Chapter Eighteen
Seb hung his head and Jay had no idea where to start. Or even who should. But it didn’t matter as instinct took over. He lunged forward, slipped a hand around Seb’s neck and pulled him off the step to kiss him. It didn’t taste the same, not now it was he who had the whisky remnants and Seb lacked anything at all. But Jay delved deeper anyway, entwining his tongue with Seb’s in reunion. The rush of it all sent shock waves to his fuzzy mind, releasing his leftover dull ache to an explosion of desperation. He dug his fingertips into Seb’s skin, clinging onto the man as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did? Maybe life as he knew it.
Seb ran his hands up Jay’s back, returning the kiss with as much enthusiasm. Surely that was a good sign? When he reached Jay’s shoulders, he gripped them tight. “Baby.” Seb planted kisses along Jay’s jaw, to his neck, nipping as though Jay was his meal.
Jay needed to touch Seb’s flesh, but there was too much material. Seb never wore so many clothes. Not even in the height of winter. He fumbled with the zip, but searing pain hindered any ability to figure out where the coat started and Seb began. He grimaced, sucking in through gritted teeth.
Seb pulled away. “Shit, baby, you okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” Jay tried to get his lips back on Seb’s, he didn’t want to stop. Not now he’d got the blood flowing to where it should. Finally.
Seb slapped a hand to Jay’s chest and pushed him back, arching an unconvinced eyebrow. “The knee?”
“No.”
“Jay, you just yelped in pain.”
“It wasn’t a yelp.”
Seb clamped his hands on his hips. “What would you refer to it as?”
Jay cocked his head. “An unexpected jolt?”
Seb shook his head. “It’s okay. If you’re not feeling it, we shouldn’t push it. We need to talk anyway, right.”
“I’m fine.” Jay clenched his jaw, he didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want another fight. What he wanted, what he needed, was Seb. He’d always need Seb. And if the man just let me at him…
As Seb brushed his fingertips over Jay’s cheek, his eyes filled with a deep sympathy Jay couldn’t abide. He grabbed Seb’s wrist and slapped his hand down onto his groin.
“That answer your question?” Jay arched his own fucking eyebrow.
Seb cupped the bulge. “I’m not sure.” He travelled his gaze downwards, a smirk dancing on his lips, until he stopped and gasped. “What the fuck is that!”
Dropping Seb’s arm, Jay rubbed a thumb over the plastic wrapped around his left-hand ring finger. “This?” He held it up.
Seb snatched his hand and inspected the black ink smudge beneath the clear film. “Is that a—”
“It’s a guitar.” Jay shrugged. “Pretty small, and it’s meant to have an S going through the strings, but to be honest with ya, babe, I was in so much fucking pain I had my mince pies closed through most of it.” He winced. Seb’s delicate finger running along the burn stung more than the needle had.
“You got a tattoo?”
“Yeah.” Jay tried with a smile. “I wanted to prove something to myself.”
“What?”
“How much I love you. How much I want people to know. That I ain’t scared of this.” Jay waved his hand. “Not so much the needle, but, yeah, that was a fucking eye opener. Or not. How do you do this all the fucking time?”
Seb’s laughter bounced off the walls and warmed Jay’s heart. “Who did it?”
“Sirus. Down the road. Next to the pub. I ain’t sure they should have a place like that next to a boozer. Still, the guy did it despite my ‘inebriation’, so he put it. Guess there are perks to being recognised.”
“You’ve been drinking?”
“Yeah. Look, it’s been a strange day all round. But I learned something today that I should have learned a long time ago.”
“What was that?”
“Not to let people dictate who I am, who I should be and how I should be running my life. Our life. If we still have a joint one?”
Seb bowed his head, mumbling his reply to the hardwood floor. “I saw your earlier message to Ann, so you tell me.”
Jay’s stomach lurched and he desperately tried to recall what he’d written. Shit. Had he told her about Riley? He fished out his phone, scrolling to the sent messages and his eyes fluttered closed. That did not come across like he’d expected. Thanks to JD. Shoving the phone back into his pocket, he dragged his hand through Seb’s hair, to his neck and yanked him forward for a languid kiss.
“Never.” Jay slid his forehead along Seb’s. “It’s only ever been you. It will only ever be you. I had no idea about him or how he’d felt about me. He asked if I would go back and change it all, what happened on the pitch that day and with Tom. And you know what I said?”
Seb shook his head, biting his lip with his eyes so wide the brown swirls were like an endless cavern that Jay had lost himself in. Or found his true self.
“I told him not a chance. ’Cause if that fight hadn’t happened, if he’d not been so scared to admit what he wanted, I wouldn’t have met you.”
“How did he take that?”
“Not great. But I left him behind after telling him I wouldn’t sign the endorsement deal.”
