“She has the baby here,” Dedrus said. He knelt before the fireplace and struck a match against the flint of the box. “Then what?”

Maggie had retired to her makeshift bedroom for the night. Kinzer and Dedrus had moved into the living area.

Dedrus tossed the lit match between crumpled up newspapers that surrounded stacked logs.

Kinzer sprawled across a couch that he’d slid before the fireplace.

“I don’t know.” He gazed at the flame that morphed slowly into a building fire.

“We need a plan.” Dedrus rose to his feet and set the matchbox on the mantel. He slipped back to the couch, falling onto the cushion opposite Kinzer. “That baby isn’t going to just walk out and be able to take on the Almighty. It’s gonna be a long time before it can even defend itself. And you know the Almighty will do everything in His power to destroy it. That’s a lot of things against us.”

Kinzer nodded. “I know. But we can’t really plan for the next fifteen…maybe twenty years. We gotta plan for tomorrow.”

Dedrus knew he was right, but there was so much more to this than either of them were considering. As his mind wandered in that direction, it became so overwhelming that he had to stop. He couldn’t bear it.

“So what do we do tomorrow?” Dedrus tucked a bang that had settled in his face behind his ear.

“Get some supplies. Try to give the Antichrist the best delivery we can.”

Dedrus sighed. What did higherlings and fallens know about delivering an immortal child from a mortal? For all they knew, the labor would kill Maggie. And she was close…too close for them not to be considering those sorts of things.

Dedrus was tired of his mind being ravaged by those kind of thoughts.

He needed an escape. He assumed Kinzer felt the same way.

We can just fuck.

He knew that wasn’t true. He could never just fuck Kinzer.

He wanted to be close to him, though. He needed to be close to him again.

He crawled across the couch and rubbed his nose against Kinzer’s cheek, pressing his lips softly against his chin.

In the light of the fire, Kinzer’s eyebrows cast shadows over his eyes, making him appear almost menacing. Kinzer pushed off the arm of the couch and firmly kissed Dedrus. He wrapped his arms around him, swapping places as he forced Dedrus on his back.

Dedrus’s neck dragged across the fabric lining the arm of the couch. He savored Kinzer’s hot, wet mouth, sliding his hands under Kinzer’s shirt, feeling his way across his abs. The dips between his muscles were jagged, as if he was feeling across a jagged rock covered in a thin layer of cushioned flesh.

Kinzer grabbed one of Dedrus’s wrists and pulled it over his head, pressing it against the arm of the couch. He did the same with the other. Pulling from their embrace, he moved his lips close to Dedrus’s. Not close enough to kiss him. Just close enough for Dedrus to be tormented by the thought.

Dedrus’s mouth instinctively attacked.

Kinzer withdrew.

This had always been their relationship—him attempting to show Kinzer his affections, and Kinzer pulling away.

Though the deprivation was cruel, it was also erotic.

He lay there, waiting for Kinzer to kiss him, hoping, praying to the Leader, that it would come sooner rather than later.

Kinzer’s lips hovered over his.

Dedrus thought of it as a test. If Kinzer kissed him, it meant that he wanted to be with him—it would give him hope that they might actually have a future together. If he just fucked him, then he was just using him for his body.

Kinzer planted a hard, deep kiss on Dedrus, his tongue slipping between his lips, tasting as it wished. His mouth made its way down Dedrus’s chin and slid across his neck.

Dedrus delighted in the warmth and the confirmation of Kinzer’s affection.

Kinzer sucked softly between Dedrus’s jaw and neck. His teeth tugged at the flesh.

Without warning, Kinzer pulled back.

They locked eyes.

Kinzer looked sad. Did he regret the day he’d rejected Dedrus’s love? Surely not. He wouldn’t have met Janka if he hadn’t. Dedrus wanted him to regret it, though. He wanted Kinzer to look back and see the foolishness of his mistake—to feel for him as he’d always felt for Kinzer.

Kinzer’s gaze stirred a rush that crawled from the base of his spine to his neck. Dedrus pulled, practically tore, out of his shirt.

Kinzer did the same, revealing his muscular body, sharp shadows amplifying the grooves in his abs.

