of it. My parents never needed to know. Or I could keep it. Or give it up for adoption. My life would change forever, but I’d have a little human being to share it with. There were so many possibilities my head pounded with the thought of them all.

I packed my things in a hurry and said goodbye to a distracted Madame, who just muttered something in response, busy with a visitor. Throwing all my things in my backpack, I made for the door, my fingers shakily holding my phone and deciding what to type in the text.

Hey. Can you meet me at the studio later?

I sent off the text and bit my lip nervously. Heading down into the underground station, I bumped into a family and scrambled back to my feet when the mum with her hands full knocked me over. She apologized profusely and made a fuss over me, but my eyes were focused on her kids. A little girl held her hand and a baby boy in a pram while the dad stood uselessly to the side. I stared wide-eyed at that baby, and then I bit my bottom lip, painfully digging my teeth into the skin.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, tearing away from their overpowering apologies, the soothing hands.

I needed to get away. I couldn’t stand another second next to them.

Stumbling onto a different platform, I got on the first tube that arrived. I only realized where I was a couple of stops later. I was shaking so badly, scared and on the verge of tears from that simple human contact.

Once I realized where I was heading, I recognized the next stop as Harlow’s. I’d only been to her place once, but in that moment, I had an overwhelming desire to go see her, tell her what was going on and explain my situation. Harlow would understand. She was a nice, kind girl. I trusted her.

I nearly fell when I got off the tube, and my hand flew to my belly on an impulse. It only made me sob again.

With some trouble, I managed to find Harlow’s building.

She was a good friend, just like I knew she would be. She didn’t say a word, just made me a cup of tea, and then told me all the right things I needed to hear.

Under the table, I kept checking my phone, and finally, an hour into my visit, I got a text back.

I’ll meet you now. Usual spot?

I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my shirt and got up, ready to leave. Harlow understood. Harlow was so very nice. I was lucky to have her.

One more tube ride and I was at the studio.

I crossed my arms in front of my body, trying to preserve some heat. It was a damn cold night.

I rounded the corner until I came into the back alley behind the studio. He was already there.

Looking at him again, I tried to reawaken every feeling I’d had for him. He was going to be the father of my baby, after all. Surely I had to feel something besides the blind attraction, the neediness of my body and the wetness between my legs when he touched me in all those hidden spots?

“Tommy,” I whispered, and he turned around to face me.

A grin lit up his face, and he reached me in two quick steps, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear while I looked away, blushing.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said darkly.

Right then, I realized he thought this was just another one of our hookups. Like the ones before, when we were half passed out on cheap wine and high on the feeling of our bodies mashing together.

“Wait,” I said, pushing him back a little. “I want to talk to you.”

“Nothing to talk about,” he said roughly, pressing himself against me, his hands all over me. “All I care about is you… that sweet pussy of yours. You thought I’d forgotten?”

I struggled against him, but he wouldn’t let go, just chuckled and held on tighter.

“Tommy!” I cried out. “I’m pregnant.”

He let go of me like I was on fire. His eyes searched mine in panic, trying to find out whether this was the truth, so I just nodded and lowered my gaze to the ground. In that moment, I felt deeply ashamed. And his next words only served to make matters worse.

“How could you let this happen?” he barked at me. “What are you going to do about it?”

Right away, any thoughts of dealing with this together flew out the window. He thought it was my fault, and he would continue to blame me for it until the end.

“I… I don’t know,” I said softly.

“You’re going to get rid of it, right?”

I raised my eyes to him, his expression dark and menacing. The only thing I could do was shrug, making him laugh maniacally and run his fingers through his hair.

“You can’t be serious, Carina,” he said. “You can’t keep the thing. It’s going to ruin everything for you.”

He would never be involved. It would always just be me and the baby, the “thing” he kept mentioning. Like it wasn’t even real. I hated him, despite the attraction still burning in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him out of my life. I didn’t even want him involved. Whatever happened to the baby and me would be solely my problem.

“I’ll take care of it,” I said firmly. “Just, hold me. Please.”

I moved closer to embrace him, but the second I drew nearer, he let out a disgusted snarl and pushed me back. I tripped, falling on my ass, and stared up at him with tears welling in my eyes.

“Don’t touch me,” he grunted.

And then suddenly, we were no longer alone.

A tall, dark, and menacing figure approached us and in seconds, wrapped their fingers around Tommy’s throat.

I was so shocked I couldn’t even shriek. I just stared at what was happening before me, my heart pounding as Tommy’s eyes bulged and his head lolled to the side.

The dark figure turned around to face me. It was a man. He wore a suit under his dark hooded overcoat, but his eyes burned with hatred.

“Would you have me spare him?” he asked in a dark, low voice. “The father of your unborn child. Do you want it to have a dad?”

I stared at him, my mind swimming. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Tommy. The man who had assaulted me, the man who fucked a baby into me and was now pretending it was all my fault.

I imagined a life where I had the baby, and Tommy had to be a father. Maybe marrying him out of obligation, being forced to sleep with him when I didn’t really want to. A lifetime of being pushed around, mistreated. The baby growing up in a bad environment, in a family where only one parent gave a shit about it.

And what was the alternative? Tommy resenting me for the rest of my life, never spending any time with the kid, just being a constant disappointment. Harming the kid in ways that would fuck up its head.

“No,” I said firmly, and I watched the man choke the life out of him.

His body dropped to the ground with a thud once he was done. My head spun as I sat on the ground. My knees would have buckled if I tried to get up.

The man approached me, but for some reason, I didn’t shrink back in fear. He offered his hand, gloved in shiny black leather, and I took it. The hand that had killed the father of my child. He helped me stand, and I smoothed my dress, looking anywhere but at him. I wasn’t scared. Somehow, I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me like he had Tommy.

“You will never speak of this night to anyone,” he told me firmly. His voice had an American accent. “If you do, I will find out, and I will kill you.”

I didn’t doubt his words. I’d just seen him kill someone in cold blood. I knew he was telling the truth. One wrong word and my life would be over.

“I swear.” I nodded, finally raising my eyes to his.

He was incredibly handsome and impossibly tall. I felt something churning in the pit of my stomach when I looked at him, but I couldn’t even hate myself for it. I was hot for the man who’d killed my lover, the father of my unborn child. I should have been deeply embarrassed, but all I felt was desire for this mysterious stranger who’d just saved me from a nightmarish future.

“I hope you keep your word,” he said, stepping closer to me.

My heart fluttered when he raised his hand and touched his fingers to my cheek.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said simply, his fingers trailing down to wrap around my neck. “But if you make me, I will.”

And then, he turned and left, disappearing into the shadows of the alley.

I took a deep breath, not taking a single last look at Tommy’s body on the ground. Instead, I turned and walked away with my heart pounding. Robotically, I returned home and got ready for bed. I climbed between the sheets and stroked my belly absentmindedly as I let my mind wander.

***

“Carina!”

I turned towards the sound of the voice, seeing Harlow’s beaming face. Amber was there too. She’d been cast as an understudy, but she was still thrilled. She was too young to get a bigger part, and I was grateful for that. She could have been serious competition otherwise.

“We’re going out to celebrate,” Harlow said, smiling brightly. “You want to come with us?”

I thought of the alternative. Lying in my bed, worrying about what had happened the previous night, the memories plaguing me.

“Yes.” I smiled back. “I’ll come with you.”

There was no denying that what happened in the back alley shaped me, changed me.

I just didn’t know what an impact it had made yet.

As I left with the girls, I was still innocent.

But I wouldn’t stay that way for long.