While holding the mop in my hands, I dipped the head into the bucket and squeezed any excess filth that was left into my reflection below. I could hear Theo behind me, stopping to fiddle inside of the refrigerator. When I turned around, he was holding a glass of dark beer, already foaming toward the top of the bottles. He pushed it into my chest.

“Take a break and drink with me for a second. This is a special batch, and it’s your last day to enjoy it,” Theo said. On his upper lip was a sliver of amber foam. He licked it off and smiled.

I felt my body pause. There was still a big part of me that felt guilty for taking off like this. Leaving my city wasn’t something I thought through. It meant splitting apart from the people I had grown to love and trust. It meant going back to people who were less open-minded. Worst of all, it meant giving up on Marcus, the man I had fallen for so long ago.

But that was over. Marcus didn’t share the same adoration as did for me. He was just another guy who wanted to share in some heavy-petting, and I was stupid enough to indulge him. I was tired of that game, so maybe leaving the city would turn into a good thing. That was the hope, anyway.

Turning around, I took the cold brew in my hands and blew the foam into the dark liquid resting inside of the bucket. I took a long sip and enjoyed the hoppy flavor coursing against the back of my throat. I sighed and leaned against the bar. I was going to miss this place.

“I hate to admit it, but I’m a little depressed. I never thought I’d quit working here,” I said.

“We all know that’s bullshit,” Theo said.

I shook my head. “No, I’m serious. As much as I complained about living in the city, I never thought I’d actually leave.”

Theo took another sip and burped loudly. “You have to be crazy to live in New York City your whole life,” he said, chuckling.

“Hey, you’ve lived here your entire life. You turned out just fine,” I said.

“Yeah, maybe. Stage one cancer ain’t that bad, I guess. It’s better than stage two, right?” Theo took a sip of his beer and laughed again, but there was sadness in his eyes. He shouldn’t have been drinking, but if there was one thing he wouldn’t give up, it was an ice-cold beer at the end of the shift.

“You’re the strongest son of a bitch I know, Theo. You’ll beat this thing,” I said.

“Maybe. The technology is there. Then again, you never know,” he said. “I’m trying not to think about it too much.”

I hated when he made me worry. It drove me crazy. As soon as he told me the news, I felt paralyzed. I didn’t have too many people I was close to, and even though he was my boss, he was closer to me than anyone else.

A smile formed on his face. Even when things got tough, Theo knew how to smile through the hard times. At forty-five years of age, Theo had seen a lot of shit happen in these neighborhoods. He wasn’t backing down anytime soon.

When I moved to the heart of Brooklyn, I wandered into his bar, the Sixty-Six, and ordered a drink. After I came in enough times, Theo saw me as a regular, as a friend. Within a month, he welcomed me on the team.

For a while, the Sixty-Six Bar was the only decent place to get a drink and flirt with a couple of cute guys. But New York changed faster than I could blink. Every single day, on every single corner, there was something new. Theo’s old bar was starting to fade into the background, and he wanted a co-owner to help him spice the place up.

“You trying to guilt me for leaving again?” I asked.

“Nah. It’s all for the better, kid. This place needed to close down, regardless,” he said.

“It’s not closing down. You’ll find someone to help you out with things,” I said.

But I knew Theo was at his wits end with everything. The city permits, the skyrocketing rent prices, and the new alcohol license rules were the least of his worries. He couldn’t deal with any of the bullshit anymore.

“I can barely afford to pay for the wholesale, let alone the rent. Did I tell you they raised the price by four hundred?” he asked.

“You remind me every day, Theo,” I said.

“Fucking whole city is a disaster now.” Shaking his head, he stared through the window at the construction across the street. Yes, things had changed, but it wasn’t anything new. Eventually, he’d figure everything out.

Working at the Sixty-Six as a bartender was the only job I ever enjoyed doing. I could do whatever I want, flirt with whatever guy I wanted to, and Theo would never say a word about it. In a way, he was like the father I never had.