Dedrus licked through the grooves, savoring the taste of his flesh.

Kinzer gripped onto the button on his jeans and stepped off the couch, making a quick effort to get them off. Dedrus was right beside him, working far more effectively, because his were at his ankles twice as fast as Kinzer’s.

Before he could turn around, Kinzer tackled him from behind, driving them both to the wood-paneled floor.

Kinzer lay across Dedrus, his dick between his cheeks, his abdomen pressed against his back, his lips at his neck.

Heat radiated off Kinzer’s lips, sweeping between locks of Dedrus’s hair, kissing the tiny hairs that strayed across the back of Dedrus’s neck. They tickled and stood on end, though they were nowhere near as erect as Dedrus was in that moment.

Splinters in the wood scratched at his shaft’s flesh as he strained from the pressure between the floor and Kinzer’s pelvis.

Kinzer stroked his cock between Dedrus’s cheeks.

Dedrus savored the feeling. He wondered how something was capable of causing him such excruciating pain and such intoxicating pleasure at the same time.

Dedrus pushed his ass back, begging for Kinzer to just put him out of his misery and enter him. He wanted to feel that cock forcing its way in.

Kinzer pressed on the floor, pushing up. He spit in his hand, offering modest lubrication before he navigated the head of his cock into Dedrus’s ass.

Get it in! Dedrus thought.

He needed Kinzer to be close to him. He needed Kinzer to be with him as he had so long ago, if only so he could pretend they’d never parted.

Kinzer raised his hand to his mouth.

“No!” Dedrus snapped. “I don’t need anymore spit! I want it like this.”

He just wanted to feel the raw rub, the tear inside of him, the burning sensation that let him know that Kinzer and he were one.

Kinzer’s eyes shimmered in the light from the fireplace. He jerked his hips forward.

Dedrus squinted. The sharp sting was intense, but he knew it could be worse.

“All the way!” he demanded.

Kinzer obliged.

Dedrus tried to scream, but it caught in his throat. The pain was so intense, so severe. He couldn’t breathe. Jerking his head back, he hit and punched at the floor, desperately attempting to distract himself from the pain.

Tears rushed from his eyes, dripping onto the floor, glistening in sparks from the fire.

Despite the clear pain Dedrus was in, Kinzer didn’t stop. He thrust back and forth with a violent passion, groaning like a warrior striking for the kill.

It was just how Dedrus liked it—how Kinzer knew he loved it.

Dedrus wondered if his hole was bleeding because each stroke felt so rough, so dry. He figured he might as well have had Kinzer shove his fist inside him.

Kinzer stroked his hand up across his back, petting him, as if supporting him through this difficult time.

Another thrust from Kinzer, and Dedrus was done. The pain was too intense.

“I can’t!” He slapped his hand against Kinzer’s ass. “I’m sorry. Please.”

Kinzer started to pull out, just as he’d always done when it was truly too much for Dedrus.

However, the thought of Kinzer exiting him seemed a worse prospect than the severe pain he was in already. Dedrus shoved his ass back to the base of Kinzer’s shaft. He threw his hands around Kinzer’s ass and clung desperately to his cheeks, gnashing his teeth as he absorbed the pain.

Kinzer continued his assault. He slipped his hands under Dedrus’s arms and wrapped around his neck. He interlocked his fingers as he shoved Dedrus’s forehead against the floor and thrust into him repeatedly.

“Ah! Ah!” Dedrus called out, thinking Maggie had surely heard them.

Kinzer’s hands released each other and found their way around to Dedrus’s chest. In a quick maneuver, Kinzer pulled his legs forward, positioning himself on his knees, and rolled back, taking Dedrus with him, landing so that he lay across the floor.

Dedrus remained over him, squatting at his pelvis, Kinzer’s girth still inside.

Dedrus threw his hands behind him and set his palms on the floorboards. He arched his back and whirled his ass in circles.

“You feel so fucking good,” Kinzer muttered, still caressing his back as his ass bobbed up and down, as if trying to force his cock deeper into Dedrus than physically possible.

Dedrus risked a glance over his shoulder. He could see Kinzer’s exhilaration, his arousal, as he plowed in, seemingly without regard for Dedrus’s enjoyment.