“You already signed it?”
“Nah. I didn’t. He threatened it, yeah, But I signed the test shots only to be seen by the company. I read the contract, Seb. I knew what to look for. He can’t use those images for shit. If he does, the club’ll come down on him so fucking hard he won’t get up.”
“But—”
“You should listen me every now and then. Try it. You might like it.”
Seb smiled. “Maybe. So…we’re good?”
“Depends on what you had to say?”
“Well, I gave you the best speech of my life earlier, but you missed it because you’d decided to deface your finger with ink. Guess you’ll have to wait for the record to come out.”
Jay breathed through a laugh. “Then maybe I’ll give you mine? For my record, I’m sorry. I’ve been a prick. I know it. Even before the injury. I fell in love with you because of your confidence, because you stuck two fingers up at everyone, because you were everything I ain’t. Then when I got you, I told you to not be you. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I don’t wanna have to live in the shadows anymore. I love that your mouth runs away with you, I love that you stand up for what you believe, I love everything about you. All this, was my issue. I let football rule us. Then after the injury, I pushed you away ’cause, I guess, part of me, blamed you for it.” Jay hated that he had to admit that, but he had to. It was only fair to explain why he’d acted the way he had and get everything out in the open.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Jay.” Seb’s eyes glazed over. “I’m sorry I didn’t think what would happen to you by me being so…vocal. I hate that you were injured, and that I could have been the cause.”
“You weren’t.” Jay gripped Seb’s neck. “You, me, our relationship, it ain’t the cause. It’s pricks who think we should hide, or not exist at all. And I’m gonna do something about it.”
“What?”
“I’m gonna talk about it. I’m gonna start opening my mouth. Like I said I would. I’m gonna be the one to stand up and get people to accept. And I’m gonna do it all by getting back on that pitch and being counted. And now I got you with me when I’m there.” Jay ran his thumb over the tattoo on his finger, and sucked in through gritted teeth at the sting. “’Cause if I don’t do it, no one else will. All I’ve done this past year is show others that it’d be easier to stay in the closet. I ain’t doing that anymore. When I saw that fucking picture, I knew it was me that had pushed you back to Stephen.” Jay hung his head, muttering the hardest part to the floor. “I’m now so fucking scared that if I don’t stand up and be the man you need, then I’ll lose you in the end.”
“Baby.” Seb leaned forward to rest his forehead on Jay’s. “You couldn’t ever lose me. Well, unless you say you bought Attax last album.” He breathed through a nervous laugh, then gripped Jay’s neck with an unaccustomed seriousness. “And you did not push me back to Stephen, or to anyone. You are all the man I’ll ever need. Football, no football. Whatever happens, I’m yours and you’re mine. We’re the first team. The band, the club? They’re the B-side.”
“I love you.” Jay almost choked on the words, like it was the first real time he’d ever said them. Perhaps it was. Perhaps the past year he’d only thought he had been in love. Now, though, now he knew it for sure. And the thought of losing it, of losing Seb, trampled him like a stud to the knee. “I love you so fucking much it hurts. You’ve made me a better me. I don’t know how to do all this without you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Seb took his hand and kissed the tattoo. “I love you, too. I should never have left the first time, I’m not making that mistake again. The tour, that was never me leaving you. Everything I’ve become is because of you. Everything I was before you doesn’t exist. The tour’s on hold. Maybe we’ll go when we’re a bit more established. Us, and the band. Right now, I’m here for you. Like I should have been from the beginning.”
Jay fought for the words to ask the next question, but he had to know. “Why were you with him?”
“My father. He called a meeting, selling the house and offering me my stuff back. Stephen was there and it all came to a head. Will pretty much chucked him out destitute. I didn’t tell you because, honestly, baby, there was nothing to tell. The whole thing was so insignificant to me. I should have mentioned it, and I probably would have done eventually, but I was just so psyched about the tour, about you going back to West Ham, about the possibility of a fucking great future together. I’m sorry that I stormed out, or that my actions could have made you think that I’d go back to him, or to anyone. I’d live a life of abstinence if I couldn’t have you.” Seb smiled. “There really is no point dropping a league when you’ve had a taste of the premiership.”
“That’s a football reference.”
“It is. I’m like a pro boyfriend now.”
“What’s the offside rule?”
“It’s when you kiss me.”
Jay laughed, but did it anyway. Because he couldn’t not. He’d heard enough, and it was about time that they made up in the proper sense. So he kissed him, took his hand and led him up the stairs.
“You sure you’re up to this?” Seb asked, voice tight.
“The knee is fine. Full range of movement and the advice is to keep active.” Jay bashed open the door to their bedroom.
“And the finger? I’m surprised you’re not bleeding everywhere. Alcohol thins the blood.”
