Five Months Later …
I can’t catch my breath. Sharp slivers of pain rack my chest, constrict my lungs as I attempt to inhale.
“Damn.”
To my left is Duncan Street, a small lane that splinters the campus at the lake in the center of our university. I take it, wishing that the limp in my leg would subside, that this last remnant of the accident would leave me. The soft movement of fireflies skidding over the ripples on the water catches my eye, but it does not distract me from the pain in my chest or the sharp cramp that suddenly seizes my calf. My vision clouds and tiny pinpricks of light float around my eyes.
Mom’s voice is my conscience, a constant companion that berates me for even attempting a run so soon from my being released for activity. Take it easy, she says. Give your body a chance to recover. It’s something she would have said.
Would have.
I’m healed, they say. The doctors, the therapists, but it doesn’t seem real, none of it. I have become an errant leaf, flickering through a storm, brittle, breaking, flirting with the calm that I can never find.
Thoughts of absent mothers and surgeries and fractured legs are pushed back to the dark spaces in my mind, with the hope that they will stay reticent. The pain is brief, fading with each step as I run forward.
For a moment, I forget my discomfort and take in the campus around me. Our university is striking—the haunting Smoky Mountains in the distance, the rows and rows of large oak trees that line the streets, guarding activity in shadow. The low trickle of the falls behind me, sliding down the mountain, collecting into the calm lake. The large cathedral near the front gates beckons me like a crackling fire, as a huge shamrock glints green light from the stained glass window.
Cavanagh is a small Irish settlement just outside of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, full of expats who married Americans but seemed incapable of relinquishing the hold that Ireland had on them. Generations have settled here, faces and forms that were so reminiscent of our ancestors became smiles and shapes diverse and open. We are a melting pot now, and though every building, every tradition reflects the past, it is the community that honors the present. My father used to say you’d never meet a more patriotic Irishman than one who lives away from home. He used to say a lot of things. I doubt he meant any of them.
The winds pick up, settles a cool September chill over my body as I move beyond the park, near the athletic fields. My skin pebbles with the wind, turns my nipples into hard peaks against my thin sports bra. “Shit,” I say at my own stupidity. I’d been too focused on attempting a full run. I’d been careless and now I’m chilled.
Most of the varsity members of Cavanagh University’s rugby team are here running sprints, wrapping up their practice. A small glance to the pitch gives me full view of these players—all shirtless and sweaty, chests sculpted like limestone, taut thighs that peak and dip into hard lines, quads wide and contracted, pronouncing the cut muscle, each filthy with sweat and grass and inappropriate male-type things that aren’t supposed to affect me, that I should be too mature to notice. A look down my body and I curse again. I’m not advertising anything, but it would have been sensible to at least wear a t-shirt. My sports bra is black with those obvious erect nipples and my tight yoga pants cling to my thighs like a second skin.
A hawk sweeps to my left, landing on the uprights. The pitch around us is cleared and freshly trimmed. The uprights have been repainted and the boundaries for practice line the field. The paint is still fresh and the scent invades my nose. The bleachers around the pitch are clean, no rubbish clutters the aisle or rests beneath the stands. The season is approaching and a quick flash of my childhood in these seats rushes forward. My mother’s loud curses at some call she found undeserved, her wide smile at each score made. The image haunts me and I am reminded of our familial joy, the common activity that brings together every member of our town, right here on this pitch.
Blinking to clear away the memory, I put speed behind each step, trying to hurry past the squad, trying to ignore the low cat calls I hear as I pass, but someone grabs my arm and spins me around, and an erratic rhythm clusters in my chest. There is a tall, wide form in front of me, his face covered in shadow. A shirtless chest and tattoos that color the full length of both arms greet me. Red-rimmed, green, green eyes, breath thick with whiskey invades my personal space and my body stiffens as this intruder staggers forward, brushes my mouth; an attempt at an awkward kiss I don’t let linger.
I push against him, shove at this muscular wall of whiskey and sweat and he sways, drunk, clumsy. I’m too angry to think and when he laughs, slurs something indiscernible to his fellow squadmates behind him and he reaches for me again, I put all of my 135 pounds behind my leg, bend it up into this bastard’s crotch. Even the mighty fall when they’ve been kneed.
