Dear Sir,

Thank you for the kind gift of a prostate massager. Unfortunately, I will be unable to use it because I’m an unbearable know-it-all with a massive stick up my arse.

Kind Regards,

 

 

I see the hordes of paparazzi waiting outside his house when we drive past the top of the road. “Wankers!” I hiss.

“I don’t know why they stay there. He doesn’t usually say anything, so why would he start now?”

I shrug. “They just want their pound of flesh. They want pictures of suffering and pain.” I look back at the photographers. “Bet he’s hopping mad, and Mrs Fawcett-Smythe, the neighbourhood watch woman, will be having a coronary. She almost vomits every time she has to walk past his house because of the pinkness.”

His lip quirks. “It is very bold.”

“Like him,” I say wistfully. “Park over there, Dylan.” I direct him to the side by a large gate.

“Where does that lead?” he asks as we get out of the car.

“It’s a gated road which runs along the back of the gardens. It leads to the garages round the back.”

“Have you got a key?”

I shake my head. “Not on me. It’s in my room at Asa’s house, and I bet Mrs Fawcett-Smythe has already erected a portcullis. We’re not going in through the gate anyway.”

“Why?” He sounds slightly nervous.

“Because, and don’t look now, two photographers are coming this way. We’ll follow this wall along. Just look innocent and casual as if we’re out for a walk.”

After a couple of minutes, I snigger, and he looks at me. “What?”

“Well, if you ever lose your job don’t go for a position at MI5.”

“Hey! I’d be good at that.”

“Not unless their job specifies you must look like you’ve shit yourself while trying to be inconspicuous.”

“I do not,” he says crossly. “I think I’d be very Daniel Craig.”

“Well, you look more like Daniel Radcliffe.”

“I do not.” He shoves me. “Take that back right now.”

“You’re a wizard, Harry,” I hiss, and he snorts, trying not to laugh.

“Shut the fuck up and tell me your plan.”

I shoot a look back, relieved to see the paparazzi are now out of sight. I stop and look up at the high wall. “I’m going over that.”

“I feel I should be humming the theme for ‘Prison Break’,” he says faintly.

“Shut up and give me a lift up.”

After much shoving and grunting and cursing, most of it from Dylan, I finally swing my leg over the wall and straddle it. I peer down at him.

“What if there are dogs?” he hisses.

I smirk. “I think I’m okay, babe. They’re on your side anyway.”

“What? Shit! Fuck!” I can’t hold in my laughter at his frantic looking around for the fictional dogs and he glares at me. “Fuck off!” he hisses.

“I’m going.” I sling my leg over, getting ready to jump down when his voice floats up.

“Love you loads.”

“Love you more,” I say firmly. “Thanks, babe.”

“Anything for you.”

Then I let myself drop down onto the cobbled lane at the back of the houses. I land with a soft thump and look around. In direct contrast to the mob out the front, here is quiet and peaceful with the only sound being faint music coming from one of the big garages, and whistling as a man washes a Bentley.

Ahead of me runs a line of gates leading into the back gardens of the houses. I smile because Asa’s gate is immediately obvious, being the only one painted purple with yellow flowers. The man may be a huge gentle giant, but he really blatantly doesn’t care about other people’s opinions.

I lope over and breathe out a sigh of relief when I try the gate and find it isn’t locked. I didn’t really want to suffer the indignity of climbing over it and either falling and breaking a leg, or ripping the arse out of my jeans in front of Asa. At the thought of seeing him again, I pause as a wave of trepidation sweeps over me. Will he yell again, tell me to leave and look at me with that cold, angry, disappointed look? I take a deep breath and wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. If he does, it’s no more than I deserve. I will take whatever he throws at me, if he will just let me be there for him.

Decision made, I open the gate and make my way up the herringbone patterned path. I walk over the wide decking and skirt the patio furniture and the huge candles set all around, relics from summer meals out here.

I can hear the sound of voices through the door, and my heart trips at the sound of Asa’s deep rumble. Before I can second guess myself, I reach out and open the door. It opens a little more forcefully than I intend, and the occupants of the room look up as it slams against the wall and bounces back. I catch it and still as my eyes catch Asa when he rises slowly from his slumped position at the kitchen table.

“You’re here,” he says wonderingly. “You came back.”

I’m dimly aware of Peggy and Amos getting up and leaving the room, but my gaze is intent on him. “I had to,” I say hoarsely. “I just found out.”

