THEN
The heat in the air clung to my skin.
Gavin walked across the stage with a huge, proud grin aimed my way. I waved at him, and then he turned, grabbing for his high school diploma.
By that point, he wasn’t only mine anymore. The crowd erupted. The captain of the beloved hockey team had grown to heights I couldn’t reach. I tried constantly, because it was Gavin, and if he were at a level, I had to be at that level, too. He pulled and tugged, desperate to get me beside him, but he didn’t get it.
Not everyone got to see the top. I never expected that I would. I always knew he would. And deep down, I feared the day he got there. He’d look down at me and I’d look up at him, and we’d be so far apart we’d never touch again.
I had a panic attack on that stage. The C’s quickly became the D’s, and my name was called.
“Jasmeen DeJones.”
I got a complimentary round of applause, like every graduate, but the only cheers I cared about were from Gavin. Mom and Dad weren’t there, had never even asked when to show. He whooped and hollered in the audience, and a smile broke out across my face. A few girls in line shook their heads in confusion. No one understood why Gavin and I were together. I was quiet and kept to myself, and my only friends were Montana and Kerry. Gavin had gone from the boy next door, to the star.
Every day I felt him slip a little further away from me. I never told him, but that small distance ate away at my soul. What would I do when he left for college? I was stuck at home for community college. Mom and Dad didn’t want to waste money on a four-year university when my major was still undecided. Gavin had gotten a scholarship to play hockey at the University of Washington for the Washington Huskies.
He had never been happier. I was happy for him, from the bottom of my soul—I knew how hard he’d worked—but I feared for us so badly, it kept me up most nights.
We would be a fifteen-minute drive apart. It felt like fifty miles apart.
I didn’t see Gavin for five days after graduation. He had interviews, parties, orientation, and physical training tests for his upcoming practice season with the Huskies. I no longer tried to fight my want for him. I wanted him more than I wanted anything. More than air, more than food—Gavin gave me sustenance, and I refused to defend it a moment longer.
Even if Montana tried incessantly to point out his faults. I hated it when she did that. We all had faults. No one had it all figured out, least of all me. My faults were starting to pile up, though.
I was out front washing my car when he pulled up in his second-hand Honda. Every time I saw it, I remembered when he’d bought it. Working two jobs, playing hockey, and keeping his GPA up. He was Superman. And I was some lame human trying to tug on his cape.
There was a time when we both hoped for capes. And I knew there would come a time when I had to let him fly away. My heart ached, but I pasted a smile on my face.
He stepped out of his car and returned my smile, and then his eyes drug slowly over my body. My jean shorts were cut from his old jeans, and my tank top was an old team shirt from his last hockey team. Gone was the boyish thin frame I donned for most of my life. In its place was a body I didn’t mind letting him touch and kiss. His pupils dilated, and he licked his lips.
I took advantage of his inundated state to check him out too. I never got enough of his fiery brown eyes, or biceps. He spent so much time in the gym, he’d had to buy new clothes to fit him. He was tall and lean, and his six pack had started to make my knees weak. His messy, adorable hair was damp with sweat, and his cheeks were the faintest shade of pink.
For five days, I held my breath. I tried to sleep. I tried to live. Without Gavin, it was almost impossible to find reason in normal things. He turned brushing our teeth into a race, an adventure. He made each meal a decadent indulgence. He made every smile real. He made my life mean so much more, and he kissed a trail of love over every inch of my heart.
Four years in different colleges was going to ruin me.
He produced a bundle from behind his back and grinned. “Miss me? Because damn it, Jas. I missed you so fucking much.”
I wiped my wet hands off on my shirt, walking over to him and grabbing the bundle of light purple daisy-like flowers he’d brought. It was the first time he’d given them to me, and I inhaled them deeply, my toes curling in my flip flops. “I missed you, Gavin. Every time you’re not there, I miss you.”
His eyes softened, and he bent down, pressing a deep, panty melting kiss to my lips outside in front of everyone. He took my flowers and set them on the back of my car and then pressed me to the slick, wet surface. His hands roamed, massaging my boobs and pinching my nipple as his other hand tangled in my hair. My panties didn’t stand a chance.
Over the years, sex had gone from sweet and slow, to deep and rough. It grew up as we did. I trailed my hands over his abs through his shirt, and snaked one down to stroke his hard bulge tenting his gym shorts. He groaned into my kiss.
Gavin was the only part of my life that made me hungry, that gave me something to hunger for. I was empty on my own; he filled me up with every emotion and desire I’d ever need. I loved him so much, and I kissed him deeper, taking over.
He moaned, dark and deep, into my mouth. He pressed me into the car and kissed me back just as hard, and I knew without asking that he was feeling the same thing.