Dedrus tossed his head back, closing his eyes to savor the sensation. His crouched legs quaked, but he was used to this. It was just a particularly low lap dance, something that Dedrus considered himself to be an expert at.

Kinzer’s hands fell to Dedrus’s hips, gripping on to his love handles as they forced Dedrus’s ass to the base of his shaft. He was so deep, hitting that spot that sent ripples of ecstasy rushing through Dedrus’s brain. His skin felt like it was being pricked all over. His pelvis felt like it was being consumed by fire, possibly just a bodily reaction from having to endure Kinzer’s cock. He hissed through his teeth as the pain became almost too much for him.

“Fuck yeah!” Kinzer called out.

Dedrus could tell Kinzer was about to come. He could feel it in the way his dick was pulsating. It was a familiar feeling.

But he wanted to top Kinzer. He hadn’t done that yet, and he knew if he did, Kinzer wouldn’t be able to help but recall their time together.

He was going to top him, even if it killed him.

He grabbed Kinzer’s wrists and ripped his hands from his love handles. Dislodging Kinzer’s dick from his ass, he sprang forward.

“No, no, no!” Kinzer cried as the head of his dick slipped out of Dedrus’s hole.

Dedrus crawled to freedom.

“Not this time,” he mocked.

Kinzer’s eyes filled with rage. He snatched Dedrus by his ankle.

Dedrus tossed a glance back and kicked at Kinzer’s shoulder with his free foot. But Kinzer grabbed that one, too, and reeled him back in.

Not happening, asshole.

Kinzer released Dedrus just long enough to restrain him by his calves. He clenched down so hard, Dedrus thought his skin might tear off.

But Dedrus was determined to win.

He closed his eyes. His wings shot out of his back, startling Kinzer as he pulled his hands back to defend against the oncoming feathers.

Dedrus rolled across the floor and leapt to his feet, lunging at Kinzer.

Kinzer grabbed him by his shoulders, and they went rolling across the floorboards. Dedrus could feel the splinters grazing across his wings.

As Dedrus landed on top, he wrapped his arms around Kinzer’s thighs and clamped tightly around them, lifting them up.

Kinzer struggled. “You bastard!” he shouted.

Dedrus didn’t pay any attention. He provided a spit for his dick, then pushed his hips forward, letting the tip of his cock taste Kinzer’s hole as he made sure he was in a good position to drive in.

He was, and he did.

He didn’t let Kinzer off the hook, either. He shoved as deep inside as he could, without regard for the modestly lubricated walls in his ass.

The veins in Kinzer’s neck streaked from his jawline to his chest. He screamed out. Not as if the experience was slightly uncomfortable. He screamed as if it was the most unbearable pain he’d ever experienced in his life.

Dedrus didn’t stop his assault. He pushed in and out with a furious passion. After all, that was what Kinzer would have done.

“Harder!” Kinzer demanded, despite appearing to be in excruciating pain.

Dedrus complied. He leaned down and snatched Kinzer by his jet-black hair, pulling back sharply, as though he were a vampire about to bite into his prey. “How hard do you want me to fuck you?” he asked.

The whites of Kinzer’s eyes were red, his breathing sporadic. “Rip my fucking ass apart!”

Dedrus pulled back and forced Kinzer’s face against his chest. “Show me you want it.”

A part of what he was unleashing was that rage—the rage that he’d felt toward Kinzer all this time—the rage that, at one time, he had unleashed all alone, knowing that Janka had taken from him the only thing that had ever mattered.

Kinzer touched the tip of his tongue against Dedrus’s nipple. He licked lightly, deliberately.

Dedrus couldn’t tell when his nipple would feel that sensation again, and it drove him insane.

His balls felt like they were about to explode.

He cried out. “Oh, fuck. Fuck, no. I’m gonna—”

He had to stop himself. He wasn’t going to let Kinzer off that easy.

He started to pull out. But Kinzer grabbed his hips and drove him back in.

“You bitch!” Dedrus cried.

“You started this,” Kinzer said through gritted teeth. “Now finish it like the fucking higherling I know you are.”

Dedrus pushed on Kinzer’s legs, struggling to get out of him, but Kinzer’s grip was too strong, and he was too close.

