The last month has rushed by.
In between classes, studying, trying to learn as much as I could on pregnancy, adoption, and even abortion, plus spending as much time as possible with Morgan, I’ve been stacked. Still, I feel like every moment with Morgan was worth it. Laura and I have been there for her and, with a little help, she finally felt strong enough to talk to Max. Now she’s moved in with him, Laura has moved in with Tarrant, and their dorm is officially no more.
I’ve made time to speak to Casper pretty regularly, but I’ve kept it light. Now I’m not on the football team, I’ve only seen him during our shared classes. That means it’s been easier, we’re not in each other’s faces. I spend my lunch with Laura and Tarrant, and often Solomon will join us, but I let the football team be. Neither Casper nor I have mentioned what happened, and I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or frustrated by that.
Art is the place where we share more of ourselves. I think there are two sides to him, the one he shows the world, and the one he shows me. I just need to work out which one is the real Casper. I haven’t pushed him, trying to give him as much space as I can, but when he thinks I’m otherwise occupied, I notice him looking. He can’t hide his interest in me anymore.
Our conversations never pass the point of causing change, though. I keep it safe… we keep it safe. I know if either of us stretches our boundaries right now, the fragile beginnings of any relationship which we might possibly create, could shatter.
“Ugh.” I shove myself away from my desk and walk over to the window. This house is cold and empty lately. Mom’s job is busier than ever. She’s in marketing now, moving up in the ranks. She works late more often than not, and with her job being an hour’s drive away, I barely see her.
Tarrant’s never here, opting instead to live above his garage. That leaves only me. On nights like this, when the rain is lashing down, and I’m home alone, I feel stuck. It’s ridiculous, I have my truck outside, but the problem is I have nowhere to go. I could text Solomon or Aaron and meet up with them, but I’m not feeling it at the moment. I don’t want to risk running into Tim and Den, my bullshit tolerance level is at an all-time low right now.
“Wonder what the time is?” I mutter to myself. Checking my watch, it’s a little after ten pm. “Fuck it!” I snap at nobody. Grabbing my jacket and shrugging it on, I do the only thing I can think of, I drive to the beach.
There’s no bonfires lighting the sand tonight, which is truly surprising as it’s a Saturday. Thankfully the rain has stopped, and there isn’t much wind, so I’m comfortably warm as I wander along the water’s edge. Without thinking too long and hard, I pull out my cell and text Casper.
Me: Hey, I wondered if you were busy. I’m walking the beach if you want to keep me company?
I hold the phone in front of me for a few seconds, waiting to see if he responds. The message tells me it’s been read, but those three little dots never appear, and Casper doesn’t reply.
I huff out a laugh at my stupidity and continue my jaunt, taking longer strides, eating up the sandy distance quicker than I first wanted to. The rocks where I often relax beckon me as I near them, so I take my place on the cold stone and pop in my earphones. I turn up the volume as Daughtry starts singing ‘It’s Not Over’ in my ears, but I don’t close my eyes.
Considering it was raining only thirty minutes ago, there are now no clouds in the sky, and the stars seem as though they were put there especially for my pleasure. My eyes start drooping, so I check my watch and see that only twenty minutes have passed. But out here, alone with the stars, I feel like it’s been hours. Getting up from the confines of the rocks, I pull out my earbuds. I’m about to walk back to my truck when Casper appears in front of me. He slams to a halt, seeming as surprised as I am.
“Oh.” It’s stupid, but it’s the only word able to free itself from my closed up throat. His lips quirk as he doesn’t quite smile, but in the moonlight, under the stars his eyes shine with amusement. “You didn’t respond to my text.” I shrug one shoulder. “I assumed you weren’t coming. I’m heading back to my truck.”
Casper looks behind him then turns back, his gaze travels over my shoulder. “How about we go sit? Unless you have to be somewhere?”
I’m not really sure why, but I want to tell him to go fuck himself, my anger is so sharp it’s piercing me from the inside out. There’s a shell surrounding me, and for the first time in forever, I’m stabbing holes in it… I can see the slithers of lights and they are beautiful. Confliction cements my frame, the siren of warning shrieking in my head is only mitigated by the continuous resounding thud of my blood pumping. The age-old battle, head versus heart. I’m just not sure why they’re fighting this time. “We can sit,” I reply and turn back to my rock, my safe place. Casper follows me quietly, and I almost ask why he’s here, but I know there’s sarcasm coiled within me, waiting to vomit all over him. So I wait it out, my mouth clamped shut.
