Since the night we’d broken up, I’d picked up my phone to call Lachlan approximately eleventy billion times, but each time I’d set it back down again.

After all, what was I going to say?

He’d made himself clear. Until I was ready to acknowledge him publicly, he couldn’t be with me.

I’d been furious, but as time wore on, I allowed myself to see things from his point of view. Which only made me feel even more miserable about the whole thing. Because the truth was, he’d been a saint to put up with my shit for as long as he had.

Looking back, I wished we would have kept things casual, that it had only been about sex. Because if we had, I might not miss him like mad. I might not constantly feel like an essential part of me had gone missing.

“You look like shit,” my teammate James observed, plopping down next to me on the bench.

I scrubbed my hand over my face and then stared down at it, my knuckles bloody from our hard-fought victory less than an hour before.

“Yeah,” I conceded. “That was a rough one.”

James clapped me on the back. “It was, but I wasn’t talking about the match.”

“Oh?” I asked, dragging my eyes to his.

He nodded, and his lips formed a hard line. “You played like a beast out there tonight, but I meant in general. All week you’ve had this haunted, angry look in your eyes. Like you’re pissed off at the world, but you can’t figure out why.”

I blinked back my surprise.

While I was tempted to tell my teammate everything was grand, something kept me from saying the words spoken so easily a thousand times before. The truth was, things were a fucking mess, and I was miserable.

“I might be going through some stuff,” I admitted, shoving my gear into my bag.

James nodded sagely and pawed at the reddish blonde stubble lining his jaw. “It’s not my place to pry, but I thought maybe you need to get out more. You’ve been here for months, but you haven’t really integrated with your teammates off the pitch.”

Spoken like the team captain, I thought with a smirk.

“You volunteering to be my new bestie?” I asked in jest.

While I had to trust these guys on the pitch and vice versa, I hadn’t moved to Edinburgh to make friends. These two seasons were a means to an end. If I’d have had my way, I’d still be in Dublin, hanging out with Declan and Aidan every weekend.

Except you wouldn’t be hanging out with Declan and Aidan anymore, my subconscious reminded me. Not with Sophie back in the picture; and certainly not with Aidan’s son and money-grubbing wife to take care of.

Okay, so maybe not.

But that didn’t mean I was looking to form any lifelong friendships while playing alongside this lot.

And yet …

“Sure,” James continued easily. “Me, Rory, Hamish—any of us. We look out for our own. Hell, I know Rory’s itching to hook you up with his girl’s sister or some shit. She won’t stop talking about it.”

“Nah,” I said, waving away the offer. “I’m good.”

“You got someone back in Dublin?” he asked, eyeing me shrewdly.

“No, nothing like that.”

“Well, I know you’re not a monk,” James said chuckling as he gestured at my face.

While I’d bristled at his comments about my appearance at first, I’d soon learned it was just his way. As far as he was concerned, the team was made up of pretty boys and ugly fuckers. For his part, he was one of the ugly ones. Not that he was hideous or anything, but he could use some time with an orthodontist, and his cauliflower ears were beyond repair. Thankfully, through a combination of scrum caps and tape, my ears had avoided the same fate.

“Because if you ask me,” he added, “you’re too damn pretty not to be getting some on the regular.”

I chewed my lip and considered my response. Clearing my throat, I said, “The thing is, I met someone.”

James’s eyebrows shot up his forehead. “You’ve been holding out, my man.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling my cheeks heating.

“So that’s why you’ve been so quick to get your ass out of here after practice.”

“You know how it is,” I said with a shrug by way of explanation.

While there were post-workout protocols to follow, I’d also regularly rushed back to Lachlan’s apartment before he went downstairs to the man the restaurant for one of his amazing massages. The fact that those visits frequently resulted in me coming down his throat afterward was just the cherry on top of the motherfucking sundae.

“Shit, you’re blushing. She must be something.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a nod. “Pretty fucking amazing, actually.”

James slapped his mangled palms to his knees and pushed to his feet. “Well, that settles it then. You and the missus need to come by my place for dinner sometime. My Mary won’t take no for an answer.” He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to accept the offer.

Meanwhile, over his shoulder, I spied Hamish watching the exchange, his eyes sympathetic with understanding. He notched his chin, just a fraction of an inch, a subtle reminder of his earlier pledge of support.

Inwardly, I quaked with nerves while externally I was the very picture of calm.

This is your chance, my subconscious said. Just tell him the truth.

But could I?

Declan and Aidan had my back without question, and Hamish had been surprisingly supportive of my plight, but that was only because he had a sister in a similar situation. What would James say if he found out my missus was actually a mister?

