WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2011
I put my head in my hands and rub my face. I can’t believe I asked Ana to marry me. And she didn’t say no. But she didn’t say yes, either. She may never say yes.
In the morning, she’ll wake and come to her senses.
The day started so well. But it’s been a train wreck since this evening, since Leila.
Well, at least she’s safe and getting the help she needs.
But at what cost? Ana?
She now knows everything.
She knows I’m a monster.
But she’s still here.
Focus on the positive, Grey.
My appetite has gone the same way as Ana’s, and I’m exhausted. It’s been an emotional evening. I get up from the kitchen counter. I’ve experienced more in the last half hour than I would have thought possible.
This is what she does to you, Grey. She makes you feel.
You know you’re alive when you’re with her.
I can’t lose her. I’ve only just found her.
Confused and overwhelmed, I deposit my plate in the sink and head to my bedroom.
It will be our bedroom if she says yes.
Outside the bathroom, I hear a stifled noise. She’s weeping. I open the door and she’s on the floor, curled up in the fetal position, wearing one of my T-shirts and sobbing. The sight of her in such despair is like a swift kick to my gut that leaves me breathless. It’s intolerable.
I crawl onto the floor. “Hey,” I murmur, as I pull her into my lap. “Please don’t cry, Ana, please.” She snakes her arms around me and clings to me, but her crying shows no sign of abating.
Oh, baby.
Gently I stroke her back, thinking about how much more her tears affect me than Leila’s did.
Because I love her.
She’s brave and strong. And this is how I reward her, by making her cry.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I whisper, holding her, and I start to rock to and fro as she weeps. I kiss her hair. Eventually, her crying subsides and she shudders, racked with dry sobs. I stand with her in my arms, carry her to the bedroom, and lay her down on the bed. She yawns and closes her eyes while I strip out of my pants and shirt. Leaving my underwear on, I slip into a T-shirt and switch off the lights. In bed, I hold her close. Within seconds, her breathing deepens and I know she’s asleep. She’s exhausted, too. I dare not move for fear of waking her. She needs sleep.
In the dark I try to make some sense of all that has occurred this evening. So much has happened. Too much, too much…
Leila stands before me. She’s a waif and her stench makes me take a step back.
The stench. No.
The stench.
He smells. He smells of nasty. And dirt. It makes sick come into my mouth.
He’s mad. I hide under the table. There you are, you little prick.
He has cigarettes.
No. I call my mommy. But she doesn’t hear me. She lies on the floor.
Smoke comes out of his mouth.
He laughs.
And he holds my hair.
The burn. I scream.
I don’t like the burn.
Mommy is on the floor. I sleep beside her. She is cold. I cover her with my blankie.
He’s back. He’s mad.
Crazy. Stupid. Bitch.
Get out of my way, you stupid fucking runt. He hits me and I fall.
He goes. He locks the door. And it’s Mommy and me.
And then she’s gone. Where is Mommy? Where is Mommy?
He holds the cigarette in front of me.
No.
He takes a puff.
No.
He presses it against my skin.
No.
The pain. The smell.
No.
“Christian!”
My eyes flick open. There’s light. Where am I? My bedroom.
Ana’s out of bed, holding my shoulders, shaking me.
“You left, you left, you must have left,” I mumble incoherently. She sits down beside me. “I’m here,” she says, and lays her palm on my cheek.
“You were gone.”
I only have nightmares when you’re not here.
“I just went for a drink. I was thirsty.”
Closing my eyes, I rub my face, trying to separate fact from fiction. She hasn’t left. She’s looking down at me: kind, kind Ana. My girl. “You’re here. Oh, thank God.” I pull her down beside me on the bed.
“I just went to get a drink,” she says, as I wrap my arms around her. She strokes my hair and my cheek. “Christian, please. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh, Ana.” My mouth claims hers. She tastes of orange juice…sweetness and home.
My body responds as I kiss her, her ear, her throat. I tug her bottom lip with my teeth as I caress her body. My hand pushing up the T-shirt she’s wearing. She trembles as I cup her breast and she moans into my mouth as my fingers find her nipple. “I want you,” I whisper.
I need you.
“I’m here for you. Only you, Christian.”
