Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan (14)

13

Philip sat in his favorite metal folding chair on the dock that stretched out from his waterfront lawn, keeping one watchful eye on the fishing line that went straight into Watson’s Bay and the other eye on the latest issue of Popular Mechanics. His cell phone began to vibrate in the pocket of his cargo pants, disrupting the serenity of his morning. He knew it would be his wife on the line; she was practically the only person who ever called his cell. (Eleanor insisted that he keep the phone on his body at all times, in case she needed him in an emergency, although he doubted he could be of any help since he spent much of the year here in Sydney while she was constantly traveling between Singapore, Hong Kong, Bangkok, Shanghai, and God knows where else.)

He answered the phone and immediately the hysterical torrent from his wife began. “Calm down and speak slower, lah. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, why do you want to jump off a building?” Philip asked in his usual laconic manner.

“I just got the dossier on Rachel Chu from that private investigator in Beverly Hills who Mabel Kwok recommended. Do you want to know what it says.” It wasn’t a question; it sounded like more of a threat.

“Er . . . who is Rachel Chu?” Philip asked.

“Don’t be so senile, lah! Don’t you remember what I told you last week? Your son has been dating some girl in secret for more than a year, and he had the cheek to tell us about it just days before he brings her to Singapore!”

“You hired a private investigator to check up on this girl?”

“Of course I did. We know nothing about this girl, and everyone is already talking about her and Nicky—”

Philip looked down at his fishing pole, which was beginning to vibrate a hair. He knew where this conversation was leading, and he wanted no part in it. “I’m afraid I can’t talk right now, darling, I’m in the middle of something urgent.”

“Stop it, lah! This is urgent! The report is even worse than my worst nightmare! Your stupid cousin Cassandra got it wrong—it turns out the girl is not one of the Chus from that Taipei Plastics family!”

“I always tell you not to believe a word out of Cassandra’s mouth. But what difference does it make?”

“What difference? This girl is being deceitful—she is pretending to be a Chu.”

“Well, if her last name happens to be Chu, how can you accuse her of pretending to be a Chu?” Philip said with a chuckle.

“Aiyah—don’t contradict me! I’ll tell you how she’s being deceitful. At first, the private investigator told me she was ABC, but then after more digging he found out that she’s not even truly American-born Chinese. She was born in Mainland China and went to America when she was six months old.”

“So?”

“Did you hear me? Mainland China!”

Philip was baffled. “Doesn’t everybody’s family ultimately originate from Mainland China? Where would you rather her be from? Iceland?”

“Don’t be funny with me! Her family comes from some ulu ulu village in China that nobody has ever heard of. The investigator thinks that they were most likely working class. In other words, they are PEASANTS!”

“I think if you go back far enough, darling, all our families were peasants. And don’t you know that in ancient China, the peasant class was actually revered? They were the backbone of the economy, and—”

“Stop talking nonsense, lah! You haven’t heard the worst yet—this girl came to America as a baby with her mother. But where’s the father? There’s no record of the father, so they must have divorced. Can you believe it? Alamak, a child from some divorced no-name ulu family! I’m going to tiao lau!”

“What’s wrong with that? There are plenty of people these days who come from broken homes and go on to have happy marriages. Just look at the divorce rate here in Australia.” Philip was trying to reason with his wife.

Eleanor sighed deeply. “These Aussies are all descended from criminals, what do you expect?”

“This is why you’re so popular down here, darling,” Philip joked.

“You are not seeing the big picture. This girl is obviously a cunning, deceitful GOLD DIGGER! You know as well as I do that your son can never marry someone like that. Can you imagine how your family is going to react when he brings this gold digger home?”

“Actually, I couldn’t care less what they think.”

“But don’t you see how this will affect Nicky? And of course your mother is going to blame me for this, lah. I always get blamed for everything. Alamak, surely you know how this will end.”

Philip sighed deeply. This was the reason he spent as much time as he possibly could away from Singapore.

“I’ve already asked Lorena Lim to use all her Beijing contacts to investigate the girl’s family in China. We need to know everything. I don’t want to leave a single stone unturned. We need to be prepared for every possibility,” Eleanor said.

“Don’t you think you’re going a bit overboard?”

“Absolutely not! We must put a stop to all this nonsense before it goes any further. Do you want to know what Daisy Foo thinks?”

“Not really.”

“Daisy thinks that Nicky is going to propose to the girl while they’re in Singapore!”

“If he hasn’t already,” Philip teased.

“Alamak! Do you know something I don’t? Has Nicky told you—”

“No, no, no, don’t panic. Darling, you are letting your silly girlfriends work you up for nothing. You just need to trust our son’s good judgment. I’m sure this girl is going to turn out just fine.” The fish was really tugging at the line now. Maybe it was a barramundi. He could ask his chef to grill it for lunch. Philip just wanted to get off the phone.

That Thursday, at Carol Tai’s Bible study, Eleanor decided that it was time to call in her ground troops. As the ladies sat around enjoying homemade bobo chacha and helping Carol organize her collection of Tahitian black pearls by color grade, Eleanor began her lament as she savored her chilled coconut-and-sago pudding.

“Nicky doesn’t realize what a terrible thing he is doing to us. Now he tells me he’s not even going to stay at our new flat when he arrives. He’s going to stay at Kingsford Hotel with that girl! As if he needs to hide her from us! Alamak, how is this going to look?” Eleanor sighed dramatically.

“So disgraceful! Sharing a hotel room when they aren’t even married! You know, some people might think they eloped and are coming here for their honeymoon!” Nadine Shaw chimed in, though secretly the thought of any potential scandal that might bring those high-and-mighty Youngs down a peg filled her with glee. She continued to fan Eleanor’s flames, not that they needed any further stoking. “How dare this girl think she can just waltz right into Singapore on Nicky’s arm and attend the social event of the year without your approval? She obviously has no clue how things work here.”