He didn’t have much time left, and his hips’ movements were beyond his control, reaching deep into Kinzer, feeling that pressure around his shaft, as if Kinzer’s ass was just begging to be come inside of.

Then, he cried out, a deep, guttural cry, as he felt that jolt of fluid rip into Kinzer.

Kinzer screamed out at the same time, a stream of come soaring through the air and sprinkling translucent white splotches from his abs to his chin.

Dedrus smiled. He gazed into Kinzer’s eyes. Kinzer wore a smile.

For a moment, he was transported back to their tent—to the days when they’d fuck. Kinzer looked so at peace, so at ease.

A flash of worry washed over Kinzer’s face.

What was it?

He already had his guesses. Kinzer was thinking about Janka. He was thinking about how wrong it was for them to be doing this. He was remembering that he didn’t love his immortal fuck buddy…that he’d never loved him…could never love him.

***

Maggie lay across the mattress, feeling as comfortable as if she’d decided to sleep on a concrete slab.

The moans and groans had finally settled outside her door.

Moonlight streamed through the window, illuminating her room with a blue light.

She’d occupied her attention with a crack just under the ceiling, trying to imagine what kind of creature would have lived inside it. Bat? Cockroach? Spider? The thought of a spider left her feeling small prickling sensations all over her body, so she had to pull the sheet down to ease her paranoia.

Her belly now held her attention. It was too big to ignore, unlike the early days, when she had known what it was and tried to act as if it wasn’t.

It took her back to a day many years earlier.

“A whore isn’t fit to be a mother!” Mom had shouted.

Having noticed Maggie’s continual weight gain, her mother had forced her to take a home pregnancy test. The result had sent her into a fit, screaming and fussing.

“Who is it? Who is it, slut? Where did you take his poison? Did you eat it, too? I bet you did. I bet you sucked it right out of his snake. You loved it, didn’t you? Whores always love it. They need it. Is that what you are? Is that what you want everyone to think you are?”

One humid afternoon, her mom, seeming unusually pleasant, told her she needed a haircut and they headed off. As the drive stretched far beyond the usual for the hair salon, and Maggie’s mom didn’t seem any more inclined to reveal the whereabouts of their destination, Maggie became suspicious.

Her mom didn’t have to discuss her plan. Somehow, she just knew, and as they arrived at the city clinic, Maggie was certain she only had two options: stay with her mother or with this thing that was inside her.

An alley lined the side of the clinic. As her mom crept inside without her, she stared at it, thinking, That’s my choice.

It was uncertainty. It was terrifying. But she felt that it was the right thing to do, and a powerful urge pushed her down that alley, into her future.

Years later, she was sure that God was punishing her. Her mom was the closest she’d ever been to God. Everyone had told her so…constantly. Surely, they were right. Satan’s path had been compelling, and it had led Maggie into darkness.

Bunch of crap, Maggie thought, her eyes still on her belly, but her thoughts on her mom’s communions with the divine.

A part of her had always wondered—imagined, “What if she’s just making this all up?” Even as a kid, she had this deep suspicion for her mom, but she was sure that it was just ignorance—her naivety about God. Had it been a lie? Had her mom been insane? She knew she’d never know the truth. What she knew was that whatever her mom experienced on those mornings on the linoleum floor of the local Pentecostal chapter was not what it had seemed to be.

Nothing was what it seemed.

Still, her mom had been right about one thing: “A whore isn’t fit to be a mother.” Maggie had always known that, and it was why she’d wanted to terminate this pregnancy. This wasn’t a way to bring a child into the world. A child deserved better than that. The world was cruel enough without having to grow up so disadvantaged, so crippled by societal boundaries.

I’d be a terrible mother, Maggie thought. They just need to take it, so I can get on with my life. I didn’t ask for it anyway. It was forced on me. I would have never done this to myself. No. It deserves better. I’d be the worst thing for it.

Her thoughts wandered to a boy at the bookstore Dedrus and Kinzer had taken her to. He played on the floor, pulling crossword puzzles off the rack and setting them at his side.

Where the fuck is his mom? she’d thought. Fucking irresponsible bitch.