A little light dies in his eyes. “You saw the news, then? That’s why you’re back?”

I step forward, moving a little closer to him with my heart hammering in my chest. I swallow hard. “No. I was always coming back. This is just the reason at the moment.” His head jerks up and I rush on. “I had to come. I know you’re angry with me, and maybe you hate me right now, but I couldn’t not come if there was even a slight chance you might need me.”

“I don’t hate you,” he stutters out, coming forward in two giant strides until he stands in front of me, his chest rising and falling. “I could never ever hate you, Jude. And you’re right. I do need you. We need you - Billy and I.” He pauses and then says in a mad rush, “I’m so sorry.”

I jerk. “Why are you sorry? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

He takes my face in his big hands. “The things I said to you were so fucking awful. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean any of them. I was just so hurt because you were giving up and leaving me.”

My heart is beating so hard I can feel it in my throat. “I’m not giving up on you,” I say hoarsely, putting everything on the line for the first time since eight years ago. “I’m not giving up on us. And I’m not leaving.” I hesitate. “At least if it’s okay with you, I’d really like to stay this time. With you.”

He half laughs, his face pursed in an adorably confused way. “I want you to stay with me always,” he says hoarsely. “I want everything with you.”

I swallow hard, feeling the heat in his hands melt the coldness which seems to have been inside me for so long, and the next words come as easily as if I’ve said them a hundred times before. “Well, that’s good, because I love you, Asa, and I think … no, I know, this is my stopping point.”

He gives a groan and lowers his hands to my shoulders, pulling me against him and taking my mouth in a deep, lush kiss. I feel the softness of his lips, the wiriness of his beard and the heat from him that surrounds me, and it’s as though I’ve come home. Here, in this sun-washed kitchen, with pots in the sink and a radio playing, in the arms of this big man, I am safe and I am free.

He breaks away with a gasp, and then hugs me tight to him. “I love you too,” he says brokenly, the Yorkshire accent heavier than I’ve ever heard it. I gasp as everything suddenly seems to come to broad colourful life, like we’ve been frozen for a second. “I love you so much, Jude.”

I smile widely at him, all my worries flowing away for a second and he swallows hard before grabbing my hand and towing me after him. “Come with me,” he commands, and I let him pull me up the stairs to his room. He pulls me in after him, and then locks the door and stares at me.

“I need you,” he says hoarsely. “I will always need you, sweetheart.”

My throat tightens and I move into him. “I need you too, Asa. Make love to me, please.”

“God, yes,” he whispers and leans down to kiss me, and I feel a certainty in myself that’s been missing for years. Standing in his arms, feeling his sturdy strength and smelling the scent of amber and lavender, I feel warm and whole and confident in who we are.

He pushes me down onto the bed, following to lie on top of me, and I groan at the feel of all his hard, hot body against mine. He levers up, and for a second he just stares at me.

“What?” I whisper, and he shakes his head.

“Just looking at you lying where you belong.”

“Under you?” I say teasing, and he smiles.

“No, just with me.”

The simple statement rings in the quiet air like a bell when it’s rung by a professional, and every sound has a place. I stare at his face. The sunlight is bold and honest and clearly shows the wrinkles at the sides of his eyes, the tiny strands of grey beginning to appear in his dark hair, and the faint lines which bracket his mouth. It’s a face made for smiles and laughter, and it’s impossibly dear to me.

“Where I belong,” I echo quietly, and hug him close, resting my face in his wild mane of hair. “Kiss me,” I whisper and he does. He kisses me as he dexterously strips us of our clothing, and even as he prepares me and thrusts into me, he never loses my lips, kissing me feverishly as if it’s life and breath to him.

We come together on that huge bed with the white sheets, as if we’re lovers of many years’ standing. As if we know and love every inch of the other’s body, totally comfortable and free. For the first time, I truly know what it means to make love to someone, and when I come, it’s a sweet pain I feel echo in my heart.

We separate and lie on our backs panting hard, sweat and come sticky and cooling between us. Then he rolls to face me. “I love you so much,” he whispers. “Please don’t leave me again.”

I feel warmth run through me like melted honey. I’m so fucking lucky. “I love you too, and I’m here to stay.” But as soon as I say the words, it’s inevitable my old companion worry will rear its head. “But what about if I can’t be everything all the time?”

