Carter slammed through the house, glad that most of the other dragon shifters were out and wouldn’t be there to ask him what was going on with him. Gavin was on the couch as he passed, but he was engrossed in a book and simply nodded a greeting to Carter. Carter grunted in response but was in his bedroom by the time the noise would have registered in Gavin’s busy mind.
He immediately sat down at his desk, sighing heavily as he thought about what had just happened. How could he have let himself be so careless? He had been trying his hardest to maintain his self-control. He was meant to be an Elder. When he got back to Fiora, would they be able to tell whether he had been loyal to his mission?
Why was it that he was so drawn to this human? He couldn’t choose a sickly human over his fated mate. The sacred bloodline’s continuation relied on him making the right choices and finding the one he was meant to be with. The one who would help to keep the shifter magic alive and well throughout the universe. Not some human who could hardly make it out of bed most days.
Carter sighed heavily. That was probably a bit harsh. He didn’t know the details surrounding Amy’s mysterious illness, but he could sense that it was incredibly debilitating. And judging by other humans and their reactions to her, it was a frequent enough issue that they wanted little to do with her at this point. He couldn’t let himself be swayed by someone so sick. He wasn’t going to let it bother him anymore. He would just have to forget the human entirely and focus on his mission. He would do whatever it took to make sure that he was doing his job. It was the most important thing he could possibly do. And if he got distracted from it, he would never be able to reclaim his position on Fiora. If returning back home was ever even an option…
Carter paused. If he was never going to return home, then how important was it really to make sure that he found his fated mate? No, he couldn’t think like that. It was dangerous. He couldn’t possibly allow his kind to suffer just because he was a bitter shifter who wanted to make selfish, stupid decisions.
Besides, how would he ever be able to justify falling for a human to himself? It made no sense. And a human he would have to spend all his time caring for no less! It was absurd. Dragon shifter females were supposed to be the strongest of the strong. They had iron wills and courageous hearts. And those mixed with Loni blood were unstoppable creative forces. The children from these unions were special. Vital. Not the kind of thing a woman like Amy could ever conceive. Right?
Carter hesitated, his mind wandering back to the beautiful woman and all the confusing things he felt whenever she was near. It seemed like everything else was put on pause as he stared into her eyes. And the way she felt against his skin…he had never enjoyed anything more than that experience. How could he just walk away?
But it was what he had to do. He had to fight these impulses. They were unsavory. They were temptations that the universe was probably trying to use to deter him from achieving his sacred purpose. He had to ensure the bloodline for the hybrid descendants. Their disappearance from the universe would mean utter chaos; at least on his own planet. And he couldn’t stand for that. No matter how much he loved Amy.
When the word ‘love’ popped into Carter’s head, it gave him a pause. How could he say that he loved her? Even to himself? No, that wasn’t right. He couldn’t let himself think that way. All these feelings were simple tricks of the mind. He was being weak-willed. He couldn’t love someone who wasn’t even his fated mate. He wasn’t one of these loose moraled humans who could go about courting each other without any serious ends in sight. He wasn’t just going to try to mate willy nilly and get himself into trouble.
Even though that was exactly what he had just done.
Still, he could stop it. There was time. It wasn’t as if he had confessed the extremity of his feelings to her. He wasn’t even entirely sure what those feelings were for himself. Of course, he wasn’t going to go telling Amy that he loved her. It was preposterous. He wasn’t going to abandon his sacred mission for these tricks the humans liked to play on themselves and each other. He had been under a lot of stress lately, that was all. He had made a mistake, but he would fix it.
Carter sighed and pushed himself up from his seat, then began to pace through his bedroom, his eyes furtively roaming the shelves full of books he had collected and a few of the artifacts that the Elders had sent with the banished shifters to help them along in the world they had been sent away to. Earth. Without the artifacts, it was unlikely that the shifters would have even been able to transform into their dragon forms.
He was starting to feel cooped up and pushed through his bedroom door, sinking onto the couch across from Gavin, who barely acknowledged Carter when he sat down. Carter cleared his throat and eyed Gavin intently, and Gavin looked up suddenly as if his concentration had been abruptly shattered by the noise. Carter grinned, and Gavin sighed. Yep. It definitely had been.
“Are you all right, Carter?” Gavin asked, quirking a brow at him from behind the heavy, thick-bound leather book resting in his lap. “Is there something you need?”
Carter shrugged a single shoulder. “I don’t know. I feel restless.”
Gavin nodded, knowing that this was code for the fact that Carter needed somebody to talk to. He sat the book heavily beside himself and sat up straight.
“How did it go at the bank? You were gone a while.”
Carter looked away, clamping his mouth closed tightly. He couldn’t let anybody know about what had happened with Amy. At least, not until he understood it himself. But it was unlikely that they would ever be understanding enough about it. Especially after he himself had been complaining so loudly about the nonsensical human mating customs. He couldn’t let them know that he was a hypocrite. It would be too humiliating.