After a few years of working here, I thought I might open a bar up on my own. When I told Theo about my plans, he offered me a partnership with the Sixty-Six. That’s when everything spiraled out of control.

My mother started calling me again. First, it was about the house. The structure was falling apart. It needed a heavy duty cleaning, as well as some light construction, but that would cost a pretty penny, she said. I knew where that money would end up, so I tried to block it out of my mind.

After I made sure she knew I didn’t have any money for her, she started calling me about my little brother. Then, my father went missing for the third time this year. It was possible he was on another one of his benders, or maybe he played one too many card games in Atlantic City. Who could know?

But I wasn’t worried about my dad. He knew how to play the game well enough to survive. No, I was worried about my little brother, Matthew. He wasn’t as aware as them, but he was on the path toward self-destruction.

My mother needed a way to get me back home, and she knew I’d do anything for him. All my mom had to do was say those magic words. “Your brother is dropping out of high school. I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.”

Of course, when I asked her why she didn’t step in to stop him, she gave me the usual run around. My brother wasn’t the same good kid he used to be, she said.

My mother wasn’t a person who took responsibility for her words or her actions. She was in her own fantasy world, hopped up on all sorts of medications.

When the accident happened, both of my parents fell into a trap. Visit after visit, the doctor gave them their pills. When I realized they didn’t give two shits about me, I did what I had to do. I left for the city.

My brother never had a chance.

“I’m sorry, Theo. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now,” I said.

“Are you still dealing with Marcus?” Theo asked.

I let out a short and hesitant laugh, accidentally snorting way too loud. Groaning, I closed my eyes. “Oh, Marcus. No, not really. I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks.”

Theo finished his beer and tossed the bottle into the crate. “What happened with him, anyway? I used to like seeing him come in here. There aren’t too many openly gay cops in the city who support us, believe it or not.”

“I believe it, but he’s not as open as you think,” I said.

“In the closet?” Theo asked.

“Not exactly. Ever heard of the term fuck-boy? The term fits him well,” I said.

I felt my phone vibrate for the fourth time that day. No doubt it was Marcus texting me to say how much he missed me, how he just wanted to run away with me, if he only could. The night would probably end with a dick pic, and a handful of bullshit promises. Great. But I had too much self-respect to continue feeding into it.

The problem with me was that I wanted more with someone. That deep connection—the feeling you get when you just know that other person will be on your side forever was the only storybook fantasy I subscribed to. But this was a city that could turn a man’s storybook dreams into nightmares.

This was a city for fucking. But love? Love felt about as manufactured as Wallstreet.

“Whoa, there.” Theo put his hands in front of him, laughing. “Sounds like you two have some unfinished business.”

I shrugged. Marcus had texted me a few times last week, but it was nothing worth replying to. I asked him out over ten times. I was done playing games. If he wanted me, he’d have to be okay with his work buddies finding out about us.

“I’m sure our business is finished,” I said.

“It doesn’t hurt to have an open mind. People can change,” he said.

I wasn’t sure that Marcus would be the one to change. After we fucked for the first time, everything took a turn upside down. He stopped calling, and I was made to look like an obsessed fool.

Of course, a week later, he was doing everything I wanted a guy to do, except one thing. He wouldn’t admit that he wanted to be with me.

He didn’t quit. In the middle of the night, I’d lay in bed, listening to the sound of my phone’s jarring vibrations. I never knew a man could sext that much, but Marcus liked to bottle up his lust until it exploded. In the end, he couldn’t commit to something real.

It didn’t take much for me to decide to leave Marcus and this crappy city behind. “I should go, Theo. I have a lot of packing to do. I planned to leave pretty early tomorrow morning,” I said.

Theo put his arms out and hugged me. “I’m going to miss you, kid. You’ll call?”

“Of course, I will, Theo. It’s just a few hours away. Maybe my brother and I can come hangout in the city. I think he’d really enjoy that,” I said.

