Chapter Twenty-Two

Leandra

Well, it’s official.  I’ve now taken up residence in the fucking Twilight Zone.  Not only did my normally unemotional bodyguard actually spank my ass, but I currently found myself picking fruit and needing protection from a middle-aged housewife.

Me!  Leandra fucking Donahue!  Needing Sam to protect me from his mom!  Totally shameful.  How had I fallen so far from grace?

I honestly couldn’t process it all, my mind was so blown.

Okay, that’s a lie.  I’m on a farm, so plucking ripe red raspberries isn’t totally out of the realm of possibility.  They’re easy to harvest and it’s quite monotonous, so that’s actually rather relaxing. 

It’s also not out of left field to think I would piss off the mother of my current paramour.  I have a big mouth, a stubborn streak a mile wide, and I don’t conform to anyone’s standards of how a lady should behave.  It would probably be more abnormal if Katherine didn’t hate me.  And obviously, I don’t really need protection from her since she couldn’t take me in a fight.  So that’s not out of the ordinary either.

Clearly the mind-blowing part is the whole playful demeanor and butt slapping from Sam.  That single pat of affection crossed a line that he’s never, ever dared cross before.  He also genuinely seemed pissed off at his mother’s behavior.  Before our little road trip from hell, I would have guessed he had family issues and that’s what caused him to go on the run from his life.  However, once we pulled up to the idyllic rural farm house, I thought for sure I must have judged that wrong.  Turns out I was more accurate than I ever imagined.

“So, Lee…tell me more about your life back in New York,” Chrissie prodded, desperate to start up a conversation. 

“What would you like to know?”  Obviously I couldn’t tell her about my job, but general questions would be fine.  I was relieved she was speaking at all.  We picked berries the entire morning and she’d hardly uttered a peep.  It was only after Sam brought over sandwiches and snacks for lunch, that she finally felt brave enough to come out of her shell. 

Or maybe she just perked up because we had pastrami on rye, brand name Greek yogurt, and giant cinnamon muffins for dessert.  No more bologna for this bitch!  Maybe a decent meal put Chrissie in a better mood.  I know it worked wonders for me.

“Well…”

“Spit it out, girl.”  She needed to learn to speak her mind.  “Life is short, honey.  If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it.”

“I was just thinking back to our conversation yesterday…”

I plucked a massive berry off the plant and popped it in my mouth.  So delicious.  I need to eat more raspberries when I get back home.  The damn things are probably healthy too.

“…what we were talking about before…when Sam interrupted us and kind of reprimanded you…”

Now that grabbed my attention.  No one reprimanded me.  Ever.  What the hell was she rambling on about? 

Oh.

“You mean when we started talking about sex and losing your virginity?”

“Yeah.  That.”

This was like pulling teeth for fuck’s sake.  She couldn’t even say it out loud!

“Are you trying to hint around that you have sex questions you’d like answered?  The love doctor is in, Chrissie.  Ask away.  I’m an open book.”  While I couldn’t discuss shady business dealings or the many illegal acts I’ve perpetrated, anything of a carnal nature was on the table.  Hell, I was an expert on the subject.

“No.  Yes.  Well, not really.  I don’t know what questions to ask.  You were saying something about a way to make your first time feel better…or hurt less.  I’m interested in learning about that.  Not that I’m close to having a first time or anything.  I just feel…you know…it might be valuable knowledge for the future.”

“Do you hear yourself right now?  You’re mumbling and tripping over your words like it’s a sin to talk about boy parts and girl parts and the meeting of the two in a passionate manner,” I blurted loudly, throwing my hands up in disgust and almost tipping over a basket full of berries.

“I’m shy!”

“That won’t get you very far when dealing with members of the opposite sex.  If you just lay there and act like a dead fish, the guy might not appreciate that.”

“What?  He’s going to expect me to be some sort of a sex goddess?  I can’t handle this!”

She began to turn red and gulp down air like a panic attack was imminent.

“Calm the fuck down and listen, will you?”  Clearly some tough love was in order.  “You don’t have to be a professional.  Men want to think that they’re the be all and end all in the bedroom.  That you’re inexperienced and they’re the best you’ll ever have.  It’s necessary to stroke their ego a little, okay?  Are you with me so far?”