Gavin didn’t want to fly away from me. He’d rip his cape off to stay on the ground. But I wouldn’t let him. Even if I had to let him fly, I’d make sure he soared. He deserved to be Superman.
Someone cleared their throat behind us, and we let the other go. Slowly. I looked over my shoulder to see my father walked toward his car in the driveway.
He nodded at Gavin. “What’s up, son?”
“Um, don’t be alarmed. This is just a warm up to some serious inner reflection,” Gavin said, straight-faced.
My father barked out a laugh and snorted. “Sure, sure, Gavin. I’ve got no choice but to believe you.” He passed by us and patted my head, the extent of his attention placed on me.
At eighteen, I’d grown used to and even accepted the minimalist parenting technique my mother and father had adopted. If they were painters, there’d be one fruit in their bowl, and it would have rotted years ago.
With Gavin, I was still ripe.
“Why do you think they’re so empty?” Gavin had asked me one night. We’d spent the night together in his car, and the foggy windows made me smile. We were wrapped up in the other’s arms beside the lake in the dark.
I trailed my finger over his ribcage and shrugged. “I think they married the wrong people.”
“Why don’t they just get divorced?”
“Then they’d have to admit they were wrong. My mother’s never wrong.”
He chuckled, the brush of heat from his laugh kissing my shoulder and traveling down my neck. “Yeah, I forgot that part. She predicted us,” he whispered, kissing down my temple.
I turned my head to the side and found his lips. Before either of us could think, I was on top of him, and he had to put another condom on. I took him inside of me and gasped quietly, sinking down on top of him. He felt so good when we were connected like that. His hands dug into my hips and his eyes were barely open.
I rode him until we were both screaming, and we fought every fear that we’d ever had about us.
We were right for each other.
We were perfect for each other.
“Want to go to the lake?” I asked him, peering into his eyes.
He put his forehead to mine. “I wish I could. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. But I’ve got to meet with the new team tonight. We’ve got this meet and greet thing.” He grinned, his eyes excited and both leery. “I just wanted to stop by and see you.”
My heart dropped further, but I smiled back. “That’s okay. I’m so happy for you, you know that right, Gav? You worked so hard and you deserve this. Have fun, okay? For both of us.”
He kissed me for a full five minutes before saying goodbye.
“Put those in water,” he ordered, pointing to the light purple daisy-like flowers.
“What are they?”
“Asters,” he answered. “It’s an enchanted flower. They’re also a talisman of love. So keep them close, okay?”
I blushed, giving them a sniff. “I love you, Gavin.”
He patted his heart and sank down in his front seat. “I love you more, Jasmeen.”
I didn’t see him again for another five days. The aster flowers were starting to droop, and it broke my heart. I tried everything to save them. Cutting off the stem, pouring vinegar into the water, moving them into the sunlight. They drooped, the light purple petals falling to my bedside table and onto the floor. I didn’t pick them up. I kept them there, inhaling the sweet scent as I fell asleep.
When Gavin came over again, I dragged him upstairs and showed him how much I missed him. He left when we were done, but he’d brought new aster flowers.
I got a job at a coffee shop and he took me out to dinner to celebrate. He dropped me off at my place with a goodnight kiss with an excuse I would soon learn to hate. “Practice tonight.”
I started hanging out with Montana more. She was single, and it felt like I was too. She managed to get us into a summer college party, and I was two shots into a bad choice when I saw him walk in with his team. He looked like a star.
When his eyes landed on mine, he glared so darkly, I smiled.
He marched through the crowd and drug me outside and into his car. “What the hell are you doing at a party, Jas?”
“What? You’re the only one who gets to have all the fun?” I was barely drunk, but I had a spark of bravery.
He shook his head. “I’m taking you home.”
“And then let me guess, you’re going to practice?”
He stilled, his eyes coming to rest on mine. A spark of hurt entered his gaze. “What do you mean? I thought you understood? I have to practice. It’s mandatory. From now until the season starts. I’m not trying to ditch you. Damn it, Jas. I spend all night and day thinking of you.”
I hated myself in seconds. “Gavin, I’m sorry. I just miss you.”
His eyes softened, but they were still hurt. “You could always come to practice. The other guys’ girlfriends come to practice. I’d love for you to be there. I always play better when you’re watching anyway.”
I bit my lip, the burn of tears in my eyes. “I’ll see if I can work it around my work schedule.”
He smiled a little. “Promise?”
I never broke a promise to him. “Promise.”
“Cool.” He sat back. “How’d you know I’d be here tonight?”
I blushed, feeling stupid for my stunt now, but not bad for it. I’d gotten what I wanted. His attention. “I heard you talking on the phone about it.”
“You eavesdropping now?” He smiled bigger. “How cute.”