She studied him. She wondered if she’d be capable of taking care of something like that.

No, no, no, she’d thought. It’s a rodent. It’s horrible. Why would anyone want something so careless, with such disregard for everyone else?

But she hadn’t been able take her eyes off him.

Now, she wasn’t able to take her eyes off her belly.

***

As Dedrus smirked, his bristly beard scratched against Kinzer’s cheek.

Dedrus’s stomach lay flat across his. His arm framed Kinzer’s face as he tickled Kinzer’s scalp with light strokes through his black locks.

Guilt ravaged Kinzer’s mind. He’d thought he could just fuck Dedrus. He’d thought he’d be able to distance himself from those feelings from the past, but at the culmination of the act, he’d realized that he’d forgotten about his Janka entirely and was only thinking about his feelings for Dedrus. He’d wanted him. He’d needed him—the way that he’d needed him so long ago.

He’d thought, Could he love me? Does he love me?

When he saw that glisten in Dedrus’s eyes, he could have sworn that he knew the answer, but he’d believed he’d understood that same look back in the days before Janka.

Janka. Oh, how Janka would rage knowing that Kinzer’s feelings for Dedrus had returned so quickly.

I’m disgusting, Kinzer thought. How could I? How could Dedrus, knowing how I feel? Knowing what I’ve been through?

He started to feel violated. What if Dedrus had plotted this? Had wanted him to fall back in love with him, only to reject him again?

No! Dedrus wouldn’t do that.

He’d been a good friend. He’d been more than that.

Kinzer massaged his fingers through the vee above Dedrus’s ass and offered a soft kiss.

Kinzer’s cock brushed across Dedrus’s leg hairs.

Dedrus set his arms on either side of Kinzer and propped himself up on the cushion beneath them.

His serious expression let Kinzer know that Dedrus had something he wanted to talk about.

He knew that look. It was the same one he’d seen when Dedrus had confessed his feelings to him.

What was he supposed to do? Dedrus had clearly just been caught up in the moment. He didn’t want him, and as soon as someone else came along, he’d find them equally appealing.

No. Dedrus just thought he wanted him. For this moment.

Maybe if he was quiet, Dedrus would bail.

He outlined the grooves in Dedrus’s back, offering a smile, ignoring Dedrus’s struggle.

“I know you're going through a lot right now. This probably is too soon to ask.”

Fuck. We’re totally talking about this. Goddammit, Dedrus.

“I just keep wondering if maybe…”

Kinzer watched Dedrus’s thumb trail up his side and slide under his pecs.

Dedrus took a breath and looked back into his eyes. “Do you think there could ever be something like we used to have?”

“Friendship?”

“Is that what you think I mean?”

“Isn’t that what we had?” Kinzer knew better. His comment was a cruel jab that he hoped would hurt Dedrus. If it didn’t, then it would just hurt him.

“No. I know what we had. You know what we had.”

Kinzer’s thoughts returned to their nights together, but those memories only brought him pain, and Kinzer wasn’t willing to go back there anymore.

“Whatever we had, it’s not there anymore.”

Dedrus’s beard quivered with his cheeks. His mouth fell open. Sparkling orbs of fluid stirred at the corners of his eyes.

He pushed his arms into the cushion, his legs shuffling over Kinzer as he stood.

“Fine.” He scooped his briefs off the floor and slipped them on. The band snapped against the dip in his waist and clung to that finely curved ass.

This is what he deserves, Kinzer thought. For what he did to me.

“Why have you been doing this?” Dedrus whirled around, his face bright red.

Kinzer crawled up the cushion until he was sitting. He flashed a gaze back to Maggie’s room. “Can you keep it down?”

“You were leading me on.”

“What?”

“You knew what I wanted. You know how I feel about you.” Dedrus clenched his fists. They trembled at either side of his briefs.

“How do you feel?”

“I love you!” Dedrus’s eyes stared into Kinzer’s with confidence, certainty, as if he wanted to make sure there was no doubt about the sincerity and conviction behind his confession.

How dare he say that to me!

Heat rushed to Kinzer’s face.

“No, you don’t.” Kinzer leaned over his legs. He grabbed his boxers off the floor and wiggled them on.