In response, the innocent girl simply nodded her head and stared at me eagerly like she was getting advice from the Dalai Lama of all things Sex.  I liked the power…not gonna lie.

“All you have to do is relax and enjoy the moment,” I explained.  “Half the problem is finding a man you can be truly comfortable with.  Find a guy that treats you right, respects you, wants to please you, and does not pressure you in the slightest.  Once you’ve got your dude, it’s all downhill from there.”

“But what do I do once it’s time?  I don’t know how to move or what I’m supposed to do with my hands or anything!  What if I do something wrong?”

“There’s no right or wrong in sex.  You do whatever feels good.  If he’s doing something you like, then you moan and sigh and tell him to do more of that.  If he does something that hurts, makes you uncomfortable, or doesn’t listen when you tell him to stop, then you knee him in the groin.  It’s as simple as that, sweet pea.  I promise.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.  Trust me, if you pick the right guy he’ll be focusing more on getting you off than on worrying about whether your hand is in the right place or not.  Just don’t shove a finger up his ass without asking for permission.  They’re not too fond of that.”

Her eyes got really wide, so I started to laugh and played it off like that last part was a joke.  It really wasn’t though.  Been there, done that, got in trouble.  Hey, live and learn.

“Can you…tell me about your first time?” she asked.

I bit my lip while contemplating just how much information I should give the girl.  In the end, I simply shrugged and went with the honest truth.

“I was pretty young.  It was two weeks after my seventeenth birthday.  I guess that’s not young by today’s standards, is it?  Probably not.  Anyway, it was with a guy that I trusted very much and we had quite the memorable experience.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I mentally replayed the moment.  It was amazing and a night that I’ll treasure for as long as I live.

“What made it so great?  I mean, the look on your face right now is so serene and peaceful.  I want to look back on my first time like that!”

“There was a guy that I knew from the neighborhood.  He was a year older and had been chasing me for a very long time.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  He was sweet and not like stalker-ish or anything.  Our parents were friends, but his family moved away for awhile and I hadn’t seen him in years until they came back.  Let’s just say that time was very good to this guy.  He’d filled out in all the right places.  Tan skin, muscular frame, arms like tree trunks, mesmerizing eyes.”

“He sounds really hot!”

“He was.  But even more important, he treated me like a gentleman treats a lady.  Everything was on my terms.  He never pressured me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with.  In fact, he went too slow and it got on my nerves.  After seeing him for a month, I knew I was ready to lose my v-card.  Obviously it wasn’t his first time, which I appreciated, because it meant he would know what he was doing.”

I paused, hesitating, because the next part involved something illegal.  Ah, to hell with it.  I’m not about to censor myself now.

“So I stole my dad’s credit card, rented a suite at one of the most lavish hotels in New York City, had champagne delivered to the room, and lost my virginity.”

“What?!  You stole your father’s credit card?  And you drank alcohol while you were underage?  Leandra!  You’re horrible!  Did you get in trouble?”

“Honestly, no.  It was magical.  I went home the next day and confessed to my mom.  I patiently explained that I could have fucked some hoodlum in the back of a car with no protection, or I could have done things the way I did.  It was a safe environment, we used condoms, and I made it memorable.”

“What did she say?  Were you grounded?”

“No!”  And even if she would have punished me, I would have snuck out anyway.  No one ever told me what to do, even at a young age.  “My mom nodded her head in approval, told me she was proud of my wise choices, and lied to my dad about the credit card bill.  Actually, I think she told him the card was stolen and made a big production about cancelling it.  My mom and I are pretty close.”

“That’s so cool,” Chrissie replied wistfully, no doubt wishing she had the same kind of relationship with her mother.  Poor kid.  “So, how long did you date the guy after you were intimate with him?  I assume you broke up at some point because you’re married to Sam now.”

“Yeah.  We dated for six months.  He wanted too much of a commitment too soon.  If it were up to him, we’d be married right now and I’d have a house full of kids running around.  I was too young to be tied down like that.  My goal in life was to run a business empire, not be a housewife.  Why be the woman behind the man, when you can just run things yourself?”

“You sound so empowered!  I wish I was more like you,” she admitted with a sigh.  “What happened when you two broke up?”

“Shorty was disappointed, but there’s really not much he could do about it.  We wanted different things out of life.  I’ll look back on our time fondly, but I made the right choice and don’t regret it for one second.”

