Chapter 20
I’m at the stove frying meatballs when Timmy walks through the front door.
“Timmy,” I call.
No answer.
I’m done with this. With his cold shoulder and one word answers. I’m so fucking done. I’ve given him time and space, now it’s time to shake him up and get in his face.
“If you don’t get over here by the time I count to three, I’m coming in your room and taking a hammer to your guitar.”
That does the trick. Counting always worked when he was younger and nothing seem to matter to him as much as his guitar. I hear his footsteps coming nearer.
“What?”
My mouth drops. His face has dried up blood, and his eye is purple, as if it’s bruising. He’s been fighting. Before I ask any questions, I reach into the freezer, pull a bag of frozen peas from it, and hand it to him.
“What happened?”
“Nothing,” Timmy says holding the bag over his eye.
“Bullshit! Timothy Michael Doherty, I’ve had it with you. I am your mother, whether you like it or not, so enough of the cold shoulder bullshit, you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on, or I’m calling the police and you could tell them.”
“I’m fine. Okay? I just got into a scrape with the ass-wipe that threatened Arianna.”
“Did he threaten her again?”
“No he was talking trash about you. Are you happy? All the fucking boys at school think you’re a fucking prostitute. And I’m sick of fucking hearing it. I wish you weren’t my mother! Just leave me the fuck alone!”
I don’t hear the end of my son’s rant. It’s as if someone shut my hearing off. And darkness creeps in all around me, from every angle. My head feels funny. Dizzy. I reach for Timmy, but it’s too late, I can’t grab onto him, can’t secure my feet on the ground.
I try to scream as my legs give way beneath me and I hit the ground.
*
I dream of Chance. It’s the first good dream I’ve had of him since we broke up. The first time he speaks to me, and holds me, and assures me everything is going to be all right. I don’t want to wake up. I want to stay here, where I’m happy.
“Oh my God, Mr. Carter. I’m so sorry! I didn’t know who else to call, she just . . . she’s been miserable and depressed, and I only make things worse.” Timmy rambles quickly, in a high pitched voice. “She fucking passed out and it’s my fault. I was so mean, and I told her I didn’t want her to be my mother.”
“It’s okay, Tim. She knows you didn’t mean it.”
“Yeah, but If she dies . . .”
“Whoa. Hold on. She’s not going to die.”
“You don’t know that.”
Timmy’s hysterical. I want to open my eyes and reassure him I’m okay, and I forgive him, but I don’t. Because I’m selfish. Chance is here, and I’m afraid the second I open my eyes, he’s going to bolt out the door.
“Tell me what happened. Can you do that?”
Timmy sniffles. “I came home and she was cooking. And then she threatened to smash my guitar if I didn’t come out of my room. She saw my face and freaked.”
Someone strokes my hand before lifting it and rubbing their thumb back and forth. I can’t mistake that touch. It’s Chance. He’s here and he’s touching me.
“And then I said some really mean shit to her and she looked like she was reaching out for me, but I moved so she couldn’t touch me. I didn’t help her. I just let her fall.” My son sobs. “I didn’t know this was going to happen.” His cries are muffled. Muted. I hope Chance is consoling him.
“Hey, whatever happened, it’s not your fault. She loves you more than anything. Trust me, once she opens her eyes she’s going to tell you just how much.”
“No. I’ve been such a dick. To both of you. I can’t believe you’re even talking to me. Please, Mr. Carter, please make her better.”
“Ah, Tim, all we can do is wait and see what the doctors have to say. As far as me being here, I told you I would, no matter what.”
“That was before. I’m so sorry. Everything got so fucked up. I was losing Arianna and then my mother. I had no control of anything. I didn’t know what to do. So I ruined everything. Why didn’t you go to the police? Why don’t you hate me?”
“Because I‘ve been where you are. We do stupid things and lash out at the people that love us. Later we regret them. Don’t get me wrong, I was pissed at you. Still am. But I didn’t think you really wanted to hurt me. Besides, I haven’t taught you all my tricks. I could still take you down if I have to.” I hear lightheartedness in Chance’s voice.
“You’re pissed, but you came anyway?” Timmy sounds confused and broken.
“That’s what you do when you love someone. You make sure you’re there when they need you, no matter what.”
“You really love her?”
A chair scrapes across the floor. “I do. Very much.”
“She loves you, too. All she does is cry and mope around. I wish I could go back and handle it different.”
“I know what you mean. I have a confession. I ran into her today, and I wasn’t very nice. I basically ignored her. If I could do it over, I’d tell her that I love her. That I’m mad as hell at her, but I’m losing my shit without her.”
That’s all I need to hear. My eyes flutter open. I turn toward the men I love. Timmy notices first. He rushes over to the bedside and holds on to the guard rail.