Her words light a fire inside me. I kiss her again.
Please never leave me.
She grabs my T-shirt and I move so that she can pull it off. I pull her upright while kneeling between her legs and drag off her T-shirt. She looks up at me, her eyes dark and full of hunger and longing. Holding her face, I kiss her, and we sink onto the mattress. Her fingers tangle in my hair as she kisses me back, matching my fervor. Her tongue in my mouth, eager to please.
Oh, Ana.
Suddenly, she pulls back and pushes against my arms. “Christian. Stop. I can’t do this.”
“What? What’s wrong?” I murmur against her throat.
“No, please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please…”
“Oh, Ana, don’t overthink this,” I whisper, as my anxiety returns. I’m fully awake. She’s rejecting me. No. I’m desperate. I tug her earlobe with my teeth and her body bows under my touch and she gasps. “I’m just the same, Ana. I love you and I need you. Touch me. Please.” I stop and rub my nose against hers and stare down at her, holding my weight on my arms as I wait for her response.
Our relationship rests on this moment.
If she can’t do this…
If she can’t touch me.
If I can’t have her.
I wait.
Please, Ana.
Tentatively, she reaches up and places her hand on my chest.
Heat and pain spiral across my chest as the darkness unleashes its claws. I gasp and close my eyes.
I can do this.
I can do this for her.
My girl.
Ana.
She runs her hand up to my shoulder, her fingertips scalding my skin. I groan; I want this so much and I dread it so much.
To dread your lover’s touch. What kind of fuckup am I?
She pulls me down to her and moves her hands to my back, holding me. Her palms on my flesh. Branding me. My strangled cry is half groan, half sob. I bury my face in her neck, hiding, seeking solace from the pain, but kissing her, loving her, as her fingers cross the two scars on my back.
It’s almost unbearable.
I kiss her, feverishly, losing myself in her tongue and her mouth as I fight my demons, using only my lips and my hands. They skim over her body while her hands move over mine.
The darkness is swirling, trying to dislodge her, but Ana’s fingers are on me. Caressing me. Feeling me. Gentle. Loving. And I steel myself against my fear and the pain.
I trail my lips down to her breasts and close them around one nipple, tugging until it’s hard and standing at attention. She groans as her body rises to meet mine and she scrapes her fingernails across the muscles on my back. It’s too much. Fear erupts in my chest, hammering my heart. “Oh, fuck, Ana,” I cry out and stare down at her. She’s panting, eyes bright and brimming with sensuality.
This is turning her on.
Fuck.
Don’t overthink this, Grey.
Man up. Go with it.
Taking a deep breath to slow my pounding heart, I skate my hand down her body, over her belly, to her labia. I cup her and my fingers are wet with her anticipation. Easing them inside her, I circle them and she pushes her pelvis up to meet my hand.
“Ana.” Her name is an invocation. I release her and sit up, and her hands fall away so she’s no longer touching me. I feel relieved and bereft at once. I remove my boxers, freeing my cock, and lean over to the bedside table for a condom. I hand it to her. “You want to do this? You can still say no. You can always say no.”
“Don’t give me a chance to think, Christian.” She’s breathless. “I want you, too.” She rips open the foil with her teeth and slowly, with trembling fingers, slides it onto me.
Her fingers on my erection are torture. “Steady. You are going to unman me, Ana.”
She gives me a quick, possessive smile, and when she’s done I stretch over her. But I need to know she wants this, too. I roll us both over, quickly.
“You, take me,” I whisper, staring up at her.
She licks her lips and sinks down on me, taking me, inch by inch.
“Ah.” I tilt my head back and close my eyes.
I’m yours, Ana.
She grabs my hands and starts to move, up and down.
Oh, baby.
Leaning forward, she kisses my chin and runs her teeth over my jaw.
I’m going to come.
Shit.
I still her with my hands on her hips.
Slow, baby. Please, let’s take this slow.
Her eyes are full of passion and excitement.
And I steel myself once more. “Ana, touch me, please.”
Her eyes widen with sheer delight and she spreads her hands on my chest. It’s blistering. I cry out and thrust deep inside her.