“That why it hurts so fucking much?”
“It’s your finger, Champ, there’s nothing there to cushion the needle. You’ve opted for the most painful location. Dumb arse.” Seb slapped his chest. “Next time, I’m coming with you.”
“Ain’t no next time. I’ve had one of the biggest back fours in the Premier League ram his studs into my knee, two surgeries to fix it, physio, but this,” Jay held up his hand, “stings like a bitch.” He met Seb’s gaze. “A passive-aggressive one.”
Seb bit his lip. “Jay, about that—”
“I was. And I’m sorry. But right now, I need you.”
That seemed to be all the encouragement Seb needed as he kissed Jay, soft and sweet, slow and seductive. Jay tingled with the excitement and drew Seb in closer, ruffling Seb out of two jackets. Two jackets?
Jay checked the blue coat crumpled in a heap on the floor. “That’s my old—”
“Mesh is making a comeback.”
Jay pressed his lips to Seb’s ear. “So am I.”
“So I see.” Seb trailed his hand down to Jay’s groin, the bulge through Jay’s tracksuit trousers thickening and sparking his revival.
Gripping Seb’s wrist, Jay encouraged the over-the-clothes massage for a while, working himself up. When it wasn’t enough, he delved Seb’s hand underneath his waistband and into his boxers. Seb hummed, wrapping dry fingers around Jay’s erection and tentatively stroking. Jay let him take over from there, let him control what was going to happen. Jay was his, after all.
Jay grabbed the neck of his T-shirt and yanked it over his head, his hair flopping into his eyes. He blew it away so he could settle his gaze on Seb and dragged his trousers and boxers to the floor. Kicking them away, he stood naked in front of the man he loved, open and inviting.
“Personally.” Jay nipped Seb’s earlobe. “I think you have too many clothes on.”
Seb smiled. Then with one last stroke of Jay’s hardened cock, he stepped back and stripped. Jay watched, a thrill tap-dancing down his spine. Seb squirmed out of his too-tight clothes, exposing his tight skin and body of ink. Thousands of people wanted that view, but it was Jay who got it and he planned to be grateful for that fact for as long as he could.
Stepping forward, Jay kissed him, swiping in with his tongue to taste. There was no fear this time. There was no holding back. And Jay had to prove it, as Seb wasn’t going full force. Grabbing a handful of Seb’s arse, Jay tugged him closer and Seb slapped against his chest. Jay ground their cocks together and shivered at the jolt of desire that trickled down to his balls and his demanding dick. With pre-cum seeping from the tip already, it was like his cock had been missing his mate as much as Jay had and it painted Seb’s cockhead with a glistening sheen.
Jay buried his face into Seb’s neck, raging his tongue all over the supple skin and drank in the delicious scent. He grunted, and impatiently grabbed both cocks in one gluttonous hand. He jerked hard, willing them both to a point of no return, and groaned with every heated pump.
“Feels so good, baby. Keep it coming.” Seb trailed his fingers through Jay’s hair, gripping the strands and forced him up for a hungry kiss.
Jay pumped harder, squeezing his cock against Seb’s and slapped his other hand behind Seb’s head to lock him in a dirty mouth-fuck. It was glorious, combined together in Jay’s hand the way they were, but Jay needed more. He had to get more.
Ripping Seb’s head away, Jay stared into the blackened eyes that gazed back at him. He inhaled sharply, feverish with what he wanted to do. It could hurt, but the pleasure-pain threshold had already been scaled and jumped, and there was no stopping him now.
“Jay—”
Seb didn’t get to finish whatever it was he wanted to say as Jay dropped down and sank his knees into the carpet. Fondling Seb’s balls, Jay opened his mouth and sucked Seb’s cock to the back of his throat. He had to keep one hand on the floor, just in case the knee ruined the moment, but he gave it as good a job as he could. Swirling his tongue over every inch of flesh, swiping the head, lapping the salty residue squirming from the tip, Jay purred all through it and Seb grunted, plunging deeper into Jay’s throat. And Jay took it, took all of it, with fucking pleasure.
“Jay, fuck, get on the fucking bed!” Seb scraped his guitar-playing fingernails along Jay’s scalp. “I really want to ravish you, right now.”
Slurping off, Jay smiled at the plummy delivery in Seb’s voice. The mockney act Seb put on for everyone else all but forgotten, and the public-school-educated swine was restored. And Jay fucking loved it. Seb grabbed Jay’s hand and yanked him up, slapped his mouth to his and kissed him all the way to the bed with an urgency Jay shared.
“On your back,” Seb demanded. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Jay slid onto the mattress, slinking into the unmade sheets. “You ain’t gonna. I’m good.”
