Chapter Eighteen

Grace

The second I got into the taxi and it started to pull away, the kind old driver wiped his face with a handkerchief and began to chatter like there was no tomorrow.

“Damn, that was the craziest thing I ever saw! I thought for sure we were goners. What the . . . wow. If you’d gone in there only a second earlier . . .”

I let him go on and on, thinking about the roar of the bomb, the way it’d felt like someone had pulled the ground out from under me, the white-hot bolt of fear that had shot through me like a bullet before I hit the ground, the half-formed, frantic thoughts of protecting Ella that had blazed through my mind, blotting out everything else.

Cullen had to have had those thoughts, too. Of protecting us. I could still feel his strong arms around me as he wrapped us up tight, taking the brunt of the damage.

The way he’d looked at me, like I was something precious . . . no, like I was the most precious thing he’d ever had . . . would’ve taken my breath away if I wasn’t already gasping from the force of the impact.

I knew he cared. He maybe even loved us.

But I also knew it wasn’t enough.

Watching him talk to the Cobras, I could see how they needed him. I could see that they all respected him and fell in line to listen to him. He was good at what he did, and I understood why he felt the need to do it.

But his life as part of the Cobras wasn’t what I’d thought. It was so much worse.

I could live with him being in a club. I could maybe even live with him thinking that those men were more important than Ella and me. I loved him enough that I probably could put up with that. But that was the least of it. Our house being shot at? Bombs going off? Living in a war zone? Never knowing if he would come home to me alive?

No. I didn’t know if I could live like that, much less put Ella in a war zone. And honestly, I didn’t want to find out.

I’d always promised myself that I’d never let Ella see me cry, or yell, or do anything that could scare her. But I couldn’t help it. She was nodding off against my shoulder, anyway. I drew her baby soft curls to my head and began to sob quietly.

“Hey,” the kindly driver said to me as we drove away from the harbor. “It’s all right. You’re safe.”

For now. But how much longer? I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry. I’m just really shaken up.”

“Yeah. It was something. Is he your boyfriend?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No. A . . . friend, I guess.”

He nodded. “He’s a tough motorcycle guy, huh? Looked a little like a thug. Not someone for a nice girl like you. Was the bomb meant for him and his crew?”

I shrugged, even though I knew the answer.

“He’s up to no good, huh? I don’t know. I know I’m not your dad, but my gut says to stay away from that kind of thing. Bad kid.”

I pressed my lips together. Yeah. My gut was saying the same thing.

I still loved him. But I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t live like this.

I had to leave and take Ella far away from him, and I couldn’t wait. If I did, Cullen would convince me to stay. I had absolutely no willpower where he was concerned. He probably wouldn’t be home until much later, now that he had so much to take care of. If I was going to leave, I’d have to do it while he was away. The thought sent a pang of sadness and a surge of panic through me.

Just more moving, never setting down roots. The story of my life.

The rain had stopped by the time we got to the house. I pulled Ella’s sleeping body to my chest, handing the rest of my money to the driver. Then I took a deep breath.

“Do you think you could wait here? And take me someplace else?”

“Of course. Where is this someplace else, dear?”

Someplace else. I hadn’t even thought about where I could go. All my life, I’d never left the bay, and the thought of stepping outside the boundaries of the place I’d always lived filled me with dread. There was a whole wide world out there, which I knew nothing about. I didn’t even know where to start.

But when he asked, it came to me right away. A place where I could easily disappear.

“Los Angeles,” I said, fear skittering through my body.

“Los Angeles?” He let out a whoop. “Girl, it’s nearly eight-thirty. We won’t get there until after midnight. You sure? That baby of yours sure looks sleepy.”

I looked at her. Yes, I could stay for her, but that would only help her for the short term. I needed to leave for her future. “Yes. I’m sure.”

I slipped out of the cab, slammed the door, and hurried toward the house, where I disarmed the security system and quickly slipped inside. I laid Ella down in her bed, went to the bathroom and looked at myself long and hard in the mirror.

My face was covered with dust and ash from the explosion, my eye make-up streaked down on my cheeks. I scrubbed my face in the sink, then slipped off the little black dress and put on a pair of cut-offs, a camisole, and flip-flops.

Then I found my suitcase and started to load it up with as much clothing as it would hold for Ella and me. When it was so stuffed I had to sit on it to close and zip it up, I opened Cullen’s armoire and pulled out another thousand dollars. He’d mind that I was gone again, sure, but he wouldn’t care about the money. Knowing him, he wouldn’t even notice it was gone.

As I went through the house, I found myself weakening as I looked at all the unopened toys and kid things he’d bought. Just when this house was starting to look like a home. My eyes caught on the giant teddy bear that Ella had fallen in love with. We’d have to leave it all behind.

This was all so close to the dream. It even looked like the dream.

But it was all an illusion.

I finished packing the suitcase, then wheeled it outside. The cab driver put it in the trunk for me. Then I went back to get Ella. She was sound asleep in her toddler bed, with the soft elephant sheets and new pink blanket. She looked so cozy.

I stifled a sob as I lifted her out. It was getting late, and we had to make it to L.A.