Chapter 14

Pippa didn’t know why she’d grabbed River’s hand. Or actually she did know. She didn’t want him to leave. By his side she felt incredible, and for the first time in years all the pain, the worries, the humiliation faded into nothing.

Strength seeped from his warm hand over into her body. Strength and something else, a burning desire for him, the urge to tear off his clothes and crawl under his skin, to kiss every inch of his gorgeous body and…No! Stop! She wouldn’t go there. Been there, done that. And what had falling head over heals for a man given her?

Heartache. Betrayal.

First, she needed to get back on track with her life and once she was in a position of strength, then she could allow herself to fall for another man. Not now. Not for River.

Will you talk to me, please? Pippa knew she shouldn’t. Baring her soul had never ended well from where she stood, but for some reason she wanted him to know. Wanted him to understand…needed him to understand.

“Might as well sit back down,” she murmured, releasing his hand and sitting up on the side of the lounger. She folded her hands together and then looked out across the water. “My mom loved to dive. She spent as much time on the water and under the surface as she could…lots of times I went with her.”

“What happened?” River asked gently, sitting back down, facing her. Their knees were almost touching and then he was reaching for her hands once more.

Pippa swallowed. “She was night diving. She’d been down for almost an hour.”

“How deep?” River asked quietly.

“Almost seventy feet. She was always pushing her limits…anyway, her radio had been cutting in and out all night. The other divers wanted to surface, but she had spotted a rare kind of fish and wanted to take a picture.” Pippa’s eyes filled with tears at the memory. She’d been reliving those anxious moments time and again in her nightmares.

“What happened?” River urged her to continue.

“We waited. But she didn’t surface. One of the crew got ready to go down to search for her, but just as he jumped into the water, she propelled to the surface like a rocket.” Pippa’s voice broke.

River inhaled sharply. “She did an emergency ascend from seventy feet after being down for so long?”

“Yes.” Pippa’s voice faded to a mere whisper. “She later told us that her headlamp went out and she lost her sense of equilibrium. In a sudden panic she released her weight belt. Her ascend happened too fast…she appeared to be fine when she first came up, but about an hour after getting on the boat, she began to have problems.”

“The bends,” River said.

She didn’t have to explain to him what decompression sickness meant. Under high pressure, gas dissolved in the blood and would form bubbles during a rushed ascent. Those bubbles could cause severe sickness, even death, if not treated immediately.

“Yes. Our skipper called the Coast Guard to fly her to the closest hyperbaric chamber, but by the time my mother arrived there, she was already having breathing problems.” The pain rushed back with full force and shook her frame as she searched for the proper words to continue. “My father flew with her in the helicopter, but I had to stay on the boat. She was already unconscious when I got to the hospital and died a few hours later.”

River didn’t utter a word, but squeezed her hands tighter. Pippa had gone through several therapists, but she never once had acknowledged her guilt to anyone before. She might as well get it over with and tell him. Then he could chase her off the boat.

“It was all my fault,” she murmured. “I killed my mother.”

At the tortured admission, she broke out into violent sobs. Instead of cursing her for her awful actions, River wrapped her into his strong arms. Her tears wetted his shirt, but she was helpless to stop them. His big hands roamed up and down her back, soothing her pain with every stroke.

 “Why do you think it was your fault?”  his warm, soft voice asked.

“I was her diving partner that day. But I was tired and wanted to ascend, so she sent me off with the other divers. I shouldn’t have let her alone.” Everybody knew that you never left your diving partner alone. Ever.

“Poor baby,” River murmured and kissed the top of her head.

Uncontrollable sobs shook her again. If only she’d stayed with her mother that day…

“You do know that it wasn’t your fault, right?” River took her chin and forced her to look into his eyes.

“But it was…”

“There was nothing you could’ve done, even if you’d stayed by her side. If a diver panics, it takes a trained dive master to even try and do something. But you…how old were you?” River asked, compassion blazing in his eyes.

“Sixteen.”

“Sixteen? You wouldn’t have stood a chance.” River released her chin, but she didn’t break their visual connection.

“I could have tried…” she mumbled.

“Let me tell you something.” He thinned his lips and placed his hands on her shoulders like anchors in the storm. “I’m sure you already know this, but let me speak it out in simple words for you: it was entirely your mother’s own fault. There was nothing at all you could have done. She was the more experienced diver and your mother. When she told you to ascend with the other divers, you had to obey. You couldn’t start a fight with her at seventy feet deep.”

Deep in her heart Pippa knew he was right, under water you didn’t question what the person in charge ordered. Never. But on the other side you never abandoned your partner either…She sighed.

“That’s what you’re afraid of?”

“Yes. Since that day, I’ve been afraid of deep water.” She looked down at her lap, willing herself not to break out into tears again.

River pulled her into his arms again and she knew everything would be alright. He had the ability to make her feel like nothing else mattered in the world. In his arms, time stopped and it was only the two of them.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you,” he whispered, stroking her back and kissing her hair.

“I just want to feel safe again. To be happy, like before.” Pippa said and snuggled tighter against his hard chest. His deep voice, uttered soothing words and his woodsy scent revived places in her body that shouldn’t tingle with desire. She knew she would regret this later, but she said it nonetheless, “The moment I met you it was as if all my anxieties had never existed. With you close by, I feel safe, even on this infernal machine called a boat.”

Then she raised her head to face him and her lips parted as she gazed deep into his loving eyes.