Chapter Nine

As far as school that day went, Jeff might as well have not been there at all. He basically queued up a bunch of informational videos on the internet while he attempted to look busy by playing minesweeper on his computer and vigorously squeezing one of his stress balls. He asked the kids to write a two-paragraph response essay by the end of the period just in case the superintendent or someone decided to drop by, but he knew he wasn’t actually going to grade them. He’d just give everyone who actually did it participation points.

During his free period, he drove to the nearest burger chain and pigged out by himself in a corner booth for nearly the entire hour. The calories certainly improved his hunger and scattered thoughts, but they didn’t improve his outlook on his current situation. He felt like his shame and embarrassment were leaking out of every pore. He also felt paranoid, as if everyone else could see his internal struggle reflected on his face.

Nevertheless, life went on. If there was anything that his religious and extremely homophobic upbringing had taught him, it was that. No matter how badly you wanted to sit in your room and cry, life continued moving all around you, and you had to hang on to it for dear life or else you would get buried under shirked responsibilities.

So, Jeff bravely powered through the rest of the day, and even worked up the energy to bring up a few discussion topics with his last couple of classes. He passed his colleagues in the hallway and said hello. He even revised some of his slides for Monday’s lecture. Before he knew it, classes were over and it was time for rehearsal.

He was really not looking forward to it.

How was he supposed to just act like nothing had happened when Cam was standing there right in front of him with big trusting eyes and a face much like his father’s, asking for direction? Nope. He couldn’t. Not yet. Life went on, sure, but that saying never mentioned anything about play rehearsals. He was pretty sure those could go on without him, at least for the day.

He waited as long as he possibly could to head over to the drama room and once there, he made a beeline for Enrique, careful not to look at anyone else. Enrique had a bright smile on his face that seemed to fade from existence the second he caught a look of Jeff’s face.

“Everything okay, Mr. M?” he asked.

Jeff beckoned him closer with a crook of his finger.

“I need you to lead rehearsals today,” he whispered into Enrique’s ear.

The young man stiffened momentarily, and then stepped back. His face was now all business. This was why Enrique was so perfect for this job. He could adapt to anything in an instant. Still, Jeff felt a little bit bad about ruining his good mood.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Try and get through the first act’s blocking. Backstagers can work on painting the bricks or helping the actors with their lines. Just make sure nobody touches any power tools or tries to lift anything heavy while I’m gone. If anyone asks, I’m in a meeting, okay?”

Enrique nodded, and Jeff quickly hightailed it out of there. He couldn’t actually leave campus while kids under his care were still in the building, but he could hide out in the empty teachers’ lounge and pray that nobody came in and asked him what he was doing there.

So that’s what he did. Exactly one hour and about six mindless app games later, Jeff returned to the auditorium, happy to find it was still in one piece, and told the kids that they were dismissed. It felt like it took them all an eternity to gather their belongings and file out, but they did, eventually. Danielle, predictably, was the slowest. She was trying her best to figure out what was wrong with him, and while he appreciated her concern, he was really not in the fucking mood. The second he was sure everyone was gone, he locked up the auditorium behind him and speed-walked to his truck.

He barely even remembered the drive home. It was like he blinked his eyes and suddenly transported from one parking lot to the other. He guessed that the drive was so familiar to him that he’d just done it on autopilot. Probably not the safest thing in the whole world, but hey, at least he’d made it home in one piece.

He took his keys out of the ignition and walked up the stairs to his apartment. It felt like he was taking a reverse walk of shame. The door creaked open and Jeff found the space just as he and Luke had left it. Complete with his belt on the living room floor and his sweater vest hanging over the back of the couch. Jeff loosened his tie with a sigh. Rather than sitting down on the couch or in his bed, both of which he couldn’t think of without picturing Luke right beside him, he opted for sitting at his tiny kitchen table.

He stared at the small faintly ticking clock on the wall—it was a Manny purchase that Manny had never returned to claim—and slid his head into his hands. He felt crazy. All of this was worse in a way than his and Manny’s breakup, which was ridiculous. He’d been in love with Manny for years. He’d known Luke Davis for less than a month. They’d really only spoken at length two different times. Why was he so broken up over this?

Jeff dug his freshly charged phone out of his pocket and stared down at his contacts. Before he knew it, he was calling his sister.

“State your name and business,” Katherine answered on the third ring.

Jeff mentally rolled his eyes.

“Very funny Kat, you got a minute?”

“No,” she answered honestly. “But for my one and only baby brother? I’ll make time. What’s up?”