Shit, I frequently had my hands all over his body and my head all up in his business. If he found out I was with another man, would he freak out on me? Would he cause problems for my position on the team? As the captain, he certainly could.

But then I considered the other side of the coin.

I’d been miserable without Lachlan. Every morning when I woke up, I turned on my pillow, seeking him out, only to be struck anew with the pain of losing him. Two nights ago, I’d woken up in the middle of the night, my pillow wet with the tears I’d shed in my sleep.

Before walking out on him, I’d admitted that I might be in love with him, but now I knew there was no might about it. Improbable as it was, I was full on, head-over-heels in love with the man.

And I’d let him go. For what? Because I was afraid of what people would say about me?

Fucking my way through Dublin, that had never been a concern. When people had joked about what a manwhore I was, I’d laughed right along with them. But now that I was happy and in love with someone, I was going to keep that relationship a secret? I was going to deny there was someone out there who gave me something no one else ever had before? When I thought about it like that, none of it made any sense at all.

With a surge of adrenaline, I planted my feet and rose to my full height, three inches taller than James’s impressive six feet two inches. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Hamish move around his gear. Within seconds, he was nearby, a gesture of unspoken support at my side.

“Does the offer still stand if my missus is actually a mister?” I asked, the words rushing together in a nervous question.

James blinked, and his thick brows dropped into a deep vee. “But all those articles,” he said, referencing all the gossip about which Dublin debutante or wanna-be model or actress I was dating.

Most of those “dates” were one-offs, set up by our respective PR teams, but yeah, I’d fucked most of those girls. Hell, I’d pretty much fucked every female who’d expressed interest, all while keeping my own masculine interests deeply hidden.

I shrugged. “I’m bi,” I said, the words coming out strangled. I cleared my throat and started again. “My boyfriend’s the chef at CAMP, the one from our team dinner a couple months back.”

Sweat trickled down my spine, and my heart hammered in my chest.

James’s mouth dipped into a confused frown, and then his eyes met mine. “Well, why didn’t you say so? We’ve all been trying to set you up, figuring you were lonely or something.”

“Nope, not lonely,” I said, remembering all the quiet days and nights I’d spent with Lachlan. Even when we weren’t fucking, they were some of the best of my life.

Just then, James’s eyes flicked to Hamish. “Did you know?”

The big man to my left nodded once. “I might have.”

“And you didn’t tell us?” James asked accusingly.

“Figured it wasn’t my place,” Hamish answered, shrugging one of his big, hulking shoulders. “If Liam wanted you assholes to know, he’d have told you himself.”

“But he told you?” James asked, glancing between us with a perplexed scowl.

I understood his confusion. Hamish and I hadn’t exactly gotten off on the best foot, and even now, we weren’t what you’d call friendly.

“Nah, I accidentally saw them together,” Hamish explained, and then repeated the story he’d confided to me a couple of weeks before.

And that’s when Ed Darcy strolled over. “What’s up?”

When no one immediately answered, he glanced from James to Hamish, and then to me. James raised his eyebrows my direction, and I pulled in a deep breath. I figured both Hamish and James would keep my counsel if I asked them to, but the whole point of telling James in the first place had been so my relationship with Lachlan wasn’t a dirty little secret anymore.

I clasped my palm around the nape of my neck, the short hairs there damp with perspiration. “I … ehm … I was telling … ehm … telling James about my … ehm … about my boyfriend.” Between my heart beat clanging in my ears and the panic eating away the lining of my gut, it took me almost half a minute to get the sentence out.

When I finished, I waited for the look of horror or revulsion to cross Ed’s face, but it never came. Instead, he grinned widely and called out to Rory, “You owe me a hundred quid!”

From across the room, Rory flipped him the bird and kept walking toward the showers.

“You knew?” I asked wearily, dropping my hand.

“I didn’t know,” he answered, “but I suspected.”

“How?” I asked, trying to figure out where I’d messed up and given myself away. I’d been so damn careful.

Ed chuckled, and shook his head. “First, if you’re going to pretend to be straight, you probably shouldn’t stare at another man like you want to eat him for breakfast.”

“Huh?”

“Our team dinner. You couldn’t keep your eyes off that chef. I’m guessing he’s your man?”

I nodded, and my heart danced a jig in my chest, happy to be able to answer in the affirmative for the first time.

Except, he’s not your boyfriend anymore, that nagging voice at the back of my head chimed in.

Right. Except for that, I conceded inwardly with a wilt of my shoulders.

“You said first?” I pointed out, curious to know what else I’d done to trigger Ed’s suspicions. “Is there a second?”