“My doors are open anytime,” he said.

I tried my hardest not to shed any tears. This wasn’t goodbye forever. This was just a momentary thing. Once my brother turned eighteen, everything would change for the better. Hell, maybe we could find an apartment together. It would be nice to bond with him again.

“Love you Theo,” I said.

“Love you too, kid.”

Later, in my room, I held a set of ropes in my hands, twisting them together until they were perfectly molded, similar to the shape of a double helix. “There we go,” I whispered, standing up.

I threaded the bottom of the rope around my thighs, working the knot around my pelvis. Within a minute, my phone started to ring, snapping me out of my trance. When the ropes slipped out of my hand, I winced.

“Dammit,” I whispered.

I checked my phone, though I knew who it was. My mom was calling me again to complain about her day. I turned the phone off and went back to practicing my technique.

Focus. All you have to do is breathe and let the ropes take you.

Once again, I threaded the ropes around my hips, making sure they adequately fastened around my pelvis tight enough. When they held, I hooked the ropes in between my ass, pushing them under and knotting them around my waist at the back end.

Learning the technique had become a meditative process for me. Whenever I had something on my mind, I’d sit and let the ropes give me some answers. They were able to teach lessons to the submissive, but they were more than an exercise on sexual humility.

When I got the technique right, I found myself suspended from my ceiling ring, bound in heavy rope, masturbating with my free hand and trying my hardest not to think about him, Marcus, the dick that threw my heart on the New York asphalt.

None of this was effortless. It required some prior work with technique, but once I got it right, it felt like heaven. I slowly rolled the lube over my cock, loosely gripping my shaft and closing my eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I instantly remembered his lips—God, those lips felt so much better than the palm of my hand.

And there was the way he looked at me as I gave myself to him. The shocked expression as I drove my cock into his meaty hole was almost too much too handle. Yes, he knew all the right things to say, the right amount of whimper to give, and the right amount of smile to get me to spill my seed.

But he was only a memory. Nothing more.

As time passed, I let go and took a few deep breaths. Now wasn’t the time to allow myself to blow. The constriction and constant edging sent me to new heights of understanding and pleasure, and that was enough for the present time. When I was ready to come down, I used my free hand to begin the slow process of unraveling.

I became fascinated with Shibari rope bondage when I realized how much it could connect with my life. There are so many areas of the body that hold stress and pain. When I bound someone, I could see the other side of someone. Learning the technique helped me to know where my soft spots were.

When I let myself down from the ceiling ring, the ropes fell to the floor in a small pile. Sitting against my bed, I sighed and ran my fingers across the marks on my skin, now indented all over my body. The realization that I got from my exercise was simple: I was alone here, but things were going to change.

I wasn’t going to let myself wallow in the emotional and physical regret I usually felt. No, I was going to leave the city and all of its cruelty with my head held high in the air.

I threw the rest of my clothes in my bag and left for home, never turning back. I could feel it in the air. Change.

* * *

Look, ma. I’m on the way, but I need you to calm down and tell me everything that happened,” I said.

My mother’s slow drawl hung against the receiver. Pills again, I thought. She’d probably been drinking too. “Oh, Sawyer. You know how it is. Your brother has got me bending over backwards for him. He’s missing again.”

“You’re dropping this on me now? Have you called his friends?” I asked.

I could already sense my mother’s discomfort slowly pulling me into that dark vacuum of a place where I wasn’t allowed to feel. I grew up in that place, and it’s one of many reasons why I left.

“Goddammit, Sawyer. I’m having a hard time, okay?”

“Fuck.” I scowled and looked in the rearview mirror. A cop was tailing me like a shark in the deep end of the ocean. Within a few seconds, his bright lights started flashing.

The cold sensation of shock startled me, but I tried to remain as calm as I could. I quickly put on my blinker and pulled off to the side of the road, carefully.

“Ma, I’m getting pulled over,” I said.

“Well, it’s not my fault,” she said.