I stiffened my chin. “I am not cute.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re like the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Give me your lips.”
“Wait,” I begged, when he came for me. I pulled out a tube of blueberry lip gloss from my purse and put it on. “Okay, you can kiss me.”
He winked, coming for me with hungry, wanting eyes. He kissed me so hard in the front seat, I nearly combusted.
I went to his next practice, dressing in his hoodie. I watched him run drills and send ice into the air when he stopped abruptly; his blade sent a flurry of ice into the air every time. Things between us got better… and harder. I only saw him on the ice. His scholarship didn’t pay for costs of living, so he had to get a job, and combined with hockey, I only saw him twice the rest of the summer.
I made new friends, I tried to occupy my time. When college started, I felt parts of my identity slipping from who I was.
Gavin and I did our best, though. Any free time went to me, and I went to every game and practice I could make between working. Our study dates always turned into naked dates, and our phone calls always ended with our hands in our pants.
But I needed more than practice and study dates. I needed more than sex and aster flowers.
And I felt so consumed by guilt for wanting more from a man who was giving his all for his dream, for us. I decided to try and break out. I went out with my friends, and I did my best to fend off other men. It felt like they were everywhere, but none of them did anything for me. They were boys, Gavin was Superman.
But I felt the tears in his cape, and knew if we ended things he’d be able to fly.
As it was, I was a weight holding him back. He had to know it. He was just too nice to ever say it.
It was a rare night for us. He had two days off from practice, and he’d worked his shift early. I should have been excited to see him.
Instead, I dreaded it.
“What’s up with you?” he asked, staring at me intently from across the table. We were at dinner, and everything tasted like nothing.
“I think we need to talk,” I said.
His eyes immediately filled with panic. “About what?”
It was hard to hold eye contact. “About us.”
“Jas, come on,” he began, but I cut him off.
“I think we’re going in different directions. I don’t want to hold you back anymore, Gavin.” I tried to stop the shaking, the breaking, but my tears ran free anyway. “I think we should take a break.”
He stared at me. His body stilled. Gavin never cried, but I could see a sheen in his eyes.
“Say something,” I begged, his blurry image fading when I blinked the tears from my eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered harshly. “Why are you doing this to me? I’m trying so hard to be what you need. Why would you do this to us?”
I tried to grab for his hand. “I’m doing this for you.”
He snorted. “Yeah right. Are you fucking someone else?” The heartbreak in his eyes would forever alter my heart.
“No! Of course not. You’re working too hard, and go so many places, and I’m just holding you back.”
He shook his head violently. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Jasmeen. There’s nothing to feel bad about. We knew this was going to be hard on us. We. Are. Not. Breaking up. Do you hear me? We’re going to be together forever. I need you. I can’t do this without you.” He pulled something from his pocket and my heart stopped. “I wasn’t ignoring you, baby. I was working all those hours, so I could pay for this.” He opened the ring box and got up, coming around to drop to one knee. Tears gleamed in his fiery eyes. He took my hand. “Jasmeen, you’re all I’ll ever want. You’re my best friend, you’re my support system, you’re my fucking everything. Will you marry me?”
I almost fainted.
I almost ran away.
I almost cried my mascara off.
I almost puked.
But I didn’t almost anything when it came time to say yes. “Yes,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry. I thought—”
“Shh,” he hushed, slipping the ring on my finger. It was the same light purple as the aster flowers. “You’re selfless, that’s all. You’d give us up just to save us.” He pressed a kiss to my lips, our eyes so close I caught fire. “Never give us up.”
Absolutely no one approved of our marriage. My mother and father said it was a bad idea, but they didn’t care enough to be there for me, and I didn’t weigh their words in my decision makings. Gavin was there when they weren’t.
We got married at city hall by ourselves and we spent three entire days together. I tried to trust us, and it worked… at first. We got a small house together. We adjusted to college life and marriage. Every waking minute we had extra was spent with each other. When we were together, everything felt perfect. He soared in hockey, catching the attention of scouts his senior year. It was when we were apart where things started to shift off balance.
The day Gavin got the call that he was being offered a position on the NHL’s team, the Washington Warriors, I should have been elated.
But I felt more dread for that than I did when we started college. I knew how hard it had been for us, and pro hockey would be ten times harder. He traveled nine months out of the year. He was always gone. Practice, press events, photo shoots, interviews—I’d lost Gavin.
When I saw the pictures of him passed out, shirtless, in bed with another woman, I saw my worst nightmare unfold in my head.
My. Heart. Broke. Into a million unrecognizable pieces. I’d never felt anything more horrible than thinking Gavin had cheated on me.
My Superman had fallen from the sky.
And there was no saving us.