Jeff sucked in enough oxygen to make a lesser man dizzy.

“It’s...It’s really stupid. You probably don’t want to hear about it.”

There was a moment of silence on the line and then the muffled sound of shuffling papers followed by the telltale click that meant she had just taken him off speakerphone.

“Is it about a boy?” she asked.

“I mean, yeah,” Jeff answered hesitantly.

Part of him was annoyed that she could read him so well, but she was a defense attorney after all. Reading people was literally part of her job.

“Ooh. Finally getting back on the wagon? This I definitely want to hear about.”

Jeff went red all the way from his head to his toes. This was why he didn’t usually talk in length about his relationships with Katherine. She was amazing, pretty much the only family he had left that hadn’t disowned him, but she was also nosy and desperate to pry out every last excruciating detail. But still, Jeff felt like there was no one else he could talk about this particular situation with. There was no one else whose opinion mattered more to him, and more importantly, Kat was one of the few people whom he knew he could unconditionally trust with all his secrets.

“Okay,” he said finally. “So, I slept with one of my drama kid’s dads.”

“Oh God. I’m so glad you added the word dads to the end of that sentence.”

Jeff’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull.

“Eww. Katherine! Who the actual fuck do you take me for?”

“Sorry,” Katherine said. “I defend lots of creeps. It’s made me expect the worst in people. Please continue.”

“That’s it. I had sex with a student’s dad. End of story.”

“What do you mean that’s the end of the story?!” Jeff could picture her outraged expression perfectly. The same look she used to give their parents anytime they’d refused to reason with her rock-solid adolescent logic. “Don’t get me wrong, because I appreciate the efforts to keep me informed,” she continued. “But why do you suddenly feel the need to clue me in on your sexual exploits?”

“Because this one poses a moral dilemma,” Jeff said flatly.

“Why?” Katherine asked. “What’s wrong with the guy? Is he married?”

“He’s my student’s father, Kat. Isn’t that super weird and invasive?”

“Not really? At least, I don’t think so. Kids have their teachers as stepparents all the time. Is the guy hot at least?”

“Well yeah, but that’s not the point. Come on, Kat. Please take this seriously.”

There was a short pause, punctuated by light tapping on a keyboard.

“I am taking it seriously, but I’m still not really seeing the problem here Jeffy. Also, you never answered my first question.”

Jeff pinched the bridge of his nose. He was starting to get frustrated.

“No. He’s not currently married, but his wife died two years ago and he hasn’t dated anyone since then and I have no idea if his son, my student, has any idea that his dad is into dudes. And to make things worse, I tutor his kid in their house for hours every single weekend.”

There was a much longer silence this time. Jeff was fighting to get his breathing back down to a manageable level.

“I can see where all that would be awkward and uncomfortable,” Katherine began. She was speaking slowly and calmly, the way she always did when anyone started acting irrationally around her. “But Jeff, you’re two consenting adults. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why do I still feel so bad about it?”

“Were you drunk?” Katherine asked. Jeff could practically see her raised, questioning eyebrow.

“No, we just had a few drinks together,” he responded, sort of taken aback by Kat’s “were you drunk” question.

“Well…” she told him, “you should go talk to the guy. See where he’s at. I’m assuming you’re half in love with him already.”

“I am not,” Jeff lied. He wanted to bang his head against the table. “And I am not talking to him about it. I’m never going to talk to him about anything ever again if I can help it.”

“That seems a little bit extreme. Try taking it one day at a time, okay?”

Jeff sighed.

“I’ll do my best.”

They got to talking a little bit about her own personal life, which was virtually non-existent, and then how the play was going. Jeff didn’t even bother mentioning that his male lead was the kid whose parent he’d fucked. He was done talking about it for now. He had expected Katherine to be as appalled by his behavior as he was. The fact that she wasn’t should have been a relief, but in all honesty, it was just making him feel even more alone and frustrated. They talked for maybe a total of twenty minutes before Katherine swore, apologized profusely, and then mentioned that she really needed to get back to work. The familiarity of it all made Jeff smile just a little bit.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later,” he said.

“Good luck,” she said. “Or break a leg or whatever you theater types prefer.”

She hung up before Jeff could formulate a snappy response. Jeff slid the phone across the table and rested his head in his arms. A few minutes later he reconsidered and snatched the device back up. Although he hadn’t exactly gotten the answers he wanted out of his conversation with his sister, he had been somewhat inspired by her glamorously busy New York City lifestyle. Tonight, he was ordering pizza, watching reality TV and going to bed early.