“Fecking hell!” he roars. My heartbeat feels like it’s somewhere in the vicinity of my throat. He rolls on the ground, cupping himself and before reason returns, I kick him, hard against the thigh and twice on his knee. He jerks to cover each injury as I inflict them.
“You son of a bitch!”
“Jaysus—”
I stop hovering over this jackass long enough to see the rugby team assemble around us. The muscled chests and wide, wonderful shoulders barely register as the idiot on the ground is pulled up. Donovan, a kid in the World Lit class I sometimes teach, is at my side patting my shoulder awkwardly.
“Autumn, you alright?”
“No I’m not freakin’ alright. Who the hell is this bastard?”
The laughter around me only pisses me off, and I can tell Donovan, decked out in his Cavanagh U squad jersey, is forcing himself not to smile. “Shit, I’m sorry. It’s haze week. Declan started celebrating a little early.”
My spine straightens, but my heartbeat has not slowed and as I hear the low chortles around me, my anger grows, peppers my body until my hands shake. I throw off Donovan’s clammy palm and hope the expression on my face is severe enough, threatening enough to diffuse their humor. They do, at least, have the decency to stop laughing. The cretin on the ground can barely stand on his own. He leans against another player who is struggling to keep him upright.
“He’s drunk, Autumn. Really, I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it,” Donovan says as though I shouldn’t be upset that this Declan bastard groped me.
“And that’s what? Supposed to be an excuse? He’s drunk so he can attack me?” My voice is higher than normal and I’m sure, by the sobered looks of the men around me, they can tell I don’t find this the least bit funny. “Do you think Dr. Winchell would be amused that the rugby team is, yet again, misbehaving?” Now they are positively frightened. I know it’s petulant to threaten tattling, but these idiots are kings of all things asinine. Several players are immediately repentant.
“Sorry.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“We’ll make sure he apologizes when he’s sober.”
They back away, dragging the idiot with them.
This isn’t the first time these players have done something epically stupid. They nearly lost their funding last December when they thought it wasn’t completely insane to ride in the Christmas parade stark naked.
Donovan begins to make another lame excuse, but is silenced by the looming form of Coach Mullens as he approaches.
“What happened?” Mullens is able to cower his player with the smallest glare.
“Declan,” I say and the coach’s stern frown deepens.
“What did he do?”
“Grabbed me. Tried drunk-kissing me.” I wish my heartbeat would slow.
Mullens shoots a thumb over his shoulder and Donovan retreats. He watches his players depart, some casting furtive glimpses in his direction, some narrow worried glances at me. The coach runs his fingers through his hair, leaving it to stand in odd directions and I notice his frustration, the welling annoyance tensing in his shoulders.
“Autumn, I’m sorry.” I don’t jerk back from his hand on my shoulder. His apology isn’t patronizing or forced. That simply isn’t the coach’s way. “Declan is new to Cavanagh. Junior squad member and he’s not adjusting well to the town.” He stops speaking when I hold up a finger, pinch the bridge of my nose and take a breath, try to stay my anger. The implications of Declan’s attempted attack hangs between Mullens and I like smoke wafting thick. I know what will happen if I report it.
It doesn’t make sense for me to embrace the love of the game more than my own safety, but rugby is in my blood, it breathes and thrives within and echoes who I am. This is far from over. If the president intervenes our standing with the league will suffer. I can’t have that. Cameron College has been far too smug about their chances at regionals.
“Just try to keep your players in line.” I stepped back, away from Mullens and the brimming fury in my chest starts to cool to outright anger. “What if it had been some other girl? What if he’d attacked a freshman?”
Mullens winces. “I know. I’m sorry. We’ll handle it.” He stops for a moment to rub his chin and he scans the ground, then slowly returns his attention to me. “Listen, can I ask a favor?” When I don’t respond he closes his eyes as though he is swallowing every ounce of pride nestled in his chest and the taste is bitter. “Would you mind not mentioning this to Layla?” Again he glances at me, calmer now. “We had an argument last night and I really don’t feel up to another one. If she hears my player attacked one of her best friends—”
There is obvious worry in his eyes. I’ve known Mullens since I was a kid having sleepovers with his daughter at their place. Layla is my friend and her father is fiercely protective of all of us. I know he’s not brushing me off, but I understand his concern. He hates when Layla’s mad at him. “This wasn’t your fault, coach. Besides, Layla wouldn’t blame you.”