“Ah,” she whimpers, and her fingernails trail through my chest hair. Tantalizing me. Teasing me. But the darkness is pushing at each point of contact, determined to rupture my skin. It’s so painful, so intense, tears spring to my eyes, and Ana’s face blurs in a watery vision.
I twist so that she’s underneath me. “Enough. No more, please.”
She reaches up and clasps my face in her hands, wiping my tears, then pulling me down so that her lips are on mine. I drive into her. Trying to find my equilibrium, but I’m lost. Lost to this woman. Her breath is at my ear: Short. Panting. She’s reaching. She’s close. But she’s holding back.
“Let go, Ana,” I whisper.
“No.”
“Yes,” I plead, and I shift and roll my hips, filling her.
She moans, loud and clear, her legs tensing.
“Come on, baby, I need this. Give it to me.”
We need this.
She lets go, convulsing around me and crying out while she wraps her arms and legs around my body and I find my release.
HER FINGERS ARE IN my hair while my head rests on her chest. She’s here. She didn’t leave, but I can’t shake the feeling that I nearly lost her again. “Don’t ever leave me,” I whisper. Above me, I feel her move her head, her chin lifting in that mulish way she has. “I know you’re rolling your eyes at me,” I add, pleased that she’s doing so.
“You know me well.” There’s humor in her tone.
Thank God.
“I’d like to know you better.”
“Back at you, Grey,” she says, and asks me what torments me when I sleep.
“The usual.”
She insists that I tell her more.
Oh, Ana, do you really want to know?
She remains silent. Waiting.
I sigh.
“I must be about three, and the crack whore’s pimp is mad as hell again. He smokes and smokes, one cigarette after another, and he can’t find an ashtray.”
Does she really want this shit in her head? The burn. The smell. The screaming.
She tenses beneath me.
“It hurt,” I mutter. “It’s the pain I remember. That’s what gives me nightmares. That, and the fact that she did nothing to stop him.”
Ana’s hold on me tightens.
I lift my head, meeting her eyes. “You’re not like her. Don’t ever think that. Please.”
She blinks a couple of times and I lay my head on her chest again.
The crack whore was weak. No, Maggot. Not now.
She killed herself. Abandoning me.
“Sometimes in the dreams she’s just lying on the floor. And I think she’s asleep. But she doesn’t move. She never moves. And I’m hungry. Really hungry. There’s a loud noise and he’s back, and he hits me so hard, cursing the crack whore. His first reaction was always to use his fists or his belt.”
“Is that why you don’t like to be touched?”
I close my eyes and hold her tighter. “That’s complicated.” I nuzzle the space between her breasts, surrounding myself with her essence.
“Tell me,” she asks.
“She didn’t love me.” She can’t have loved me. She didn’t protect me. And she left me. Alone. “I didn’t love me. The only touch I knew was…harsh. It stemmed from there.”
I never had a mother’s loving touch, Ana.
Never.
Grace respected my boundaries.
I still don’t know why.
“Flynn explains it better than I can.”
“Can I see Flynn?” she asks.
“Fifty Shades rubbing off on you?” I try to lighten the mood.
“And then some.” Ana squirms. “I like how it’s rubbing off right now.”
I love her levity, and if she can joke about this, there’s hope. “Yes, Miss Steele, I like that, too.” I kiss her and stare into the warm depths of her eyes. “You’re so precious to me, Ana. I was serious about marrying you. We can get to know each other then. I can look after you. You can look after me. We can have kids if you want. I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever. Please think about it.”
“I will think about it, Christian. I will. I’d really like to talk to Dr. Flynn, though, if you don’t mind.”
“Anything for you, baby. Anything. When would you like to see him?”
“Sooner rather than later.”
“Okay. I’ll make the arrangements in the morning.” I glance at the clock: 3:44. “It’s late. We should sleep.” I switch off the light and pull her to me so we’re spooning. I only spoon with Ana. I nuzzle her neck. “I love you, Ana Steele, and I want you by my side, always. Now go to sleep.”
I’M WOKEN BY A commotion. Ana is leaping over me and onto the floor and heading for the bathroom.
She’s leaving?
No.
I check the time.