“Just hold tight. I’ll be there in an hour.”

Placing the old, beat up car in park, I closed my eyes and held my breath, trying my best to pinpoint where things went wrong. New York City, maybe. The city always felt like the source of all my troubles. Rent was too high. Friends came and went on a regular basis. Weird enough, it was hard to find a real man who wanted something long term.

There was also Marcus. Sweet Marcus, the omega cop of my fucking dreams. Well, that was over now. We had a great time that ended in a not so great way. Any thoughts I had of dating him had ceased to exist. Plus, he wasn’t fully “out,” and that did seem like a hassle I wouldn’t be able to deal with at this junction of my life.

Opening my eyes again, I saw the husky cop walk toward my window. There was no question if I was speeding or not. Maybe I could sweet talk my way out of this, but I hadn’t had much luck with the police lately. I rolled the dirty glass down and gave my best smile.

“I’m so sorry, officer. I saw the speed gauge right when you pulled behind me,” I said.

He leaned down in the window and the first thing I noticed was his stringent breath. “Too busy messing with your phone?” he asked.

I coughed awkwardly and tried to diffuse the situation. “My mother called to tell me that my brother is missing. The news startled me. It won’t happen again,” I said.

The officer wasn’t amused, and when he took a step back, I knew I was in trouble. “Step out of the car with your license and registration please.” Oh, fuck me.

“Yes, sir,” I said, carefully opening the car door.

I noticed that I was about a foot taller than the guy. I stepped back, trying my best not to overshadow him. I knew how cops got when their egos felt bruised, and I wanted to stay away from any trouble.

“Do you know how fast you were going?” Looking down at his badge, I saw his name, officer Fulton.

“Ninety-five,” I admitted. I hated saying it aloud because I knew that was a criminal speeding ticket, at the least. And with little money to my name, I really couldn’t afford to pay the ticket.

Carefully eyeing my identification, officer Fulton nodded his head. “So, you live in the city?”

“I just left the city. For good, this time. Hopefully,” I stuttered.

“Got out at the right time, if you ask me,” Fulton said. I didn’t ask him, but I figured that engaging in some small talk could help my case.

“I’m headed back to the suburbs to help my parents out with my little brother,” I said.

I tried forcing a smile, but I felt like a failure. Eight years in the city seemed like no time at all, but I had already given up. I couldn’t keep up the job, and the rent on my flat seemed to go up every six months. Nowadays, everyone was leaving. It didn’t make me feel any better.

“And he’s missing?” Fulton asked. I nodded, but I held back the rest of the story. My parents were a hellstorm in a hand basket. They couldn’t take care of him anymore. That’s why I was going back.

“Not missing,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m going back to find him. My mom is a little overwhelmed right now. I feel like I need to be there for a while,” I said.

“Just hold tight and step back into the vehicle. I’m going to need to write a citation,” he said.

I felt my heart drop into the cold asphalt of the street below me. As the cars whizzed by us, I held my breath and patiently nodded my head. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Waiting, I hung my head in silence. Well, shit, I thought. This is growing up. Losing over and over until you get it right. But I was getting older, and I hadn’t found a way to win. Not yet.

“Son, open your eyes.” I opened my eyes to a thin sheet of paper. “I just got a call that’s more important than this. Today’s your lucky day.”

A warning. A beautiful warning!

“I can’t express how much this means to me,” I said.

The officer held up his hand and looked back at his car in a hurry. “I never forget a face. If you do it again, I’ll write you up for the broken taillight too,” he said.

A sigh of relief fell from my mouth. Lucky for him, I wouldn’t be driving too much in this area anymore. Taking in what had just happened, I put the car in drive and sped to my parents’ home.

But when I rolled into the cobblestone driveway, I felt even worse than I did when I was pulled over. Knocking on the front door, I waited until I realized that no one was coming to answer the door. I walked to the side of the house, climbed in through the living room window, and saw the disaster that my little brother had to endure.