He hitched his bag higher on his shoulder, and with a grin splitting his lips, extended his hand. “Welcome to the club, asshole.”

Hesitantly, I reached out and clasped it. My confusion must have shown on my face because Ed laughed.

“I’m gay.”

Hamish and I let out a surprised gasp. “What?” we barked in unison, and I turned to him. “You didn’t know?”

“You think I’d go around saying the shit I have if I’d known? I’m an idiot, not an asshole.”

Ed laughed and shook his head. “Yup, gay as the day is long.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?” James asked, rolling his eyes. “You always say it, but it makes no goddamn sense.” He pulled out his phone, I presumed to look up the saying.

Leaving James to his research, I turned back to Ed. “I’m confused. Aside from me apparently salivating over more than Lachlan’s food, what gave me away?”

“You have the same look on your face as I did when I was grappling with whether or not to come out. Which, by the way, I’m not—officially. Much to my boyfriend Ollie’s chagrin.”

Next to me, Hamish groaned, like he was finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together. “Ollie’s not your roommate?”

“No, he is. That’s actually how we met. Very convenient.” He waddled his eyebrows suggestively.

Lucky bastard. I was sure that made things so much easier.

Except, maybe not.

“His parents hate me, of course. They can’t figure out why a wealthy, thirty-year-old man needs a roommate. They think I’m keeping him from some fictional bird who could be living with him instead. It also doesn’t help that they’re some sort of fucking aristocracy and I’m a thug.”

I sized him up. I liked to dress nicely and was pretty fastidious about grooming and manscaping, and Ed made me look like a slob. “Nope, not seeing it.”

“It’s the rugby thing,” he answered with a shrug. “They abhor it. Polo’s more their thing.”

“Ah,” I nodded sagely. They’d probably get on splendidly with Brienne’s family. They were the biggest snobs I knew back in Dublin.

“So, not to make this all about me or anything, but I hope you didn’t just come out to everyone here in some sort of bid for solidarity.” I took in the circle of players surrounding us. Save Hamish, no one else looked surprised.

“Nope, that’s not my style. Most everyone knew.” He looked to Hamish. “You can understand why I didn’t tell you?”

Hamish’s face turned scarlet and he clasped his hand to the back of his neck. “Yeah.”

This news made me view my teammates all with a level of respect I hadn’t before. They’d never said or done anything to give Ed’s secret away. Just like Hamish hadn’t when he’d found out about Lachlan and me. James was right—these guys had each other’s back. Maybe I needed to give them more credit. Maybe, like he’d said, I needed to better integrate with my new brothers in arms.

“Wow,” I said for lack of a better word as I let that thought sink in. James hadn’t been wrong. I’d closed myself off to them, and I hadn’t needed to. They might not be Declan or Aidan, but these guys could be good friends to me. I just had to let them..

“We’ll take our cues from you,” James said, jumping back into the conversation, “but most of us don’t have a problem with it. Who you fuck is your business.”

Hamish nodded vigorously. He had a lot to make up for, but with what I knew about his sister and their relationship now that’s she’d come out , I was sure he’d significant changes in the way he spoke about LGBTQ people.

“All I care about,” Hamish said, “is your dedication to the team, and whether you’re an asshole or not. Everything else is your own business.”

“Wait. A few seconds ago, you said ‘most of you.’ What’s that about?

Ed’s eyes flashed and then jumped to the other side of the room where a third-string winger was glaring daggers at us. “Not all of us are as open-minded.”

When several eyes turned to stare at the guy—I’d been here for months now, and I still didn’t know his name—his head whipped back around and he shoved some gear into his locker.

“Do I need to be worried?”

“I’m not,” Ed quipped. “He could out me if he wanted to, but Coach would send his arse packing quicker than he could say my name, so he won’t.”

“Yeah, but you’re the golden boy,” I pointed out. “I’m just the asshole Dublin didn’t want anymore. He has no reason to stay silent about me.”

Hamish smirked. “He’s got about five hundred thousand reasons to keep his trap shut. Everyone knows management paid good money to get you over here, and Warren over there doesn't want to fuck the team over. Or at least, he shouldn’t. Some of these young guys though.” He shook his head and shrugged. “They don’t always think long term.”

My face heated, and I knew I was blushing again. No one on the team had said anything directly to me about my contract, but now that the cat was out of the bag, I couldn’t just leave it hanging out there. “More like four hundred,” I clarified. “Which means drinks are on me, I guess.”

“Hell yeah, they are,” James agreed, clapping me on the back. “For the rest of the goddamn season!”

Okay then, I thought, once we exited the training grounds. That wasn’t so bad.

I had their support, but would coming out to my team be enough to satisfy Lachlan?