“I wouldn’t blame him for what?” Behind me, my friend approaches followed by the rest of our little motley crew, Mollie and my best friend Sayo. They are late, as usual, and I curse myself for not waiting for them before I began my run.
“Hi, sweetheart.” The coach’s face is vacant of his earlier frustration. The endearment is forced and Layla seems to notice.
“Oh shit. You called me sweetheart. What happened, Dad?”
I nod to Sayo and Mollie as they stand at my side and Layla begins her third degree of her father.
“It’s the new guy…”
“The tattoo dude? What did he do?”
“He was drunk, grabbed Autumn when she ran around the pitch.”
A quick flush of pink darkens Layla’s pale skin. It rushes across her face and over her neck before she begins to yell. Mullens deflates at the high pitch tone of his daughter’s voice and Mollie, Sayo and I take a step back when Layla’s voice reaches banshee levels. The coach cringes when she says, “you have got to be kidding me,” closes his eyes against her shriek of “why would you let your players get drunk?” and “that’s unacceptable, Dad” before I step up to defuse her tirade.
“Hey, it’s fine. I handled it. Gave him the knee,” I say. Behind me, I hear my friends giggle and I return the smile Layla gives me as her angry scowl disappears.
“He went right down from what I saw.” The coach’s shoulders relax and he offers his daughter a placating smile. “Six years of self-defense wasn’t completely ignored, honey. Autumn handled herself well. Besides, I’ll put Declan to rights.” When Layla squints, narrowed eyes that are still unconvinced, Mullens looks at me and all offcuts of flippancy vanish from his features. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want to report this?”
The pitch is quiet, calm and I remember the naked Christmas incident last year. Winchell was ready to toss out the entire rugby program and funnel all their funding to the pottery club. A shudder works up my arms at the thought. “It’s fine, coach. Just straighten him out.”
“Autumn!” Layla’s voice is loud, piercing, but I wave my hand, dismissing her.
“He’s going to handle it.” I roll my eyes at Sayo and Mollie’s worried expressions, ignore them and nod once to Mullens before the girls follow me off the pitch. “You guys are late.”
“Mollie’s shift ran over and she was my ride,” Layla says, stretching out her shoulder, her erratic anger suddenly forgotten.
The cramp in my leg returns when we all gear up for the run, twisting our bodies to work out the sleeping muscles, stretching and pulling our limbs. Layla and Mollie sit on the ground, hands gripped as they push and pull each other, stretching their arms and backs.
“You okay?” Sayo says, her voice low, so that only I can hear.
“The drunk asshole?” She nods. “I’ll survive. I think I was more shocked than anything. Besides, I don’t envy the lecture Mullens will give him. That man is scary when he’s pissed.”
“I remember.” Sayo shakes her head and I think she must be remembering our senior year of high school. The coach’s face had gone nearly purple when Layla convinced us sneaking out at four a.m. was actually a brilliant idea. The sermon he gave us still rings in my ears.
“Let’s go,” Mollie says. We follow her and Layla down toward the lake and away from the pitch. My friends take steady strides, confident, assured. Mollie’s light brown hair bounces against her narrow shoulders, her athletic, strong frame is tall and slender. She is darker than us, says it comes from her mutt southern gene pool of Creole and rouge Irish blood, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Still, she’s lovely with large brown eyes and narrow, demur features.
Layla’s white blonde hair is twisted into a low bun at the base of her skinny neck, and her cropped top makes her thin waist seem even narrower. Her eyes are a stunning, vivid blue and her tall frame and long legs make her statuesque. Just ahead of me, Sayo’s dyed pink hair is twisted into a long braid, her pale skin slicked with a fine sheen of sweat. We couldn’t look more different, but these girls are my family.
Layla laughs about something Mollie says and Sayo joins them when a cramp seizes hard in my calf. I slow, trying to run past the pain but it’s no good. I don’t stop them as they run ahead, they don’t need to see me struggling. But when I curve my back, biting the scream I want to release between my teeth, Sayo hears me.
A thunder of feet crowds me and I rest my hands on my knees. The girls pass glances to one another as though their impatience at my slow tread is somehow inconsiderate.