“Mom! I’m so sorry I was such a dick. Just get better, and I’ll never do anything like that again.”
“Language,” Chance warns.
“It’s okay.” My voice is lower than I expect. Weak. “I’m just glad you’re here.” I smile at my son.
Chance squeezes my hand and leans forward in the chair, closer to the bed. His pained eyes say more than words could.
“I’m glad you’re here, too,” I squeeze his hand back.
“How much of our conversation did you hear?” Chance asks with a smirk.
“Enough.”
“Kim I—“
“It’s okay. We’ll talk about it later?”
He nods. “Do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you?”
I look at the monitor I’m hooked up to, then up at the bag of clear liquid attached to an IV they placed in my other hand.
“I’d like something to drink. Some water or juice.”
“Okay.”
Chance gets up and Timmy takes his place.
He only sits for a minute when a very young male doctor enters the room and kicks Timmy out.
“I love you, Mom,” my son says before leaving.
“Are you feeling better?” The man asks with a smile.
“Much.”
“You were dehydrated.”
“I guess that’s from throwing up so much. I don’t even want to look at food.”
“Well that’s certainly not the answer. You need to eat, and make sure you drink a lot to counteract the morning sickness,” he says, moving his stethoscope around my belly. “Otherwise you risk losing the baby.”
“The what?” Chance and I say at the same time.
Once I heard morning sickness, I forgot about Chance and Timmy and everyone else in the world besides the doctor. I didn’t realize Chance came back in the room, and I’m afraid to look at him. Afraid this is the straw that will drive him away for good.
The Doctor’s eyes narrow on me. “You do know that you’re pregnant don’t you?”
I swallow hard, this can’t be happening.
“No. There must be some mistake. I can’t be pregnant.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m going through menopause.”
“Did your doctor tell you that you couldn’t get pregnant?”
“Not exactly, but I wasn’t able to conceive before that, and I haven’t had my period in half a year.”
“You can go many months without ovulating, then an egg drops at just the right time, it gets fertilized, and you’re pregnant.”
“Do we know how far along she is?” Chance asks.
“No. But since you didn’t know, we could have someone come in and give you an ultrasound while your IV finishes. That should be able to give you an idea of when you’re due.”
The doctor leaves. Neither of us say anything. Chance hasn’t moved.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I say freaked out. “I had no idea. I thought I couldn’t get pregnant.”
He steps forward, puts the juice and straw down on the rolling table next to the bed. Chance takes my hand, he takes a long look into my eyes, and then a deep breath. Still no words leave his mouth, and I have no clue to what he’s thinking.
“Chance? Are you oaky?”
He lets go of me and paces the small area next to my bed with both hands behind his neck.
“Chance, please say something. Anything.”
He shakes his head. “Ashley told me you were throwing up in the bathroom. I didn’t even consider that you might be pregnant.”
Ashley. That’s the one word I wish he didn’t say.
“Ashley. You’re back with her.”
Chance just looks long and hard at me, his face, his eyes give nothing away. No confirmation. No denial.
“What do you want me to say, Kim? I mean you’ve made it perfectly clear you didn’t want me. Every time something uncomfortable comes up, your instinct is to give up and run.”
“I didn’t run.”
“No. This time you made me the bad guy. You pushed me away. Shoved me out the fucking door.”
“I wanted to protect my son.”
He shakes his head. “That’s exactly it. You made your decision and didn’t care about what I thought. Is that how it’s going to be with a baby? You’re just going to dismiss whatever I think or feel because you know better? Because you’ve been through it before and I haven’t?”
“I would never—“
“But you did.”
“That’s not what I did. Don’t pervert my concerns. Timmy still has a hard time with losing his father. Mike and I didn’t break up. We didn’t disagree. He was killed. Shot in the head. I do the best I can with all of it.” I pause for a beat and get back to the problem at hand. “Chance, this is different. I need to know, do you want this baby?”
“Does it matter what I want?”
“Of course it does. I love you. I didn’t think it was possible to find love again, but I did. And I get that I blew it. I did everything wrong. Especially at the end. I understand that I hurt you. But that was never my intention.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” I lie, because I’m afraid of his reaction.
I do know. I want Chance and this baby. This miracle baby that I didn’t think could ever be conceived. I want us all to be a big happy family. But I let Chance go. Pushed him away and no matter how much he loves me, things are complicated now. I’m pregnant with a baby he never planned for and it will no doubt have some bearing on his renewed relationship with Ashley.
“That’s the problem.” He crosses his arms over his chest. I’ve never seen his eyes so sad. His face is contorted with pain. “You don’t know what you want. That includes me.”
