I felt bad for Mr. Knight before, but the look on his face when I turned him down… I’m pretty sure he felt like I pulled out a pistol and shot him dead through the heart.

He really thought I’d sell.

He really doesn’t get it.

As Olivia works on her daily lesson, I find myself beside an unusually stoic Knight. His shock has faded into an absolute fury. Fury that I’d swear spells murder for me. But he’s quiet, calm even, as he watches Olivia work.

Then, the ire shifts once more and he glances down at me. This time, the anger is gone. The shock is gone. They’re replaced by something so sinister I wince. I’d swear the look is respect.

And I decide, that, though I owe him nothing, I’ll share my reasons with him. I’m confident he won’t be able to use this against me, and I find myself feeling bad for him. He’s such a powerful man, no one ever tells him no. Then I come along and turn his world up on its end. That’s got to be uncomfortable. No wonder he thinks I’m unreasonable. Reasonable people – all the people he’s ever dealt with besides me – do what he wants.

“My dad wanted a boy,” I say, giving voice to the beginning. “He said women are trouble. That I’d be like my mom, pregnant at sixteen and married off to some fool I’d fallen in love with.”

Knight is silent.

But I’m giving voice to my truth, and his silence is merely an invitation to continue. “Like they were. He needed a son to follow in his footsteps. Needed a boy to take over and run things when he was gone.”

The pain of it all rises up and chokes me. My throat feels like it’s closing and I take a moment to compose myself as we watch Olivia, her chin held high and a stubborn light in her eyes as she works with Dreamer to do figure eights.

When I’m certain I can speak again, I start slow. “When dad would hire guys, they’d resort to any wheel and deal tactics they could.” I shake my head, still feeling as incredulous as I had back then. “One offered to marry me to take care of me and the ranch.” Realizing he might need context, I add, “I was ten.”

Beside me, Knight stiffens, and I realize I might have hit a nerve. Olivia is nine. I’m sure he’s putting her in my place, perhaps putting his whole life in mine as I speak. Maybe he’s in a better place to understand my life than I’ve given him credit for.

“I felt like dad wanted to kill the guy,” I say, remembering with a smile. Dad had stood up for me. “He told him to get the fuck out and never come back unless he wanted to lose his tackle.” I can’t help the grin widening over my lips. “It was the first time I’d ever heard dad threaten someone, the first time I’d heard him cuss, or raise his voice. He was such a calm man.”

Knight looks at me, and deep in his eyes, I see darkness that’s drowning him.

Struck silent, I feel my lips part as he stares at me like the world is falling down around us. His eyes move to my lips and I can’t help but run my tongue over them. They’re so dry and my nerves are working overtime with the intensity behind his stare.

His eyes meet mine again and my heart begins to pound in my throat so hard I feel faint. As if he knows the effect he’s having on me, he looks away. With his attention back on Olivia, I can gather the shredded bits of my courage around me like a moth-eaten blanket.

And I continue telling him the story.

“But there were guys who didn’t go the nice route. Some straight up told dad that I couldn’t run this place. They said I’m just a stupid, weak girl and I’d wind up losing everything.” Tears sting in my eyes as I speak. It hurts to remember how dad had argued, but perhaps half-heartedly. Like he was arguing his hopes rather than with a conviction that told him I’d be just fine.

And I’m still here. Still fighting. Still running the place like dad did.

I wonder if Knight is even listening to me at this point. But it feels good to talk, so I’m ready to continue even if he’s ignoring me. I haven’t opened up about this yet, and it’s a nice feeling to just let it all out. If I had more time - and more friends - I’d talk to them, but time is such a short commodity it’s just not feasible. I’ll settle for this.

At least I know Knight wont fake pity me, or bullshit me.

“Thanks,” I say suddenly. He looks at me this time his expression is carefully guarded. I smile at him as I speak part of what’s on my mind. “I was just thinking that I know you won’t fake pity me or bullshit me. It’s nice to be so candid and honest without worrying about what you think or how you’ll react.”

His eyes narrow a tiny bit before returning to normal, and I find myself wondering what’s going on in that mind of his. What is he thinking? Feeling? Is he just thinking about how crazy I am to be dumping all of this on him? Because it is nuts. He’s not a friend. Not a confidant. Not even someone who has the slightest care about the worst parts of my life.

Maybe that’s why I like this. I can show the ugliest parts of my being to him and his opinion of me won’t change, because he already doesn’t like me.

His attention returns to Olivia, and I keep talking, taking his silence as an invitation to keep spilling. He would have told me to stop if he was hating it, right? And I know he’s listening now. He’d responded to my thanking him. Sure, he’s not talking, but that’s not a bad thing. If he said something it might make me second guess talking to him. At least this way, it’s like talking to the horses, except he understands the words. He responds. He’s human.

Kind of. Maybe not so much human.

“Dad used to hire guys to help out. They’d work hard and listen to him. It made life easier when we had rushes we couldn’t keep up with.” I think back on the times we’d have men taking some of load off. It had been such a relief, a chance to rest a bit and catch up on sleep. Though we never took time off, we just took better care of ourselves. Something dad thought was very important.

My heart falls a little as I think about how things had gone when I’d tried to hire help myself. My voice lowers to a humiliated croak. “But when I try to hire guys, they just goof off. No one takes me seriously.”

Beside me, he stiffens a little and I look toward Olivia, trying to figure out if something is wrong. Everything looks good, so I assume his response is to my story.

“But I’m still here,” I say softly. “I still keep this place running, by myself. I get things done. I’m as good as the son dad wanted.” I take a moment to take a deep breath and compose myself. As the thoughts come full circle, I finally find the reason I’m telling him this.

“If I give up, throw in the towel and sell the place, then I’ll be proving them all right. I’ll be proving I can’t do it, that I would let dad down.” A lump rises I my throat and I feel it cutting off my air as I grip the fence tightly to stop from falling.

“If I sell,” I whisper as Knight looks down at me with an expression I can’t read, “I’ll be proving them all right.”