“Aiyah, children these days don’t know how to behave,” Daisy Foo said quietly, shaking her head. “My sons are just the same. You’re lucky that Nicky even told you he was bringing someone home. I would never be able to expect that from my boys. I have to find out in the newspapers what they’re doing! What to do, lah? This is what happens when you educate your children overseas. They become too Westernized and aksi borak when they return. Can you imagine—my daughter-in-law Danielle forces me to make an appointment two weeks in advance just to see my grandchildren! She thinks that because she graduated from Amherst she knows better than me how to raise my own grandchildren!”

“Better than you? Everyone knows these ABCs are descended from all the peasants that were too stupid to survive in China!” Nadine cackled.

“Hey, Nadine, don’t underestimate them. These ABC girls can be tzeen lee hai,” Lorena Lim warned. “Now that America is broke, all these ABCs want to come to Asia and sink their claws into our men. They are even worse that the Taiwanese tornadoes because they are Westernized, sophisticated, and worst of all, college educated. Do you remember Mrs. Hsu Tsen Ta’s son? That Ivy League–degreed ex-wife of his purposely introduced him to the girl who would become his mistress, and then used that silly excuse to get a huge divorce settlement. The Hsus had to sell so many properties just to pay her off . So sayang!”

“My Danielle was so kwai kwai at first, so dutiful and modest,” Daisy recalled. “Hiyah—the minute that thirty-carat diamond was on her finger, she transformed into the bloody Queen of Sheba! Nowadays she wears nothing but Prada, Prada, Prada, and have you seen how she makes my son waste money by hiring that whole security team to escort her everywhere she goes, as if she is some big shot? Who wants to kidnap her? My son and my grandchildren are the ones who should have the bodyguards, not this girl with the flat nose! Suey doh say!”

“I don’t know what I would do if my son brought home a girl like that.” Eleanor moaned and put on her saddest expression.

“Come, come, Lealea, have some more bobo chacha,” Carol said, trying to soothe her friend as she ladled more of the fragrant dessert into Eleanor’s bowl. “Nicky is a good boy. You should thank the Lord that he isn’t like my Bernard. I gave up trying to get Bernard to listen to me long ago. His father lets him get away with everything. What to do? His father just pays and pays, while I just pray and pray. The Bible tells us we must accept what we cannot change.”

Lorena looked at Eleanor, wondering whether this was the right time to drop her bombshell. She decided to go for it. “Eleanor, you asked me to do a little investigating for you about this Chu girl’s family in China, and I don’t want you to get too excited, but I’ve just received the most intriguing tidbit.”

“So fast? What did you find out?” Eleanor perked up.

“Well, there’s a fellow who claims to have ‘very valuable’ info on Rachel,” Lorena continued.

“Alamak, what, what?” Eleanor asked, getting alarmed.

“I don’t know exactly, but it comes from a source in Shenzhen,” Lorena said.

“Shenzhen? Did they say what kind of information?”

“Well, they just said it was ‘very valuable,’ and they won’t talk over the phone. They will only give you the information in person, and it’s going to cost you.”

“How did you find these people?” Eleanor asked excitedly.

“Wah ooh kang tao, mah,” Lorena said mysteriously. “I think you should go to Shenzhen next week.”

“That won’t be possible. Nicky and that girl will be here,” Eleanor replied.

“Elle, I think you should go precisely when Nicky and that girl arrive,” Daisy suggested. “Think about it—they are not even staying with you, so you have the perfect excuse not to be here. And if you are not here, you have all the advantage. You will show everyone that you are NOT rolling out the red carpet for this girl, and you won’t lose face if she turns out to be a total nightmare.”

“Plus you’ll have gained some vital new information,” Nadine added. “Maybe she’s already married. Maybe she already has a child. Maybe she’s running some huge scam and—”

“Aiyah, I need a Xanax,” Eleanor cried, reaching into her purse.

“Lorena, stop scaring Lealea!” Carol interjected. “We don’t know this girl’s story, maybe it’s nothing at all. Maybe God will bless Eleanor with a dutiful God-fearing daughter-in-law. ‘Judge not lest ye be judged.’ Matthew 7:1.”

Eleanor considered everything that her friends had to say. “Daisy, you’re always so smart. Lorena, can I stay at your beautiful flat in Shenzhen?”

“Of course. I was going to come with you. Also, I’ve been dying to go on another shopping marathon in Shenzhen.”

“Who else wants to come to Shenzhen this weekend? Carol, are you in?” Eleanor asked, hoping that Carol could be roped in and they would get to use her plane.

Carol leaned over from her bed and said, “I’ll check, but I think we can take the plane if we leave before the weekend. I know my husband has to fly to Beijing to take over some Internet company called Ali Baibai earlier in the week. And Bernard’s using the plane for Colin Khoo’s bachelor party on Saturday.”

“Let’s all go to Shenzhen for a ladies’ spa weekend!” Nadine declared. “I want to go to that place where they soak your feet in those wooden buckets and then massage them for an hour.”

Eleanor was beginning to get excited. “This is a good plan. Let’s go shop till we drop in Shenzhen. We’ll let Nicky and this girl manage on their own, and then I will return with my valuable information.”

“Your valuable ammunition,” Lorena corrected.

“Haha, that’s right,” Nadine cheered, digging into her handbag and beginning to text her stockbroker covertly. “Now Carol, what was the name of that Internet company the dato’ is planning to take over?”