“Go on. I’ll catch up,” I say, scared I’ll see their concern. Sayo mumbles to Layla and Mollie and then she is next to me.
“Want some company?”
I nod and take two full steps until the inconsistent limp in my right leg clutches me with a cramp. “Dammit.”
Sayo doesn’t touch me, doesn’t offer pointless words of encouragement. She knows how I hate pity. “Maybe a stretch will help.”
“I stretched before I started.” I look down at my watch. “Fifteen minutes ago. This is ridiculous.”
“Didn’t your physical therapist tell you it would take a while?” Sayo’s voice is flippant, as though she’s trying not to sound like a nag. I appreciate the sentiment, but am too angry at my rebuking body to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
“I’ve been running since high school. I should have bounced back by now.”
“Autumn, your leg was shredded. You’re lucky you didn’t lose it. You can’t expect to be back to normal after five months.”
I ignore her, or try to, and take another step then curse when the cramp increases and sends me to the ground, cradling my leg to my chest. If I’m not careful, calm, the panic will surface. I hate that, hate that I’ve acquired panic attacks since the accident. They come unexpectedly, sometimes unwarranted and I am powerless against them. My heart beats so fiercely, so wild that my vision blurs and nausea works deep in my stomach. I won’t let that happen now. Not here, not because of some stupid drunk asshole or the cramp that I should be used to by now.
I take a breath, then another before the hard thump of my heartbeat slows. Sayo passes me a bottle of water and I try to jerk the top off, but my fingers aren’t cooperating, won’t stop shaking and I throw the bottle to the ground, let my head rest on my knees. The pain in my leg throbs, like metal twisting between sinew and muscle.
Sayo sits next to me and gives my back a tentative pat. “Alright, this is more than a drunken rugby player trying to kiss you. What’s going on?” She is always aware of my moods, my frustration, and can read me just by a slight inflection in my tone or moments when words won’t leave my mouth. My eyes blur and I squeeze them tight, unwilling to let any weakness show in front of my friend. “The nightmares, still?” she asks and I answer her with a nod, my cheek buried on my knees. “Sweetie, I’m sorry.” She nudges me with her elbow and I don’t care that there are tears leaking under my lids.
I shake my head at my pathetic break down. “It’s every night.” I wipe my face against the back of my hand. “The sounds, the smells of our lives ending, it’s all there and every morning, I wake up exhausted, restless.” My eyes blur over the still lake and I don’t care that I sound pitiful. Sayo is my friend. She never judges me. “Five months feels like a lifetime. It feels like seconds, and each day is a reminder, each moment with this limp, reminds me that I’m broken. That I’m alone.”
“Well, that’s total bullshit.” My head jerks up hearing Mollie approach. Her smile is easy, the expression on her face tells me she won’t apologize for interrupting my little whine fest. She sits next to us and is joined by Layla, who squats in front of me.
“Really, Autumn, total bullshit. You’ve got us. We aren’t going anywhere.” Layla grabs my sneaker and gives it a squeeze.
“That’s the truth. My God, I’m closer to you guys that I am my own sister,” Mollie says and I smile at her reassurance.
“Your sister is a pill-popping gold digger,” Layla says, shaking her head.
“She’s still blood, but you guys are my family.”
Sayo rests her elbows on her knees, but even the slouching is done elegantly. She can make sweaty running gear and bad posture look classy. Despite her pink hair, my best friend is flawless; beautiful porcelain skin, small eyes so dark that the pupils aren’t visible. She’s a gorgeous Japanese woman contrasting her beauty and elegance behind funky jackets and vibrant hair. “I know you hate hearing it, but it’s going to take time.” Her gaze lowers to her fingers. “I meant what I said, you’re lucky you can even walk.”
I can’t tell them what I’m thinking. They can’t know how scared I am, how worried I am that I won’t ever be the same again. They know me probably better than I know myself, but to show weakness, even in front of my closest friends isn’t something I can do easily. Still, I know their concern is genuine, that everything they say to me is meant to help. I wonder what they’d think about my plans if they knew what I really wanted. A cool, relaxed inhalation and then I level each of my friends with a determined look.
“Dirty Dash is in three months. I want to run it.”