Shit. It’s late. I think this is the latest I’ve ever slept. She’s going to work. Shaking my head, I call Taylor through the internal phone system.
“Good morning, Mr. Grey.”
“Taylor, good morning. Could you take Miss Steele to work today?”
“With pleasure, sir.”
“She’s rather late.”
“I’ll wait for her outside the front door.”
“Great.”
“Come back for me.”
“Will do, sir.”
I sit up, and Ana hurries out of the bathroom, drying herself and gathering her clothes at the same time. It’s quite the floor show, especially when she dons a pair of black lace panties and a matching lace bra.
Yes. I could watch this all day.
“You look good. You can call in sick, you know,” I offer.
“No, Christian, I can’t. I am not a megalomaniac CEO with a beautiful smile who can come and go as he pleases.”
Beautiful smile? Megalomaniac? I grin. “I like to come as I please.”
“Christian!” she sputters, and throws the towel at me.
I laugh. She’s still here and I don’t think she hates me. “Beautiful smile, huh?”
“Yes. You know the effect you have on me.” She wraps her watch strap around her wrist and stops to fasten it.
“Do I?”
“Yes, you do. The same effect you have on all women. Gets really tiresome, watching them all swoon.”
“Does it?” I can’t hide my amusement.
“Don’t play the innocent, Mr. Grey, it really doesn’t suit you.” She yanks her hair up into a ponytail and puts on a pair of high-heeled shoes.
Baby’s in black. She looks sensational.
She bends down to kiss me good-bye and I can’t resist. I pull her down onto the bed.
Thank you for still being here, Ana.
“What can I do to tempt you to stay?” I whisper.
“You can’t,” she grumbles, and makes a feeble effort to fight me off. “Let me go.”
I pout and she grins. Outlining my lips with her finger, she smiles, leans up, and kisses me. I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of her lips on mine.
I release her. She needs to go. “Taylor will take you. Quicker than finding somewhere to park. He’s waiting outside the building.”
“Okay. Thank you,” she says. “Enjoy your lazy morning, Mr. Grey. I wish I could stay, but the man who owns the company I work for would not approve of his staff ditching just for hot sex.” She picks up her purse.
“Personally, Miss Steele, I have no doubt that he would approve. In fact, he might insist on it.”
“Why are you staying in bed? It’s not like you.”
Crossing my hands behind my head, I lean back and give her a broad smile. “Because I can, Miss Steele.”
She shakes her head in mock disgust. “Laters, baby.” She blows me a kiss and hurries out the door. I hear her footsteps clatter down the hallway and then all is quiet.
Ana’s left for the day.
And I miss her already.
I grab my phone with the intention of writing an e-mail to her. But what should I say? I told her so much last night—I don’t want to frighten her off with any more…revelations.
Keep it simple, Grey.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Missing you
Date: June 15 2011 09:05
To: Anastasia Steele
Please use your BlackBerry.
x
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I look around my bedroom and ponder how empty it feels without her. I type an e-mail to her personal account. I need to make sure she’s using her phone, because I don’t want anyone at SIP reading our e-mails.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Missing you
Date: June 15 2011 09:06
To: Anastasia Steele
My bed is too big without you.
Looks like I’ll have to go to work after all.
Even megalomaniac CEOs need something to do.
x
Christian Grey
Twiddling His Thumbs CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I hope that will elicit a smile. I press send, then call Flynn’s office. I leave a message. If Ana wants to see Flynn, she should see Flynn. With that done, I climb out of bed and head into the bathroom. After all, I do have a meeting with the mayor today.
I’M RAVENOUS AFTER YESTERDAY evening’s events. I never ate dinner. Mrs. Jones has prepared a full breakfast for me—eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns, waffles, and toast. Gail has gone to town; she’s in her element. While I’m eating, I get a response from Ana. Her work e-mail!
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: All Right for Some
Date: June 15 2011 09:27
To: Christian Grey
My boss is mad.
I blame you for keeping me up late with your…shenanigans.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Editor, SIP
Oh, Ana, I’m more ashamed of myself than you will ever know.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Shenaniwhatagans?
Date: June 15 2011 09:32
To: Anastasia Steele
You don’t have to work, Anastasia.