He stares at me. “Who can be that? Nobody can be everything, because we don’t just love one person.” He caresses my face with one long fingered, callused hand. “I happen to think you love not often but well, and if the way you’ve put the people you love first all these years is any indication, I think Billy and I will be very safe.”

I stare at him, struck more by these words than I’ve been by anything. “Do you really mean that?”

He nods and inexplicably laughs. “Look around, Jude. Where are you?” I stare at him, unable to grasp his meaning and he laughs. “You’re here by my side, and it didn’t exactly take you long to get here once you knew I needed you.”

“But I might not always be able to.”

He hugs me tight, and I bury my head in his chest and listen to the sound of his heart. “No, you won’t,” he says quietly, and the simple acceptance in his voice loosens a tight knot in me for the first time in years. The quiet certainty there will be times when I can’t be with him, is paradoxically the most comforting thing he’s ever said to me. He shrugs as I look up at him. “The important thing is, I’ll always know, if given a choice, you would be with me. That’s enough for me. It should be enough for anyone.”

Then he stirs, and depositing me gently to his side, he rolls off the bed. “Much as I want to lie here forever, any moment now someone will call in and I don’t think we can stay like this.”

I lie back and stretch, enjoying the hot gaze he sends down my body. “So, you don’t think naked and covered in come is a good way to meet people?”

His gaze darkens. “I think I’d better be the only person you’re greeting like that.” He suddenly looks hesitant. “At least it’s the way I’d like it to be. I don’t think I can have a relationship with you which isn’t exclusive. Is that the way you think?”

I raise up on my elbows and look hard at him. “It certainly is. I’m not sharing you now I have you, Asa. I know I’ve had my casual hook-ups, but I’ve a feeling I’ll be a very possessive person where you’re concerned. So don’t poke the green eyed monster.”

He laughs and my gaze snags on his wide joyous smile which makes me want to smile back. “Okay, it’s a deal, because that definitely goes both ways.” He throws me my jeans. “Get dressed and stop tempting me. I want to see Amos when he comes back, because I think he’ll be wanting to continue the fascinating conversation you interrupted earlier.”

“What was it?”

“Something about how we come into the world alone and we leave it the same way, mixed up with words of wisdom about the illogicality of love and ever being happy.”

I throw my head back and laugh. “He never met a smile he couldn’t turn upside down. This house is fucking crazy.”

He stills. “Do you mind? With anyone else, Jude, you’d be able to lie in bed and fuck all day with no concerns and no worries. Here, it’s just bloody bedlam and demands on our time.”

I stare at him and suddenly laugh. “You’re asking me that?” I gasp. “Shit! If there’s anyone who understands commitments it’s me.”

He draws me to him and kisses me again, and after we’ve showered, we dress, stopping to steal kisses and soft gropes. We’re just at the bottom of the stairs when I hear the back door slam and Peggy’s voice. The next minute the kitchen door bangs open and Billy appears, his hair wild and his uniform crumpled like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards.

“Jude!” he shouts, and I bend and catch him as he runs at me. I swing him up into my arms and hug him tight.

“Billy,” I whisper, choking slightly as his arms wind around my throat and cut off my air supply.

“You came back. Did you have a nice holiday?”

I look up and smile at Asa, mouthing ‘thank you’.

He shrugs. “I was just hoping you’d come back.”

“I was always coming back,” I say forcefully. “This is it for me. You, me and Billy. This is it.”

He gives me a giant gleaming smile and winds his arms around us, so we stand as I know we’re always going to be - a family of three.

An hour later I stir at the table, putting my tea down and looking at Peggy and Asa. “So, who did it? Who sold the story?”

Asa stretches from where he’s sitting close to me, his arm extended over the back of my chair and his thigh a warm, hard presence against my own. He casts a glance at Billy who is sitting happily on my lap, eating a muffin and showering me liberally in crumbs, and his lip quirks. “Julian.”

“No!” I gasp. “Get out of here. Why?”

He shrugs. “He knew at the party that he’d burnt his boats with me by bringing Phillip there. Phillip told him about Eve, and I suppose he decided to finally cash in.” Unbelievably he smiles. “They all do.”

“Not all,” I say fiercely, and he smiles crookedly at me, touching the side of my hand with his while Peggy pats me on the shoulder. “So what do we do?” I ask, and then stare at him. “You look awfully cheerful for someone who has most of Europe’s paparazzi sitting on his doorstep, and probably a very painful meeting with Mrs Fawcett-Smythe in his future.”

