CHAPTER 10
May
Three weeks later
I’m worried about you. Can we meet?
I look down at the message on my phone and I almost want to cry. I want to type back my true feelings.
Yes! But let’s not just meet. Let’s spend everyday together for the rest of our lives.
But I don’t dare type that.
Because I don’t know how many more days I’ve got left. These last few weeks have gone by so quickly. Everything worked exactly as we could have hoped except for one thing. The biggest thing.
We had real feelings for each other and we both knew it.
As much as I wanted to spend all my time with him I couldn’t. It just wouldn’t be fair. I was already piling up a stack of immature actions and decisions so high it’s a wonder he still spoke to me at all.
First I asked the most honorable man I know to do something dishonorable.
Then I lose my virginity to my ultimate guy in my ultimate sexual fantasy without telling him I was a virgin? Telling him after wasn’t the same. And the way he looked at me when I told him that. It was like he didn’t ever want to let me go.
And that’s the problem. It’s not fair to get involved with him like this when I don’t even know what’s going to happen with my own life, or lack thereof. He says he doesn’t want to focus on the future, just for us to spend the days we have together. But what if I’m just wasting his time? When he’s spending time with me he can’t be out finding someone who’s a better long term prospect than I am. But he swears I’m the only long term prospect, and when he says those things it just hurts even more.
And it’s not just the mental, but the physical aspects too. The first time we had sex was unprotected. I knew it was a time of the month when I wasn’t likely to get pregnant, but still it was selfish and ridiculous. It was like my body was telling me to try and reproduce especially considering I didn’t know if I was going to have another opportunity.
But there’s no way I can have surgery if I’m pregnant.
Every part of me was telling me to be with this guy 24/7, but there was something inside me that spoke to me just a little bit louder that told me I can’t. It’s not fair.
And here he is still trying.
And to make matters worse tomorrow we fly together to New York to meet with Doctor Schmidt. The plan is he’s going to take a look at me again and run some tests and more than likely I’ll have surgery before the end of the week, quickly followed up by treatment.
All paid for by Steven’s insurance. How that got approved I still don’t know. I know he must have made calls and risked even more than he’s already risking, if there was anything else to risk.
He was risking it all for me and I was so grateful I was almost ashamed. And scared. Scared that I’d finally “got” the man I always wanted, but something told me the time we were going through was just too emotional. Plus it was never supposed to be real in the first place. If I pull through then okay, we can see about it then. But not now. I need to go through this by myself as much as possible.
I laugh in-between tears. “By yourself, huh, May? As if he hasn’t been with you every step of the way.”
And has he ever. Without him I don’t even want to think about where I’d be at right now. But I don’t have to think because I already know.
No options. No hope. No future.
But thanks to him all those no’s are yeses.
He’s made the impossible possible.
Now let’s just hope Doctor Schmidt can do the same.
And if he can then maybe, just maybe, this fairy tale can become a reality.