If my friends think I’m ridiculous, they don’t mention it. They exchange glances, their faces free of doubt or surprise.
“You’re serious,” Mollie says. She and Layla gape at me, I assume trying to measure if I’m joking. Then twin smiles crack their mouths upward.
“Absolutely.”
“I’m game,” Sayo says. She doesn’t blink, doesn’t hesitate even for a second.
In an instant, Layla and Mollie become chattering boxes of girl glee.
“Hell yes,” Layla says, shooting upright as Mollie joins her. They are talking among themselves non-stop and I laugh with Sayo at their excitement.
“You’re gonna have to train every day,” Mollie says.
Layla interrupts with, “We all will.”
“I don’t want to attempt it.” That quiets them and all three of my friends stop moving, stop speaking to stare at me. I clear my throat. “I want to win it.”
There is a moment of silence and I wonder what they’re thinking. I wonder if I sound like an idiot, if my goal is hopeless. No woman has ever come close to winning the Dash. It’s ten miles of obstacles: tire lanes, mud baths, incline sprints, tar-slick walls, an ice-cold swim into a gutted railcar. But if I can manage it, if I can beat my time from last year, then I know I can heal, that I can be myself again.
To my left Sayo chuckles. I know what she’s thinking, what she imagines my point to all of this is and I have to admit that part of me has another agenda. “You want to beat Tucker’s time, don’t you?” she asks.
I’m not willing to confirm her suspicion, but as I look at Layla and Mollie, and notice the worry on their faces, curiosity distracts me from Sayo’s accusation. “What?”
Mollie nods in my direction and Layla releases a breath. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but my dad told me last night. Tucker’s back.”
I don’t know what to say, what to think and I recover from my confusion, my quick shock by fidgeting with my shoelace. “When?” I say, not looking at Layla. I hope my friends can’t hear the quickening beat of my heart.
“I don’t know when, but he’s back on the squad. Dad said he sent him to Europe to recruit.” Layla sits down again on her knees and I can feel her gaze. I think my friends are waiting for me to break down, to become a stupid sobbing mess. They should know better.
“Wait,” Sayo says. “I thought only the captains recruit with the coaching staff.”
“They do,” Layla says. “Dad gave him back captain.”
Sayo and Mollie’s reactions are typical. They both begin cursing Layla’s dad. Rugby is our town’s heartbeat, that simmering pulse that breathes life and love into our community and even if my friends’ family roots don’t run deep in Cavanagh, they know the struggle the squad endured when Tucker left last year. He had been the university’s superstar. His leaving had nearly broken the squad.
It had nearly destroyed me.
“I know,” Layla says over our friends’ loud protests. “I told him he was an idiot. He didn’t like that, started lecturing me about what’s best for the squad. That man doesn’t care about anything but getting to regionals. If that means putting Tucker back in as captain, he’ll do it.”
“No loyalty in rugby, I suppose,” Mollie says.
“You’re too quiet,” Sayo says to me. There is a smile on her face and faint creases wrinkling her mouth. She had been the first person I called the night Tucker left. She was at my apartment within minutes and vowed that if she ever saw Tucker Morrison again, she’d knock him out. It’s something best friends do. Especially when their friends have their hearts ripped out of their chest by their boyfriends.
“I’m fine. It’s been a year. I’m over it, really.” I don’t know if she believes me and I wonder if Sayo remembers that night as clearly as I do. He’d been demanding, much more than normal and in my mind I hear him, expecting, assuming. “You need to pack. We’re going to Europe so I can try out for Nationals.” He never asked what I wanted. My life was secondary to his. Always. When the wrinkles amplify around Sayo’s mouth, I smile, try to reassure her that I am not still pining over my ex. “Hell yes. I want to beat that smug bastard’s time.”
“Sweet.” Sayo’s smile is wide and we all become a collection of happy, confident laughs.
“Let’s get to it then,” Mollie says and I follow my friends as we continue down the road.
My steps are slow, but I fight through the limp and the searing cramp that threatens to stagger me. I wince each time my foot lands on the street, but ignore the pain, the aching thud that runs up and down my calf.
The climb ahead of me will be slow, stinging, but I’ve got my girls, I’m stubborn as hell and no amount of limping or drunken rugby assholes or returning ex-boyfriends is going to stop me.