“Are you telling me what I feel?”

“I just don’t want to hear this bullshit.” Kinzer hopped to his feet, stepping to Dedrus so they were face to face. If he was finally going to confront this, then Kinzer wanted the truth.

“Bullshit? I told you that I loved you. You knew that.”

“Do you really think I believed it?”

The creases in Dedrus’s forehead twitched with his eyebrows. “We were together. I told you I wanted to be with you. I told you I wanted you to be the one—”

The more he spoke, the more it hurt Kinzer. How could he say these things? How could he act like he actually cared about him?

“I was very clear,” Dedrus insisted.

“Why don’t we ask Ryson how clear you were?”

Dedrus’s gaze shifted wall to wall. “Ryson? What about him?”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

“Nothing happened with—”

Kinzer lost it. He lunged forward, gripping Dedrus by his neck and shoving him against the wall beside the fireplace.

This wasn’t like the playful wrestling of their sexual escapades. It was pure, vicious rage.

“Don’t you fucking stand there and lie to me!” His jaw clenched.

He wanted to rip Dedrus apart. No matter how good of friends they’d been, no matter how much they’d been through together, no matter how much he’d helped him these past few days—he couldn’t bear Dedrus’s lying to his face.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Kinzer continued. “I deserve better than that. You look me in the eye and you tell me the truth.”

Tremors vibrated from Dedrus’s neck, through Kinzer’s hand.

Is he scared?

Dedrus hesitated, like he was being careful not to speak too soon. His gaze sank. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kinzer’s nostrils flared. His fist rose, but he stopped it before it built up the necessary momentum to throw a punch. He released him and stepped back, turning away.

“You knew how I felt about you, and I thought I knew how you felt about me.”

The tears from Dedrus’s eyes rushed down his cheeks, catching in his prickly beard. “You should have said something back then.”

“What? That I knew you were fucking Ryson behind my back?”

“They moved me to another troop.”

“Honestly, you didn’t do anything wrong. We’d never talked about any sort of commitment. And when I found out about him, I just assumed I knew why. You didn’t want to commit to me. If that was the case, I wasn’t gonna waste the rest of my life.”

“Is that what you think it would have been? A waste?”

Not a waste. A tragedy. He knew that when he discovered that Dedrus didn’t love him back, he’d be devastated, and he feared that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“I thought I needed to move on.”

“Well, I’m glad one of us could.”

“You’re so full of shit. You’re a fucking liar.”

“A liar?”

“Acting like you were so into me back then. Playing like you didn’t know what I was talking about when I brought up Ryson. This whole ‘woe is me’ shit right now.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dedrus hurried past Kinzer and scooped his jeans and shirt off the floor. He slipped into the jeans, pulling them up his legs.

“I wanted to be with you,” Kinzer said.

“I wanted to be with you, too, you fucking idiot!” The waves of his hair bobbed over his shoulders as he shouted. He buttoned the top button of his jeans and headed for the door.

Kinzer grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“Admit it! You didn’t want me until I was with Janka, because you were jealous. Suddenly, I mattered because I was with someone else who mattered.”

“You’re insane.” Dedrus yanked his arm from Kinzer’s grip.

He walked to the door, set his hand on the knob, and froze. He wiped his hand across his face, freeing a tear that had settled in his scruff.

“Why?” Dedrus asked.

“Why what?”

“You could have told me this back then. You could have confronted me, and I would have told you how much I loved you. How much I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with you. How much that didn’t even matter.”

Kinzer’s rage settled. He didn’t know if what Dedrus was saying was true, but it evoked honesty from him. “I loved you. I thought you were different than all the others. When you went away, I didn’t see anyone else. I didn’t do anything…for a long time. Not because I had to stop myself. Because I couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than you. When I heard about Ryson, I knew you’d never feel for me the way I felt for you.”

Dedrus’s gaze softened as he scanned Kinzer. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but stopped himself.

He opened the door and stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

Kinzer’s thoughts went wild.

What if Dedrus really had loved him? What if, all this time, he’d made such a big deal out nothing?

He returned to the couch, collapsing onto his face. The fabric scratched at his arms as tears collected on the cushion.