“Everything went fine at the bank,” Carter said finally. “I don’t know. It was a bank. You know how much I hate running these stupid errands.”
“Do you not feel like you’re being useful enough?” Gavin asked, looking intently at Carter. “You have been pretty on edge lately.”
Carter sighed. “I guess that’s a big part of it. I miss being respected. Useful. Back on Fiora, I was really somebody. But here, nobody knows anything about me. They don’t respect me. They don’t know my rank or understand me. It’s just very frustrating.”
“You are taking this transition a lot harder than anyone else,” Gavin said quietly.
“I am not,” Carter snapped, looking at Gavin with cool eyes. “I just don’t like this place. I want to go home. I want everything to go back to normal.”
“Carter,” Gavin said, his voice low and gentle, but firm. “You know that things will probably never go back to the way they were. This is normal now. Living on Earth is our new normal. And we have to accept and embrace it. It’s time to make ourselves comfortable in the now and stop living in the past, Carter. We have talked about this several times.”
Carter scowled. “It’s nothing like that, Gavin. I just want to be respected. I’m capable of doing a lot more than petty errands.”
Gavin smiled understandingly. “I know that. We all know that. And maybe it feels like you get stuck doing errands more than other people, but really, it’s pretty evenly divided. Last week, you know TJ had to take the garbage out every single day, right? And run to the gas station every time I needed something for my experiments. Because you were all busy working and setting up dates with the potentials.”
“That date was terrible,” Carter grumbled. “I hate having to deal with the humans.”
He felt a pang of guilt for saying it, especially after sleeping with Amy, but he couldn’t take the words back now. Gavin sighed.
“Do you know what TJ did while you were out collecting the sample from the potential you were on a date with? Cleaned toilets. We all have our grunt work to get through. And all of us know what it’s like to feel the brunt of missing out on the importance of who we used to be. But it’s going to get better. And if you need a change, then we will work on that. But everything is still going to be fair. We aren’t going to favor you or anyone else. We will try to make sure we are all doing our part.”
Carter’s eyes glossed over as Gavin spoke. He had heard it all before, though it was kind of nice to know that even TJ had shitty jobs to do when Carter was out.
“I know, man. I’m just a bit on edge, that’s all. I want to go do something in my dragon form. There’s a lot of aggression I haven’t been able to get out. We haven’t done training in so long. When will we go back to the cabin? I miss it there.”
Gavin sighed. “We’ll get there. I mean, we can talk to everyone about it soon and see what they think. It might do us all some good to get away for a little while. Shut down shop for a day or two and just be our dragon selves. Get back in touch with our roots. It might actually help us in finding the descendants if we are more balanced. I even think it would help us to shapeshift without the totems.”
“Really?” Carter asked, suddenly forgetting his worries for a moment. He had been hating his reliance on the totems to shapeshift. If he lost his, that could mean he would be stuck in his inferior human form for the rest of his life, assuming they never made it back to Fiora.
“Yes. It’s possible that we are actually still able to shapeshift, but the stress of travel and extreme change in environment simply caused us to get off-balance. Sometimes, stress can change us physiologically. The same is true of most living things. So, if we are able to take the time to get to know ourselves again and accept our situations and move forward from there, then we may not have to rely on our totems to shapeshift.”
“That’s great news,” Carter said, his eyes suddenly bright. “The reliance on those totems was a hinderance. It’s very dangerous.”
“I agree. But I have ample reason to believe that it is simply something the Elders gave us to help to ground us psychologically enough to complete the transformations until we are actually accustomed to our bodies and surroundings again.”
Carter nodded thoughtfully. “In that case, I vote we go to the cabin as soon as possible and test that theory.”
“Carter, we can’t just force ourselves to adapt. But I do think it would be worth a shot to give it a try,” Gavin said, pulling the big book back onto his lap and sitting back heavily against the backrest of his seat. “I want to do whatever I can to make sure you are able to adapt. It can be a very hard transition. I get it. Just try to stay busy until we get our trip sorted out.”
“All right, Gavin. Thanks for the talk.”
“No problem. Oh, and Carter? We have another date set up for you tomorrow, remember? The one you met at the park? Max has all the details.”
Carter grimaced. Another date? That felt even worse than it normally would have after sleeping with Amy. He didn’t want to deal with another girl. But he had to do his duty. He had to find his fated mate and propagate the sacred bloodline.
“All right, Gavin. Got it. I’ll talk to Max in the morning.”
“Good. Good night, Carter.”
“Night.”
Carter stood up and smiled at Gavin. He was starting to feel a bit better now, even though he knew he had messed up in dealing with the human the way he had. He was just going to have to do better next time. And whatever he did, he would have to avoid her at all costs. And who could tell? Maybe this next date would be the one he had been waiting for and he could forget Amy once and for all. All of this would just be a big mistake he could easily forget about once he was well on his way toward fathering the sacred children and winning his way back into the good graces of the Elder’s council.