“Chance please,” I sit up and reach for his hand. He doesn’t fight me. He allows me to take it, to hold on to him with both hands. “I don’t know how or why this happened. Years ago, after Timmy, Mike and I tried to have another baby, but I never conceived. He was tested. The problem was with me. I see this as some kind of miracle. I think we can both do with a bit of miracle in our lives.”
I’m wearing him down. I can see his face softening.
“Great. You’re pregnant. You can have this baby without me if that’s what you want.”
“That’s not what I want!”
I can’t take anymore. My resolve cracks. I think it’s gone for good as tears streak down my face. I’m done pretending to be strong. I’m breaking down in front of him, letting him see the vulnerable, weak side of me, but I don’t care.
“I want you, Chance. I love you, and I know this isn’t the future you envisioned or planned for, but I want to do this with you as my partner. I want you by my side every step of the way.”
He sits on the edge of the bed and strokes my hair, but I’m not done. I can’t hold back, I need to get it all out and let the chips fall where they may.
“And I know that makes me selfish, because you weren’t looking for long term, but I don’t care. Ashley doesn’t deserve you. She cheated on you when you needed her the most. It’s our time now. I need you, and not because I’m pregnant. I need you because you taught me how to be happy again. How to make the most out of every day and find happiness when all I can see is sorrow.” I’m crying and I sound hysterical, but I don’t care.
“I need you because you’re my balance when I’m on the edge. You’re my alternate point of view when I have blinders on. And . . .” I fold my hands across my belly protectively and hug it. “I need you to be part of our baby’s life. To teach it love and patience and how to stand up to a bully because I’m not always good at that. But most of all, I need you because I’ve lived without you before and after I fell in love with you, and that life is cold and lonely. It’s ugly, and I promise to do better this time. I’ll never let you go again.”
He breathes a sigh of relief and pulls me against his chest. I hold him tight. It’s been so long, too long, since he held me like this.
“I’m not with Ashley. I needed a friend. Someone I could trust to give it to me straight. She happened to be in town and we had lunch and talked. About you.” He pulls back to look in my eyes. “As far as the baby, of course I want it. I didn’t want something long term with a younger woman. I want it all with you, Kim. I want a house, a family and a happily ever after.”
“Did I miss something? Did you just propose?” Timmy asks walking in with a tray full of food.
“No way, man. I wouldn’t do that without asking your permission first.”
“Really? Then what’s going on?”
Chance and I look at each other.
“It’s your call,” Chance says.
“No. It’s ours.”
Timmy puts the tray on the rolling table. Before we have the opportunity to get into the details of what he walked in on, a technician comes in with an ultrasound machine. My son looks scared.
“What is that? What’s it for?”
I jump in before anyone else can answer. “Its fine, Timmy. They just need to take a look at something. Can you do me a favor and give us a few minutes. Please.”
“Okay. Do you mind if I take the fries?”
“Help yourself.”
“You coming, Mr. Carter?”
Chance looks at me for help. I don’t want him to leave. Just like I said a few minutes ago, I want him by my side as my partner. I want him to enjoy every part of this experience.
“Actually, honey, I’d really like for Chance to stay here with me.”
“Okay.” Timmy says and walks out.
“If you’re not far enough along, we may not be able to see anything.” The woman says once I pull my underwear down. She dims the lights, and enters our information into the computer, before putting a condom and gel on the wand that goes inside me.
I hold onto Chance’s hand as we watch the monitor, waiting to see what it might show.
“Here’s the little bugger.” She turns a knob and we hear a swishing with a definite pattern. “That’s the heartbeat,” she says, taking pictures and zooming in and out of different parts of the image.
I pull my eyes from the monitor to glance at Chance. He’s watching open mouthed. I squeeze his hand, my heart thrumming. We’re having a baby. Chance and I are having a baby!
Once the ultra sound is complete, the technician hands us a picture she printed of our little munchkin.
“We’re really doing this?” Chance asks, excitement shining in his eyes.
“I nod. We’re really doing this!”
“I love you so much,” he says, leaning in to kiss me.
Once his lips meet mine I thread my fingers through his hair. Chance slips his arms beneath me and holds me close as he deepens the kiss. He pulls away suddenly, and I’m worried the gravity of the situation might have hit him. We’re going to be responsible for a life, a brand new, precious life.
“Don’t look so disappointed,” Chance says trailing his fingers down the side of my cheek. “You’ll have plenty of me once we get you home.” He looks up at the IV bag. “But right now, there’s a certain teenage boy I need to kiss up to.’
“Why’s that?”
“Because he’s going to hate me when he finds out I knocked his mother up. I better go get his blessing to marry you before we tell him.”
I watch Chance walk out of my room. I hate watching him leave. I don’t think that will ever Change, but I’m okay. This time is different. This time I know he’s coming back.