“You will be when I’m finished with you.” Seb smirked, humming deep in his throat and crawled on top of Jay.
And ravish he did. For what felt like hours. Every kiss Seb planted tinged Jay’s skin. Every lick, every scratch of his nails, and the vibrations of Seb’s groans thundered through Jay’s eager body. Jay lay there, allowing Seb to work his cure all over him and let go of all inhibitions. He now understood what Ann had been banging on about. Gripping the spongy pillows, Jay thrust his body up in impatience.
“Down, boy.” Crouching on his knees between Jay’s legs, Seb tapped Jay’s stomach. “I’m taking this nice and slow. No room for mistakes.” He stroked his hands up the inside of Jay’s thighs and over to his hips. “Not this time.” Shuffling Jay down, Seb kissed Jay’s abs, teasing Jay’s legs apart and kept his eyes focused on Jay above, possibly waiting for his wince, his suck-in of breath, or any indication of painful spasms.
Jay didn’t give any. So Seb travelled up his body, reaching for the lube in the bedside drawer, kissing Jay’s lips as he went. “You stop me if you need to.” His gentle hushed voice tickled against Jay’s cheek and he erupted in goose pimples.
Jay sucked on Seb’s bottom lip. “You’re the only thing I wanna feel tomorra.”
Seb chuckled, his chest vibrating against Jay’s. “I really must to start listening to you more.”
Seb sloped off Jay to coat a generous amount of liquid over his dick and slid the flesh in and out of his balled fist. He took his time, taunting Jay with his masturbatory hand-job and licked his top lip, fluttering his eyes shut.
Jay leaned up on his elbows. “You want your hand, or me?” It was an honest question.
Answering with actions, Seb grabbed Jay’s bad leg and lifted it up to drape over his shoulder. Jay lay flat and Seb shoved Jay’s other leg away with less care or attention, then squeezed more lube onto his palm. He worked his fingers through the crevice of Jay’s arse and teased for a while before inserting two.
Jay writhed, lifting his backside off the bed. There wasn’t any pain, not really, not in comparison to the last few months. And the pleasure of Seb fondling his spot overrode anything else, especially when he tugged Jay’s cock in sync. Jay thought he was going to spill all then. But Seb knew, he always knew how far to take it. To the edge.
“Get in me.” Jay gritted his teeth, urging himself not to end this before they’d both got what they so desperately needed.
“Bossy.” Seb tutted but obeyed the order by lining his cock up at the ready, then held his breath as he eased his way through the ring of muscle. “Fuck, yeah. God, so fucking good.”
Tightening his legs around Seb’s back, Jay dug his heels in, encouraging Seb to go deeper, harder. He could take it. He needed it. More than even he’d realised. And every inch that vanished inside him stretched him to the max and it was fucking glorious.
Lowering his head, Seb kissed him. “I love you, baby.” He drew out, then slipped back in. “I love you. So. Fucking. Much.”
Jay should probably have returned those three words, but he was so engulfed in the moment he could do nothing except kiss. It was as if his brain had switched off and his instincts had finally taken over. Clutching onto the crunchy spikes of Seb’s hair, Jay crushed Seb onto him with the power that he remembered his trained legs could have. Nothing else mattered anymore. Not football, not the injury, not the media. It was just the two of them, together, merging as one to Seb’s rhythmic beats. Nothing can top this.
With no skin untouched, Seb’s moistened body slid with Jay’s and he pounded harder into him, grunting with each magnificent thrust. Jay threw his arms back, scrabbling to find something to hold on to as he trembled with the anticipation of what was to come. Seb raged his hands along Jay’s sides, over his arm pits and pinned Jay’s wrists to the bed. Grounded.
It’s time. “I love you, too, baby.”
Probably not expecting the heartfelt sentiment, and with a deep and wanton moan that vibrated in Jay’s thickened balls, Seb came inside him. He slid his hands up to entwine his fingers with Jay’s, gripping on to ride out the orgasm to a rampant end. It was delicious to watch, to feel it, and be a part of it.
Jay didn’t know how he managed it, but Seb regained his composure at lightning speed to pull out of him and lower Jay’s leg to the bed, before shuffling down and gobbling Jay’s raging cock to the root. It only took a couple of sucks and Jay shot his pent-up load down Seb’s glorious throat. Seb swallowed it, suckling Jay dry and held Jay’s gaze as he did so. Quivering, Jay’s whole body convulsed with its delirious release. Seb slurped off, and crawled up to reach Jay’s lips, finishing the session off with a mouth-watering kiss.
“What a comeback.” Seb collapsed on Jay’s chest, his heaving breath scattering the hairs on each nipple.
Jay chuckled. He threw his arms around Seb and was content to stay that way until morning. Or until next week. Next month. Whenever he thought he might be able to move again.