You have no idea how appalled I am at my shenanigans.
But I like keeping you up late ;)
Please use your BlackBerry.
Oh, and marry me, please.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Mrs. Jones is hovering about in the background while I eat my breakfast.
“More coffee, Mr. Grey?”
“Please.”
Ana’s response comes through on my phone.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Living to make
Date: June 15 2011 09:35
To: Christian Grey
I know your natural inclination is toward nagging, but just stop.
I need to talk to your shrink.
Only then will I give you my answer.
I am not opposed to living in sin.
Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Editor, SIP
For fuck’s sake, Ana!
From: Christian Grey
Subject: BLACKBERRY
Date: June 15 2011 09:40
To: Anastasia Steele
Anastasia, if you are going to start discussing Dr. Flynn, then USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.
This is not a request.
Christian Grey
Now Pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
My phone rings, and it’s Flynn’s PA. He can see me tomorrow evening at 7:00. I ask her to have Flynn call me; I’ll need to ask him about bringing Ana to the session.
“I’ll see if I can schedule a call later.”
“Thanks, Janet.”
I also want to know how Leila is this morning.
I send another e-mail to Ana’s account. This time my tone is a little softer.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Discretion
Date: June 15 2011 09:50
To: Anastasia Steele
Is the better part of valor.
Please use discretion…your work e-mails are monitored.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?
Yes. Shouty capitals as you say. USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.
Dr. Flynn can see us tomorrow evening.
x
Christian Grey
Still Pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I hope that will please her.
“Two for dinner?” Gail asks.
“Yes. Mrs. Jones. Thanks.”
I take a last swig of coffee and set my cup down. I like bantering with Ana over breakfast. If she marries me, she could be here every morning.
Marriage. A wife.
Grey, what were you thinking?
What changes will I need to make if she agrees to marry me? I get up and stroll to the bathroom. I stop by the stairway to the upper floor. On impulse, I head up the stairs to the playroom. Unlocking the door, I step inside.
My recent memory of this room is not a good one.
Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.
Ana’s words haunt me. A vision of her tearstained, anguished face comes to mind. I close my eyes. Suddenly I’m empty and aching, feeling a remorse so deep it cuts through sinew and bone. I never want to see her that unhappy again. Last night she was sobbing; she cried her heart out, but this time she let me comfort her. That’s a huge difference from last time.
Isn’t it?
I gaze around the room. What will become of it, I wonder?
I’ve had some amazing times in here…
Ana on the cross. Ana shackled to the bed. Ana on her knees.
I like your kinky fuckery.
I sigh and my phone buzzes. It’s a text from Taylor. He’s outside waiting for me. With a last lingering look at what was once my safe place, I shut the door.
MY MORNING IS UNEVENTFUL, but there’s a certain excitement running through GEH. It’s not often that I host delegations to the company, but the mayor’s visit is causing a buzz throughout the building. I get through a few early meetings and all seems in place.
At 11:30, when I’m back in my office, Andrea puts Flynn through to me.
“John, thanks for calling me.”
“I assumed you wanted to talk about Leila Williams, but I noticed that you’re in my schedule and I’m seeing you tomorrow evening.”
“I asked Ana to marry me.”
John says nothing.
“You’re surprised?” I ask.
“Frankly, no.”
That’s not what I expect him to say. But I let it go.
He continues. “Christian, you’re impulsive. And you’re in love. What did she say?”
“She wants to talk to you.”
“She’s not my patient, Christian.”
“But I am, and I’m asking you.”
He’s silent for a moment. “Okay,” he says eventually.
“Please, tell her whatever she wants to know.”
“If that’s what you wish.”
“I do. How’s Leila?”
“She had a comfortable night and was forthcoming this morning. I think I can help her.”
“Good.”
“Christian.” He pauses. “Marriage is a serious commitment.”
“I know.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
It’s my turn to pause. Spend the rest of my life with Ana…“Yes.”
“It’s not all rainbows and unicorns,” John says. “It’s hard work.”
Rainbows? Unicorns? What the hell!
“I’ve never shied away from hard work, John.”
John laughs. “That’s true. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
MY PHONE BUZZES, AND it’s another text from Elena.