Chapter Eighteen

Savannah 

Going back to the basement made me feel like I was being punished. Like a child who had done something wrong. It felt right though. It was where I deserved to be. I was angry at myself for not speaking to Axel. But he didn’t understand how difficult it was for me. I’d spent such a big portion of my life fending for myself and having nobody to turn to. There was a lot about me that he didn’t know—and a lot that I didn’t want him to know. I hadn’t expected to go out for lunch that day and to bump into my past. I wanted to do everything in my power to move away from that side of my life, and the less he knew about it, the better. I didn’t want him getting involved, or worst of all, getting hurt. I would never forgive myself. There were people in my old life that were unforgiving and dangerous, and I wanted to move on from that. But still, waking up in the basement instead of in Axel’s arms had been difficult. It had made me wonder if I had done the right thing. I felt like I was always trying to do the right thing and that I was always failing.

Now, I had ruined things. I should’ve just talked to him about it. But now he was angry with me and telling him would just make it worse. I lay in bed for a long time, wondering if he would perhaps come in. But, of course, he never did. I got up, took a shower, and gingerly made my way to the kitchen. Part of me wished that Bobby wasn’t there. I didn’t want him to have to suffer because of my mistakes. But part of me was also glad that he was there. With Bobby there, it was a lot easier to pretend. We would be forced to at least pretend to be happy for his sake.

When I walked in, Bobby was sitting with Axel at the kitchen table. They each had a piece of the newspaper in their hands. Axel was looking at the sports section, and Bobby was looking the cartoons. The sight of them together turned my stomach into a knot. I felt the emotions well up inside me. For a moment, I just stood there watching them before either of them had seen me. I wanted to capture that moment forever. I knew the moment Axel looked my way, it would be ruined. I wasn’t wrong. Bobby saw me first and grinned at me. But Axel didn’t offer me nearly as kind of a look.

“Morning, Mommy!”

“Morning, my darling. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes! I always sleep well. And I had a dream you and Daddy got married! You were wearing this big white dress, and I was in a suit. And there was a dog. Maybe we can get a dog?” he said and looked up at me hopefully.

My stomach churned. I avoided looking at Axel and focused solely on Bobby. I forced myself to smile even though I wasn’t feeling happy at all. Was Bobby dreaming about me getting married because it was what he really wanted? Was he that desperate for a normal family? I felt so sad for him then. And sad for me too. I’d ruined all my chances.

“Hmm, we’ll see. Definitely not right now. There’s too much going on. But I’ll think about it. I promise.”

“It will be so much fun, Mommy. Dogs are so cute.”

“I know. And I will think about it. But not just yet, okay? Mommy has a few things she has to sort out first. Now, let me make some breakfast. Who wants?”

“We’ve eaten already. We got up early. I had cereal with so much milk my cereal was swimming in it. It was so funny. Pop is coming to get me soon. I can’t wait. We’re going to spend the whole day together, and we’re going to visit Stacy again. I think she’s starting to know me.”

“That’s good. Give her a kiss for me, okay?”

“Okay.”

I made breakfast while Bobby continued chatting away. In the whole time I’d been there, Axel had not said a single word to me. He just carried on with drinking his coffee and looking at his newspaper. When I turned to look at him, I saw that he was still on the same page from when I had first walked in, so I knew he wasn’t really reading anything at all. I wished he would at least acknowledge me, but I supposed I deserved the treatment. I wanted him to look my way so that I could at least mouth an apology to him, but he continued to look down. Pop arrived, and Bobby went running out the house without so much at a glance our way. The moment he was gone, I thought about saying something to Axel, but he had walked out the room to get ready for work. I finished my breakfast and got my things. I climbed into my car and followed him to work with a sense of dread weighing down on me.

When we got to work, Spike made a joke about us actually being on time this morning. Normally the two of us would’ve laughed and had something to say back, but things were so frosty between us that neither of us bothered to even answer him.

“Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?” Spike asked.

He obviously expected one of us to laugh or to comment back, but Axel didn’t say anything, and I just shot daggers his way before heading to the office. I wondered if the two of them would be talking about me as I left. I wanted to talk to Axel, but I didn’t want to beg him to speak to me either. The longer the two of us didn’t say anything to each other, the worse things between us seemed to get. I had no idea how we were going to keep pretending in front of Bobby. I thought back to the morning before and how wonderful things had been between us. I’d ruined it all. Just because I didn’t want to involve Axel in my previous life. Was I doing the right thing or was I once again making a huge mistake? I never knew what to do anymore. I sat down at my desk and opened up the computer. The only thing that I could do at the moment was to work and to try and forget about everything.

The day went by relatively fast. There was thankfully plenty to do to help keep my mind off of everything. I was glad because I was not in the right frame of mind to think about everything. Every now and again, a thought would creep in, and I would push it aside. Axel didn’t come into the office once. Spike came in once looking for something and briefly asked me if everything was okay. I shrugged it off and told him I was just tired and he didn’t ask me anything further. I liked Spike. He was a good guy, and I was glad that Axel had been friends with him for so long. I still remembered him from six years ago. He was still the same Spike from then, only a bit more mature now.

As the day was drawing to a close, I started to wonder if Axel was ever going to speak to me again. I thought about how awkward things were going to be at home that evening and wondered if I should go in and talk to him before heading home. I was so deep in thought that I jumped up at the sound of bikes pulling up outside the shop. I was used to the sound of bikes, but not so many at once. I wondered if there was something going on that I didn’t know about. I got up and peered out the window, and my heart almost stopped at the sight of the XMC guys outside. What were they doing there? I backed away and tried to figure out what to do with myself. I decided that I couldn’t walk out alone. I needed Axel by my side. No matter how upset he was with me, he was still the first person that I thought of turning to.

I rushed out to find Axel and then stopped short when I saw him standing in front of Duke. The two of them looked like they were just about to start a fight with each other. I looked at Spike, who seemed to be frozen on the spot just like me. Shit! Shit! Shit!