Watching him trying to cram his big body into my space—an area little more than a bathroom cubicle in size—is somewhere between laughable, and hot as hell. He jostles one leg in, then the other, crouching down to avoid the rock poking out above him on his side. My mind moves back and forth, finding his movements hilarious, but every time I take note of his long legs, or his biceps moving under his white hoodie, I suppress the craving I feel in my gut. Observing him trying to enter my space has washed away the anger which was aflame.
I watch Casper carefully as he swallows, looking around the tight space. His profile is strong, manly, but his eyes are vulnerable. Biting my lip, I close my eyes and chastise myself. I’ve been angry with him for what? For not saying he’s gay? For not admitting how he feels? What right do I have to demand he tells me what’s going on inside his head, or his heart? It took me long enough to come to terms with who I am, and even longer to admit it to the world. Casper might not even know what he wants. Who he wants. He might not even know who he is.
“I was out when you texted. A party.” He looks away from me, toward the waves slithering onto the shore. “I wasn’t feeling it.” He shrugs. “Figured I’d swing by, and see if you were okay.”
Laying back on my rock, I return my gaze to the stars, grateful because unlike Casper I have a clear view above me on my side. “When I’m here, everything is peaceful, nothing can hurt me.” I’m not sure why I need him to understand the significance of this place and how it feeds my soul, but I do.
Casper leans to one side, dodging the rock above him and looks up at the sky. “I get it,” he whispers.
“So, why weren’t you feeling the party? No girls interest you?” I pry.
His head jerks back sharply and collides with the rock. I wince as he cusses, rubbing his temple, then I try not to laugh as he throws a few more fucks into the air. “Not funny, Reigns,” he snaps, and I grin outright. His eyes move to my mouth like they always seem to do, and even in the darkness, I can see his appetite. He checks himself almost instantly. Shaking his head in denial maybe? “I’m not into sloppy seconds. Most of the girls there have already been with someone else from the football team,” he explains. It’s a rehearsed line—I know them, I’ve used them. I’m just not sure why he’s using it on me, especially after our kiss.
“Right,” I answer blandly. “So, no one’s caught your eye?”
His eyes flit to me then the floor, and he rubs his forehead. “Naa.”
We sit in the quiet, and I think about all the things I wish I could do. All the ways I wish I could express my inner voice.
“I’m good, okay?” I tell him, finally letting the truth sink in, that he might never feel how I do.
“Good?” he replies.
“I don’t know how you feel, Casper. When I was coming to terms with who I am, I felt restless. There was all this noise inside me, it was almost crushing. I thought when I let it go, I would crumble, but I didn’t. Instead, I freed myself,” I tell him sitting up and leaning forward. “I know how hard it is. How scary it is… to let go.” I smile at him sadly, looking over his face, his amber eyes shine in the moonlight. His hair pokes out from his hoodie, hanging slightly in his eyes. “You might never be where I am. I’m comfortable with myself now. And Casper, I’m happy to have you as a friend. That’s enough for me,” I lie. I know I’m breaking a little inside, but I don’t want my feelings to be placed on his shoulders. It’s not fair. He has to figure it out on his own, in his own way. He has to do it on his own terms.
Standing, I smile down at him. “I’m heading home, you’re free to go back to the party,” I say, getting up and taking a few steps down toward the beach.
“Wait.” He rushes, standing carefully, to miss the rock. He takes three long strides until he’s firmly in my space.
Our faces are so close, our mouths merely a couple of inches apart. “What?”
Casper shocks the shit out of me when he gently cups my cheek with his hand, and his eyes move over my face like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. “I know what I want. I’ve known what I wanted for enough time that I should apologize for my behavior.” His thumb strokes across my cheek. “I thought… maybe I would lose the people in my life I love… my family, my friends. It just took me a little longer to understand.”
“Understand?” My voice wobbles with emotion.
“That my mom, my uncle, my cousin will always support me. The rest of my family can fall in line… or not.” He shrugs. “I’ve been here for two months now, and you and Tarrant are my only real friends. Well, and Solomon, but I doubt he’ll be a little bitch about it.”
“A little bitch?” I question and feel stupid for continually repeating his words, but it’s the only thing I seem capable of at the moment.
“About me advertising the fact that I’m gay. Not that it’s anyone’s business. But I’m not going to hide who you are to me. I’m not going to pretend. Not anymore.”
“Why?” I choke out the word.
“Because I realized tonight, when I was at that party, and you texted me. Something inside told me this was my last chance. If I didn’t claim you, someone else would. Then I’d be the one sitting across the room, watching you with another guy.”
His words are so profound I can’t help but kiss him hard. A jolt of fear runs through me, but it’s washed away when I feel how much he wants me. And as he wraps me in his arms and claims me, I know, this time… I’m really his.