He laughs. “I actually don’t care.” I stare at him and he smiles. “You just said we. I have everything I’ve ever wanted right here. Why the hell would I waste time being miserable?”

I smile at him, feeling warmth fill me up. “Well, okay then,” I say quietly. I pause and then say hurriedly, “Right back at you, of course.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “Of course.”

I subtly raise my middle finger at him, and then kiss Billy’s hair. “So, what do you want to do?”

He stares at the wall of photographs, a distant look on his face. “I don’t want Billy hearing what they’re shouting.”

Billy looks up. “Those men outside are very loud,” he says to me. “They keep shouting through the letterbox, and yesterday Daddy said to one man that if he didn’t take his hand out of the letterbox he wouldn’t like what was coming. What was coming?”

I smirk. “Put it this way, he wouldn’t be able to post any letters for a while.” Billy shakes his head, obviously losing interest in adult speak while reaching surreptitiously for another muffin.

Asa neatly removes the plate from his reach, and looks at me. “What do you think we should do?”

“Me?”

He nods. “Yes, you. You’re part of this family, aren’t you?”

I smile widely. “I guess I am. Well then, as part of this family why don’t I take Billy away? It worked last time.”

Asa nods thoughtfully. “That might be a good plan.” He looks sideways at Peggy and then looks at me, worry racing over his face. “It’s not exactly the big reunion I planned.” My face flushes because the hot look on his face tells me what he imagined us doing. He looks at my face as if memorising the features. “Are you sure about this, Jude? I mean, this is what you’ll get with me. Snatched moments interspersed with mess and noise, and a diary busier than the Queen’s.” He hesitates. “Surely you want more than this? You’re twenty-nine, not forty-four like me. You should be out partying and …”

He hesitates, and I look at him kindly. “Don’t worry. With your advanced age, you’ve obviously forgotten what twenty-nine feels like.” I shoot him a salacious wink. “Don’t worry. I’ll remind you what this one feels like.”

He shakes his head, a laugh bursting off his lips, and Peggy cackles. I smile at him, feeling warmth and so much love for him. “Round this table is everything this twenty-nine-year-old needs and wants, Asa. Mess and noise and a packed calendar sound perfect if I’m sharing them with you.”

Peggy sniffs and waves her hand in front of her eyes. “Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just so happy. I knew you were the one for him when we sat in the kitchen that first afternoon, and you shouted out the calorie intake for everything edible in the house.”

I laugh and then sober. “How about I take him to Devon? No one will think of that, and we can wait for you there. I’d like to show you my home.”

He looks at me, an arrested expression on his face at something. “You want us in Devon?”

I nod. “You’re both my family. Seems only right you meet the others. I’ll take Billy and he’ll love it there.”

He stares at me, warm and soft and intimate, and then his face fills with determination. “No, I’m not being separated from you and Billy. I won’t let them do it to me. I’m not doing any interviews this time. They can write what they want. My lawyers are taking care of it.” He pauses. “I’m not letting the press separate us, this time or ever. Would you mind if I came with you?”

I look at him, shocked and delighted. “Can you?”

He relaxes. “We’re a family now, aren’t we? I can do what I want.”

I smile and Billy looks up. “Are we keeping Jude now, Daddy?”

Asa stares at him and me with an impossibly gentle look on his face. “I think we are, Bill. Yes.”

“But you said we couldn’t make him stay.”

I kiss his hair, inhaling the scent of baby shampoo clinging to the inky curls and stare at Asa. “Ah, but I want to stay, Bill. That’s the difference.”

“And will you sleep in the same bed like Milo and Blue’s mummy and daddy?”

I go still and grimace in horror at Asa. How does anyone answer that question? The next second I find out the answer is honestly.

“Yes, we will, Billy. Is it okay with you?” Asa asks him gently, clutching my hand tightly in his. I hold my breath. If he says no, will Asa finish it with me? I look at him in alarm, to find him staring at me, his face bright and warm with utter love. Never he mouths.

Billy shrugs unconcerned, and then wriggles and jumps down from my lap. “That’s good. You can make Jude get up in the mornings, then. He never wants to wake up, and I’m only five. How can I make a grown up wake up?”

He picks Stanley up from her basket and wanders out of the kitchen now filled with Asa’s laughter.