“Fucking hell,” I whispered.

The ashtrays were full of old cigarette butts and smoky grounds. Half-eaten plates of chicken and mashed potatoes sat, days old, on the kitchen table. Multiple prescription pill bottles were scattered and empty on the floor. Asleep on the couch was my mother, but there was no sign of my dad or my brother.

“Mom.” I shook her shoulder, and suddenly everything came rushing back to me.

The day I left, I couldn’t take this house any longer. The deterioration of my beautiful parents and our wonderful life sent me running toward the beating, chaotic heart of the city. But my brother was only nine years old then, and I left him to fend for himself.

“Mom, wake up,” I said, louder. She didn’t budge.

Now, at seventeen, my brother knew a thing or two about the world. Maybe, he focused on the wrong things, but he could judge and act on his own accord. He was with friends, probably down by the old creek, right where the bridge crossed overhead. Right where it all happened…

I had to issue one last call before I left the house in search of my brother. “Dad? Is anyone going to answer me?” Nothing.

Running into the garage, I grabbed my bike and opened the large bay doors. My father’s old BMW convertible sat under that grey curtain, still and lifeless. Everything in this town was so perfect on the outside, but underneath the polished surface was a thick layer of rust.

Sitting my ass down on my old bike seat, I started to peddle toward the creek. Within ten minutes, I arrived. Sure enough, my brother, Mathew was standing with a cigarette in his mouth, throwing rocks with the other boys from his high school. I recognized their faces, and I didn’t like what I saw.

Calmly walking down the small hill, I made my way toward them. As soon as the group made eye contact with me, they threw their cigarettes into the creek, and whatever beer had been present was now shrouded by their backpacks.

Matthew walked forward, nodding his head at me in acknowledgment. So much had changed between us, so much that I wish I could take back. There was resentment in his eyes, but behind that malice was pain.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

Glancing at the other kids, I tried to answer him without making him feel too embarrassed. “Ma called. She’s worried sick,” I said.

“Yeah?” Bubbling laughter came from the bottom of his throat. “When is that bitch not worried sick?”

When I heard him talk like that, I flinched. Reaching into his pocket, Matthew pulled out a cigarette. In the act of defiance, he lit the end and blew out a big plume of smoke.

“Like her or not, she’s our mother,” I said.

He wasn’t listening, but I hadn’t expected him to. Kids his age never listened. They were always looking for new avenues of exploration. The problem was that all the paths given to my brother were paved in shit.

“I’ll tell you when she’s not worried. When she’s all looped up. Remember, Sawyer? She gets funny sometimes, right?” More laughter came from my brother’s mouth, but I could see the tears behind those eyes start to form. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

“Okay, all of you have to go.” I grabbed a backpack and held it in the air. One of the kids took it and walked off. The rest soon followed, despite the gleeful protests from my brother.

When they left, I could finally meet him, man to man. “Mathew, what are you doing? Are you trying to hurt yourself?”

As Matthew took another drag from his cigarette, he smiled and winked. He knew what buttons to press to get me to cave and turn angry. I pulled the Marlboro from his fingers and clenched the burning embers inside my palm, staring into his cold eyes.

Mathew was skilled at holding back the tears. “Now that you’re back, I want you to remember one thing,” he said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

Matthew shoulder-checked me and grabbed his bike. “You’re not my fucking father. You never will be.”

I was stunned, but I ran after him. “Somebody has to raise you, Matthew.”

My brother stopped and turned around. A curious smile held his body in a pause. “That somebody is you? Give me a break, loser. I know what you do in the city for fun. We all know. You and your ropes. I’m ashamed of you, Sawyer.”

The pounding of my heart pulsed toward the top of my throat, bringing forth a rising, tumultuous sea of emotions to the surface. Stunned, I watched my little brother ride off into the distance, on the path headed toward home.

I stared after him, waiting for the inevitable silence to sit in. “Welcome home, Sawyer,” I whispered to myself.