“Shorty?  You lost your virginity to Shorty?” a loud male voice bellowed right before Sam broke through the raspberry plants and proceeded to stare me down.  I’ve never seen such raw emotion on his face.  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

I raised an eyebrow before putting him in his place.

“By my math it was literally seventeen years ago.  That’s half my lifetime, Sam.  Did you think I was a virgin when you married me?”  I made sure to emphasize the word ‘married’ so I could subtly remind him that he had no claim on me.  Our supposed union was all a lie anyway, so what the hell did he care who I fucked so long ago?

“Shorty is a conniving, manipulative piece of shit,” Sam proclaimed with nothing but venom, his face growing red in anger.

“Wait…you know this guy, Sam?”  Chrissie asked in confusion.

“Yes, he works for me.  As in, he’s an employee and nothing more,” I replied calmly before turning to Sam.  “You’re with me all the fucking time.  If something was going on with us, you’d be the first to know.”

I was desperate to add, ‘not that it’s any of your business who I fuck,’ but obviously I couldn’t say that in front of Chrissie.  If Sam and I were legally wed, it would absolutely be his business if I were screwing around on him.

“I just thought you had better taste than that, Leandra,” Sam admitted, shaking his head in disappointment.

Just when I thought a bad situation couldn’t get any worse, it did.  Of course.  Karma decided to pay me back for all the wrongs I’ve committed…and she chose to take the form of one very dumb, very pregnant blonde skank.

“Am I interrupting something?  Because I would hate to be a bother.  It’s just that Katherine said Sam would be available to do me a tiny little favor this afternoon…”

Three heads swiveled in the direction of the newcomer.  What a perfect time for Betty Jo to pop in and pay a visit.

“Hey Sam…speaking of having better taste…”  I pointed to Betty Jo and then to him.  “If that’s not the pot calling the kettle ‘black,’ then I don’t know what is.  Jackass!”

“Oh my,” Betty Jo declared ever so sweetly, putting a hand to her chest and batting those fake eyelashes.  “It appears I’ve stumbled into a lover’s quarrel.  Please continue.”

Gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to lunge at the whore, I took an opportunity to assess my adversary. 

Wow.

Her clothing choices were again cringe-worthy.  White booty shorts that practically exposed an ass cheek, low-cut green shirt that was so tight I could practically see a baby’s head poking out from her stomach, and gaudy jewelry that made her look ready for prom in 1982.  Marvelous.

“Wait a minute,” I asked, finally coming to my senses.  “Sam’s mother said he would be available this afternoon to do a favor for you?”

Fucking bitch was already putting her nefarious plan into motion.  Operation ‘Break Up Lee and Sam’ was in full swing.  Well played, Katherine.  Well played.

“Yes,” she confirmed.  “I need a ride to the hospital to see my husband.  I’m not driving right now, so Katherine kindly volunteered to have Sam take me.  Will you do that, Sammie?  It will give us some time alone to catch up with each other.  I’m sure she’ll be fine staying here with your sister and picking berries.”

Betty Jo bitchface then waved her hand dismissively, making it abundantly clear that I was not invited.

Your move, Sam.  It’s the bottom of the ninth and the bases are loaded.  Don’t fuck this up, buddy.

“I can take a break,” he said with a shrug of indifference.  “Leandra could use one too.  She’s been working hard all day and I’m sure she’d appreciate a chance to see some new sights.  Is that okay with you, baby?  Would you mind a quick trip to the hospital?”

It was nearly impossible to hold back the smirk of victory as Sam wrapped an arm around my waist and gazed down at me.

“I’d like that very much,” I whispered, eternally grateful he’d hit a home run with that answer.  Had he chosen any other reply, it would not have gone over well at all.

We waved goodbye to Chrissie after asking permission to take her SUV.  No way in hell could the three of us have fit in Sam’s truck.  As we walked back to the front of the house, I was careful to make sure that Betty Jo was out of earshot when I leaned over and spoke quietly in Sam’s ear.

“You just came really close to having your balls cut off.  You know that right?”

“It might have been worth it just to see the look on your face if I walked off with her and left you behind,” he replied, winking and then spanking my ass again before jogging off.

That dirty fucker!  Let the games begin!